Many folks agonize over throwing or attending the perfect party, but agony is futile because, really, all Super Bowl parties feature the same things: lots of nachos, lots of beer and the following infuriating cast of characters.
The Guy Who Hasn't Paid Attention to the NFL in a Decade
He won't be able to get over the fact that the 49ers aren't in it this year and may ask if Reggie White or Walter Payton still play football. If you're bored, it's fun to make football references to him all night so he feels like he is some sort of eunuch-like non-man.
The Guy Who's in It for the Commercials
He won't pay attention to the game, but he'll shoot to the TV like a laser when the commercials come on. He'll spend the first few minutes after each commercial break--important plays or not--analyzing what everyone else just saw, routinely mentioning that "that last ad was pretty good, but not even close to the George Costanza Rold Gold ad in '98 or the P-Diddy Pepsi truck ad in '04." This guy also probably loved the Bud Bowl and will get really quiet and attentive during the ads for E.D. drugs.
The "Tomorrow Should Definitely Be a National Holiday" Guy
In this tool's view, a day when everyone's hung-over and unproductive would fit perfectly on the federal holiday ledger between the day in mid-January commemorating civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. and the day in mid-February commemorating Presidents Abraham Lincoln and George Washington.
The Guy Who's in a Squares Pool at Work
In a squares pool, everyone throws in a buck or two, and a couple people walk away with an extra 50 bucks. It's a friendly way to keep everyone involved, but there will always be one overly intense guy who shows up to your party with his own squares chart from work, where he bought a $250 square and--as he'll be certain to remind you--could win a ton of money if the Pats manage a field goal and a safety, and the Giants get a touchdown and a two-point conversion. You'll be able to spot him as the one furiously shouting, "Why the hell didn't they go for two?" when the Pats score a TD to go up 14-3.
The Football Pro Guy
Not necessarily a fan of either team, the Football Pro will spend the whole party watching the game on one of the smaller TVs on the fringe, "because I don't want to miss a play and I can't hear the announcers in that other room." He's likely to be a meatier fellow, probably will spend halftime reminiscing about high school football and will constantly use phrases like "fade hook route" and "flanker-back." He'll also let is slip at some point that he would have made it to the pros if not for an unfortunate knee injury in high school. Which may be true. Although the fact that he's 5-foot-8 with short, stubby sausage fingers probably didn't help.
Obnoxious Girl Who Cheers Way too Hard
Moderately attractive but not actually hot, she'll be decked out in full regalia of whichever team the guy she wants to sleep with likes. She'll celebrate a relatively innocuous first quarter field goal like it's just clinched the win, and will instantly show a disturbing amount of concern if a player on her adopted team is slow getting up. It'll be clear that she was molested by her father during NFL games as a child, and should be pitied, not reviled.
The "Is it Cool If I Smoke in Here?" Guy
Even though people will be politely smoking in the backyard, at least one guy will pop up during a semi-important moment in the game and ask, "I don't want to miss this drive--is it cool if I smoke in here?" The answer, as always, is an awkward "I guess," although it's definitely not cool at all.
The "Line Just Moved Half-Point" Guy
Likely to befriend the Guy Who's in a Squares Pool at Work, this guy will bet on everything and let everyone know it. He'll lose $150 on the opening coin toss, but hit nice on his 6:1 wager that a tight end will produce the first score. He'll be really concerned that the third-quarter line moved a half-point during halftime, but he'll look real good on the over, so he won't mind laying that extra half-point. He also threw down $10 bucks at 850,000:1 that a tornado will tear through the stadium during the third quarter... you know, just for the hell of it.
The Little Kid
He's there because his parents were too cheap to hire a babysitter for the night. And while they brought their kid, they probably forgot to bring the chips and beer they signed up for. So while it's not really the kid's fault that he is there to keep sticking his hand in the pretzels after picking his nose, if he does it again he's getting cracked upside the head with a beer bottle.
This guy will spend the entire game informing everyone that everything that he predicted would come to pass has happened. Did he? Probably not. But who knows--no one has listened to the bullshit that constantly flows from this guy's mouth in years.
The "Favored Team Apparel Guy"
You can spot this guy immediately upon entering the party--he's decked out in logoed apparel of the team favored to win the game, in this case The Patriots. The stuff is so new it looks like he may have picked it up at the mall on the way over to the party. The tags may even still be attached. You can attempt to call the guy out on his duplicity: "Hey, weren't you a Colts fan last year and a Steelers fan the year before that?" But he'll just mumble something about having an aunt who lives in his new favorite team's city which is why he's rooted for them since he was a kid. It's all bullshit, of course, but at least the guy isn't completely lacking in loyalty. Which, he'll be sure to tell you, is why he still lives with his parents.
Fantasy Football Guy spends the entire game pointing out to all who would hear which players were on his fantasy football team this year and in years past. "Oh, man. Great touchdown by Laurence Maroney there. I wish he would have done that more for my fantasy team this year." Hey, buddy, if you like fantasies so much, here's one for you: we all hope you're killed by a drunk driver on the way home tonight.
You're going to need something to talk to these assholes about, so read and memorize The World's Most Ridiculous Sports Team Names. And if you still haven't heard what Hitler has to say about Eli Manning, the Patriots and his beloved Cowboys, check out this Cracked video.
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Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
Going for that 16th minute.