Every few years, the ancient Egyptians would erect a giant boner statue to celebrate the life and "potency" of their Pharaoh. None of them saw more of these erections than Ramses II.
He partied hard, and partied long. He reigned for 66 years--until he was 91--and fucked almost constantly until that time. One of the most pimpingest cribs ever unearthed is the tomb of his wife, Nefertari...
...a chamber that archeologists agree contains more pimp per square inch than anything built since. And why did Ramses go through all the trouble for a chamber that was to be sealed up from public view? Just in case somebody should happen to dig it up 3,200 years later.
In fact, if you put on a blindfold and walk around Egypt for five minutes, you'll trip over something made by Ramses. He had a statue built of himself that weighed 83 tons. He had a museum built purely to commemorate his own awesomeness, all in a time where a shovel was considered sophisticated technology.
Pertaining to Poon:
He had enough wives to make a Mormon call bullshit. Eight in total, and he loved every one prolifically. He fathered over 100 children. Every wife had on average 13.5 children, and you'd better believe those numbers don't even begin to tell the story of his potency (our research suggests only one of at least three popular orifices result in children). He outlived many of his own sons. Rather than cry about it like a pussy, he pounded away and churned out more. That's just how Ramses do.
We're being handed a note, here. He married his daughter? He married two? Meritamen and Bintanath were both daughters of Ramses, who pumped so many women full of so many babies that he had a tough time keeping track of which children had burst forth from his royal sack. At least, that's what we're hoping happened. His daughters had to have known what was up. Apparently they were too polite to point out the problem. "Um, actually Dad, er, King Ramses...um, nevermind." That happened twice.
The picture barely does it justice. We're talking rims lined with copper and bronze, towed by a horse that must have somehow had 500 horsepower, yet is still about to get an arrow to the back of the head for not being pimp enough. That's bling, and so was the immense quantity of gold and precious gems lining every room of his temples. He had a stack of chains that would make Mr.T look Amish. 50 Cent? Come back when you have a horse with a golden mohawk.
Another notable success from beyond the grave would be that he had a brand of condoms named after him, though birth control wasn't exactly his thing.
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
Ozymandias was Ramses stage name. While no actual writings from Ramses have survived, a writer imagined him saying that. But, even if Ramses didn't actually say it, it's a safe fucking bet he was thinking it.
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