14 Questionable Celebrity Apps and Tech Endeavors
Try to keep these in mind when that big solar flare wipes away every last one and zero the human race has ever programmed, that should soften the blow.
‘ShaqDown’
It’s more funny than fun to play, which is perfectly fine. It’s about Shaq’s alter ego, “The Justice Bringer,” killing hoards of zombie mutants through the power of disciplined and accurate free throwing.
Taylor Swift Greeting Cards
Back in the halcyon days of someecards, American Greetings teamed up with Swift to create an app where users could send saccharine, overly-filtered digital greeting cards featuring heart hands and Swift lyrics. Taylor Swift music played the whole time, like you were on some kid’s Myspace page.
‘Snoopify’
It cannot be overstated how much of a poser Snoop is. He tried to make his own Instagram that let users add misogyny (strippers) and cultural appropriation (chains and hairnets) to their selfies.
Miranda July’s ‘Somebody’
The director/actress/author hated phone culture so much that she attempted to blow it up from the inside. The concept of her app was that you’d write a personal note to a friend, but it wouldn’t be delivered digitally — the app would find a Somebody user nearest to the recipient, and instruct them to find the person and deliver the message verbally.
‘Kim Kardashian: Hollywood’
Players would create a custom avatar and navigate the Hollywood socialite scene, buying random crap and attending photo shoots in an attempt to rise from the E-list to the A-list. They’d endure conflict with a frenemy named Willow Pape, and even worse, visits from Kardashian’s avatar. It made the studio, Glu Gaming, $40 million in the first three months.
‘Katy Perry: Pop’
Glu tried to replicate that success with Perry, designing a game where you climb your way to the top of the pop-star ladder. There was one major oversight: The game featured exactly zero music. Everyone hated it.
‘Britney Spears: American Dream’
The studio fixed their “no music” problem with the next release, roping Spears into a weird social game where users could vote each other’s singles up the charts and form a label together. They didn’t work out all the kinks; in one challenge, a male character is given the option to either slap or kiss a female character.
‘Nicki Minaj: The Empire’
This game had users build a rap empire by recording music and hosting parties. It was such a dud, it actually forced Glu Mobile to announce they were stepping away from the competitive celebrity lifestyle genre.
‘Hanx Writer’
Available only on the iPad, Tom Hanks released this virtual keyboard app that let users tap away on the virtual (and fictional) Hanx Prime Select typewriter.
Ellen’s ‘Heads Up’
There was a time when you could pay $.99 for an Ellen DeGeneres-branded digital copy of Heads Up!, that game where you put a card on your forehead and your friends give you hints as to what it says. Only this one includes Portia di Rossi as a card, the icon is just Ellen’s creepy eyes and the game records audio and video while you play.
‘Jeremy Renner: Official’
The Jeremy Renner app would autoplay a Jeremy Renner-sung cover of “House of the Rising Sun” when you opened it. While it was free to download, users were ranked by how many stars they’d collected, either by interacting with the app or by paying $1.99 per 200 stars. Which is a steal! It was swiftly overrun with trolls who used the app to directly bully Renner himself.
‘Official Kristin Cavallari App’
The reality “star” allowed fans to gobble up Cavallari-penned content for the low, low price of $2.99 a month. She published bangers like “Best Bathing Suit for Different Body Types” and “The Secrets of Bone Broth.”
‘Smize Yourself!’
Users could spend $1.99 for a digital lesson on smizing from Tyra Banks herself: don a “dead mouth,” then “squint your eyes, and bore your soul into your eyes, into that lens, and you snap that camera. There you go — that’s how you Smize!”
‘Shatoetry’
Users could select from a list of pre-recorded words to make William Shatner recite their poetry (as long as they want to write poetry using words like “Pocahontas” and “tastytiger”). Then you hit the “Shat That” button to make the magic come to life.