I haven’t really delved too much into the Twilight bashing that’s swept the Internet lately. Part of this is my wariness of nerd-on-nerd violence in general, but perhaps more importantly, I also had no interest in learning anything at all about Twilight. In fact, aside from the barely-legal variety, I don’t really have an interest in teenagers either. However when news broke last week of a possible Twilight Massively Multiplayer Game being created, my interest was finally piqued. The idea of a community combining MMO players (sweaty, pale, pathetic) with Twilight fans (pale, pathetic) was too much to pass up. “What a great way to offend millions of people.” I said, right before penning this article, which if I got everything right, will offend millions of people. Probably you, in fact. So, you know, heads up.
From a gaming perspective, lot’s of questions are raised by the prospect of a Twilight MMO. Will the game be a conventional World of Warcraft MMORPG, with it’s dungeons, monsters and equipment hoarding masses, except now set in the fearsome and epic landscape of western Washington? Or would it be a sort of electronic brothel, with vampires exchanging come-hither looks with werewolves and owls fucking leprechauns, all set in the erotic and sensual landscape of western Washington? What would a “25 man raid” entail exactly?
To find out how a MMO like this would go down with the Twilight community, I decided to ask around in a popular Twilight forum. For the sake of your eyes, I didn’t take screenshots of my experiences there. For some reason Twilight fans use forums like their chatrooms and, as every single person had a 300-pixel tall signature, all of which look like this:
… it would have made this article 65 pages long, broken your monitors and collapsed the Internet into a really stupid singularity. You’re welcome. The transcript of my attempts to gather feedback are below. This was all copied verbatim, with the exception of the smileys. If it helps, imagine there’s about six-billion of these: 
scattered throughout.
_____________
Robotman!!: Hi everyone.
LoveHamster: -enters and bows-
Tollum: Hi Hamster!
AnonAmoxy: HAY Hamster!
Bella3278: -lifts her leg up and wraps it around Gavin’s thigh-
Bella3278: hi hamster
GavinOwnsABoat: -kisses Della passonately, stroking her soft neck with his long fingers-
GavinOwnsABoat: hamster
Robotman!!: Hye guys, I’m writer for a “popular” “website” and I’m trying to get some feedback on what the Twilight community thinks about this new Twilight MMO game that will be coming out. Is this the kind of game you’d play? What would you want or not want to see in a game like this?
LoveHamster: -wiggles his ears-
RP4EVA: OMGHILARIOUS
Tollum: Lol
Robotman!!: What
Bella3278: - nips at Gavin’s tongue lightly with her teeth-
ChauncyDragon - Hawt!
Robotman!!: Seriously, what?
GavinOwnsABoat: _kisses-
RP4EVA: -kiss Gavin-
Tollum: -dances around haiiply-
Robotman!!: Jesus Christ. Have you guys been snorting ramen seasoning?
Bella3278: -tgs at her hair impatiently-
SweetBologna: sdkjlgsyukdvk,ssa OMG
GavinOwnsABoat: Sorry
GavinOwnsABoat: -grabs bella by the arm and throws her on the bed-
AnonAmoxy: -orgasm-
Robotman!!: WHAT THE APE SHIT ICE CREAM BALLS IS GOING ON HERE?
Bella3278: ooooooooh
LoveHamster: La la la!
Robotman!!: STOP IGNORING ME YOU ASS SANDWICH MURDER FIENDS!
_______________
At that point I got a private message from GavinOwnsABoat announcing I had been kicked off the forum, and IP-banned. Standing up from my computer, I left my office and walked into the hall. Seconds later, Gladstone came flying out of his office, his eyes damp. He grabbed me by my huge, fashionable lapels and shook me.
“Can you fix my computer? I just got kicked off a forum for no reason!” A terrible sound violated the air, seemingly coming from all directions. It took a few moments before I understood it was Gladstone, vibrating at an incredible speed. I frowned. So they had IP-banned the whole office network. This would be tricky. I walked down the hall to Cracked Editor Jack O’Brien’s office and stuck my head in.
“Hey Jack, can I borrow your iPhone for a bit?”
“Absolutely not,” he replied, leaping to his feet with his hands balled into fists, years of experience working with comedy writers having honed his instincts for violence and treachery.
“OK, no problem,” I said. Leaving Jack unmolested and deeply confused, I turned and wandered the halls until I found Dan O’Brien. “Hey Dan, can I ask you a favor?”
“Here’s Jack’s iPhone,” he said, handing me Jack’s iPhone.
“How did you know I was going to ask you to steal this?” I asked. DOB stared at me blankly, the concept of needing a reason to steal unfamiliar to him. Grateful at this serendipity, I decided to pretend not to notice as DOB undid the clasp on my watch. I didn’t mind parting with it: It was fairly inexpensive. But the clasp stymied his fat Irish fingers, and it took rather longer than I’d hoped. I bit my lip and pretended to be interested in the motivational poster management had installed recently.
Finally DOB freed the watch from my wrist. I returned to my office with the iPhone and jumped back into the forum. Armed with the knowledge I’d earned from my last foray, I decided to change tact and try to blend in a little more this time.
______________
BucholzMuffins: LOL E3ward is hawt! >;0
Tollum: I no RIGHT?
BucholzMuffins: S0 h3wt. -crosses his legs sassily-
LoveHamster: Hello Muffins!
BucholzMuffins: HIHAMSTER!
AnonAmoxy: -lies on the couch eating berries-
LoveHamster: LOL!
BucholzMuffins: OMGLOL
Tollum: -reads a book-
BucholzMuffins: B3lla is beautiful, like a leopard.
Tollum: -nods-
BucholzMuffins: Like a sexy girl leopard with tiny breasts.
Tollum: -wants to kiss-
BucholzMuffins: me to friend.
BucholzMuffins: But first what do you think about that new Twilight MMO?
Tollum: ???
LoveHamster: LOL
AnonAmoxy: whuts MMO?
BucholzMuffins: Massively Multiplayer Online Game.
Tollum: no g?
LoveHamster: no G!
Tollum: la la la
BucholzMuffins: Hold your shit together fellas, we were finally getting somewhere. It’s just MMO. I don’t know where the G went. Let’s say those fucking werewolves took it.
Tollum: LOL Werewolves are good somtimes!
BucholzMuffins: LoL I KNOW all about werewolves Turbo. But there will be no hyphen kisses hyphen if you don’t tell me what you think of this MMO. I know you’re holding out on me, now spill it.
LoveHamster: Do you actually like Twilight or r u just here for MOO?
BucholzMuffins: Hamster, your mom’s your sister and your dad was an overly friendly dog. Also, nobody actually likes Twilight.
LoveHamster: WAIIIIIIILS
AnonAmoxy: -comforts Hamster with berries and massages-
Tollum: -Angry Face.-
BucholzMuffins: You should see my face right now dude. I will angryface you right in the fucking ass. I am so pissed off I don’t even care what that implies.
___________
At which point I was IP-banned again. I threw Jack’s iPhone down on to the floor in disgust. A few seconds later Jack came into my office. “Chris, I was just talking to IT, and…” He saw his iPhone on the floor and snatched it up. He looked at me accusingly.
I silently mouthed the letters “D….O….B” and twirled my finger beside my head in the universal sign for “crazy.” Jack nodded. I then made the universal gesture for “fat Irish fingers.” Jack nodded again, although he was probably just humoring me that time.
“Look,” he said. “I just had to talk Gladstone off the ledge again. And then I just talked to IT. Apparently you’re getting our network banned from forums now?”
I explained to Jack that I was working on a super important Twilight MMO story, and that inconveniencing Gladstone was merely an unintended bonus. “Jack, according to statistics, Twilight fans make up 85 percent of our readership, which means this story will be huge for us if I can land it.”
Jack shook his head, confused. “What statistics?”
“Statistics Jack. It’s a word you say right before numbers. It means ‘this is a fact.’”
