So what you got was a wild monkey that had been poached from the jungle, caged, and shipped, arriving half dead and in a mood to bite or claw the first human it ran into. Also these monkeys can live up to 45 years in captivity, so these kids were in for the long haul. Still, they got to see the looks on their friends' faces when they showed them they had a real, live fucking monkey, and that probably made the whole thing worth it.
"How proud you will be as commander of the most powerful weapon in the world!" That's right kids you, yes you, can command a nuclear threat capable of killing millions of people! Comes with real firing missiles and torpedoes, a real periscope, an electrically lit control panel and is seven whole feet long!
Have fun sinking and surfacing and exploring the ocean floor! And becoming one of the world's nuclear powers! All that, for less than seven bucks!
The reality ...
Remember when we pointed out what cardboard wasn't a good material to make a frontier cabin out of? Well, it's even worse for submarines. We guess that's why they have all of those wacky cardboard boat races where the point is to watch everybody sink.
And don't tell us that it's just a submarine play set and not meant to be taken out to sea. Screw that, this thing offers "working" torpedoes. That means we should be able to fill the thing with food and go on a six-week voyage out to international waters to sink a Russian cruiser.
We're wondering how many kids took their Polaris sub out to the middle of a lake, only to find that it did the sinking part just fine, but without the "surfacing" and "not filling with water" that other, more expensive subs promise.
You want to know why the world is full of dictators like Kim Jong Il pushing to get nuclear programs? Because a few decades ago, they were kids. And they waited patiently for their mail order nuclear sub, only to find it was a cheap cardboard piece of crap. And they shook their fist and thought, "Some day, when I'm a grown up ... "
If you liked that you'll probably enjoy our look at 5 Retro Commercials Companies Would Like You to Forget. And don't forget to check out Internet Party 2: An Intervention for MySpace to see which sites you shouldn't be inviting to your next intervention. Or head to the brand new Official Cracked.com Store and become a startlingly attractive walking advertisement for our site.