Movie quotes are occasionally useful. Last week, when Paris Hilton claimed that she didn't "deserve" her jail sentence, there's nothing we wanted more than to stand over her like Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven and whisper, "Deserve's got nothing to do with it, mister." These five phrases from recent comedies, on the other hand, have all become cultural shorthand for, "I'm smart enough to remember what that one guy said that one time, but just barely bright enough to breathe without a machine."
5. "C'mon, Focker!" (Or any sentence that ends in "...Focker!")
Origins: Focker quotes were inane from the moment Robert De Niro uttered them in the feature-length SNL skits known as Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers . We'd explain the line, but that would ruin the only joke in both movies. Meanwhile, we've contacted the producers and are hoping they'll pay us a bunch of money for our screenplay, My Name is Schmidthead.
Common Usage: Any time when you want to say "fuck" but are afraid of being naughty. Basically, first through third grades. After that, if you can't get past the thrill of almost saying a curse word, chances are you're never going to need to know what the verb form of the word "fuck" means anyways.
4. "Shake and bake!"
Origins: It's not just dinner for poor people anymore. "Shake and bake" is also the victorious catchphrase of racecar driver Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights: That Will Ferrell Movie With Cars.
Common Usage: Usually delivered with a fist bump, "shake and bake" is like a Forrest Gump quote mixed with a high five. It shows your friends that you think of yourself as a semi-retarded NASCAR driver, and that you hold them in the same high regard. Sprinkling a "shake and bake" in while dishing out the celebratory fist bumps lets everyone in the room know that your last big win was completing the Tri-Force (in "The Legend of Zelda," but you knew that).
3. "Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? [Motorboat sound] You motorboatin' son of a bitch. You old sailor, you."
Origins: If Wedding Crashers has any flaws, it's that the movie's only conflict is that Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson's characters get too much trim. If we wanted to worry about something completely implausible that will never affect us, we'd go watch An Inconvenient Truth. The only realistic aspect of the movie is that even when he's ankle deep in labia, Vaughn still gets excited to talk about boobs, as in this oft quoted passage.
Common Usage: Sure, you could recite this quote when a friend of yours mentions a recent hookup. He'll probably reply, "Oh, I get it, that's from that movie Wedding Crashers." And you will in turn say, "Yup!" And then the two of you will sit around in a haze of awkward, stultifying stupidity for the rest of the night.
A better way to use it is any time your dad starts a sentence with "Me and your mom"¦" That'll be sure to liven up Thanksgiving dinner. Especially if your mom has great tits.
2. "You know how I know you're gay?"
Origins: The 40-Year Old Virgin may have launched Steve Carell's career, but the improvised scenes between Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen are among its most memorable moments, particularly the video game playing, trash-talking exchange of "Y'know how I know you're gay?"
Of course, anyone who uses this quote will be quick to remind you that they don't have anything against gay people. They're not talking about GAY, gay. Just"¦y'know"¦ gay. C'mon, you know what they mean. Quit being so gay.
Common Usage: Anytime someone uses this line, things usually devolve into what amounts to a stupider, whiter version of the MTV show Yo Mamma. Read that last sentence again, and then try to resist the urge to punch a total stranger in the face. The one potential upside is the possibility that some jackass will at some point in the future, say this to someone who actually is gay. Sure, he may feel witty in front of his boys, but he's probably not going to have anything to say that will top the response of, "Because I just had sex with you in a Porta-John?"
1. "Eees NIIIIIICE,"or "My Seeestehr"¦"or "Een My Coun-tehr-ee"
Origins: You know where it comes from, so we don't have to go into it. Don't get us wrong, we thought Borat was genius. But what no one has really examined is Sacha Baron Cohen's brilliance as a linguist. The man may very well have created the first language in which every sentence, when quoted by Americans, translates roughly to, "I am a total douchebag."
Proper Usage: Borat quotes are meant to be delivered in an Eastern Bloc accent hackish enough to make Yakov Smirnoff ululate. Many people believe that the proper response to a Borat quote is another Borat quote, but this is actually incorrect. Modern etiquette and social responsibility demand that the quoter receive a swift testicle drubbing, lest he reproduce.
Read more of Zach's stuff over at his blog UnderpantsOnTheOutside.com.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.