14 Sexual Health Tips from Celebrities Who Need to Invest in a Chastity Belt
May I interest you in an infrared douche, or a ball ironing?
Lady Gaga’s Odd Definition of ‘Safe Sex’
While she’s used her platform to promote responsible porking — “I have never not had safe sex, I have always asked a guy to be tested and to use protection, which was always my rule. Otherwise you’re playing Russian roulette” — she’s also got some weird ideas about what safe sex actually is: “If I sleep with someone, they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.”
Gwyneth Paltrow: Steam Clean Your Uterus
She commanded readers of Goop to try a procedure that doctors tend to agree is actually pretty bad for you: “A combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release — not just a steam douche — that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in L.A., you have to do it.”
Nick Kyrgios Said Celibacy Is Bad for Any Kind of Professional
The Australian tennis player says celibacy would throw him off whether he was a pro athlete or an office drone: “When you’re trying to perform at the highest level, you start missing someone like emotionally, physically and it becomes a sexual frustration. I’m on court and I can’t play because I’m a bit horny. … It doesn’t matter if you’re in an office job. If you’re not seeing your significant other, it affects you, your work, your mood, everything.”
George Clooney Tipped the Normies Off to Laser Scrotal Ironing
In 2013, Clooney said, “I never fixed my eyes, but I spent more money to stretch the skin of my testicles. I did not like the wrinkles. It’s a new technique, many people in Hollywood have done it. It’s called ‘ball ironing.’”
Ronda Rousey’s Doping Loophole
She said that her secret weapon is bonin’ up a storm before a fight: “I mean for girls it raises your testosterone, so I try to have as much sex as possible before a fight. Not with like everybody. I don’t put out Craigslist ads or anything, but you know, if I got a steady, I’m going to be like, ‘Yo. Fight time’s coming up.’”
Christina Aguilera Created a Lamer Version of ‘Taco Tuesday’
She explained to Ellen that she’s instituted “naked Sundays,” where she and her partner are naked for the whole day and complete all their daily tasks while nude. This includes cooking, which is a great way to scar and singe your most precious parts.
Ronaldo May Not Be a Very Enthusiastic Lover
The Portuguese soccer star said that he tuckers himself out more from crankin’ it than from sex: “Nobody can prove that sex affects performance on the field. Masturbation is more tiring.”
Ronaldinho: Practice Makes Perfect
The Brazilian soccer star told Playboy that “during my time at Barcelona, I often practiced sex before games. It was not a problem but a benefit, as it made me happier before I played on the field.” He invested in himself, launching a signature condom line in 2014.
Tom Cruise: There’s No Postpartum Depression a Few Push-ups Can’t Take Care Of
Got a case of the Mondays after your body created and expelled an entire human? Scientology says if you exercise enough and pop enough Flintstones vitamins, you’ll be right as rain. Cruise publicly shamed Brooke Shields for her use of antidepressants to treat her postpartum depression, and of course doubled down on his most baseless, vapid advice: “She doesn’t understand the history of psychiatry… Psychiatry is a pseudoscience.”
Mayim Bialik: Get With the Program, Eat Your Placenta
The child star, neuroscientist and font of medical misinformation has tried to frame placenta eating as a biological imperative: “Human beings are the only mammals that have chosen to not routinely ingest their placenta, which is consumed by every other mammal for its protein and iron-rich properties.” Studies have found that consuming the placenta is fine, but doesn’t markedly improve postpartum health — and a quick Google search has found that lots of mammals don’t eat the placenta.
Jessica Alba: One Corset Just Isn’t Enough
She had a simple strategy for getting back into dame shape after having a kid: pummeling her ribs. To prepare for the smash hit Sin City: A Dame to Kill For, she says “I wore a double corset day and night for three months. It was sweaty, but worth it.”
Tiffany Haddish: Drown Your Crotch in Baking Powder Once a Week
She offered the same advice to women and men: “Look, you gonna have to take a bath at least once a week. You gotta drown. Okay, you gots to drown it. And put, like, a half a box of baking soda in there, get the pH balance right. And, fellas, you gotta go ahead and put that hot dog in some hot water. Soak that thing, get some baking soda as well. You scratching? That’s yeast! Soak that dog.”
Robin Thicke Says One Orgasm Every 12 Minutes Is Ideal
When asked what he might be whispering to his then-wife, he replied, “‘I can’t wait to get you home and love you up for two to three hours.’ I like to try to get her into double-digit orgasms as much as possible.” He admits it doesn’t happen every time, but he can pull it off “when I’ve got my mojo and my swag.”
Paul Hunter: Snog During Snooker
The snooker great said he once used a mid-match doinking to rally from behind: “Sex was the last thing on my mind. I just wasn’t in the mood. But I had to do something to break the tension. She jumped in the bath, I had a kip and then played like a dream. I reeled off four centuries in six frames.” Dirty talk is not his strong suit.