Science is a Dick: The 5 Most Evil Robots Ever Invented


Since Czech writer Karel Capek popularized the concept in 1921, humanity has had a charming and amiable relationship with the robot. We saw a future where helpful robots would do all the menial tasks humans would rather avoid. The only problem? Some people are just dicks, and they can build robots too.

Bum Bot

What the Hell is That Thing?

Designed by bar owner Rufus Terrill, the Bum Bot was built to shoo transients and drug addicts off his property without exposing himself to danger. Terill was deeply concerned about the plight of his degenerating neighborhood, so he decided that the most logical idea was to slap some steel, plywood, old gym mats, a meat smoker, a walkie-talkie and spare parts from a 1997 Chevrolet into a fighting street robot--a feat of technological improvisation so ingenious that it makes MacGyver seem like an Amish stroke victim by comparison.

Though why such a creative inventor went with a dull name like the Bum Bot is beyond us. Why not load it with Peter Weller quotes and call it Hobocop? And that's just off the top of our heads!

Why It's a Dick Move

If you need it explained to you that inventing robots to harass transients is a dick move, you're probably strangling a drifter for cheap kicks as you read this. So, first off, way to multi-task!

Secondly, the field of terrorizing bums just does not need technological advancements. Winter and feral dogs have that shit pretty much covered. So if you're the kind of guy that sinks enough money and time into manufacturing a robot that fucks with hobos, smart odds are that you probably find fucking with hobos enjoyable.

We note that Terrill also mounted a camera on the robot, and streams video of its bum-fighting antics to the high definition television back in his bar. This is ostensibly to monitor its actions for safety reasons, but you can't help but to wonder if it's also so his patrons can laugh at the dramatically uneven bout between an armed robot and a drunken hobo.

Robokiyu, Corpse-Eating Robot

What the Hell is That Thing?

Meet Robokiyu, a rescue robot commissioned by the Tokyo Fire Department. Robokiyu is meant to take over the dangerous task of rescuing people asphyxiated by smoke inhalation inside burning buildings. Japan's thinking, as always, is that if something's worth doing, it's worth building a giant, dangerous, steel automaton with hooked claws to do it instead (though made less intimidating by designing it to look like a retarded Transformer celebrating a touchdown).

Why It's a Dick Move

Well, officials were so impressed with Robokiyu's versatility in the many tests it's performed so far that they've branched it out into several other fields ... including corpse removal.

Now, handling the dead is a fairly tricky situation. Corpses need to be moved, handled, processed and disposed of. There's no arguing that, but seeing deceased loved ones taken away is an emotionally wrenching process. Often coroners have to walk the line between doing their job well, and treating the deceased with dignity and respect.

We can't imagine it helps the grieving process if, after finding your father collapsed on the floor, Emergency Service Workers arrive and send a perky little robot into your house to drag his corpse into its mouth. Try explaining to your already traumatized kids that death is a natural part of life while a giant Tonka truck is eating their grandpa in the living room.

Wait, it gets worse. They've also given it the job of moving the "dormant" peoples of Tokyo to safer locations. Dormant sounds like a nice, politically correct way of saying "passed out drunk," or maybe just "homeless."

If you need any more convincing that this robot is a dick, try drinking a few bottles of scotch next time you're in Shinjuku and then--after waking up in a cramped, cold, pitch-black robot stomach filled with corpses--you can get back to us about our "ridiculous fears of robot domination."

Intelligent Surveillance & Security Guard Robot of Death

What the Hell is That Thing?

This is the Intelligent Surveillance & Security Guard Robot, an armed sentry 'bot by the Techwin division of Samsung. It was originally funded by the government of South Korea to guard the North Korean border, but it's now on sale to the general public at $200,000 a pop. That's a price that pretty much limits the market to rich, bored, thrill-seeking eccentrics, the exact demographic you want buying deadly military hardware.

The Guard is equipped with ultra-high definition cameras, infrared lenses, image/voice recognition software ... and a swivel-mounted K-3 machine gun. The robot can recognize and target intruders from over two miles away day or night, and can be programmed to either fire on unauthorized intruders perceived as threats, to require a password and only use deadly force if the incorrect answer is given, or possibly just to murder drifters going for the baited malt liquor you left in the alley behind your loft.

Why It's a Dick Move

The Guard is not remote controlled, it's fully automated, and while that's a neat technological feat--one that's increasingly sought after in our cute robot dogs and sex-bots--perhaps it shouldn't be handed over to death-dealing sniper bots.

Now that we think about it, wasn't there another robot back in the 1980s that was designed to serve these precise functions. It monitored the premises for intruders, recognized threats independently, used lethal force if the target didn't verbally comply--what was that called? Oh yeah, our good friend the ED-209.

As hard as we are on the ED-209, its performance was mostly positive, with only a 50 percent failure rate that turned human beings into meat pudding.

