Here’s Every Single Dull and Inane Thing Jimmy Fallon Says in the First Episode of ‘On Brand With Jimmy Fallon’

What is On Brand With Jimmy Fallon? Great question, disappointing answer.

Regardless of how you feel about it, it’s a show hosted by Jimmy Fallon. Here’s every single depressingly inane thing he says in tonight’s series premiere.

Voice-over: Hey, everybody! I’m Jimmy Fallon.

VO: Take a look around. Businesses are fighting for your attention.

VO: Iconic commercials are everywhere.

VO: But now, marketing is a part of pop culture. Whether it’s promoting ourselves on social media, or sharing ads with friends, one brilliant campaign can connect millions of people, and translate to millions in profits. So to cut through the noise, brands need bigger and louder ideas than ever before. So I’ve created a new business competition.

Jimmy in a clip from a future episode: You guys are going to wrap the whole plane!

VO: And I’m opening the doors to a brand-new agency for businesses. Great ideas can come from anywhere. So I’ve selected 10 everyday Americans from all walks of life. Some are geniuses. Some are swim instructors. But all of them are bursting with creativity and a unique point of view. 

VO: Massive brands will be handing us their highest-priority campaign briefs.

Future Jimmy: The Super Bowl CAMPAIGN!

Future Jimmy: We won’t tell anybody.

Future Jimmy: EXTRA LEGROOM!

VO: Our creatives will compete to make real commercials and nationwide campaigns.

VO: NFL quarterback Josh ALLEN!

VO: Each week, the winning concept will be seen in stores, plastered on billboards and played on screens across the country. 

Future Jimmy: Who is going home with $100,000?

VO: Big dreams, real opportunities to influence the world with groundbreaking ideas.

Future Jimmy: May the best idea WIIIIIIIN!

VO: This is On Brand, with me, Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy: Welcooooome!

Jimmy: This is your home, this is your home! Welcome to the On Brand agency. How’s everyone feeling on their first day?

Jimmy: I am your host and your boss, Jimmy Fallon. I’d like to introduce you to our Chief Marketing Officer. Her résumé includes Head of Music and Entertainment Marketing for Pepsi, Chief Brand Officer at Uber, Chief Marketing Officer at Netflix and Chief Badass on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Say hello to Bozoma! Saint! John!

Jimmy: Thank you so much for taking this job. I can already tell that we’re gonna be great together, because, yeah. I’m excited, I bring the passion, and you are actually qualified.

Jimmy: She’s a good pick, she’s a good pick.

Jimmy: I’m gonna ask you a lot of questions throughout the season. 

Jimmy: A couple here or there, no big deal. You’re overly qualified.

Jimmy: Every week, an iconic brand will walk through those doors, okay? And they’re gonna ask you to build them the perfect marketing campaign to boost their brand awareness and profitability.

Jimmy: The On Brand agency is incredibly competitive. You’re gonna be fighting it out to win accounts, and one of you will earn the title Innovator of the Year. And with that title also comes a bonus of $100,000! You’ll also get your very own feature with Adweek and Innovator of the Year trophy. And of course, it’s all gonna happen here — at the On Brand Agency. This place was built for creativity. And it’s all powered by Samsung.

Jimmy: All right! Let’s go meet our first client. The address is in your email. I’ll meet you there.

Jimmy in a talking head interview: I love coming up with ideas, I love advertising, I love reality shows, which is why I decided to combine them all.

Jimmy in a talking head interview: I think that might be the best idea I’ve ever had.

Jimmy while driving into a parking lot in a car shaped like a donut and iced coffee: How’d you like my ride? Jelly?

Jimmy: Jelly… donut? 

Jimmy: Who’s ready to meet the cliennnnnnnt?!

Jimmy: Please welcome President Scott Murphy and Chief Marketing Officer Jill Nelson!

VO: Dunkin’ is a coffee giant, but they’ve come to On Brand aiming to expand their business.

Jimmy: How much money is behind this campaign?

VO: Once you’re back at the agency, you’ll have one hour before you’re pitching your campaign ideas to Dunkin’.

Jimmy: Does everyone understand the assignment?

