The Wrong Advices: What T.O. Should've Said

You all heard the way that last week' press conference actually went down.

"I would like to reiterate my respect for Donovan McNabb as a quarterback and as a teammate.

"To my Head Coach, Andy Reid, I owe you an apology... I respect you as a coach and as a person.

"To Joe Banner (Eagles' President) and Mr. Lurie (Eagles CEO/Chairman)"¦I apologize to both of you."

Say it ain't so, T.O. One day after being kicked off the team by Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid (a man who clearly spares no expense when it comes to a hair cut and an exercise bike) Terrell Owens, the Eagles brash and immensely talented wide receiver, went out like a little lamb. Nay, some might even say a bitch.

No parting shot at McNabb, his quarterback, who T.O. last week suggested was less of a quarterback than the aging Brett Favre, the equivalent of telling your girlfriend you'd rather fuck her grandfather. (Asked whether the Eagles would be undefeated with Favre at the helm, T.O. replied: "That's a good assessment, I would agree with that... I feel like him being knowledgeable about the quarterback position, I feel like we'd probably be in a better situation.")

No parting shot at Reid and Eagles management, who collectively made sure T.O. didn't see an extra red cent after his heroic Super Bowl performance last year.

For those of us who enjoy and respect the antics of a guy who shamelessly puts himself before his team, T.O.'s exit was eminently disappointing.

Yeah, I know, it was an act. It was about making sure some other sappy owner would pay him next year, thinking T.O. had changed his ways. I get that. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Why couldn't T.O. at least have accused McNabb of being gay, like he did to his last quarterback, Jeff Garcia of the San Francisco 49ers? Remember that one? Asked whether the painfully effeminate Garcia-whom T.O. had long criticized for having a weak arm and not getting him the ball enough-was gay, T.O. replied: "Like my boy tells me: If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat."

Nothing wrong with the "If all else fails, accuse him of being gay" argument. Doubtless this country would benefit from more of that. "You think I lied about WMD? Well maybe you're a homo, Senator Kerry! At least that's what my boy always tells me, by golly."

Or why couldn't T.O.--upon his exit-- have shown some of the panache he exhibits every time he puts the ball in the end zone--pulled a Sharpie out of his sock, perhaps?

But there is good news. No, I didn't save a bunch of money on my car insurance, and what kind of dimwit boasts about that anyway? The good news here is that T.O. is bound to repeat his mistakes, to ruin the team he next plays for and find himself in a similar position only a few years from now. So let me give him a piece of advice.

The apology I would have given if I were T.O.:

"I apologize to Donovan McNabb and the Eagles organization for saying we'd be undefeated if Brett Favre were playing quarterback. Obviously, that's not true. If he were our quarterback we'd be 1-6, 2-5 at best.

Favre sucks ass. He needs to be put out to pasture. The guy has nothing left. Quite frankly I think he's a homo, and I heard he puts his hands under the center, palms up. I promise Eagles management and the entire city of Philadelphia that if I see Favre walking down the street, I'm going to poke him in the eye and kick him in the groin. Then I'll take a dump all over this chest, and watch as my feces runs down his chest, and on down to his thighs, and perhaps even down to his ankles. Brett Favre should be sent to Abu Ghraib. I also heard he's a racist, and he may have been with Mark Chmura the night he banged his babysitter. But I'm not sure about that last part.I look forward to continuing my career with the Philadelphia Eagles. Thanks."

That' the apology I expected from T.O. Hopefully next year, when he's apologizing to Mike Shanahan and the Denver Broncos organization, he'll do better. Otherwise I might start to think he looks like a rat, by golly...

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