Relationships are tough. But thanks to some new smartphone applications, couples can breathe easy knowing that every step of their relationship can be dictated by an impartial handheld electronic device, just like nature intended! Here's our recipe for building your very own love computer (that runs on mescaline).
#5. Meet Someone With a Blind-Dating App
Blind dates are those things that sitcom characters go on to generate awkward laughs from a studio audience. But now, thanks to OkCupid's new Crazy Blind Date app, you can trust an uncaring and faceless company to send you on an exploratory romantic encounter with a complete stranger.
Crazy: The foundation of every healthy relationship.
You pick a time and a place, and then the app will pair you up with someone close by, because proximity is clearly the most important factor in choosing a date. This is why people get married all the time in crowded bus terminals.
#4. Have an App Quantify Your Intimacy
So the blind date went well, and now it's time to take your mathematically chosen stranger home and intercourse the shit out of them. "But sex is so confusing!" you say. "I don't know how to quantify my performance and compare it to that of random people on the Internet!"
Luckily, there's an app for that, too. It's called Spreadsheets, a suitably brilliant pun for an equally brilliant program.
Ninety minutes? That's how you know this was Photoshopped.
The app boasts the ability to measure the thrusts, duration, and decibel levels of your passionate lovemaking sessions, then upload your results to Facebook and Twitter for all of your followers to marvel over.
Now Grandma Ginny can have definitive proof when she brags to her friends about your cocksmanship.
#3. Let an App Dictate All of Your Activities Together
Now that the quadratic equation has allowed you to share an orgasm with this person, the next step is to try to build a relationship around your common interests. Enter Kahnoodle, an app designed to tell you exactly what those interests are and save you both the trouble of ever having to speak to each other.
"*Pfbbbt* When did communication ever help a couple?"
It's simple -- each person ranks a series of romantic gestures by preference. When your partner performs those gestures, it fills up their "love tank," earning rewards like badges, points, and special favors that range from a nice picnic to a gritty sex tape. Kahnoodle keeps the relationship interesting by adding a fun exchange mentality normally reserved for a hostage crisis.
#2. Propose (With an App)
All right, it's been 11 days since that cellphone-chaperoned first date -- time to get married! But how? A proposal is (hopefully) a once-in-a-lifetime thing, so above all else, it should be personal.
Thankfully, Your Marriage Proposal Pal is right there on your phone to help you create the perfect proposal. All you have to do is enter in some basic details about your partner and the app will do the rest. And truly, there is no more personal way to express your undying love to your prospective mate than condensing their personality into a brief questionnaire for a soulless algorithm to categorically determine how to optimize their reaction. Otherwise you'd have to put some serious thought into it, and nobody wants to overthink a lifelong commitment.
"SIX questions!?! Fuck this, I'll just Jumbotron it."
#1. Find an Emotionally Vulnerable New Hookup With a Rebound App
OK, so the proposal didn't work, or you got divorced or annulled or whatever (pick one). No need to sit around trying to figure out what went wrong, or what changes you may need to consider making as a person -- On the Rebound will ensure that you get right back up on that dating horse with a partner who is in a way more exploitable place than you are.
You just chum any one of your Facebook friends through the app, which will sort through their relationship history and emotional well-being based on the content of their posts and come back with a complete report on whether or not you should try to have sex with them.
That is a literal Stalk-O-Meter.
On the Rebound's creators have heroically shot down allegations of sexism by insisting that their app is equally derogatory to both genders, and we admire their progressive outlook, as everyone has the right to inflict terrible psychological harm on each other at the behest of an unfeeling piece of software. And hey, if all those innocent bystanders you call your friends are too well-adjusted for your wild-eyed bullshit, you can always start the cycle of Skynet-approved courtship anew with another Crazy Blind Date. Amour!