The White House War Room
It's a little known fact that every year's Masters champ automatically gets a post in the President's administration as Golf Advisor. I can just picture you there in your gay little reading chair asking why the President needs a gold advisor. Well, lots of reasons, bucko. But the main one involves sitting in the War Room (yes, the real deal war room that they showed in that PBS documentary Austin Powers ) and making sure all the president's war analogies are accurate. So when he says s**t like, "Boy, we shanked that one," after accidentally bombing a school or something, I can nod and say, "You got it, sir."
The Super-Secret-Secret Room in Every Strip Club in the Country
Sure, you've heard that every strip club has a secret room for athletes that come in. And you may have even heard of the secret-secret room that the good athletes get to go to. But I bet you've never heard of the super-secret-secret room that only a) green jackets b) Super Bowl rings and c) T-shirts saying, "I am a billionaire" can get you into. And I'll tell ya', you can't even imagine the kind of s**t that goes down in there. I will tell you this: The strippers show you everything they got, including a secret type of genitals most guys have never heard of called the vagina. Go easy chief, it's pronounced with a soft g , not that you'll ever need to know.