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The World's Most Ridiculous Sports Team Names

By Christina H October 30, 2007 512,908 views
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It used to be easy to name your sports team; just pick a dangerous animal and go. Unfortunately, there are way more sports teams in the world than there are cool animals, and the result is a lot of names that range from lame to laugh-out-loud retarded.

Made-Up Words

Winner:


Webster University Gorloks
(College)

Runners Up:
Hamilton Tiger-Cats (CFL)
Key School Obezags (High school)
Toronto Maple Leafs (NHL)

Breakdown:
From the Webster University website: "The Gorlok is Webster University's school mascot. It is a mythical creature that was designed by Webster staff and students through a school contest. It is reported to have the paws of a speeding cheetah, horns of a fierce buffalo, and the face of a dependable Saint Bernard."

The design team lovingly followed the instructions to the letter and came up with a lion:

The Key School Obezags meanwhile, have cleverly made an anagram of the word "gazebo," which would make no sense unless you knew that the school has a sort of obsession with gazebos, which it does. They don't seem to have a mascot, but with a name like "Obezags" they could have let their imaginations run wild and made it a ferocious clown with a barracuda for a penis. The merchandising would bring the school millions.

Meanwhile, Canada continues to have problems with words, inventing the puzzling "Tiger-Cats," and willfully pluralizing "leaves" wrong. This is a point of "dishonour" to their school system.

Trying Too Hard To Be Hip

Winner:


Philadelphia Soul
(Arena Football League)

Runners Up:
South Dakota School of Mines HardRockers (College)
Indianapolis NW Space Pioneers (High school)
Cleveland Rockers (WNBA, defuncT)
Swing of the Quad Cities (Minor League Baseball)

Breakdown:
"Soul" in this case doesn't refer to the eternal essence of self that many believe humans possess. Rather, it's a style of popular music in the 1970s known as Philadelphia Soul, making it highly relevant when this expansion team opened in 2004. This team was actually co-founded by Jon Bon Jovi, who is to soul what Arena football is to football.


Jon Bon Jovi, as relevant and hip as the team he co-owns.

The South Dakota School of Mines HardRockers and the defunct Cleveland Rockers of the WNBA do have legitimate connections for their wannabe-hip-sounding names. One is a pun on the school's mining focus; the other is located near the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. However, they both end up reminding you of when a company tries to put forward a mascot with a backwards baseball cap, a skateboard and some kind of crazy-shaped electric guitar to appeal to "kids today."

The Indianapolis NW Space Pioneers, meanwhile, had the bad fortune to tie its name to the hot current event in the '60s, the space race, and have not mustered the energy to change it since.

Whoever renamed their team the "Swing of the Quad Cities" was obviously trying to go for something hip and fresh, but unfortunately swing is only hip and fresh to a demographic that is, for the most part, now dead.

Abstract Concepts

Winner:


Thailand Tobacco Monopoly
(Thai soccer team)

Runners up:
Minnesota Wild (NHL)
Stanford Cardinal (College)
St. Louis College of Pharmacy Eutectic (College)

Breakdown:
While the American teams put up one hell of a fight, they were no match for good old Asian wackiness, as the Thailand Tobacco Monopoly soccer team leaves us puzzled and nearly speechless. Being named after a tobacco company would be pretty hilarious in itself. But being named after the concept of the tobacco business being dominated by one corporate entity without any competition, this is truly a masterstroke.

The NHL's Minnesota Wild holds its own, however, being named after a concept whose definition could range from generally uncontrollable to areas untamed by man. Adjective? Noun defining a concept? Who knows. There's a team whose commitment to keeping its opponents guessing runs so deep as to extend to even its name.

Meanwhile, the Stanford Cardinal is named after a shade of red, a concept so difficult to personify that team boosters have just torn out their hair and made their mascot costume a shoddy-assembled tree.


And finally, the St. Louis College of Pharmacy has dug deep into its obscure word bank and come up with the "Eutectic," which turns out is either an adjective referring to an alloy combination with the lowest possible melting point, or sometimes a noun referring to the substance itself. What it really says, obviously, is "We don't have to be good at sports because we'll have nice pharmacist paychecks soon, so enjoy your meaningless victory."

Non-Threatening Animals

Winner:


Hiroshima Toyo Carp
(Japanese Pro Baseball-NPB)

Runners Up:
Brevard County Manatees (Minor League Baseball)
UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs (College)
Columbia College Fighting Koalas (College)
Atlanta Thrashers (NHL)
Montreal Alouettes (CFL)

Breakdown:
Listen, Hiroshima Toyo ... no one is scared of carp. No one is scared of manatees either, Brevard County, but they're bigger, so you slide out of the top spot. One might have hopes for a second that a Toyo Carp is some kind of carnivorous carp, but unfortunately Toyo is just a reference to the sponsoring company. So, they are indeed just carp.

