Congratulations Wonderland Rehab Center! You are now the proud owner of your very own pet Lohan. With proper care and maintenance, your pet might conceivably provide you with entertainment and companionship for months-perhaps even years-to come. But the Lohan is also an extremely curious and demanding pet. Here are some things you should know.
Basic FactsThe Lohan, indigenous to the south shore of Long Island, was introduced to the rest of America in the early 21st century via Hollywood trappers. While its natural habitat is the mall, it adapts rather well to invitation-only nightclubs and multi-million dollar penthouse suites. No doubt you've already noticed your pet' brightly attractive red plumage, its full breast and its willingness to hump your leg for money. Treat your Lohan well and it will continue to do so.
Eating HabitsAlthough pleasingly plump in early adolescence, the Lohan loses much body weight during its 19th year. This drastic weight loss coincides with a startling bleaching of plumage. Note that the Lohan' breast sometimes and inexplicably remains full or even grows despite this weight loss. Because the symptoms of the Lohan' weight loss appear to resemble the natural side effects of cocaine and bulimia, many frightened pet owners will rush to the veterinarian thinking their pet is dying. However, after several months, the Lohan' natural color usually returns along with some weight gain. Unfortunately, the Lohan will never really be the same, and many saddened pet owners will find themselves looking at pictures of the 18-year-old Lohan over and over again.
SocializingNever, under any circumstances, should your Lohan come in contact with the common Hilton bird, which is native to Paris (you can recognize this bird by its song, which is heavily produced and awful). The two species do not mix and will often attack each other in ways that degrade them both.
SpayingSpaying your Lohan is not necessary, since the Lohan' diet and natural state make its womb unsuitably toxic for sustaining life. Nevertheless, should you decide to pursue spaying, you will notice your veterinarian wearing asbestos covered flame-retardant gloves. This is because the Lohan' genitalia is rumored to be unspeakably hot, with at least one expert referring to it as a "firecrotch."
Sleeping HabitsMany pet owners mistakenly think that the Lohan is nocturnal because of its sleeping schedule. This is a common misconception. In actuality, the Lohan is merely a lazy bitch.
TrainingThe Lohan lacks any discernable skills or the ability to learn, and unfortunately cannot be trained. While it occasionally rolls over and plays dead, these tricks have been attributed to controlled substances rather than a conscious decision to perform them.
HousebreakingAlthough the droppings of the Lohan can be quite pungent (on those days that it eats without vomiting), you should be sensitive to its feelings when cleaning, for the Lohan is under the impression that its feces do not stink.
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
Well, this is terrifying.
A good horror story is hard to pull off.