Pittsburgh won the Super Bowl last season, making them one of only three NFL teams with five championships and finally giving the franchise "One for the Thumb." Now the Steelers are set to get another ring with the rallying cry: "One for the Cock."
Team leader Jerome Bettis retired, so that leaves quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to fill the void. But when Roethlisberger grows a beard, his cleft chin makes it look like he has a hairy ball sack stuck to his face. And it' hard to be a leader of men with a scrotum on your face. Ask any French general.
How They'll Finish:
The Steelers will win the division with a 12-4 record with the Bengals and Ravens behind them at 9-7. That' nine wins, seven losses or nine arrests, seven convictions. We're not sure which.
STRENGTH:They've got Reggie Bush!
The Texans were fortunate enough to get the No. 1 pick in this year' draft, enabling them to pick a once-in-a-generation talent like Reggie Bush.
WEAKNESS:Are you kidding me?!
They didn't pick him?! They picked some lineman from NC State? Oh, wow, wow, wow. What an awful organization.
The Colts have lost in the playoffs in almost every way imaginable. So before long they'll have run out of ways to lose, meaning they'll finally win the Super Bowl. Or they'll start missing the playoffs altogether. Either or.
WEAKNESS:Rudeness of opponents
Do the Colts' opponents not know it is Peyton Manning' destiny to win the Super Bowl? How dare they stand in the way of the greatness predestined for Archie' little boy! It' rude is what it is. Every time he throws a pass in the chest of opposing defender, they should drop it out of respect.
Some said the Titans shouldn't draft Vince Young — a side-armed quarterback with no concept of a pro offense and the intellect of jockstrap. But the Titans are idealists. Stupid, doomed idealists. But idealists nonetheless.
People remember the Titans from the Denzel Washington movie. But not these Titans. These Titans aren't memorable because these Titans suck. In fact, the only reason people remember these Titans is so they can remind themselves not to watch them again.
The Jaguars are one of the franchises that the NFL could move to Los Angeles. Jacksonville' players can use that carrot as a reason to play well in hopes of raising their marketability for when they leave the hell hole that is Jacksonville, Florida.
It doesn't seem fair that the Jaguars got stuck with the only immobile black quarterback in history.
How They'll Finish:
The Colts will take the division with 11 wins, not counting playoff victories. Counting playoff victories, they'll have 11 wins.
STRENGTH:Thin mountain air
As any ESPN commentator will tell you, the Broncos always have an advantage over their opponents who struggle to play in such high altitude.
WEAKNESS:Thin mountain air
As any ESPN commentator will tell you, the thin air allows Jake Plummer' passes to stay aloft a split second longer, making them that much easier to intercept.
Kansas City Chiefs
Not that new coach Herm Edwards is all that great, but at least he doesn't break into tears every five minutes like that estrogen junkie Dick Vermeil.