Meanwhile, UC Santa Cruz has chosen the banana slug, mostly as a joke, which at least inspires revulsion if not respect.

Columbia College has made some kind of half-assed attempt to inject some threat by adding the "fighting" prefix to their koala name, but has only succeeded in creating a more ridiculous mental picture.

Two professional teams round out the list by inexplicably choosing small, non-threatening birds to represent themselves-thrashers ...

and skylarks (alouettes):

We can easily picture some team executive hearing "Thrashers" and, picturing fierce teeth and razor-sharp claws that thrash things, saying, "Yes! Go with it!" That guy was probably fired the first time somebody bothered to crack open an encyclopedia. There is no excuse for "Alouette," since it's most famous for having various body parts plucked off, verse-by-verse, in the well-known French song "Alouette."

Non-Threatening Humans

Winner:


King Faisal Babies
(Ghana's Premier Football League)

Runners Up:
Centralia Orphans (High school)
Cordozo Clerks (High school)
Cairo Syrupmakers (High school)
Wikki Tourists of Bauchi (Nigeria Premier League)

Breakdown:
We can only speculate why a professional soccer team would name itself the "Babies," but odds are they have an odd sense of humor, wish to lull their opponents into a false sense of security, or the ownership was so fed up with the players' whining that they changed the team name as a sort of punishment. Or, possibly it's all three.

Meanwhile, we assume the Centralia Orphans get pumped up for every game by thinking of themselves as impoverished waifs with nothing to lose, because everything they ever loved is gone, which must lead to some awesome pep rallies. The Cordozo Clerks are located near Washington D.C., which is still no excuse, because San Fernando Valley high schools never feel the need to name their teams the Pornstars. Still, the compulsion seems to be universal, vis-a-vis the Cairo Syrupmakers (Cairo being where Karo syrup is made, sadly).

Non-Threatening Inanimate Objects

Winner:


Teutopolis Wooden Shoes
(High school)

Runners Up:

Presbyterian College Blue Hose (College)
Scottsdale Community College Fighting Artichokes (College)
Frankfort Hot Dogs (High school)
Victoria Salsa (British Columbia Junior Hockey, defunct)

Breakdown:
It's hard to explain why wooden shoes don't feel so threatening, as logically, they could be used to bludgeon someone over the head quite effectively. Nevertheless, the Teutopolis Wooden Shoes inspire a sort of stunned, mild lethargy that none of the others in this category were able to match.

The Blue Hose could arguably belong to the upcoming "Sounds Dirty" category, but we chose to take the high road in this case. Meanwhile, the "fighting" prefix does even less for artichokes than it did for koalas.

The Frankfort Hot Dogs continue to prove that the pun is the lowest form of humor, and the Victoria Salsa, whether referring to the dance or condiment, lose badly on either count.

Sounds Dirty

Winner:


Butte Pirates
(High school)

(Due to forfeit by New Zealand Black Cocks)

Runners Up:
Cleveland Browns (NFL)
Rhode Island School of Design Nads (College)
Deportivo Wanka (Peruvian soccer team)
Chattanooga Central Purple Pounders (High school)
Young Boys Bern (Swiss soccer league)

Breakdown:
Butte County High School takes the prize with their simultaneously appropriate and completely inappropriate team nickname of "Pirates." The New Zealand national badminton team, the Black Cocks, would have beaten them, only the name was shot down at the last minute by the international badminton authorities and the protests of many angry people with no sense of humor. Fortunately, they managed to cancel the naming just in time to save the world's respect for badminton.

It's hard to point out what's dirty about the Cleveland Browns nickname without being crude, so let's just say that one favorite euphemism for number two in the bathroom is, "Taking the Browns to the Superbowl."

The Rhode Island School of Design has an impressive entry with their "Nads" hockey team. It was only slightly diminished by the fact they obviously did it on purpose, which is somewhat atoned for by their team cheer, "Go Nads!" and their school's matching basketball team, the Balls.


The Nads mascot, forcing the team onto this list

Deportivo Wanka of Peru was a hit on their visit to the U.K., although admittedly somewhat puzzled by the snickers that greeted them. For those unfamiliar with zany Brit slang, the "Wanka" appear to be some sort of tribute to masturbation.

Beyond puzzling are the Chattanooga Central Purple Pounders, and last but not least, the Swiss professional soccer team with the vaguely disturbing name Young Boys Bern, who play in Wankdorf Stadium.

