CRACKED's NFL Rundown: Week 2

Colts 43, Texans 24
Peyton Manning single-handedly won fantasy football games around the country with 400 yards passing and three TDs, allowing every jerk who drafted him and a bunch of worthless scrubs to declare themselves super geniuses and rub your nose in their victories. Manning broke Johnny Unitas's franchise record for completions in the first quarter, a record that raises the questions of why some statistics are even noted.

The Texans managed put up 24 points, though it didn't seem the Colts took their opponents very seriously. At one point, the Indianapolis defense consisted of Dwight Freeney, Marlin Jackson, four guys whose tickets were chosen in a halftime drawing and a kid with Lou Gehrig's disease who told Make-a-Wish he wanted to sack David Carr.

Falcons, 14, Buccaneers 3
Alleged quarterback Michael Vick threw for almost 100 yards in his team's victory. "The forward pass is overrated," Vick contended. "The NFL should go back to the way things were in 1933... except the part where the black people have to drink out of separate drinking fountains."
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Tampa's Chris Simms served as Exhibit A in Vick's case, throwing 53 passes-some of which, and this might shock you, having actually been caught by members of his own team. Buccaneer kicker Matt Bryant proved to be the big star of the day, kicking a 22-yard field goal to end the second quarter, bringing Tampa Bay's scoring total this season to three points.

Bears 34, Lions 7
After bragging how close his team was to scoring 40 points last weekend when it put up just six, Lions receiver Roy Williams clarified that he meant his team would score at least 40 points during the 2006 season. "Seven more this week-we're halfway there," Williams laughed, wringing his hands and showing off his University of Texas education. Williams had also guaranteed a victory in this weekend's showdown with Chicago, but once again found a loophole. "I guaranteed a victory. Chicago got a victory. What more do you want from me?"

Asked for comment while trying to sneak out through the loading dock and wearing a pair of janitorial coveralls, Lions general manager
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Matt Millen said, "It's everyone else's fault but mine!"

Bengals 34, Browns 17
Despite threats of fines for excessive touchdown celebrations, Bengals receiver Chad Johnson performed a chicken dance after reaching the end zone for the first time this season, evoking images of your drunken uncle at a wedding-especially if your drunken uncle has gold teeth and a dyed mohawk. Johnson had six catches, part of a 353-yard passing attack from Carson Palmer. This nearly tripled his output from last weekend, and was most likely prompted by you deciding to bench him in your fantasy league after last week's poor numbers, and now Carson Palmer hates you.

Saints 34, Packers 27
New Orleans opened its season 2-0, which sounds incredibly impressive right up until the point when you add the phrase "with wins over the Browns and Packers." The Saints took the lead over Green Bay with a pass to receiver Marques Colston, who will now become the subject of a bidding war between panicked owners in your fantasy league, despite being a rookie taken late in the final round of the NFL draft with five whole catches in his NFL career.
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Though his team lost, Brett Favre bounced back from the first shutout of his career to throw three touchdowns on a 340-yard passing day. In other words, expect a "Going Out on a High Note" retirement announcement in the next few days.
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Ravens 28, Raiders 6
Raiders quarterback Andrew Walter completed 37% of his passes for 162 yards and threw three interceptions. Despite the numbers, his outing was dubbed "impressive." This was largely because he was following in the footsteps of Aaron Brooks, who managed to fumble two snaps from center-both of which recovered by the Ravens and converted into field goals-before being pulled from the game with an "injured shoulder... wink wink."

Bills 16, Dolphins 6
There were questions about the status of Duante Culpepper's injury coming into the season, but the Dolphins quarterback is starting to look like his old self again. Unfortunately for Miami fans, he's starting to look a lot like his old self again-the old self who had no mobility in the pocket, couldn't spot open receivers and forced passes that turned into interceptions. The old self who completed four TD passes, added a rushing score and ran for 40 yards every game is, as of press time, nowhere to be seen and presumed missing.
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The Bills sacked Culpepper seven times, prompting the crowd to start chanting for backup Joey Harrington to get a chance under center. Stomping and clapping to Queen's "We Will Rock You", the crowd sang: "Weeeee wannnnnt"¦ Weeeee wannnnnt"¦ the guy who Detroit couldn't get rid of fast enough even if it meant they'd have to take a salary cap hit to unload his career 68-point-1 quarterback rating and average of five wins per season!" It was a mouthful, but catchy.

