The White House War Room
It's a little known fact that every year's Masters champ automatically gets a post in the President's administration as Golf Advisor. I can just picture you there in your gay little reading chair asking why the President needs a gold advisor. Well, lots of reasons, bucko. But the main one involves sitting in the War Room (yes, the real deal war room that they showed in that PBS doc*mentary Austin Powers ) and making sure all the president's war analogies are accurate. So when he says s**t like, "Boy, we shanked that one," after accidentally bombing a school or something, I can nod and say, "You got it, sir."
The Super-Secret-Secret Room in Every Strip Club in the Country
Sure, you've heard that every strip club has a secret room for athletes that come in. And you may have even heard of the secret-secret room that the good athletes get to go to. But I bet you've never heard of the super-secret-secret room that only a) green jackets b) Super Bowl rings and c) T-shirts saying, "I am a billionaire" can get you into. And I'll tell ya', you can't even imagine the kind of s**t that goes down in there. I will tell you this: The strippers show you everything they got, including a secret type of genitals most guys have never heard of called the vagina. Go easy chief, it's pronounced with a soft g , not that you'll ever need to know.