Messages From Katie Couric

Times have been hard for Katie Couric. Her ratings at the CBS Evening News have fallen precipitously in the 100 days since she took over from Dan Rather. With her job on the line, Katie recently vented her frustrations to Esquire magazine in a surprisingly candid interview. But at CRACKED, we understand that tell-all magazine articles only go so far. That’s why we paid a junkie to break into Ms. Couric’s luxury New York City apartment and score us a copy of her voicemails. Behold, the secret world of Katie Couric.

Hello Katie! Dan here. I read your interview in Esquire and I just wanted to be a shoulder for you to cry on. I’m here for ya, Katie. Courage, girl. Courage. Hey, you know that part of the interview where you say “there are vultures circling and they’ll eat you alive?” Well I just wanted to let you know that vultures are scavengers. THAT MEANS THEY EAT DEAD ANIMALS! That’s what they do, you silly twit. Good lord! How did I lose this job to a grinning mental deficient? Stop smiling. No one needs to see that much of anyones gums. Oh, and I liked that part of the interview where you said to Esquire, “bite me.” That was classy. It reminded me of when my predecessor, the venerable Walter Cronkite, told Harpers to ‘suck it and suck it hard.’ Oh wait. He never did that. Of course, no respectable journalist would speak that way.

Hey, Katie. It's Dr. Ron from the clinic. Just read the Esquire interview. Why so down? Third place ratings? Don’t fret too much or those nasty ol’ frown lines will come back. If America wanted to look at a bag of wrinkles, CBS could get Bob Scheffer to come back. Hey, maybe they should. I mean, he was pulling down better numbers than you. Oh, I’m sorry, I bet this isn’t helping the dreadful creases in your face. You know what might help? Some good ole’ fashion Botox injections. It’s been over a week! You know the drill. Bring the cash in a brown paper bag. I’ve cut a new face hole in the side of my office wall. I’ll be waiting.

Yeah, hi Katie. I know we don’t know each other that well, but I had some questions and I didn’t know who else to ask. When you were at the Today Show did you ever catch Anne Curry sitting in your chair, pretending to interview people after the show was over? And, maybe I’m being paranoid, but sometimes instead of sneezing, I could swear she’s just saying ‘Viera’s a whore’ under her breath while she holds her hand over her face. Anyway, was hoping you could offer some input. Thanks.

Oh, my lovely Katie! It was so great to hear from you my darling. Yes, it has been too long. And of course, I have some fun pizza ideas to show you. But . . . on the air? You know you're on in the evening now right? Are you sure that counts as news?

Hello Ms. Couric. This is Vincent Vitagliano from Vitagliano Private Investigators. I’m just calling to let you know that we’ve followed up on your request to investigate Brian Williams. I’m sorry to tell you that despite your high hopes, we haven’t turned up any dirt yet. Clean as a whistle. Family man. Good journalistic credentials. We did check his e-mail like you suggested and, yes, we did find a lot of solicitations from child pornography websites, but we looked a little further and it seems someone had given his e-mail address out to a lot of mailing lists. You wouldn’t know anything about that, right Ms. Couric?

(Spooky exaggerated ghost voice) Kaaaa-Teee! KAAAA-TEEE! I’m the ghost of Edward R Murrow. I have a message from beyond the grave . . .OOOWAH! . . . Resign . . Quit. . . GET OUT! .OOOOOWAH…. you suck. You suuuuucck . . . . Aw just kidding Katie! It’s Dan Rather. Did you really think changing your number would keep me away? C’mon, I’m a real journalist. Bite me.

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