The Top Picks
If you were lucky enough to get the top pick in your criminal athlete fantasy draft, it is almost impossible to pass up Darryl Strawberry. The most consistent and prolific criminal athlete in modern history, Strawberry is a five-tool crook, able to put up points in all the major stat categories: illegitimate children, domestic abuse, serious drug and alcohol problems, tax evasion, multiple prison terms and suspensions from his sport.
Mike Tyson should also be at the top of your draft board. Since his 1992 conviction on rape charges that earned him three years in the can, Iron Mike has continued to put up the stats of a top psychopath. His notable accomplishments and accusations include biting Evander Holyfield’s ear off, biting Lennox Lewis’ leg during a press conference scuffle, testing positive for marijuana, lobbing glass Christmas ornaments at journalists in a Havana hotel, brawling outside a Brooklyn hotel, assaulting a topless dancer, and declaring bankruptcy.
Solid First Rounders
Pete Rose might not have the lengthy rap sheet of a Strawberry, but he makes up for it with the severity of his missteps. He has received a distinction few athletes can claim, a lifetime ban from his sport, which is a points bonanza for fantasy owners. Arguably the greatest hitter to ever play the game, Rose received his permanent ban in 1989 for gambling on baseball while managing the Cincinnati Reds.
Doc Gooden is another 1980s Met whose criminal accomplishments are every bit as impressive as his on-the-field successes. You knew the Doc was special early on—after winning the Cy Young Award in 1985 at age 20, Gooden led the Mets to a World Series Championship a year later, only to miss the ticker-tape parade “because he was hung over from an all-night binge.”
Former New Jersey Nets big man Jayson Williams cut his criminal teeth during his playing days, smashing a beer mug over some guy’s head in a
There are guys you pick up in fantasy baseball because they excel at stealing bases and guys you pick up in fantasy basketball because they get four blocks a game. A fantasy criminal athlete team has specialists too.
Onetime NBA star Shawn Kemp, in addition to various cocaine arrests, is the preeminent sire of illegitimate children. In the late ‘90s Sports Illustrated reported that Kemp was facing paternity suits over seven illegitimates, and now that he’s out of the league you figure he has even more time to have unprotected sex with women he is not married to.As sexual deviants go, Mark Chmura is also worth a look. He was charged with sexual assault at a high-school after prom party the then 31-year old Green Bay Packers tight end who was eventually acquitted of sexually assaulting his 17 year old baby sitter at said after prom. Said Chmura’s jury foreman: “He put himself in a bad situation by being drunk with kids and in a hot tub in his underwear.” We say it might have been a bad situation for the delicate psychology of the adolescent involved, but it’s a great situation for a fantasy owner looking to score big in the underage sex crime category.
For as much as people love them, the 'Star Wars' movies have gotten rather awkward from time to time.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
Going for that 16th minute.