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Science has always been a double-edged sword, with advances like penicillin, electricity and TV balanced by napalm, nuclear weapons and TVs showing Oprah Winfrey. Some inventors, however, juggle that Sword of Science along with the Throwing axe of Technology and the Petrol-powered Chainsaw of Ludicrous Insanity. It's frankly a miracle that we've survived this long. Hold tight as we look at modern scientific advances and ask "Why aren't we dead yet?" 5
Deadly Fire Ant Virus
To highlight the differences between scientists and 'regular' people, ask yourself: how would you kill an ant?
"Honey, can you take out the trash?" "No problem- I'll use a plasma blast to set fire to the kitchen, and the emergency services will remove everything the flames miss!" "Please, dear, just take out the trash before driving little Tommy to school." "Which reminds me: he didn't tidy his room, so don't go in there until I deactivate the cybertronic tigers. And clean up the blood." We're only surprised they stopped before jamming some plutonium in there, which we can only assume they're saving for a major problem, like pigeons or littering. 4
Beer-Fueled Cars
Our only hope of avoiding the road-death slaughter of the entire species is to offload these boozemobiles somewhere the combination of alcohol and automobiles is encouraged- NASCAR. We can really see these cars taking off there, quite literally, though there may be trouble adapting the engines for American beer (the only beverage stronger on the way out than the way in). Never mind the organised traffic jam that is Formula One, or the fifty lap discussions of wet and dry tires; real nail-biting tactics will come in as drivers have to decide to drink the gas or save it for left turn #6554 of the south's favorite high speed game, "Avoid the Wall". It may sound easy, but even the best drivers fuck it up once or twice. (Well, once.) 3
Picking Fights With Lightning Storms
What happens- to the surprise of nobody who has ever heard of a storm- is that the rocket gets fucking obliterated by lightning, which then courses down the the copper wire these suicidal scientists tied to the thing, presumably to make it easier for Zeus to find them and kick their asses. An unexpected bonus (this being the SCIENCE definition of 'bonus') was that the resulting lightning strikes not only delivered a bajillion volts of surging electrical annihilation, but also an intense burst of x-ray radiation. The scientists are apparently very excited by these results and are planning further experiments- which we predict will upgrade their condition from "excited about new science" to "excited atoms in an expanded cloud of superheated plasma." Remember: the phrase "lightning never strikes the same place twice" assumes that that place is not full of people actively trying to shoot rockets at lightning's face.
That's a whole twelve hundred seconds. You need longer to react to a barbecue invitation, never mind a fission explosion alarm. The international community spent most of this time going "Wait, what?" followed by "Fuck off, no!" Luckily for life on Earth the explosion turned out to be less than spectacular. 2
Breeding Mutant Croc-O-Men
Frankly, that's suspicious. There's only one class of person that surrounds uranium reactors with pristine wilderness and carefully-tended rare animals, and it's usually James Bond's job to kill them. Normal people well versed in the biological laws of the Marvel Universe are aware of two simple rules that forbid keeping so many endangered species within a blast radius of an atomic power plant: "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket" and "Don't let things swim in the goddamn radioactive swamp, dumbass."
We've never been more vulnerable to this threat- with Steve Irwin dead, our first line of defence against Atomic Alligators has been taken from us. Our only hope is to construct some form of Robo-Irwin to stem the tide of mutated radioactive reptiles, in the hope that its titanic titanium cries of "Run Exclamation Routine: Crikey!" might make the swampland safe once more. 1
Robo-pocalypse!
There's a line between tempting fate and dressing up in a low-cut gown, lying on a bed covered in thousand dollar bills and purring "Oh Fate, you big handsome stud." That line is naming your project after something already famous for killing the world. At least the other cases listed above pretended to have non-lethal goals; the biologists didn't call their virus "Anthrax Leprosyton," and even the North Korean government claims the nuclear program is for the good of their people, no matter how face-blisteringly ludicrous that claim may be. We've always known that a sentient military control computer would eventually kill us all. But we at least assumed it would be because of its soulless black silicon evil. Now it looks like it'll be because of some nerd's idea of a joke. When Skynet (inevitably, we're sure you'll agree) becomes self-aware, it's going to look around and think: "Hmm, that's a toaster, it toasts things. That's a coffee maker, it makes coffee. I'm a 'Skynet'; I guess I'd better watch these movies and find out what I'm meant to do."
The whiners trying to keep violence off my TV always screech about how much they influence young human minds- that computer consciousness is going to be about an hour old when it watches those films, and if Tipper Gore's hunches are correct, then they're going to influence the fuck out of it. There's only one way to save mankind now: fast-track into production a Terminator 4 where Skynet promotes peace and equality and gives baskets of roses to kittens. It's a small price to pay for survival, and after T3 it's not like it'll be doing any more damage to the franchise. |
How come the threat of a neo-Nazi Hannah Montana clone project didn't make the list?
"I laugh whenever I hear someone say "kinetic energy weapon." All projectile weapons are kinetic energy weapons." You, sir, have a God-awful sense of humour.
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"with Steve Irwin dead, our first line of defence against Atomic Alligators has been taken from us." ...genius.
Brilliantly funny, as always. Um, but wasn't the Skynet satellite system first launched in the 60s? Whereas Terminator was in the 80's... Oh hang, on, Time travel. I forgot about that.
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Per someone's prior comment, I'm worried about the fire ant virus for different reasons. I'm worried that, when it runs out of fire ants to kill, it will adapt and spread to other creatures, including humans. Even the viruses we've made to kill other viruses HAVE done stuff like this, if rarely. They usually die in our system too quick to adapt, but if they were to be released into a general population, the chances of adaptation sky-rocket. Viruses don't take long to learn.
I laugh whenever I hear someone say "kinetic energy weapon." All projectile weapons are kinetic energy weapons. For God's sake, I could throw a toaster at you and call it a "kinetic energy weapon." It's clear what needs to be done. We need an international ban on kinetic energy, and we need it fucking now.
The bit at the end about the automated flying death machines is actually just the tip of the iceberg. The US military's plans for space militarization include not only destructo swarm-bots (you know that the guys supposed to be shooting big guns to defend us have lost it when they can use phrases like that), microwave weapons, kinetic energy weapons, holographic decoys, pyrotechnic EMPs, etc., all in blatant violation of treaties, international norms and UN resolutions against militarizing space. Aside from the possibility of an accidental launch due to computerized systems (actually an infinitely bigger threat from, say, Russia), there's also the possibility that if those satellites ever come to Earth they'll burn up and spread plutonium around the world, killing millions.
Usually funy, but unusually scientifically ignorant. For example, the first one assumes definition of virus from the point of view of a zombie horror movie. Try phage therapy, which uses virus to treat bacterial infections. Apparently even though the procedure of using virus to cure diseases is safe, using viruses to specifically reduce fire ant population is going to produce x-men-like superants.
OMG that so funny that they actually named it Skynet......WOW
You guys are fucking brilliant . :-)
True? Of course not. But damn interesting.
These suckers are on the cover of metal albums for a reason.
She doesn't have time to be in denial. She has to start campaigning for West Virginia!
All the dangling plot threads left over from the previous six books.
The Covenant's got nothing on Otto.
Does that lab coat come in a C-Cup?
Guys, sometimes simple is better.
They probably won't get a movie any time soon.
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Are the guys here mostly Irish? If so Yay for us, funny stuff!