Congratulations on your decision to purchase your very own pet Aiken! No doubt you've already noticed your pet's frail quivering body, it's pale, sickly skin and its ability to sing songs that you and your friends would never want to hear. With proper care and maintenance your pet's pitch-perfect vocalizing and sexually ambivalent presence may provide you with minutes of enjoyment. But the Aiken can also be a mysterious and mercurial pet. Here's what you need to know.
Basis Facts:The Aiken, indigenous to North Carolina, was discovered by a diverse band of intrepid explorers in the early 21st century. The band, consisting of a giddy metrosexual, a shape-shifting African American, a crack-fueled Arabian, and a surly, micro-phallused Englishman, helped select the Aiken from an entire pack of far less creepy animals. While it is most comfortable alone in its room, begging Jesus to please make its beard fuller, it can also adapt rather well to the studios of daytime talk shows. Later in life, the Aiken tends to reside in the piano bars of second rate cruise ships.
Eating Habits:The Aiken's eating habits are largely unknown. It is theorized that its sleek and fragile frame needs only a bare minimum of sustenance to fuel its two main activities: singing and denying it's gay. Although it is unknown if the Aiken derives any nourishment from this activity, it has also been seen sucking Simon Cowell's ass.
SpayingSpaying your Aiken is not necessary as the Aiken does not have sex. And if it did have sex, the Aiken would make sure you never ever knew about it. Ever.
Socializing:Keep the Aiken away from Kelly Ripa. Kelly Ripa is deathly afraid of the Aiken's hand. Also keep the Aiken away from Rosie O'Donnell as O'Donnell's past attempts to be kind to the Aiken have made everyone extremely uncomfortable. Actually, the best part of owning an Aiken is that it will give you a good excuse to stay far away from Kelly Ripa and Rosie O'Donnell
Housebreaking:Be warned. You will want to train your Aiken immediately to defecate in private. Otherwise, countless young girls and middle-aged women will swarm your house to watch and applaud. Inexplicably, a certain portion of the population gets very excited whenever crap is emanating from the Aiken - especially when that crap is spewed on television or saved on CD.
Training:The Aiken can be trained to sing show tunes or other pop songs traditionally sung by women. The Aiken can sing them like a women even though the Aiken is not a woman. Technically. Sometimes, the Aiken will also attempt to sing rock music. Do not tolerate this behavior. You wouldn't let your dog drag its ass along your oriental rug.
Suitable Owners:Despite all these special care requirements, the Aiken makes a perfect present for twelve year old girls who are frightened by testosterone.
We wish you the best of luck with your new special friend and hope he brings you a lifetime of happiness. Please note, however, that even if you are a twelve year old girl, you might one day outgrow your Aiken. The floppy red bangs and crooked lipless smile that were once so appealing might one day seem incredibly disturbing. You might begin wondering why you ever let this sniveling, androgynous creature with its mating call derived from 1970's AM radio hits into your home. You might even wish you had never laid eyes on your Aiken. What you are experiencing may be puberty or perhaps musical discretion. But do not blame the Aiken for your changing taste. Instead, scoop him up into your arms. Place your hands firmly on his rose-colored, speckled cheeks. And then hold his head under water until the last notes of All By Myself bubble up and pop into a welcoming silence.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.