But of course, the ED-209 was a fictional villain, and we're sure the kind and responsible designers at Samsung would be very careful to avoid any and all similarities to a robot mostly famous for its tendency to murder everybody in the room when its recognition software fails, right?

Which brings up another sticking point, if there's one thing you really don't want your life depending on, it's the success rate of current generation voice recognition software. Although it can be argued that some of the most advanced software in this field is now rather successfully in use all across the board--from GPS systems to customer service phone lines--the main difference here is that when you try to pay your cellphone bill and the automated system says "I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Could you repeat it?" It doesn't shoot your body into salsa.

Cockroach-Controlled Mobile Robot

What the Hell is That Thing?

The Cockroach Controlled Mobile Robot, or Cockbot as we'll refer to it from now on, is a moving mechanical platform controlled by a Giant Madagascar Hissing Cockroach.

The roach is strapped to a trackball that translates its movements to the servos below, and surveys its surrounding environment by virtue of an array of flashing control panels and motion sensors. The cockroach naturally prefers dark places, but shies away from light, so when part of the machine nears an object, the corresponding panel lights up and causes the roach to move away thus enabling it to navigate around objects from its elevated position.

Essentially, it's Roach Virtual Reality. Feel free to ask science why cockroaches get implementable VR before we do, although we're fairly confident we can guess the answer: Science just fucking hates you so much, sometimes it's like a fire in science's heart.

Why It's a Dick Move

One of the most common phobias of modern man is the fear of insects. The only mitigating factor of that fear is the relatively insignificant size and power of most insects--a factor the Cockbot aims to fix.

Not only does the robot sport one of the largest insects in the world, but also one of the most horrifying. The Giant Madagascar Hissing Cockroach, as one may rightfully assume, emits a loud, high-pitched hiss when threatened or angry. This is enough to give most people pause on its own merits. Equip said giant, hissing roach with a mechanical battle-suit and, rational or not, the fear-center of the human brain simply shuts down all higher thought and acts on panicked instinct.

This is plainly illustrated by the above photo, wherein a terrified businessman attempts to sacrifice his baby to feed the insatiable hunger of the insectile machine. Sure, no actual, literal harm befell the child--the attacking force of the Cockbot is limited to perhaps a sharp crack to the shin at best--but the man must now forever live with the shame of what he was prepared to do.

Evolution, by and large, knows what it's doing. By equipping the cockroach with what amounts to an armored attack platform, you're upping the ante by leaps and bounds. It poses no threat to humans--yet--but this device does place it firmly above other insects and some smaller mammals.

The creator says the roach has already developed a penchant for dog food. When will it realize it can scare dogs away from said food? The inventor goes on to say that it prefers the beef flavor. How long until it realizes fresh beef tastes better? The developer says the roach has also taken to the taste of baby food. We're not certain, but we're pretty sure that thing can take a baby in a fight. What if it does? What kind of dickhead wants this--a baby-fighting cockroach mech--to be possible? Why up the food chain status of a terrifying, hissing insect if not out of pure, simple spite of your fellow man? We don't know the answers to these questions, but we know who does. You can ask her yourself later tonight. In your bedroom. Just listen for the beeping. And the hissing. In the dark.

She likes the dark, you know.

The Breast Massager Robot

What the Hell is That Thing?

The Breast Massager Robot is meant to finally replace the need for human labor in the stark, hellish field of boob fondling. No more tragic groping fatalities--the breast-massaging robot is here!

The robot is meant to help stimulate breast growth in developing teenagers, relieve pain from sore pectoral muscles, and generally to relax stressed-out tits. The inventor also states that the breast massaging robot will help to "improve the quality of women's sex activities," a statement which makes fucking sound more like sex-bingo and genital arts and crafts. Finally, the robot proposes to assist "women who want pretty breasts." The logic being that if boobs are attractive, boobs with robots attached would be like sexual chocolate dynamite.

Why It's a Dick Move

If you thought it was bad losing production and assembly jobs to robots, wait until second base is outsourced to the machines. The idea that constant breast massaging stimulates growth in teenage girls is a brilliant falsehood to spread, and one we would've given anything to have thought of back in those lonely summer camp days. Unfortunately the progenitor of this beautiful, beautiful lie also has a fictional solution--one that takes that breast of hope directly out of the awkward, desperate grip of the horny teenagers it benefits--and replaces it instead with a steel bra welded to some car wash fronds and model train motors.

If the robot was designed for complete sexual gratification, that would be one thing--that's just another sex toy. But the robot is designed only to take boobs away from men and hand them over to science.

We suppose science can use all the breasts it can get, but really, does science have to be such a dick about it? This is no more than pure, old school cock-blocking, and that's the biggest dick move of all.

Find lots more from Robert Brockway at his site,

If you enjoy hating scientists for reasons beyond their pasty complexion and bad breath, check out our rundown of 5 Recent Scientific Advances and How They'll Destroy Us All. Or check out Those Aren't Muskets' sci-fi musical Star Trek TNG Rap (Warning Explicit Lyrics).
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