As you can see, we've got Comedia Trachomatis. This is a little embarrassing but ... well, you've got it to. That hilarious burning sensation? Our bad. Totally irresponsible on our part, we should have told you in advance but ... well, at least it's something we can share, right?
Still pissed? Alright, then, allow us to present to you our best work for the week as a peace offering.
5 Mental Disorders That Could Totally Get You Laid
Tired of trying to woo the ladies with lines like "I've got Boning-You-Silly-itis, Baby," and "I'm suffering from Will-Die-a-Virgin Disorder, Sugar Lips; let's you and me work on a cure!" Why not try your luck with some real disorders this time around?
Notable Comment: Venge posts "I hate Nickelback. I really do." Cracked is nothing if not a safe haven for people who hate Nickelback to come and discuss why Nickelback is the shittiest band on the planet.
Mercy Kill: 6 TV Shows (Thankfully) Canceled After One Episode
What do Adolf Hitler, a cat humping a rabbit, suburban zombies and the guy who played Wolverine have in common? Two things, actually:
1) They should never, ever be the subject of a TV show.
2) Nobody knows this, but us.
Notable Comment: Alice says "once, I loved you, cracked. There was a time I read you everyday. And, oh how I laughed. But then you had to go and make a dig at Roseanne. I was shocked. I am seriously considering taking your website off my everyday-what-the-fuck-is-there-to-do-on-the-internet- when-I'm-bored-at-work-routine. Yeah, you've gone that far." We are truly, and deeply sorry, Alice. We never meant to offend you, and the realization that our words could have a negative impact on anyone hit us. It hit us hard, Alice. It hit us like a garbage truck in a flannel shirt. Wait, wait a second & that wasn't a truck. It was motherfucking Roseanne. Ka-pow!
NOT AS COOL AS YOU THOUGHT!
5 Awesome Sci-Fi Inventions (That Would Actually Suck)
Before you launch your flaming carcass off a cliff thanks to your homemade jet pack, please read this article. If you decide to ignore this article and try out that jet pack anyway, please have whoever's in charge of your estate send us the video.
Notable Comment: Steve thinks the article was "So funny I sat my gf down and read the whole thing to her ... yeah I treat her soooo good." Thanks for the kind words, Steve, and we look forward to nursing you back to health after your inevitable break up.
The 7 Most Terrifying Celebrity Transformations
Janet Jackson shifts from smokin' hottie to rhino-in-a-sweatshirt, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen shift from [omitted at the behest of our lawyers] to zombie-like and stick-figure-esque (respectively), and Britney Spears shifts from total sex kitten to the Bat Child found in West Virginia. It's impossible to speculate as to which pop icon will be the next to undergo some kind of hideous transformation, but, gun to our head, we'd say Vanessa Hudgens is about two years away from either a giant face tattoo or a sex change.
Notable Comment: Iamainsworth posts "Could have done Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson together." Like that family doesn't have enough to worry about, you want us to throw in incest? (That's all for this week. Tune in next time for another installment of "Comments Taken Out of Context.")
The Next 9 Children's Characters That Should Come Out of the Closet
You're not fooling anyone, Velma.
Notable Comment: Fosterdad, as well as many others, said "You forgot Bert and Ernie." Sadly, we didn't. We've actually had the rare misfortune of walking in to see Bert and Ernie expertly double team Rosita, the sassy Mexican puppet. It was horrible.
Writer's Strike? Who Cares!
See what the always-modest Hollywood producers plan to do about the writer's strike.
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
Well, this is terrifying.
A good horror story is hard to pull off.