“That’s not what…”
“Remember who you’re talking to Jack. I’m the only one in this office who had a three week complimentary subscription to Newsweek back in college. I’ve forgotten more about reporting than I’ve ever learned.” I stood up, picked up my phone and slammed it back down in the cradle. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be at the public library.”
______________
On the way to the public library, I stopped at home to put on my Twilight-iest clothes.
At the library, I waited two hours in a lineup of homeless guys for my chance to use the public PC. Eventually I logged back in to the forum with my new alias, ShesGotBettyDavisThighs. I summoned everything I knew about the world of erotica, then dove in.
__________
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: -enters, dances like sexy lady wolf-
GavinOwnsABoat: -claps-
LoveHamster: HI BETTY!
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: lol, just rote of hot new Twilight stry. WANNA HERE?
AnonAmoxy: OMFGY
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Edward is lieing in bed with Vera, the beautiful woman from country club. They have had sex and it was beautiful, like hot chicken sandwich on picnic day
RP4EVA: YAY
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Suddenly a car can be heard in the driveway. Vera says “Oh No.” Edward dashes out of bed with sheet rapped aroudn him. His butt is visible and awesome. He looks out window. It is Prescott, important business werewolf and also his uncle.
AnonAmoxy: OMFG
AnonAmoxy: WHAT HAPPENS NEXT
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Edward says scared: “Is that your husband?” Vera nods, thinking about chicken sandwich sex with Edward. Edward continues, “But that’s also my uncle! Which makes you my aunt!” Vera laughs. They are not blood relatives so it is ok with her. She continues to look at him with chicken sandwich sex in her eyes.
Tollum: I don’t think chicken sandiwhhchs are sexy???
LoveHamster: shutup they r
SweetBologna: I am thinking about chicken sandwich right now.
GavinOwnsABoat: uhhhhhhhh
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Edward puts clothes on in a hurry. “Aunt Vera, you mustn’t tell my uncle about this. For fucking reasons, but also because I am trying to take over his company from the shitty job he gave me in the mailroom.”
GavinOwnsABoat: Hang on.
Bella3278: Edward doesn’t have a job! What canon r u using?
GavinOwnsABoat: Your also stealing this exactly from that 80’s Michael J. Fox movie.
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: FUCK YOU
GavinOwnsABoat: no, you are. that’s a scene from The Secret to My Success.
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: You know what I think? I think YOU DON’T REALLY LIKE TWILIGHT!!!!
GavinOwnsABoat: What?
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: If you really liked Twilight you’d like this. Go away Harry Potter fan!
LoveHamster: OMG1 Get outu of heer HARRY POOPER LOVER!
GavinOwnsABoat: BOGGLE. I’m a bigger Twilight fan than you are!
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Oh yeah? Then what’s Jacob’s favorite sexual positon?
GavinOwnsABoat: What?
LoveHamster: HE DOESN’T KNOIW!!!!
GavinOwnsABoat: He never says.
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Its “alone, in the bathtub” looser
GavinOwnsABoat: That wasn’t in the books!
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Read between the lines LOSER.
Tollum: Go away Gavin. U R NO LONGER WELCOME HER.
GavinOwnsABoat: Screw u guys.
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Ok, now that that DumbleDummy is gone, I need you guys to do me a favoir.
LoveHamster: -hugs Betty-
AnonAmoxy: Anything1
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: If I told you that there was a video game that let you talk to vampires and werewolves and kiss them and pick bugs from their fur and kill normal people and screw like god damned animals, would you play that?
SweetBologna: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RP4EVA: OMFGHEGJJJYS. yes.
Tollum: HOW DO I PLAY THIS GANME PLEESE HELP ME
AnonAmoxy: definitely -twirls in a happy circle-
LoveHamster: I just came in my pants.
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: HOLY ZOMBIE JESUS, WAS THAT SO DIFFICULT?
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: By which I mean, “Thank you.”
___________________
So there you have it. Later some jerk pointed out to me that the announced game was little more than a student project and was thus decidedly unofficial and unlikely to ever see the light of day. However, if the students in question, or someone with the power to actually make such a game is reading, let me offer the following cautionary words:
No matter what sort of game you create, your users will do nothing with it but rub vampires against one another. You could have incredibly elaborate raids, warehouses full of exotic equipment and deep, balanced gameplay and users will do nothing but rub vampires against one another. You could replace the entire user interface with two buttons that say Grind crotch and OMG and no one would notice. You could map every key on the keyboard to the exclamation mark, and map the exclamation mark to “1″ and again, no one would notice. No matter what your intentions might actually be, if you pursue this game you will inevitably make the biggest affront to God since mankind built that huge penis shaped tower to fuck Heaven. Please. Don’t.
___
This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 4th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Twilight. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 19th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
/cheer
November 17th, 2009 at 12:52 am
holy jesus FUCK, i have not laughed so hard in my entire life, it hurts
November 16th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Damned Twitards. e_e
November 14th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
HHAHAHHAHAHAAHA!!!
“On the way to the public library, I stopped at home to put on my Twilight-iest clothes”
Best outfit ever!!!
Damn Im crackin’ up on that one…
November 8th, 2009 at 7:27 am
simply genius. Completely correct, I commend you for you work!
The smart people of the world who HATE twilight, know that what you did was courageous, and not many a man would do!
Going undercover, behind the scenes, and really getting your hands (and mind) dirty.
Way to be a reporter!
In true MMO esque fashion, I commend you with:
- +1 Exp Point(s)!
October 28th, 2009 at 10:09 am
I liked the Twilight books, I went on the internet and found out how many flaws they all have, but they’re still an entertaining read. I love this post though! I WANT TO VISIT THAT FORUM.
October 21st, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Hehe Rub Vampires Against One another.
THats.
Funny.
And HORRIBLE.
October 19th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
i absolutely love twilight it is the best book i ever read what is your favorite charachter mine is alice and not just because we have the same name
October 14th, 2009 at 9:38 am
I don’t get your humor, it’s very crass. ROBERT WE LOVE YOU OMG! OMG! OMG! Twilight part 6 THE MOVIE?!?!…HOLY F@$K!!!!
October 8th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
My sister’s one of those twilight fags..
October 8th, 2009 at 1:27 am
Oh my gosh I laughed so much at this… brilliant.
October 6th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
You’re column has TRULY made my day! I laughed until I cried. x
Thank you for making my day.
October 6th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I laughed so hard i cried and i want to know what this forum is. Those people are just straight creepy.
October 5th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
after reading this i tried snorting ramen seasoning and my cybersex life has never been better.
October 1st, 2009 at 11:41 am
If this team consists of Twilight fans, peace be with them in the coming years if they actually do pull it off.
However, if they actually despise Twilight, then I know exactly why they’re making this a “pet project.” They know that anything that has to do with Twilight will SELL to those who rave on about Twilight and how “great” it is.
I’ve been to a library that had contests for posters that you could get for frickin’ five dollars at the local toy store. Within three days, the damn posters were actually stolen. Five buck posters getting stolen? That says a lot about the demand in regards to the rabid fans.
And considering the fact that all a game needs is good programming, and an intriguing cover that costs about two bucks to manufacture, the supply could easily be met.
I would give props to that game designer guy who started the pet project, but ONLY if he’s actually doing it to make a billion dollars.
Either way, I can tell that this game will plummet and hit the shitter faster than you could take one yourself.
September 29th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
wow that was too fucking hilarious. i love you.
September 28th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Oh, and HOLY ZOMBIE JESUS may become a part of my regular vocabulary. Hilarious!
September 28th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
This article made my day. Seriously. Although I am, or was for a while, a huge fan of the series, it is really easy to make fun of. Which this article did with STYLE.
People like the ones on that forum kinda piss me off. Not only do they make complete asses of themselves, they give the rest of the world the impression that all Twilight fans are screaming hordes of 13-year-old girls with no handle on proper usage of the English language. Or any language other than Screaming-Horde-Of-Girls language. Gah!
