Becoming MySpace Friends With People I Don't Like
— Say what you want, but for a long time I really enjoyed using MySpace. It' a good way to keep in touch with friends without putting forth the effort of human contact, it' fun for stalking exes and yes, it can even be a semi-helpful way to cruise for poon. But now that the secret is out (my parents are on now, I swear to God), not a day goes by without some jackass from my 8th grade biology class trying to add me as a friend, all so they can post Hoobastank videos and say things like "LOL! Thanks for the add!" in my comments section. Thanks for the add? What I'd really thank you for is returning to your rightful place in my mind as a distant and vaguely unpleasant memory. I'm glad you're a married, born-again Christian in the Midwest now, but you and I have about as much in common these days as… well, as we did back in 8th grade. You're a douche, leave me alone.
— Speaking of MySpace: listen, idiot high school kids. Just because Dane Cook accepted your friend request and dresses like a sales associate at Abercrombie and Fitch and jumps around onstage like a coked-up frat guy and does "edgy" hand signals like the "Shocker" doesn't mean he' a good comedian. Watching people get hit in the balls on America' Funniest Home Videos is pretty hilarious, but that doesn't mean I'm going to give the crotch-checked dad a development deal at HBO. Look, I know you love him, but Dane Cook is the comedy equivalent of eating at Applebee'. Sure, it looks good and it seems comfortingly familiar, but by the time you get home you're feeling nauseous and wondering whether the jackass waiter spit in your food. That' Dane Cook' comedy, and that waiter is Dane Cook without the 100,000 MySpace friends and willingness to tell jokes about "flicking cashews into his mouth with his hog."
Referring to things as the "new black"
— Can we please stop this? Calling anything "the new black" is the new fucking retarded. Just because you exist in a tabloid-and-fashion-magazine coma, it doesn't mean you have to wander around talking like you're hosting Access Hollywood
. Fuck, it doesn't even make sense. When was black the new anything? Black was around before the universe even existed, so I think that would make it the oldest thing in the world. Jessica Alba Not Being Naked
— Jessica, could you at least throw us a nip slip or something for the love of God? How many more times do you really think I'm going to shell out ten bucks for some suckfest of a movie like
Into the Blue
just to exhaust my imagination for two hours whilst you frolic around in a bikini with some douche-hammer like Paul Walker? You're not smart, you can't act, and if you don't start taking your clothes off soon, your career is going to start its inevitable downward spiral to starring in late night B-movies on Showtime alongside Tom Berenger. Just ask Jenny McCarthy. Resistance is futile. Ads For Courvoisier and Hennessy In the Hood
— As a liberal white male from an affluent suburb, nothing pisses me off more than the exploitation of black people. And I can't think of anything more exploitative than putting a picture of Marvin Gaye (who' been dead for ten years and is widely known for his artistic and political contributions to the black community) on an ad for Hennessy, then sticking said ad for overpriced liquor in the middle of Brooklyn. That's kind of like using a picture of Johnny Cash to sell amphetamines. Also, in an equally infuriating marketing campaign, Courvoisier has rolled out a series of NYC subway ads that say things like "Get Rich" and "Have You Earned It?", thereby implying that drinking fucking Cognac means you've made it in life. Look, you can drink a fucking bathtub full of Courvoisier while wearing nothing but a big necklace made of shiny rocks and a Helmut Lang helmet, but if you're riding on the Canarsie-bound L Train back to your Brooklyn studio apartment after a ten hour day working at fucking Radio Shack, something tells me you haven't "earned it."
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