Times have been hard for Katie Couric. Her ratings at the CBS Evening News have fallen precipitously in the 100 days since she took over from Dan Rather. With her job on the line, Katie recently vented her frustrations to Esquire magazine in a surprisingly candid interview. But at CRACKED, we understand that tell-all magazine articles only go so far. That’s why we paid a junkie to break into Ms. Couric’s luxury New York City apartment and score us a copy of her voicemails. Behold, the secret world of Katie Couric.
Hello Katie! Dan here. I read your interview in Esquire and I just wanted to be a shoulder for you to cry on. I’m here for ya, Katie. Courage, girl. Courage. Hey, you know that part of the interview where you say “there are vultures circling and they’ll eat you alive?” Well I just wanted to let you know that vultures are scavengers. THAT MEANS THEY EAT DEAD ANIMALS! That’s what they do, you silly twit. Good lord! How did I lose this job to a grinning mental deficient? Stop smiling. No one needs to see that much of anyones gums. Oh, and I liked that part of the interview where you said to Esquire, “bite me.” That was classy. It reminded me of when my predecessor, the venerable Walter Cronkite, told Harpers to ‘suck it and suck it hard.’ Oh wait. He never did that. Of course, no respectable journalist would speak that way.