Jimmy: Good luck, and may the best idea WIN!

VO: The American breakfast market generates an estimated $50 billion in annual sales, and Dunkin’s counting on our agency to deliver their next big idea. The pitch has to include a campaign tagline, and meal deal packaging. The two best ideas will go head-to-head in a Dunkin’ store to see which campaign resonates most with customers!

Jimmy: Hey everybody listen up! We’re ready for the big client meeting! Everyone make sure that you get your work over to the graphics team, and then meet us in the pitch arena.

Jimmy in a talking head interview: I mean, I’m a little nervous, because it’s not fake. This is real businesses and real money, they’re spending a lot of money on this. So we have to deliver.

Jimmy: Just as excited as you are!

Jimmy in a talking head interview, whispering to Scott Murphy: This is gonna be epic.

Jimmy: I gave our team a little bit of time and a whole lot of caffeine to get their Dunkin’ pitches in order. Now, one at a time, they’re gonna pitch their campaigns to you. Mahiri, you’re up! Let’s goooooo! Come on, Mahiri!

Jimmy: Good job, bud!

Jimmy: Thank you very much! Ryan, whenever you’re ready.

Jimmy: Yeah, yeah.

Jimmy: Okay, Raj? Are you ready?

Jimmy: What is the demo for this? Who are you going for, who are you targeting?

Jimmy: All right, Azhelle! Let’s see what you’ve got.

Jimmy: Azhelle, thank you very much.

Jimmy: All right, Bianca, you are next.

Jimmy: Well done.

Jimmy: BT. Show ’em what you’ve got.

Jimmy: And?

Jimmy, when Jill Nelson critiques BT’s attempt at a Boston accent: It’s a tough accent to nail.

Jimmy: Yeaaaah. It’s wicked hahhd. All right, BT, everyone, good job. Great job, everyone, once again, thank you!

Jimmy in a talking head interview: Now that the creatives have all pitched their campaign concepts, the client will pick their two favorites. The creatives they choose will then go head-to-head to see who can execute their idea the best, and win the account.

Jimmy: So who pitched the first campaign that you’d like to see more of? 

Jimmy: Who pitched the second campaign that you’d like to see expanded?

Jimmy: Incredible, Ryan and Bianca, congratulations! We’re gonna see your campaigns expanded!

Jimmy: Your proof of concept will be a merch drop at a launch event at a real Dunkin’ location. 

Jimmy: So you’ll each serve as a creative lead and battle head-to-head to determine which team lands the account, and who will be our first Innovator of the Week. I think our creatives are ready to get to work. We’ll see you back at Dunkin’ when it’s time to bring their campaigns to life. Thank you very much!

Jimmy: You have 24 hours before doors open at Dunkin’. You can all head off now and go get to work! Good luck, good luck!

Jimmy: Wow, there’s people WAITING to GET IN!

Jimmy: Right? Me too, I love it!

Jimmy: All right, guys, we’re gonna start the countdown and open the doors. In 3… 2… 1!  Open the dooooooors!

VO: All right, we’re gonna find out which campaign and merchandise the public likes best!

Jimmy: Oh, that’s interesting. 

Jimmy: Look at Ryan. Ryan’s confident.

Jimmy: This is fascinating.

Jimmy: She’s pivoting.

Jimmy: Yep, this is the moment.

Jimmy: All right.

Jimmy: We’re gonna go down.

Jimmy: Firsthand.

Jimmy: Pitch battle is next, let’s gooooooo!

Jimmy: Bianca, let’s start with you. Please tell us how your campaign evolved.

Jimmy in a talking head interview: Hey, everybody watching at home, are you Team Ryan or Team Bianca? Let us know using the hashtag below!

Jimmy: Okay, I think it’s time to make a decision.

Jimmy: Sorry.

Jimmy: Scott, Jill: who won the account?

Jimmy: Well done team, well done everybody. And we’re not sending anyone home today!

Jimmy: Ryan, you are our first Innovator of the Week!

Jimmy: NATIONWIDE! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! This is really happening!

Jimmy: Your grandpa would be very proud.