"Me, too," Paula Abdul cooed. "You have any decongestants? I have the sniffles."
Throughout the rest of the week, Paula Abdul kept chiming in with praise that helped build my confidence. She deemed my half-hearted vacuuming "heroic" and my five-hour Gears of War XBox 360 marathon an "inspiration for dreamers everywhere." When I accidentally drove over a squirrel on the way to the donut shop, she clapped like a seal and said it was "bold, daring, magnificent and bold."
I hadn't felt this good about myself in a long time. I mean, this was the woman who sang "Straight Up" and appeared in videos with Keanu Reeves and a cartoon cat-and here she was saying I was a shiny and infectious hero.
My wife, however, was less enthusiastic about Paula Abdul' life judging. She confronted me about it one evening while I was watching The Bachelor.
"All the donuts and Sudafed are gone," she said.
"So?" I answered, slightly annoyed. I hate being interrupted while watching my shows. The great Chris Harrison deserves my complete attention.
"So all the donuts and Sudafed are gone, and your life judge is dancing on the dining room table with powdered sugar on her face," she clarified.
Sure enough, when I peered into the dining room, Paula Abdul was standing on the table, slow-dancing and making out with an empty box of donuts.
"Hey there, superstar!" she beamed. "Stay true to yourself because that' what keeps you going and striving for more in your very, very, very talented journey. And we're out of donuts again."