Irritating punctuation enthusiast Yahoo! recently agreed to pay $1.1 billion for popular blogging site/My Little Pony porn host Tumblr. This was big news for a couple of reasons. First of all, Yahoo! is not only apparently still a thing, but also somehow has a billion dollars to throw around. Secondly, a lot of experts have been questioning whether the deal makes good financial sense. Which of course is ridiculous -- Tumblr has approximately 108 million blogs ... that's only about $10 a blog. And just look what they're getting ...
#6. The Same Picture of Dave Coulier Every Day
It's not an ironic title. Every day for the past year, this Tumblr has reposted the same picture of Full House star Dave Coulier. As you scroll through page after page of Uncle Joey, it goes from mildly amusing to annoying, until finally your mind cracks open and the truth begins to reveal itself. Who is Dave Coulier? What is the terrible darkness that lurks behind his eyes? In the deepest recesses of our soul, aren't we all Dave Coulier? Then you close your browser, turn from your computer, and realize that all of the faces in your life are now the same face.
And if Yahoo! can't find a way to monetize that, surely they'll get some ad dollars for ...
#5. Nicolas Cage's Face on Every Pokemon
In case you think this was just some stoned college kid's spur-of-the-moment ironic art project, you should know that they're 177 Cagemons into it. When they hit Day 98 and found themselves grinding through a painstaking rendering of Cage on the body of Clefairy, they probably thought about quitting. But they knew they couldn't let their fans, and Tumblr, down. They press on to this day, and Yahoo! saw it and said, "We'll pay $1 billion for this, if you throw in the rest of the Tumblrs too."
Also, if they ever decide to do a live action movie, we know exactly who we want to play Pikachu. And the good news is we're pretty sure he'd take the role.
#4. Thousands of Photos of Bruce Springsteen's Crotch
Whatever you can accuse Tumblr users of, those bastards stand up for truth in advertising. You click on this, you know exactly what you're getting. You have no one to blame but yourself.
Again, it's the dedication that's impressive here. You've got the whole range of Springsteen junk shots, from his early, more experimental work (think pin-striped Speedos) to his late-career revival as a tight-jeaned festival circuit regular. Ten bucks well spent, Yahoo!
#3. Michael Buble Being Stalked by a Velociraptor
Just as it says, this is a strangely engrossing series featuring popular Canadian crooner Michael Buble being silently watched by a smirking Velociraptor. The latest batch comes from a group of junior high kids who have apparently been making these as part of their schoolwork, proving that there are some areas where our students still outperform the Chinese. Have you bought your Yahoo! stock yet? Don't snooze on this, the other readers of this article are already on the phone with their brokers.
#2. Sexy Historical Figures
This is actually a whole genre of Tumblrs, and why not? Why else did historians carefully document and preserve history if not so that today Tumblr users can point out how much this dead guy looked like Joseph Gordon-Levitt? That's from the popular My Daguerreotype Boyfriend Tumblr, but if you're looking for something more thought-provoking, head over to Hotties from History and ponder the difficult moral questions raised by just how smoking hot Lincoln assassination plotter Lewis Powell was.
#1. Pictures of Tom Selleck and a Sandwich Near a Waterfall
Ask yourself: If Tumblr had never existed, how would Selleck Waterfall Sandwich have ever come about? This is quintessential Tumblr.
Want a shot of Native American Tom Selleck pouring a basket of sloppy joes over a waterfall? Well, here it is. Would you prefer an open-shirted Selleck treating a ham and cheese to a sexy saxophone solo? You should -- everyone who's looked at it so far has spontaneously sprouted a kickass mustache, even if they already had a mustache to begin with.
If we were in charge of Yahoo! and some shareholder dared ask us why we pulled the trigger on this acquisition, this is the card we'd slam down on the table. Centuries from now, the purchase of Selleck Waterfall Sandwich for a billion dollars will go down like the white man buying Manhattan for a beaded necklace.