SocializingNever, under any circumstances, should your Lohan come in contact with the common Hilton bird, which is native to Paris (you can recognize this bird by its song, which is heavily produced and awful). The two species do not mix and will often attack each other in ways that degrade them both.
SpayingSpaying your Lohan is not necessary, since the Lohan' diet and natural state make its womb unsuitably toxic for sustaining life. Nevertheless, should you decide to pursue spaying, you will notice your veterinarian wearing asbestos covered flame-retardant gloves. This is because the Lohan' genitalia is rumored to be unspeakably hot, with at least one expert referring to it as a "firecrotch."
Sleeping HabitsMany pet owners mistakenly think that the Lohan is nocturnal because of its sleeping schedule. This is a common misconception. In actuality, the Lohan is merely a lazy bitch.
TrainingThe Lohan lacks any discernable skills or the ability to learn, and unfortunately cannot be trained. While it occasionally rolls over and plays dead, these tricks have been attributed to controlled substances rather than a conscious decision to perform them.
HousebreakingAlthough the droppings of the Lohan can be quite pungent (on those days that it eats without vomiting), you should be sensitive to its feelings when cleaning, for the Lohan is under the impression that its feces do not stink.
Recommended For Your Pleasure
The flow of time is cruel to us all.
- By Mark Hill
- April 12, 2019