Close your eyes and imagine that you re a Bank of America employee seated in a room at a corporate conference, enduring a grueling seminar. The meeting s just about to break for lunch when two dudes dive into a rendition of U2 s One with Bank of America-related lyrics. At first you think, Cool, this is kind of like that Weird Al guy I used to listen to when I was depressed. But you quickly realize the impassioned singer is not trying to lampoon anything. Instead, he croons on and on about BOA s merger with MBNA, credit customization, trust, teamwork and specific BOA employees who ve outperformed expectations. Mr. Chandler is the ideal example of a corporate type who dares to let his creative hair down, and we applaud his shamelessness.
While 05 winner Bono would be the obvious choice here, Ethan is more from the every-man mold of past honorees, for example 2002 s Whistleblowers. Like the ladies who busted big business by raising their collective voices, Ethan can t help but raise his voice and testify about how great it is to work at Bank of America.
God bless Mike Cooper. He s a regular dude with a regular mustache who has been videotaped masturbating at a Cleveland public library. His tormentor, Carl Monday, chose to demonize Mike in the local news investigative report on library safety. Mike, who lives with his parents, was probably just using the library as his personal dirty sock because his mom was using the Internet to look at funny pictures of cats. But Carl Monday, whose name sounds like a fake name a drunk guy would make up if put on the spot, insists on taking him to task.
Guy from Ohio Caught Masturbating in Library (Mike Cooper)
The term library masturbator is a pretty hard title to shake, so chances are he won t be forgotten any time soon.
What kind of people are big financial firms looking to employ these days? According to Yale senior Aleksey Vayner, they want someone who can lift weights, play tennis and produce a kick-ass resume video. Before his self-aggrandizing video and paper resumes were universally mocked this fall, Aleksey was a legend in New Haven due to self-started rumors about him being employed by both the mafia and CIA, killing two dozen men in Tibetan gladiatorial contests and having his college recommendation letter written by the Dalai Lama. The best thing about this faux-overachiever: his plagiarized Holocaust book is titled
His nearest Time Man of the Year competitor is probably Brian Atene.
The People of Mobile, Alabama (specifically, the guy who wanna know where the gold at)
With so many shining stars in this news story about a leprechaun sighting in Mobile, it was hard to single any one person out. After literally minutes of deliberation, we chose the dude who, at the 1:36 mark, starts explaining to the reporter his plans to find the leprechaun s gold. His interview is the coup de grÃ¢ce for the entire story. Not only is he certain of the leprechaun s existence, but also of the mythical pot of gold he carries around. His determination to find this gold is truly felt when he repeats his desires a few times in slightly different ways: I wanna know where the gold at. I want the gold. Give me the gold. I want the gold.
We ll go with Time s vaguely condescending awarding of Man of the Year honors to The Middle Americans in 1969, since this is quite possibly the most condescending news report we ve ever seen.
Old Man Peter from YouTube
Who would ve thought that an old British man talking about how he s going to start making videos for YouTube would end up being one of the most viewed clips of the year? Peter, whose username is geriatric1927, has since posted almost 40 videos, none of which are as popular as his first try, appropriately titled first try. But why? Why have over 2 million people clicked on his video? If you haven t yet, watch it. It s so boring, and so borderline depressing, that it makes the Brian Atene footage seem life-affirming by comparison. But maybe that s exactly it: the ideal Internet celebrity is the jackass who tapes himself doing nothing remarkable, knowing that millions of people will watch anything once it gets a little traffic. Thanks, Time, for finally giving these worthy heroes their due.
To the cool cats who told everyone that Lonelygirl15 was their girlfriend, he ll always been known as grandpa. And since he was born the year the first Man of the Year award was given out, we re going to say he most approximates inaugural Man of the Year Charles Lindbergh.
The People s Court Mustache Guy
It takes a lot of balls to make a mockery of The People s Court. Well, probably not that much balls, but this dude, who we ll call 'Stache, pulled it off with aplomb. Along with Brandon Davis, 'Stache is the only person on this list whose cyberfame can be mainly attributed to one word. His vehicle is a very short clip, which is also a testament to his onscreen poise and timing. 'Stache, we salute you, your mustache and your decision to share it with the world.
Closest forbearer is probably 1983 Time Man of the Year winner, Judge Wapner.
His main connection to fame is Paris Hilton, a person whose celebrity status many consider to be flimsy in the first place. So when Brandon s rant against Lindsay Lohan hit the web about seven months ago, the world was puzzled. Does he really hate her? Is he more famous now? Will Lindsay Lohan even give a shit what this rich chach has to say?
The answer was unfortunately yes for all three. And the amazing thing was that most of the hoopla was because he called her a firecrotch, as if it s a novel insult or that he was first person to realize that Lindsay had red pubes. The sad thing is that Brandon probably says the word firecrotch 20 times in this clip, putting him on level with the dude at your office who still says, I m Rick James, bitch . Sidenote for history buffs: Brandon is also the guy who claimed that Lindsay s clit is seven feet long, which, when you really think about it, is probably not true.
For his oratorical vigor, B reminds us most of 1940 Time Man of the Year winner Winston Churchill. Congratulations, B.
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