The Beer Belly stores a whopping 80 oz. in its stomach bladder. That's more than a six-pack of beer and enough grain alcohol to embalm a moose.
As we mentioned before, the beauty of the hip flask is it's covert. It's small, unassuming and no one will notice you're a budding dipsomaniac.
On the other hand, everyone will notice you with the Beer Belly since you'll totally gross people out with your morbidly localized and rapidly deflating fatness. Expect onlookers to assume you're either a pregnant man or have an alien growing out of your gut, and consequently ask why you're not being played by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The Good Book Flask is ideal for storing sacramental wine, sacramental beer, and sacramental Rumplemintz.
Nobody's going to buy that you're bringing an innocent Bible to the Yankees-Orioles doubleheader unless you're that guy who holds up the "John 3:16" sign behind home plate, and even he proved to be a rapscallion. A kidnapping, bomb-making rapscallion.
Also, the UPC for the Good Book Flask may later be redeemed for a one-way ticket to Hell.
Brought to you by the brain trust behind the Beer Belly, this device blesses you with literal jugs of wine (or tits of tequila).
The WineRack has the exact same flaws as the Beer Belly. Your cartoonishly-large sweater puppets will attract a lot of attention, first in a good way (when everyone ogles you) and then in a bad way (when someone calls the paramedics for your leaking breast implants).
OK, so maybe the Wine Rack's ingenuity fails to achieve 007-levels. But that's the beauty of the flask. By the time you've got a boob and a half of whiskey down your throat, you'll be able to convince yourself you're twice as sharp as Bond, even if you look more like Bob from Fight Club.
Frequent Cracked contributor Cyriaque Lamar's sci-fi political satire America 20XX will be performed at the 2008 New York International Fringe Festival from August 8 to 24 in lower Manhattan.
If those flasks looked at all useful to you, than you're probably no stranger to the concoctions in our look at The Nectar of the Broke: The World's 5 Worst Ways To Get Drunk. And don't forget to find out Who's Really Keeping Kids Off Drugs.