The new NFL season is upon us and Cracked is here with an in-depth, team-by-team preview full of analysis and insight you won't find anywhere else.
New England PatriotsSTRENGTH:You
You don't respect the Patriots. You don't acknowledge their greatness. You don't spend every waking moment thinking about how their awesomeness and striving to be like them in every way you can. Problem is, the Patriots know about your heinous disrespect. And it fuels them.WEAKNESS:Tom Brady
Can you imagine how tough it must be to concentrate with that dreamboat staring you down in the huddle? What a gorgeous man.
Buffalo BillsSTRENGTH: Track record
It' hard to believe, but the Bills haven't lost a Super Bowl in more than 10 years. In fact, they haven't even gotten close. Impressive, huh?! It' that type of continued success that makes it seem like they could be about to break through.WEAKNESS: Quarterback
The Bills quarterbacks stink. On the bright side, they're always candidates for Comeback Player of the Year.Miami DolphinsSTRENGTH: Team morale
Their suspended running back, Ricky Williams, is a total pothead, but luckily he didn't clean out his locker before leaving the team for the CFL. Score!WEAKNESS:Toughness
Studies show that teams with uniforms colors like Miami' official Pansy Teal and Wuss Orange tend to play like giant pussies.New York JetsSTRENGTH:Gradual improvement
The Jets have long been viewed as the worst team in the AFC East, but it' been several years since they've finished fifth in the division. That' measurable improvement.WEAKNESS:Facts
The AFC East was cut down from five teams to four in 2002.How They'll Finish:
The Patriots will finish 11-5 and clinch the division before the final game, giving Tom Brady a few weeks to rest and bang your girlfriend before the playoffs. The Dolphins and Bills will follow in second and third place, respectively, and the Jets will come in fifth. Somehow.
Cincinnati BengalsSTRENGTH:Wide receiver
Chad Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh form a dynamic duo that would be even better if Johnson wouldn't insist on only running routes that take him in the direction of TV cameras.WEAKNESS:Defense
One of the best known sayings in sports is: "Defense wins championships." Probably the only better known saying is: "No team with a defense as awful as the Bengals' will ever win a championship."Baltimore RavensSTRENGTH:Experience
Over the past few years it' been next to impossible to break open for a big gain against the Baltimore defense. The main reason for their impermeability? Most of the guys on their squad have spent enough time in jail to know that you never let an adversary get behind you.
Linebacker Ray Lewis is one of the best leaders in sports, but his practice of stabbing teammates in the stomach if they miss an assignment has really thinned the team' ranks over the years.Cleveland BrownsSTRENGTH:Coaching
Say the Browns are flying out to play a West division team and their plane goes down in the Rockies. Romeo Crennel' body could feed the team for a month. Sure, the likes of Bill Cowher, Brian Billick and Jon Gruden have Super Bowls, but they'd only feed a team for a week Ã¢â‚¬" tops. With the typical NFL appetite, that just won't do.WEAKNESS:History
The Browns have never appeared in a Super Bowl and have only one winning season in the last 11 years. Add to it the fact that they're uniforms look like actual feces, and that' a lot to overcome.
Pittsburgh won the Super Bowl last season, making them one of only three NFL teams with five championships and finally giving the franchise "One for the Thumb." Now the Steelers are set to get another ring with the rallying cry: "One for the Cock."WEAKNESS:Leadership
Team leader Jerome Bettis retired, so that leaves quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to fill the void. But when Roethlisberger grows a beard, his cleft chin makes it look like he has a hairy ball sack stuck to his face. And it' hard to be a leader of men with a scrotum on your face. Ask any French general.