However, it is amusing to read through. So, well done Chris for braving the dreaded Forum of Squeals and Sparkles and successfully finding the key to actually getting the information you wanted. Kudos.
September 27th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
CB, I’m sparkling so hard right now.
September 27th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Huge twilight fan here but I thought that was hilarious! I’m not so enamored by the twilight “phenomenon” that I get pissed when others make fun of it. I actually enjoy it quite a bit
September 24th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
That was hilarious and probably the best article I’ve ever read.
September 14th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
That was fucking brilliant
I applaud you for the research that you did and how you laid it out like it is meant to be
Good show. Good show
September 14th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
i call massive troll, good troll though, i liek, funny as balls
September 12th, 2009 at 4:56 am
No. The Twilight Saga is just one fat woman’s wet dreams come to life. Why else would she make vampires fucking SPARKLE in the sun?
…and have Cullen rip open Bella’s uterus to get a baby.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
I wouldn’t care if it turned that those forum conversations were made up, still the funniest shit I’ve read in the last 15 minutes.
September 7th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Funniest shit I’ve ever read on this site haha.
September 6th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
That was amazing.
September 6th, 2009 at 5:02 am
Chris, that was fucking awsome. Thank you.
September 3rd, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Hahahahaha oh my fereaking GOD. This is the best article i’ve read so far hahaha just GREAT! I mean.. so damn funny haha!
AMAZING job =)
September 3rd, 2009 at 6:28 am
MMMMM<3 RAMEN SEASONING IS SO GOOD.
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:38 am
Gremistagrl… you think Anne Rice’s work counts as classics? REALLY?
September 1st, 2009 at 11:58 am
hahaha, fantastic article.
It also made me a little sad, only because about 8 years ago, I was on these same chat rooms, typing nearly the same bs… (though not with as many LOL!s and smiley faces)
And nice touch with denouncing Gavin as a Harry Potter lover
**(sidenote: isn’t it funny how all these self-proclaimed “vampire experts” seem to think Twilight is the holy bible of what vampires act like? Forget the classics of Bram Stoker and Anne Rice…
and another ps: who really cares how they do or don’t act? I may be wrong… but aren’t vampires considered “mythical creatures”?)**
August 31st, 2009 at 11:05 pm
I think I was laughing the hardest at the points with all the forum conversation- but yes I have to fully agree with Kai on everything they said; There was no meaning behind Twilight- it is merely a work of an author who clearly had no free time but to write novels about vampires that don’t drink from humans and don’t die when they go in the sun. There is nothing good about the books and why they became such a hit is beyond my personal comprehension.
Read something worthwhile if you want to read something GOOD.
August 31st, 2009 at 8:17 am
“the erotic and sensual landscape of western Washington”?
Oh god, I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life.
I live in Washington, and I’ve been to Forks, and dear god is it BORING. But erotic and sensual, apparently.
Darkangel, I’ve read Twilight, and the sequels, and they were stupid, and poorly written. Vampires don’t bite people and drink blood? Gee, I guess all the pre-Twilight vampire stories must have been wrong, because Stephanie Meyer knows EVERYTHING about vampires. It’s great to see her take all the vampire myths and flush them down the toilet. She really did her research.
And the “real meaning” behind Twilight? There IS no real meaning behind it. It’s just the fantasy drivel of a bored woman. You want meaning? Try reading a real work of literature.
August 28th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
darkangel614, this article was not FOR you it was ABOUT you.
Loser.
August 28th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
This made my day, ooooh god.
Twilight is the LAST thing I want to see a MMO of.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:35 am
and im not saying you have to like twilight im saying understand the meaning of it and you might see something diffrent than what you think it is. and in a way yes the mmo is a bad idea but some people WILL actually take it seriosly so its also a good idea. (sorry for the crap spelling)
August 28th, 2009 at 3:24 am
i love twilight but people should stop bashing until they know the actual story behind it because thats the exciting part not the werewolves and vampires and all that stuff. oh and by the way what ever dumass wrote that vampires bite people and drink their blood if they are ok with it not all vampires do that. so maybe you should read up a bit more before trying to say a fact. and it is fake yes but the story behind it the real meaning to it is actually amazingly real and completly true. i think you idiots should read the books first and then tell me what you think. if you understand the meaning that is.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
chicken sandwich sex and
I will angryface you right in the fucking ass. I am so pissed off I don’t even care what that implies.
FTW HAHAHA thnx for making me look like a fucking lunatic at starbucks. lmao
August 26th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
OMG. I died laughing reading this. HILARIOUS! I am a fan of Twilight, but reading some of the conversations you were having in these chatrooms were awesome. I can’t believe you had to stoop that low to get such an easy answer…Amazing.
August 26th, 2009 at 6:35 am
OMG!!!!! This was SOOOOOOOOOO funny!!!! I was bored while waiting for class so I browsed some on cracked and found this and I gotta say…. I probably looked like a retard while reading this because I was laughing so hard!!!!!! People walking by were giving me strange looks lol
Thank you!
August 26th, 2009 at 12:50 am
This article was awesome! And my favorite one so far! Keep up the good work!
August 25th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
NavalFluff,
Actually, the books do solve all of life’s problems, until reality crushes the world where love came so easily, where the man was perfect and safe (and seemingly dangerous, which is pretty redundant with perfect). It’s the same as when I finished Harry Potter and realized I couldn’t actually cast ‘reparo’ on the broken vodka bottle, much less on my life. I was only able to absorb and save an ounce or so from what was almost a half bottle. Seriously, they need to invent magic soon or something.
August 25th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Man this was funny, especially the ending to the first chat. This was made even more humurous by my burning hatred of the entire Twilight series. People need to get the fuck over these books, they’re just stories written by some person. Fans act like these books are the answer to all life’s problems.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
THERE IS A GOD! nO TWILIGHT GAME! THE WORLD CAN BREATHE EASY FOR SEVERAL MORE YEARS UNTIL SOME CRAZY-ASS GAME DESIGNER THINKS TWILIGHT WOULD BE A GOOD GAME FRANCHISE. Until that day, however, we party!
August 25th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Hahahaha, thanks for this article, it made my day.
August 25th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Worst part is only a small percent of them are pre-pubescant girls with fantasy crushes on some horny ass vampire with a werewolf dick.
August 25th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Wait, whatever happened to just using a proxy bypasser to get back to the forum?
August 25th, 2009 at 9:32 am
God.. I can see it now.. Bunch of 35 year old women reliving a fantasy. The internet slang of “No wimminz on the introwebz” will change with this MMO-to “No menz on the introwebz.”
August 24th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
[...] Thankfully, my insatiable hate for Twilight (and my utter abhorrence for the author) was quenched by a wonderful article written by Chris Bucholz, Why the Rumored ‘Twilight’ MMO Must Be Stopped. [...]
August 24th, 2009 at 7:07 am
Haha, I’m in love with the Harry Potter claim.
You’re so right, and sadly I don’t doubt that is more or less exactly what the Scary-Twilight-Delusioned-Fan-Girls said . . . :L
August 23rd, 2009 at 10:59 pm
EPIC
August 23rd, 2009 at 5:01 pm
GTFO! That whole transcript is real? I mean seriously? Between this and some twihard girl throwing acid on someone for daring to like have an opinion and not like Twilight, I am scared for the future.
August 21st, 2009 at 10:34 am
i just sort of died twice from reading that: first because i was laughing so hard, and second because twilight people make me want to die. is that seriously real????
August 20th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
That was really funny. It really shows how retarded those Twilight Forum goers(spelling?) are. When you revealed that you are not the innocent twelve your old who loves Twilight they IP ban you. These people are honestly Fascists. This is the worst video game idea I have heard in a very long time.
August 19th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
You fucked a werewolf: +250 xp!!!
August 19th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
You are bloody hilarious.
August 18th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
“like hot chicken sandwhich on picnic day”
I do have to give props to the twitard who called him out on the Michael J. Fox reference. Probably some other humor columnist who was there to troll them too.