Read page two for the most racially insensitive nicknames, and the undisputed worst sports team name in the world.

Actually the flaming was added years later because they thought that the hearts was not manly enough. The heart was from being the heart of transportation of illinois. two major interstates and railroads

11/1/2009 8:43:29 PM
effinghamalum

The convention center in Butte is called the Mother Lode Theater and the Tech College's team are the Diggers. Seriously - it's the butte of all the jokes in Montana.

10/20/2009 8:17:12 AM
Booya!

The Flaming Heats are a poorly veiled attempt to have a religious mascot at a public school. Effingham (an name as great as the Flaming Hearts) is very Catholic.

10/8/2009 5:47:44 PM
jettblakk

Hickman High School Kewpies, in Missouri. Yes. The dolls.

10/7/2009 2:57:41 PM
spartacus22

how about the F airfield U nion C harging K nights. google it. its not true,(they're actually the falcons) but that never stopped anyone from making the t shirts

9/27/2009 6:59:55 PM
hartman

Butte Pirates are real. Check out www.buttehigh.org. It's in Idaho, so it's pronounced the same as the city of the same name.

9/26/2009 2:30:19 AM
sammy-baugh

I've been a huge fan of the Ham Fighters for years, not that I've ever seen one of their games or even really know much about baseball. I was a little disappointed as I read this article and didn't see them under the "Blatant Corporate Sponsorship" section (All teams in Japan are named after companies, Nippon Ham is the sponsor) and I kind of thought Cracked was beginning to slip, but its nice to see that you came through after all. Now go forth and spread the word of valiant fighters of the hams!

9/25/2009 8:47:11 PM
ExplodingVagina

Heh, I live a few miles away from "The Fighting Planets", I always wonder why at the games they were usually just referred to as "Mars".

9/25/2009 1:21:05 PM
Flyte

my high school's team was called the Marvelwood Pterodactyls

9/25/2009 12:16:30 PM
dunahoe

I would like to add to my last comment that that was the name of the team, not just the sponsor (as boring as they are), so on the local news they read out "Carmarthen 1, Llandudno Photocopier Solutions nil"

9/25/2009 12:12:51 PM
TooManyPies

For another example of ridiculous corporate sponshorship I remember a Welsh friend telling me of a local soccer team called (i think) Llandudno Photocopier Solutions. Not sure on the town but definately sponsored by "...Photocopier Solutions".

How did they fit that on their shirts?

9/25/2009 12:06:32 PM
TooManyPies

I can see why American's think Koalas are harmless, but they couldn't be farther from the truth if they shot the truth into the sun with a rocket.

Those little shits are deadly, nasty, and just plain MEAN.

Australia, the land of cute things that will try to f*****g kill you.

9/25/2009 8:14:55 AM
tkioz

http://www.search.com/search?q=omaha+benson+bunnies

Just to prove I'm not making this up. In my hometown of Omaha, there is a high school named Benson. And they are called the Benson Bunnies.

9/25/2009 8:10:14 AM
redstripe11

The Butte Pirates isn't a real team. It's a t-shirt from a gay clothing website called Ajaxx63 which sells Abercombie knockoffs with q***r sexual innuendos. (someone may have already pointed this out in a previous comment but I'm too lazy to read through all 642 other comments to see)

9/2/2009 6:55:35 PM
rayxtwo

The local pee-wee basketball team is the Mississauga Monarchs. Either its a group of butterflies playing basketball, or imagine several old, pasty, Europeans playing basketball.

8/22/2009 7:39:26 PM
gendoikari

In upstate New York we have the Solvay H.S. Bearcats, Syracuse Crunch, Syracuse Salty-Dogs, Notre Dame H.S. Jugglers, University of Albany Great Danes and last but not least the Onondaga Community College Lazers(my Alma-Mate by the way).

8/18/2009 6:16:11 PM
Theburn77

The Colorado Crush is a reference to the "Orange Crush," the nickname of the Broncos' defense in the 70s.

8/15/2009 8:09:36 PM
SoccerJJM

Dont be fooled, even if the Vandals managed to think up anything nearly that epic, they would just lose at that too.

also, i died for a brief period of time at the mention of Butte Pirates

8/13/2009 3:58:48 AM
Baconator96

xD i stopped breathing at "Butte Pirates".

8/9/2009 6:15:55 PM
Carolina776

The Franklin High School Quakers (Portland, OR). Cuz, like, Ben Franklin was a Quaker, so that's scary. Coulda been the Lightning or something, but no, Quaker will do just as well. What makes it sadder is this isn't even a unique name. Several schools are the "Franklin Quakers"

7/14/2009 2:54:29 AM
Conformist138
Cracked stuff on