Cracked.com contributor Tim Cameron, with the help of Betty Gluckin and a large chunk of the Cracked forum produced the song and video for "Scientology Is ... Nice", based on what Tim claimed was a six month-long investigation into the organization. We gladly accepted the work based on the title alone.
Now, having actually listened to it, there has erupted a bitter debate among Cracked.com staff. One side described it as "disgusting" and "juvenile," and stated it should never see the light of day on the site.
The other side believed that it should not only never see the light of day, but that it was in fact a "cancerous blight on the very face of civilization" that, if not obliterated, "would render all previous human cultural achievement into a corrupted filth equivalent to the scrapings from the scrotum of Satan himself."
Indeed, in the wake of our release of the song and video (and we cannot do otherwise, due to contractual obligation with Mr. Cameron) we expect a rich discourse about just how much disgust should be heaped upon it. We welcome this discussion, and offer our apologies.
Oh, and in case you missed anything, here are the lyrics.
Scientology Is ... Nice
Scientology is not the cult for me
And I was so naive to think they wouldn't try to screw me
Join, you'll understand
They'll make you feel a man
The trouble is, I mean that literally
Yes, I really should have guessed
From the man who gave the test
He wore a velvet leotard with assless chaps and pink mascara
Oh, I was a fool
For his electronic tool
That told me I was beautiful
And I love you L Ron Hubbard, but there's got to be another way
Tell me why my body thetan needs to have his wiener beaten
Every brother-humping day
Ronnie said to me, one day you'll be OT
But first you've got to nibble on this triple-filled dick pastry
But I could barely hear
(His balls were in my ear, which he assured was policy)
Now I'm struggling to learn which books I'm supposed to burn
Cos it's so hard to concentrate with fifteen men to masturbate
They said if I defect, they'll do a disconnect
And I'll never see my junk again
And I love you, Dave Miscavige, but your ramming is so savage
That I don't dare sit down
Tell me, how can I report you, when you've only gone and bought
Every officer in town
This is a parody, please don't burn my family
I've just, yeah I've just gotta say
That Scientology is ... nice
You don't make astonishing amounts of money without ending up a jerk in some way.
Criminal behavior can be influenced by some very weird, seemingly random factors.
Even our most popular forms of entertainment can treat their employees like absolute trash.
The news spent weeks reporting on these giant scandals without bothering to mention the stupidest parts.
Even Hollywood couldn't deny these films were total thievery.