August 18th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
too fucking funny. I had an asthma attack. I don’t have asthma. funny.
You know, i once stop believing in God. It was pointless things like twilight and every place having a ‘chipotle’ sauce option, that made me question the validity of the phrase ‘everything happens for a reason.’ I think that this is the reason for twilight. I’m a saved man, thank you.
August 18th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
You know what is a really bad idea, laughing really loudly in a public place while reading something on the internet. It causes people to look at you funny, and over zeolous security guards to draw firearms.
And for that reason, I am afraid I must blame you for my now more holy apperance after reading what will go down in history, as the funiest god dam article of all time.
August 17th, 2009 at 11:19 am
I think that if there was a Twilight MMO, I would feel the need to rip out every single one that played its throat. I would then skin them alive, and just before they bleed to death shout in their ears, WORLD OF WARCRAFT 13ITCH! Maybe in the afterlife they could play it and see their wrongs. Maybe. They also, of course, might make a blood elf paladin named EdwardCullenHot in which case I will hunt them down and murder them. Again.
August 16th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
I kind of want to make that game now. I want to see if we can piss God off enough that he’ll just burn the world clean and start over.
Hey people, you should go to last.fm/artist/Joe+Cotten and listen to the music! That has nothing to do with this article.
August 16th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
After reading all of this, I’ve only 1 thing to say:
OMGHILARIOUS1
Actually, I’d like to play the Twilight MMO, just for the fun of trying to get a mob to wipe an entire group/raid/orgy a la Leeroy Jenkins! Also, to get the “Sword of the Thousand (vampire) Fucks”
August 16th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Wow. I can’t remember the last time I laughed that hard. I couldn’t breath for a sec there.
August 15th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Jesus christ. We need to find these people and start the killing. THEY are going to be the ones pumping out little shitty kids named Bella and Edward, who will grow up to be as shitty, if not shittier, than their shit parents, and the chain will continue! Please, for the love of penis shaped towers, round up an angry mob and take these people down at the end of a pitch fork.
August 15th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Btw… great friggin article. I ROFLMFAOL0L@U’d
August 15th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Do you really think that anyone is reading your (or my) comment this far down? …what if someone is? All I know of Twilight is the spoofs / “coverage” cracked columnists provided about the movie…so yay cracked.
Hmm…I could’ve sworn I was more intelligent than what I just typed… “Yay Cracked”? What’s going on? Am I, by posting in the comment section, doomed to suffer an automatic double digit drop in IQ while posting? And what if it’s persistent…. must…….stop…..typing!
August 15th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
J.D. Salinger announces new teen angst MMO based off of “Catcher in The Rye”
That’s right bitches-he/she/it has been studying Computer codes in all these years of seclusion-and it’s gonna Pop!
News available on ain’t it bale news dot com.
Here’s a hint-Christian bale has agreed to do voiceovers for this new MMORPG.
It’s true.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:28 am
When I read about Twilight when I was 12, it struck me as a good book. And then I picked up a copy. I continued reading it. It was addictive. When I got the second book, however, that all went crashing down on my bloodied carcass.
Which is why I’m horrified by this most-likely-to-be-made-by-some-two-bit-Twiwhore MMO. I’m already covered by Twilight fans at school and holy SHIT that is so annoying.
If this thing is made, the Twilight craze will NEVER go down and all of the original geeks and nerds will be scraped off the net. Good bye internet. I have loved you so.
August 14th, 2009 at 1:58 am
my former english teacher forced us to watch it… (sob)… AND she had a test over it..(sob)… Which i failed cuz halfway through the movie i jammed pencils in my eyes…(SOB, SOB)… I JUST COULD’T TAKE ALL OF THE TEEN ANGST!
August 13th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Im crying my balls off from all the laughter. Thumbs ALL THE WAY UP THERE! Good one.
August 13th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Thank you. So much. For writing this article.
You really made my day
August 13th, 2009 at 10:37 am
This article was great!
The fake twilight story had me literally laughing out loud, which is slightly awkward, considering Im at work. Great Read!
August 13th, 2009 at 5:44 am
Wow…yet, I can’t say I’m surprised at the immaturity of these Twilight fans.
August 13th, 2009 at 5:05 am
Ok first of all I laughed so hard reading this I nearly lost my job and second of all they sound like a bunch of squirrels or bush babies. What a bunch of retards. Conjures up images of double glazed thick rimmed glasses dirty dribbled on shirts and LOTS OF FAT. Just rolling around on a keyboard. Yuck, But hey, I dont judge. Just saying. Epic fail darwin oscar award nominee.
August 13th, 2009 at 1:43 am
Oh christ, why?!
Twilighters are horrifying.
August 12th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
What a bunch of loosers rubbing their imaginary vampire butts at each other,thank god I have never seen that movie,It would be damn funny to go there and start making stories with plots that already appear in the movies
Edward started to choke Bella with hate like sexual monkey fuck hate
-Dont choke me Edward
and then the latino guy from twilight appears and says -thats enough!!!
“Lightsaber turn on”Edward does a backflip
August 12th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
LOL! I laughed so hard that I actaully peed a little xD TMI?
August 12th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
What site is that forum on?! I wanna troll the shit out of their cybersex rampage
August 12th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
LOL I loved how you tricked them against each other, thanks a lot XDD
August 12th, 2009 at 11:42 am
All twilight fans need tobe introduced to Cthulhu!
IA!IA!CTHULHU FTAGHN!
August 12th, 2009 at 2:51 am
Oh, and if you have a link to the forums (if its real), mind posting it? My trolling senses are tingling….
August 12th, 2009 at 2:44 am
Um…this isn’t real right? Right? I mean, even by Twiwhore standards, those have to be the most unbearably demented group of retards ever allowed to use a keyboard…its almost frightening. *starts shivering in terror*
August 11th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Dear god, did that conversation on the forum actually take place like that?
August 11th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
frankly i find Twilight to be sad not sad like boo hoo but sad like pathetic i mean just think about it its a grown woman living out her dreams through a book plus how can she think of teenagers that way it is just kind of sick and frankly i wouldnt be surprized if they found misconduct with a minor in her back ground one word PETIFILE
August 11th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
I hope this never sees the light of day. Twilight and it’s rabid fanbase are like a King Midas of fail.
August 11th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
From reading what those people said on the the twilight and forums and judging their sanity on a scale to be Bat shit crazy I must warn you. If any of those crazy shits find this article for the love of god hide
August 11th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
HAHA. I hate being fourteen. I thought I hated being thirteen… Fourteen means that you are obsessed with every single retarded craze there is. Twilight is a crappy book, and I hate Edward. He’s a creepy stalker, who lusts after underaged girls. And Bella has no personality…
Even if the MMO is not official, there will be one. Someone will make one. Just wait.
August 11th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
This article was awesome, Favourite line was the Angry face one.
Just wanted to say to Maggie that Vampire the Masquarade bloodlines is an awesome game, please don’t link it to twilight in anyway. The twilight fans might notice and associate themselves with the game.
August 11th, 2009 at 11:32 am
LMAO great!! i sooooo want to mess with fan girls/guys LOLZ
August 11th, 2009 at 8:40 am
Okay, now I REALLY want to imitate this. You need to do some “Retarded Chat Rooms” article just of you messing with fangirls/boys in a quest to get kicked off of every chat room ever…
Hang on, that could make a decent nonfiction book…
August 11th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Awesome article! I can’t even imagine how that retard felt when he was kicked out of his own community! XD
August 11th, 2009 at 5:49 am
” What would a “25 man raid” entail exactly?”
HAHAHA
August 11th, 2009 at 5:11 am
Fantastic article, thanks.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Read the books; they went from good to worse.
Watched the movie; it kind of sucked.
Read up on up-coming movies; No thank you.
But thank you SOOO much for writting this. My sister sent me the link, and I swear THOSE are the kind of people who buy the Edward action figures and do things with them that I can’t explain because I’d throw up just thinking about it…anyways.
