Becoming MySpace Friends With People I Don't Like
— Say what you want, but for a long time I really enjoyed using MySpace. It' a good way to keep in touch with friends without putting forth the effort of human contact, it' fun for stalking exes and yes, it can even be a semi-helpful way to cruise for poon. But now that the secret is out (my parents are on now, I swear to God), not a day goes by without some jackass from my 8th grade biology class trying to add me as a friend, all so they can post Hoobastank videos and say things like "LOL! Thanks for the add!" in my comments section. Thanks for the add? What I'd really thank you for is returning to your rightful place in my mind as a distant and vaguely unpleasant memory. I'm glad you're a married, born-again Christian in the Midwest now, but you and I have about as much in common these days as… well, as we did back in 8th grade. You're a douche, leave me alone.
— Speaking of MySpace: listen, idiot high school kids. Just because Dane Cook accepted your friend request and dresses like a sales associate at Abercrombie and Fitch and jumps around onstage like a coked-up frat guy and does "edgy" hand signals like the "Shocker" doesn't mean he' a good comedian. Watching people get hit in the balls on America' Funniest Home Videos is pretty hilarious, but that doesn't mean I'm going to give the crotch-checked dad a development deal at HBO. Look, I know you love him, but Dane Cook is the comedy equivalent of eating at Applebee'. Sure, it looks good and it seems comfortingly familiar, but by the time you get home you're feeling nauseous and wondering whether the jackass waiter spit in your food. That' Dane Cook' comedy, and that waiter is Dane Cook without the 100,000 MySpace friends and willingness to tell jokes about "flicking cashews into his mouth with his hog."