Vikings 16, Panthers 13 (OT)
Once you accept the fact that Minnesota kicker Ryan Longwell had more touchdown completions than quarterback Brad Johnson, the rest of this game somehow managed to get even more boring. Carolina, already without All-Pro wide receiver Steve Smith and linebacker Dan Morgan, lost... well, a shitload more players to injury, including left tackle Travelle Wharton, who left the game with a season-ending knee problem. Team doctors could only offer one possible diagnosis for the rash of injuries.

"Gypsy curse," they nodded in unison. "No other explanation, given that we've since learned our home stadium is not built on an Indian burial ground."
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Giants 30, Eagles 24 (OT)
New York entered the fourth quarter down by 17 points but took advantage of the NFL's unwritten "Do not tackle or intercept any quarterbacks named Manning" rule to come back, tie things up and pull out a win in overtime. Manning's winning TD pass to Amani Toomer was the receiver's second of the game, prompting groans as fans-even those in Giants blue-realized they'd have to listen to twice as many Chris Berman impersonations of Arnold Schwarzenegger saying, "It's not a Toomah!" on NFL Live.

49ers 20, Rams 13
It was only reasonable to assume the firing of head coach Mike Martz would result in a more conservative Rams offense, meaning they might run the ball more than a dozen or so times a game. What no one would have considered reasonable would have been a prediction that after two games St. Louis would have one touchdown and a loss to the pathetic 49ers.

Broncos 9, Chiefs 6 (OT)
As awful as the Seahawks/Lions game from last week-which ended with the exact same score-may have been, at least those teams managed to get their five field goals without needing to go to overtime. Much like a groundhog seeing his shadow in February, the end result of this game means at least one more week of
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Dan Marino, Shannon Sharpe and Boomer Esiason's Algonquin Round Table-like debate over whether Jake Plummer should be benched for rookie Jay Cutler. Remember, whenever you hear the phrase, "When I played fuh Mike Shanahan..." do a shot.

Patriots, 24, Jets 17
It's hard to tell who should have been more embarrassed by the end of this game. The Jets allowed New England to get out to a 24-0 lead, but the Patriots let New York come back and have a shot at tying the game in the end. Eric Mangini, the Jets' head coach and former Patriots coordinator, shook hands briefly with New England coach Bill Belicheck after the game and claims he doesn't speak to his mentor much since joining the Jets.

"I focused on our players and our team," Mangini offered, about as convincingly as your buddy who just broke up with his girlfriend of a year and a half when he tells you he doesn't even think of her but then five beers later he's weeping her name and yelling at you because you've never known true love so you can never know what he's feeling so shut up, just shut up!
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Chargers 40, Titans 7
The rebuilding Titans put up a valiant effort against San Diego, using the opportunity to give both Kerry Collins and Vince Young time in the quarterback... Sorry, I tried. Match ups like this are the reason Little Leagues invented the slaughter rule. San Diego was so dominant that Tennessee only got into Charger territory twice, and the first time wasn't until the third quarter... and the Titans only made it to the 45... AND it ended in a interception. LaDainian Tomlinson put up the best fantasy numbers of any running back all day, despite only playing half the game. Even his backup Michael Turner ran for 138 yards!

Seahawks 21, Cardinals 10
Cardinals fans came back to Earth after a drubbing from Seattle, the saddest part of this being that Cardinals fans could get so excited over a slim victory against "as long as Houston is in the league we're not the worst team" San Francisco. The defending NFC champion Seahawks didn't have much to brag about themselves, jumping out to a 14-0 lead in the first half and snoozing through most of the second. "Don't look at me," laughed running back
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Shaun Alexander, who was named NFL MVP last season and signed the richest contract ever given to a running back in the off season. "I got my money, sucker!"

Cowboys 27, Redskins 10
Terrell Owens was a bit less than impressive in his first home game as a Cowboy, managing just three catches for 19 yards and a number of drops and penalties. "The team got a win, that's all that matters," Owens told reporters while juggling a chainsaw, a flaming bowling pin, and a helpless kitten. "I don't know why you seem to think T.O. always wants all eyes on me." Ultimately, Owens left the game with a broken finger that will require surgery. "Right, it hurts a lot. Are you going to do a story on that?" Owens brightened. "I think that would make ever so great a headline!"

Without Owens demanding every pass, Terry Glenn was able to haul in six catches, including a 40-yard touchdown. "Yeah, Terry did a great job," Owens said while lining up a dozen stink beetles on a table. "How many of these do you think I can eat in 30 seconds? Hey, pay attention to me!"


Jake Bell is a former NBC sportscaster and head writer for Ye Olde Comick Booke Blogge.

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