Your writting is awesome, and I laughed so much at the retarded people from that forum…chatroom…well, let’s just call it “the failboat”, since, you know, it is.
Thanks! Write more of these!
August 10th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Mwahahaha. My favorite line had to be the one about the hamster’s parentage. It’s frightening, though, that today’s youth appears to have mush for brains..
August 10th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
from a cracked viewer in the certain community that this article delves upon (14 year olds) and i have to say its getting really bad. me and my friends did an experiment on my bus where i would just mutter the words “twilight” and the closest spastic 14 year old girl world spew out random words that would only make sense on one of the twilight forums she probably goes to every night on her poor computer she branded with photos of bella and that other personality lacking prick having softcore sex with the words bellaxedward labeled at the bottom. what im trying to get at here is that this must be stopped in general. Im tired of hearing about the new twilight fanfiction on deviantart or some other website of that manner. bottom line: please stop this immediately!……. by the way, this was a really good article. keep it up.
August 10th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
I printed out that Prince picture and put it up in my cubicle at work, classic
August 10th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
that was the funniest thing i have ever read. i think i need to lie down
-lies down sexily on bed while eating berries-
August 10th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
After vomiting furiously upon finishing this article, I stopped and thought to myself, ‘Ah damnit, such a game already exists! It’s called Second Life and the whole vampire-humping-vampire-humping-oh gods look away!’ takes place on a regular basis there. Yep. They’re also got some sort of bloodlines (vampire rpg ..thing) game installed. But no one really cares about that.
August 10th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
This was so damn awesome. I was in stitches
August 10th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Great article dude
August 10th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
I truly hope all those exerpts are real and you got that bloke kicked from the forum, that would be so damned hilarious.
August 10th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Love this! Thank you!
August 10th, 2009 at 4:43 am
The Twilight fanbase contains some of the most dangerously unstable people I have ever met. Even disregarding the Internet’s role as ’strangeness-amplifier’, the militant Twi-hards are quite terrifying. I have recently dyed my hair blonde and I don’t get out much (ergo pasty-skinned nebbish), but when I caught a train to London I was descended on by a screaming morass of pre-teens bellowing their Lilliputian forms hoarse about how I was apparently their beloved Edward.
On the subject of a Twilight-based videogame, therefore, I must respectfully disagree. If a Twilight MMO were released, then the mental fans (whom we all despise) would play it constantly. And that’s a good thing! If they’re constantly playing it, then they won’t be able to commit the psychopathic acts on non-Twitards that they are so famed for. Good thing, no?
August 9th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
XDDDDD THANK GOD FOR YOU!!!! you truly captured the truth behind twilight and it’s fans. i shall admit i am a former twilight fan, before edward became a sex icon and overly sexual horny teens discovered it and made twilight their idol, which they worship on a daily basis. i shudder everytime i enter a store, namely booksamillion, for the avalanche of twilight merchandise threatens to suffocate those who enter.
twilight is quite possibly the worst thing man kind has ever encountered.
and a MMO would be a disgrace to the entire race and give twilight even a tighter grip upon the world.
it must not happen.
for the sake of mankinds future
IT CANNOT BE
August 9th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Ah! Made me laugh so very hard.
August 9th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
I like Twilight. I don’t go to forums and dedicate all of my free time to it but I do enjoy the Twilight series. I just wish it wasn’t geared towards teenagers. Come on, if it had more of an adult theme you know all those nerdy haters would be gushing over it.
Just my two pennies.
August 9th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
The force is strong with this one. You should try joining an Anti-Twilight forum, then talking crap about Twilight lovers. I got banned from a forum doing that…. Banned from an ANTI TWILIGHT forum for hating on Twilight.
Enough of Twi-tards and their jackasery!!! Every time i hear something about twilight, my heart goes up a terror alert level. they MUST be stopped.
by any means necessary.
August 9th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Puffins.
August 9th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Epic, epic tale. You’re hilarious–keep writing!
August 9th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
O__O there’s a Twilight MMO? Tell that this is a joke. There is no way that Twilight has a MMO. That’s just, just (for lack of a better word) utterly stupid.
August 9th, 2009 at 11:47 am
So, twilight is about a bunch of Furries and Vampires? Or is that the fan base? Bloody Hell, I can’t imagine a game about it.
August 9th, 2009 at 11:46 am
whats twilight????
August 9th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Pure GENIUS! I can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard!
August 9th, 2009 at 9:42 am
LOL!!!! I <3 This article
August 9th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Ahaha, this was gold, this is the kind of stuff I come to this website for. Also lol at the fat Irish fingers, I’ll have to put mine to the same use.
August 9th, 2009 at 8:34 am
i have read an article on cracked almost everyday for the past 2 years. and i can say without a doubt, this is the FUNNIEST one i have evey seen, kudos my friend… kudos
August 8th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
I heard that guy Edward (he’s the main character, isn’t he?) is screwing around with Hermione Granger behind his vampire bitch’s back. Has he learned nothing from Rikki Lake? The shame
Man Twilight sucks……so hard
August 8th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Someone tell me this is fake…
August 8th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Twilight killed vampires and werewolves for me =(
August 8th, 2009 at 11:17 am
“GavinOwnsABoat Says:
August 6th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
i new it. ur the 1 thats not a twilite fan!!!11!”
The article was HILARIOUS! And that just made it even better. =D
I’m alright with the sane fans in this series but I mean.. insanity. D:
Fun to laugh at though.
August 8th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Oh My God….. 0_0 That was the funniest thing I have ever seen!!!!!!!
I have read the books, Yeah I know, but I’m a ‘normal’ fan. Not a crazy “OMFGY I KNOW EDWARD’S FAV POSITION!!!” But a normal, ‘meh the books are okay’ fan.
I would seriously play this game though. ^^
August 8th, 2009 at 6:12 am
fucking. awsome article.
August 8th, 2009 at 4:48 am
First of all, i would like to start with..I have read these books. Yes i know, shame shame.
However,
I think the current Twilight infatuation is far behond the point of normalcy at this point.
To the point, the game would do well. Extremely well. Up until the next best thing comes out.. like a “Jonas Brothers Live”: MMO. or a “High School musical 18″ MMO. The problem is that this entire craze is just that, a craze. It will pass like “Harry Potter” and “crystal meth pop rocks” before it.
I read the book before it became popular and never thought it would grow to this much of an extreme, but it just goes to show you that teenage girls would rather dream about a glittering dead guy instead of live life. Sad.. Trés sad.
August 8th, 2009 at 4:24 am
Poor Gavin.
August 8th, 2009 at 3:13 am
Why The Rumored ‘Twilight’ MMO Must be Stopped | Cracked.com…
Would the game be a conventional World of Warcraft MMORPG, with it’s dungeons, monsters and equipment hoarding masses, or would it be a sort of electronic brothel set in the erotic and sensual landscape of western Washington? What would a ‘25 man ra…
August 7th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
I have to say this: if that MMO comes out, I swear that I will pay someone to fucking CRASH EVERY SERVER. I don’t care if I make a million of my fellow teens cry as they realize, staring at the blank screen through a veil of tears, that the 15 bucks that they had to mow the LAWN for (the indignity!) have gone to waste, that they can never have the chance to be the one-dimensional character in their own fucktarded vampire drama horseshit.
… Hell, I’d actually find that quite entertaining.
August 7th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
MajorWulff:
Let me start by saying I’m not a Twilight fan. Ew. But seriously, it’s just a series. Granted, a series teenage girls go retarded for, but still, just a series. If the author really has the power to change people’s views on vampires (which aren’t real anyway, might I remind you), then so be it. She’s a writer. Of fiction. It’s not like she wrote it thinking “HA, FUCK Y’ALL, I’MMA MAKE DRACULA’S SHIT STANK”. :0
Major kudos to Chris Bucholz. Fuckin’ hilarious.
August 7th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
L-O-L Pure hysteria. I give kudos to the man who tried to get through those fr33ks brains. It was a plot inside of a plot, seriously, and totally hilarious.
