Do-It-Yourself Crotch Bulges

According to GroinWorld Magazine, 80% of a good first impression is in your crotch bulge. So what should you be stuffing in your pants this spring? Here's our top five Do-It-Yourself bulges:


Advertisement

[subtitle]Made of: A tube sock full of stainless steel beads, topped with a pair of golf balls.

Ideal for: Solemn occasions, like giving the eulogy at a friend's funeral. The Steely Danâ„¢ is high on bulk but low on rigidity and protrusion, projecting a calm, stable energy over the mourners without giving the awkward appearance that you're experiencing sexual arousal at the thought of their loved one's death.

Make sure to: Avoid rupture of the sock and spillage of the beads. I was sporting the Steely Danâ„¢ as a pallbearer once (mine packed with quarter-inch ball bearings with graphite cores). I felt the unit suddenly spill the balls onto the pavement at my feet, at which point three of the men behind me slipped and went flailing, tipping the casket over and sending the corpse flying.

I attempted to restore order to the scene but with my reassuring bulge now deflated, I found it impossible. I always double-sock this one now.

The Commander in Chiefâ„¢

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Made of: A deflated football, partially filled with warm clam chowder.

Ideal for: Just ask its inventor, one John F. Kennedy.

That's right, folks, this is The Bulge That Changed History. When Kennedy faced Nixon in the first televised debates of 1960, the audience who heard the debate on radio declared Nixon the winner. Those who saw it on TV, however, overwhelmingly went Kennedy. Why?

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Because Kennedy was packing The Commander In Chiefâ„¢, broadcasting his distended groin into the zeitgeist of the free world once and for all. The people heard Nixon talk tough on Communism. They saw Kennedy had five pounds of dong.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Look around and you'll see "The Commander" is making a comeback in a huge way. In a nation longing for change, growing fearful of terror just as JFK's America lived under the looming Soviet shadow, this bulge's time has come once again.

In your own life, this classic is ideal for first impressions, such as job interviews or meeting the parents of your future bride for the first time. Good heft and volume, yet comfortable and form-fitting. A natural look that speaks of quiet authority.

Make sure to: Avoid leakage. Just ask George W. Bush, who planned to unleash his "Commander" in 2003 after landing aboard an aircraft carrier. Unfortunately, the G-forces from the flight ruptured the football, spilling most of the chowder down his thighs. When he stepped off the plane he unveiled to a shocked nation a bulge not even a quarter of the size he planned:

Needless to say, the war was lost.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

20 Comments

Load Comments

More Articles

5 Screwed-Up Secrets The Ultra-Rich Don't Want You To Know

You don't make astonishing amounts of money without ending up a jerk in some way.

231

5 Billion-Dollar Industries That Treat Workers Like Garbage

Even our most popular forms of entertainment can treat their employees like absolute trash.

252

5 Underreported Dumb Annoyances Pro Athletes Put Up With

Being at the top of your game can really drag you down.

130

6 Very Stupid Questions With Very Smart Answers

No serious person would ask these questions ... but we got serious answers anyway.

134

5 Acts Of Charity That Went Horrendously Wrong

The road to losing your tax exemption status is paved with good intentions.

108

5 Dark (But Hilarious) Times Big Tech Companies Failed Hard

Well, this is ... bleakly hilarious.

106