1. Lost Series 1 – Hurley Action Figure
Kids will be thrilled at the sight of the Hurley action figure from the hit TV drama, Lost
. Here’s a list of things Hurley can do:
- Lean against a pole.
- Breathe heavily.
- Burden our healthcare system.
There’s also a voice chip that spits out lines like “Wait! The numbers are bad!” This is the perfect toy for all ages, because when your kids grow older, they can contemplate what the word “action” in “action figure” really means, and some day computer technology may be advanced enough to calculate the colossal error in judgment it must have taken to green light this shitfest of an action figure.
Runner-up: Lost Series 1 – Shannon Action Figure
Seen here tastefully sun-bathing amongst the backdrop of plane wreckage. To be fair, only some of the passengers were brutally ripped apart upon crash landing, and that beach looks very inviting.
2. Dirt Devil Junior Play Upright Vacuum Cleaner
Manufacturer recommended age: 3-7
My recommended age: 1-99
What you are looking at may be the single most brilliant invention in the history of the universe: a vacuum cleaner toy! This cleverly disguised appliance will help condition your children to run around the house with a vacuum, so when they grow older, they’ll jump at the opportunity to handle the real thing with reflexes that would give Pavlov a wet dream.
There are varying facades to help mask these devices for what they really are: tools of indoctrination. Do your part in helping make our future a bleak Orwellian nightmare in which people get punished for asking questions like: should we trust state-sponsored news, is a society under surveillance truly free, and why the fuck was I given a vacuum cleaner to play with as a child?
Runner-up: Just Like Home Cookware Set
Why stop at cleaning? Get those ungrateful little monsters to start earning their keep sooner with the “Just Like Home” cookware set. Have a holly jolly Christmas ham. Or three. Remember: forced labor harbors contempt. Coerced labor harbors a complacent work force.
3. Alphabet Magnets
These refrigerator alphabet magnets will remind you of your childhood, when times were more innocent and the worst thing that could happen to you was a nuclear holocaust. In this day and age where you can open an envelope that causes bleeding under your skin and lesions to appear in your mouth, there’s something comforting about the simplicity of alphabet magnets.
Your child will have minutes of fun arranging words. What more, it’s a fun way to leave messages on the fridge for your child before he goes to school every day.