XDDDDD
August 7th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
omfg this is absolutely epic…pure genius, i swear, a twilight mmo would be the biggest affront to god and heaven in our time. and seriously, those twilight fags need 1 a life, 2 to get laid, 3 to stop cyber humping every walking pair of legs that says edward ish hawt (to type that i had to literally breathe and meditate, plz bare with me) so plz say NO TO TWILIGHT >.<
August 7th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
That sir was was nothing less then comedy.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
haha, my sister is exactly like one of them XD
August 7th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
i have friends who like twilight. im sending them this article so they know what NOT to become. absolutly hilarious.
August 7th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
I found that read to be delightful.
Would read again, but probably won’t.
August 7th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
TWILIGHT WAS AN EXCUSE TO TALK ABOUT … IN PUBIC!!! TWILIGHT SO SO STUPID!!!!
August 7th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Ahahaha, that was seriously one of the best articles i’ve read.
(y)
August 7th, 2009 at 10:20 am
This is possibly the best article I have read in at least eight months. Chris Bucholz, you win. Ultimately.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:06 am
Bahahahahahahahahahaha.
Love this. So so so so so true.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Hahahaha, yeah I agree.
August 7th, 2009 at 7:08 am
Tollum: I don’t think chicken sandiwhhchs are sexy???
LoveHamster: shutup they r
SweetBologna: I am thinking about chicken sandwich right now.
ahahahahaaaaa….
August 7th, 2009 at 6:43 am
Wow, that was awsome. I agree with this “MajorWulff” guy. Dracula was pimptatstic! They just added a care bear twist to a “Underworld” with the Twilight series. Don’t get me wrong. I think Robert Pattinson is sexy as shit, I would eat that boys skin off. But movie itself is a teen heart throb. Like “Saved by the Bell” with Gothic followers. Leave it to the media to take a century worth of underground, goth, cult favs and turn it into “Dawsons Creek”!!
August 7th, 2009 at 5:10 am
As stated before Twilight blatantly takes centuries of vampire and werewolf lore and basically gives it the big Fuck you. It makes Dracula come off as a pansy in childrens eyes cause now they won’t see him as the absolute bad ass that we have all come to know and love. Werewolves basically look like big fluffy puppies now. This is such a retarded series that it pisses me off that someone can make this. If Vlad were alive and saw this he’d shit himself and probably go to rip out the author’s throat.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:30 am
That was freakin’ hilarious!!
August 7th, 2009 at 3:31 am
My god, I love you.
August 7th, 2009 at 2:29 am
Twilight suck cock. I’m offended the gaming industry even accepted the fact there could be a Twilight MMO.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Twilight just took the same idea from Underworld and made it gay. Who the hell wants to watch ‘pale effeminate james dean mask’ when you can watch Kate Beckinsdale bounce around and shoot everything? The fact that people tried to make a game out of Twilight is a testament to the stupidity of this generation.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Also it makes it so much better that GavinOwnsABoat came here to finish his argument.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
You are the absolute funniest person i have had to pleasure to make up a scenario in which we meet.
Yes.
That is exactly how i feel.
August 6th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
You sir, are so win, i cant even breathe
August 6th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
This is hilarious.
And to all of you Twilight lovers, Vampires and Werewolfs have been established as mythical creatures, and even in some people’s eyes they exsist.
Twilight is just a sad excuse to get teenagers and parents into reading. Sadly it’s not the type of reading anyone should be getting into.
August 6th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
ADHD, you appear to have confused Twilight with Anne Rice. Either that, or you don’t know what “homoerotic” means. Probably both.
August 6th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
Wow. You’ve proven one thing very well: you need to read a book in order to make fun of it effectively.
August 6th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
“HOLY ZOMBIE JESUS WAS THAT SO DIFFICULT?”
“By which I mean, ‘Thank you’.”
August 6th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
i was going to read the books so i could c what people wont shut upabout but now ill leave it alone. as the poster in my room says, “FUK REEDEENG!”
August 6th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I am afraid of twilight fans now… but thank GOD that its not official…
August 6th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
“For all those people whining about twilight destroying vampire and werewolf lore…suck it , its fantasy u can make up whatever you want. I say your racist as far as the werewolf thing goes your not willing to accept werewolves in the light of another culture.”
Go back to your Twitard-infested nest of trash and leave the rest of the Internet alone.
August 6th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Nocturnia, let me explain the reason people are pissed at twilight’s so called “vampires.”
The vampires in that book go against years of literature displaying vampires as what they should be: Cold, awesome, predators of the night. Twilight vampires, on the other hand, are pale, completely un-predatory, and so homoerotic it hurts.
Doesn’t that seem a little weird to you? No? Well then go fuck yourself, how bout that.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
oh God that was SO FUNNY!!!
salutes from Spain, and yes here there are also retarded twilightlovers
August 6th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
i new it. ur the 1 thats not a twilite fan!!!11!
August 6th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
im a twilight fan, although not like the crazies in that article but that really really made me laugh
August 6th, 2009 at 11:41 am
For all those people whining about twilight destroying vampire and werewolf lore…suck it , its fantasy u can make up whatever you want. I say your racist as far as the werewolf thing goes your not willing to accept werewolves in the light of another culture.
Silly rabbits tricks are for kids.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:38 am
I am also a Twilight fan..more books then movie mind you..and that was FREAKING HILARIOUS do people honestly act like that…
p.s I also play world of warcraft
August 6th, 2009 at 11:18 am
i am a twilight fan (big one too) but i can laugh at stuff unlike other fans, and that was AWESOME! I wish i could’ve been there when that happened hahaha.
Seriously though, if they ever made and MMO i think that’s taking the Twilight phenomenon a little too far. I also love the vocabulary used in the forums lol.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:09 am
rock ON!
August 6th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Wow, not only is this now my favorite cracked.com article… which is saying something considering how much of my life I’ve wasted reading even the most obscure articles this site holds (9 printer companies that are no longer in business… due to financial difficulties!) This was actually rather well written, had good pacing and of course, hilariously distasteful one liners. Like House but with less medicine and about the same amount of formulaic structuring. Good one, (Thumbs up!)
August 6th, 2009 at 7:22 am
don’t forget that their vampires have to sparkle convincingly if they go out in the sunlight. yet another great failing of twilight. proper vampires, and I am in NO way tempted to say ‘real’, bare little to NO resemblance to the twilight atrocities. Not to say that they still wouldn’t just rub vampires up against each other too of course. they would.
I congratulate you on braving the waters of the twilight fandom so deeply, and I thank you for writing this so honestly.
now, where is that brain bleach. I must remove the stains that all this twlight has left behind…
August 6th, 2009 at 7:00 am
I would be interested to know exactly what this address is, upon searching I found some pretty disturbing twilight RP forums, but nothing compared to this. I sure hope the articles victims were younger than 10.
Also at my easily comment which quoted a random twilight forum topic about the number of chromosones a vampire has (yeh wtf), just realised it stated humans have 23 pairs…. funny how vampires have 25 pairs, we all know what has 24
Twilight forum posters!… o wait… no that’s…
August 6th, 2009 at 5:49 am
haha. that was the funniest thing i ever read.
August 6th, 2009 at 5:40 am
Holy shit..that was hilarious….
damn..reading this for the second time…. this was nicely done..
August 6th, 2009 at 4:10 am
###To those of you who are doubting if Bucholz really had those conversations on twilight forums###
you should REALLY believe it because there are some REEEAAALLY pathetic places on the internet. in deep dark crevices that are poorly made RP/chat sites
Check out http://www.proboards.com
A rare few of the RP sites crafted there are good quality. a good chunk are “mehh…” and the rest are like what Bucholz just showed us
August 6th, 2009 at 4:04 am
@MrsAwsumBeyond=P
Oh lord; now that I know that things in fictional books aren’t real I think I’ll never read a book again!
I don’t know what point you’re trying to make but surely you could have thought of something better than the lack of parallels between twilight “vampires” and “real” vampires.
Now, I hate twilight at the best of times but bringing it up on the fact that it uses fictitious material hardly contains any merit.
Even pointing out that the twilight vampires stray from the point of vampirism in fiction would be a more valid point, but criticizing what is essentially a fantasy book on not being based on “fact” completely contradicts the point of creative fiction.
That said, go back to “Skewl” and learn how to spell.
August 6th, 2009 at 3:02 am
The established news and print media are always bitching and moaning about the intarweb and how they are going bust and whatever like it is a bad thing. This article shows that actual in-depth investigative reporting will continue after the death of newspapers. Well done Buchlolz, long may you lead the procession of serious online journalism.
August 6th, 2009 at 2:41 am
I think twilight is bull . . . they really destroyed vampires and warewolves. . . the warewolf on harry potter? now THATS the ORIGIONAL myth of warewolves, and this? fuck its crap. . . Im not gonna go tooooo deep into it coz ppl will take me on but vampires are real but NOTHING like this, they dont have cold blood or are nocturnal or cant b exposed to sunlight, they are NORMAL humans who (becuz of religious seromonies) bite ppl that DONT MIND IT and drink their blood, they dont live forever and stay the same age and they deffinatly cant turn ppl into fkn vampires. . . .ok now that iv said that anonly i feel much better =] (i wud b murdered and my spleen wud b hung from a pine tree if i even mentioned that at skewl =\)
August 6th, 2009 at 2:25 am
So I decided to go on a random twillight forum and check out a hot topic, see what these non-humans were discussing, low and behold, the first topic I clicked on, I kid you not………
“So if you were around before the boards crashed, you may or may not know that I was thoroughly confused about how a 25-chromosone vampire could have a normal child with a 23-chromosone human. Well, I did my research this time other than relying on my limited public school knowledge of it, and I found that this could happen.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mules
In the first paragraph you read that donkeys have 62 chromosones, horses have 64. But they can reproduce and make a mule. I still don’t get it, but it can happen. Which also brings up an interesting point. Not all mules are sterile. Some female mules can reproduce with purebred horses or donkeys.
August 6th, 2009 at 1:46 am
gAwSh i dont get wats up with this twilight obsession… its goddam retarded and that fourm u showed? gAwSh those ppl need lives!!!!! they were so dumb OMG im glad im not like that! L0L but good job man =] keep up the gr8 work
luVs this site!!!!!!!!!!! sum of the stuff is so informative and so0o easy to0 read… makes learning fun =]
August 6th, 2009 at 12:49 am
Thank you for this.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:28 am
Quite possibly the best twilight related article on this website so far. Those chat logs were on par with “Bloodninja” in the hilarity department.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:08 am
wow.
that was phenomenal.
thank you for making my day and causing me to lose 1000 cal just by laughing at your hilarious post and those dumb people.
<3
August 5th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
If you want a similar experience to those chatrooms, theres an internet rpg vampire game (been around for years, before all this sparkling shite) where if you enter the chatrooms, it’ll be practically the same as the first lot of text up there ^
http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl
August 5th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
I wonder if all these things like interviews and forum and email chats are for real or not. I want proof you didn’t just make this up…if you didn’t, that was truly hilarious! I love how you just turned them against that gavin guy, it looks so easy to just get in a chatroom and mess with people
August 5th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
AHAHAHAHAHAH , lol i was really doubting if those ppl were real, i mean, dear god , that was so hilarious . Good Job!
August 5th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
You have to wonder how much of this is true. I could seriously see that conversation actually happening. We need to stop Twilight now!
August 5th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Im still wiping tears from my eyes. you sir are an hero. i simply love you. if i was a homosexual, i might be attracted to you. god damn that was fucking hilarious.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
I’m a teenage girl, and pretty much half of my friends would be highly offended to read this. I’m gonna fwd this to all my mates, and it will be good.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Thank you! That was gorgeous.
I actually really enjoyed the Twilight books, but the fandom is creepy. There are a million neo-psuedo-goth kids crawling around the internets, congregating in dimly-lit, sticky-floored chans. Luckily, its damn hard to reproduce through irc.
August 5th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
Omg man you just earned my eternal respect, i cant believe chatrooms have fallen this low.
August 5th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
funny…but a bit long winded
August 5th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
sory if english is no good. i have friend that is obsessed with twilight. her life is twilight, she scares me. when she told me there was an “MMO” for twilight she went crazy. i could not speak with her for 5 week with normal conversation. this was entertaining story.
August 5th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
i almost died when you were discovered for ripping off the secret to my success
also i want that prince poster.
August 5th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
[...] MMO detective work Why The Rumored ‘Twilight’ MMO Must be Stopped | Cracked.com Read it, don’t be drinking anything you will spill it…..and chicken sandwich sex, that is all. [...]
August 5th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Its people like you that keep my hopes for humanity alive.
I love you man.
August 5th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Holy shit! That was expertly prepared and executed. I can’t believe that guy called you out on the plot of a semi(?)-obscure Michael J. Fox movie. And then you get them to turn against the ponce. You can’t make up something that good, unless you did. Great Job!
August 5th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
I wouldn’t be surprised if those forum transcripts were real. I believe it. The internet is where human intelligence goes to die. I think we’ve known this for awhile, however.
Yet, I can see myself using the phrase “chicken sandwich sex” in the future. No one around me when I say it will have any idea what that means…
August 5th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
you just put chicken sandwich sex in my eyes
August 5th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
I shot Cheerwine up my nose at “I don’t even care what that implies.” Dear gods. I’m stealing that one.
August 5th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
HAHAHA I would /never/ have read any length of a story involving twilight so eagerly… You have reawakened my confidence in seeking out great reporting that exists in the world of today and tomorrow.
And… sheer congratulations on hitting a subcultural nail on it’s head so hard that it was a shot heard round the world. Just wow - that was very funny throughout and really exposes in a satisfying way the tons of faggotry we all know has been lurking around some corners of young society. And probably lots of pedos.
but was it really real?? (spine chill)
August 5th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Wow.
Just, wow.
This is amazing.
Amazing and hilarious.
August 5th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
I know absolutely nothing about Twilight and this was still fucking hilarious. I commend you, sir!
August 5th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Was… that real? *shudder* They’re less intelligent than I imagined… Thank you for writing this. You have done a great thing.
August 5th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
First time commenting on here, just wanted to say this is the best article I’ve read here so far. Fucking hilarious.
August 5th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
wow well done Chris, i have a shortcut to cracked on my firefox toolbar for articles like this, really funny dude. were all of those replies real?
August 5th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
I feel sorry for you, having to brave the horrid Twilight chatrooms on your own (it’s even worse than the anime ones). Fucking amazing article, thanks for writing it.
August 5th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
This… was probably the most glorious piece of material I have heard all month. *bows*
Twilight must be stopped. I commend you Chris.
August 5th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Dude, the Twilight series ROCKS
RT
http://www.anon-web-tools.net.tc
August 5th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
You missed out on a golden opp thar - dude… LoveHamster is awesome… he should be your intern.
August 5th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
That was amazing. I can’t imagine what kind of game they think they can make of of Twilight……*shudders*. I am also amazed and disgusted by the general stupidity of Twilight fans. Sadly, though, I’m not surprised.
August 5th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
i personally read all the twilight books and find them to be okay, but i have a strong hatred of the boys and girls who scream and shout and say omg too much.
this article was absolutly amazing. XD
August 5th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
My girlfriend and her sisters LOVE Twilight and I can’t understand why. WHY, OH GOD, WHY IS THIS FESTERING PUSS FILLED CARBUNCLE OF LITERATURE SO CELEBRATED!
P.S. That was the best thing I’ve read this whole month.
August 5th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
I am a girl who plays WoW, and also enjoys the twilight books. I completely agree that most twilight fans are crazy ass bitches. Young teenagers that are just stupid and mothers who want their daughters to think their cool. But I do wish they could come out with more MMO’s that girls can feel comfortable playing. I think WoW is great for guys and girls, but if you let it leak out that your a rl girl you have to put up with all the guys harassing you forever.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
[...] You could replace the entire user interface with two buttons that say Grind crotch and OMG and no on… [...]
August 5th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
My wife and daughter are into Twilight. Sad really. I cannot believe you were IP banned twice for asking questions about a Twilight game on a TWILIGHT forum. Now you know. Just use a woman’s name and you will be instant friends with every hound dog in the place.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
I’m so glad you wrote this article, and I’m amazed you had the stones to dive that far into twilight world to find a simple answer. Because of this I’m going to read more of your articles… You have gained a fan today sir.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
That had to be said. All of it. Beautifully written and hilarious.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy reading those books, but my god its gotten so out of hand with the movies, it’s refreshing to see someone bash the fans of the series, rather than the series itself.
Well done, and thanks for the laugh!
August 5th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
This might be the funniest story I have ever read. Still laughing at the line, “I will angryface you right in the fucking ass.”
THAT was classic.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
fucking hilarious! god, i hate twilight. and i hate its fans more- except my sister, but only because i don’t allow her to talk about it in my presence.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
I just laughed so hard I cried, and then cried some more.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:59 am
I think a twilight MMO would be good..
I like NON-sparking vamps but sadly was forced to leave the vampire MMO I played due to the fact it became over run with the sparkly freaks
perhaps if they had their own fucking game they would leave the rest of us alone to terrorise the humans in peace..
August 5th, 2009 at 11:44 am
“I just came in my pants”
August 5th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Truly the funniest and most well written bashing of twilight morons i’ve ever read.
My hat is off to you sir…
August 5th, 2009 at 11:31 am
FUCKING. EPIC.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Reminds me of this xkcd comic: http://bit.ly/AjIJd
August 5th, 2009 at 11:30 am
I am entirely offended by this article, it makes a mockery of the true unadulterated internet love that we vampires have for each other.
We’re all bisexual and it’s the only place where we can sit around in our underwear in grannys basement and pretend to be able to fit into girl jeans.
Stop being offensive cracked!
August 5th, 2009 at 11:20 am
I’m offended by this article mostly because it went on too long and wasn’t very well written. Humor columns that have to sit and explain to the audience that they’re being really offensive and shocking usually aren’t very interesting, though, so I guess I shouldn’t be real surprised.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Hahahaha fuuuuuuk lol.
@Dagny- No, she’s just fat and wants to fuck vampires and not be so fat.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:14 am
wow, very much enjoyed.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Tollum: -Angry Face.-
BucholzMuffins: You should see my face right now dude. I will angryface you right in the fucking ass. I am so pissed off I don’t even care what that implies.
—-
Winnar
August 5th, 2009 at 11:04 am
I’m pretty sure the author of Twilight has “Disney Channel Syndrome” meaning “make something that’s complete shit and market it to impressionable children.. and very stupid adults.” A formula which looks like this…
Any shitty thing geared towards pre-teens = millions and millions of dollars.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Holy shit this was FUCKING HILARIOUS. Caps were completely necessary there.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Funniest thing I have ever read! Brilliant!
August 5th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Nice!! Forum talks great!!
August 5th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Absolutely hilarious. Honestly, top notch. Everyone in my office was wondering what I was laughing at so hard.
August 5th, 2009 at 7:18 am
I genuinely laughed out loud, several times. Can’t explain why to the wife as she loves those fucking books and gets all upset if I diss Edward fucking Cullen.
August 5th, 2009 at 6:28 am
That was beautiful.
August 5th, 2009 at 6:16 am
having…trouble…breathing…too…funny…to….breathe…or…comment.
August 5th, 2009 at 5:10 am
Dominator, nothing wrong with wanting to play Quidditch.
August 5th, 2009 at 4:00 am
god, i HATE forums where there are these shitty little groups of online buddies playing their ubertard shit like “walks into room and so and so gives a big hug and kiss, then drinks wine”
hey you stupid fuckers, noone wants to read that useless shit except you and your dipshit loser friends.
those kinds of places are just awful and i wish bored hackers would spend the time inventing ways to shut down those forums and work towards ruining the fake lives of these douchebags.
if they weren’t already so into twilight and its bullshit, they would probably be into harry potter and try to start a match of quiditch.
August 5th, 2009 at 3:58 am
oh, i proclaimed “Vampires don’t fucking sparkle!” to my sister in a coffee shop the other day and woman at a nearby table nearly choked on her scone. Apparently she and i were in agreement.
August 5th, 2009 at 3:53 am
can’t… breathe… too funny… i know something is awesome when i start reading out loud to myself while crying. my sides hurt now. really, best ever.
i downloaded (stole) all the twilight books and they’re sitting on my computer waiting for me to get the courage to read them. i think some friends and i should get together, hotbox the bathroom, and take turns reading aloud. at some point “Bella” will become “Stephanie”, several improvised instances “OMGZ!!1″ and “Fuck me now, Edward!” will be thrown in, and we’ll choose our own adventure in order to kill every character (probably in the first chapter). No one will notice the difference between that and the actual text, we’ll get bored and order pizza. The end.
August 5th, 2009 at 3:07 am
the biggest Problem with the twilight books/movies is the fact every one is forgetting about the awesome ELO song Twilight from 1981 that was featured in the Daicon IV video a video for real nerds
August 5th, 2009 at 2:50 am
Another brilliant job again!! Twilight bashing is definatly funny.
August 5th, 2009 at 2:49 am
Sadly… Twilight is an abomination to those who read REAL vampire stories (i.e. Dracula mayhaps?) Since when did vampires sparkle in the sunlight… it’s a disgrace… and the author needs to be shot. Granted it was created for 14 year old girls as a romance story. But if I ever come up to someone who coo’s over Edward and his blood vegetarian, sparkling, queer ass self I will bash their head repeatedly into a window until either the window gives or their head busts open…. ABOMINATION! *Runs off before the Twilight lovers can beat him*
August 5th, 2009 at 2:28 am
ZOMG LEAVE TWILIGHT ALONE ;_;
-gets ed doll out and rubs against 2inch penis-
I LOVE ED I LOVE YOU
August 5th, 2009 at 1:48 am
Mr. Bucholz…I think I’m in love with you. Really.
That was the funniest article ever. I laughed so hard I cried. At nearly every sentence.
And then I realized that there really are people in this world that are THAT fucking stupid, such as those Twi-tards, and my laughter turned into blind, inconsolable fear.
Amazing article.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:36 am
Hey chris your article is better written than any of they shitty books, so I have heard as I would rather stick my cock in a blender filled with aids than read a paragraph. P.s Fuck twilight and all the fucktarded people who take an ounce of pleasure from it.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:23 am
Magnificent. This article was freaking amazing, I can’t stop loling. :’ )
I’ll never understand Twilight fanatics, or Twilight in general. It frightens me how crazy people are over it.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:12 am
ive never not been able to not finish an article, but i just couldn’t finish this one. why does Chris insist on just sitting down and making random crap up? its not funny, but i can see why people like it. its not absolute crap, its just not cracked-grade stuff. im really wondering how he got hired here.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
…… the mere thought of a Twilight MMO confuses and disturbs me. Honestly, what would your objectives be?
Traditional MMOs: Kill A amount of B, to get C amount of D, and turn it in to Generic Reference to Old Game Q.
Though the Generic Reference is usually World of Warcraft….. Link, anyone?
Twilight: Erm…. find 14 humans? Get 5 dates? Make 12 different lame attempts at dramatic scenes?
(From what I’ve heard, Twilight does do a few dramatic scenes right…. but I doubt individual players will be able to:
Berra11: Oh, Edvv4rd, I <3 u. U <3 me?
Edvv4rd: How I mine for fish?
August 4th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
My assumption is that since ChauncyDragon only shows up in the first one, he was Gladstone. Just an assumption, but that’s what I’m guessing. Rather, I guess I should say that he was meant to be Gladstone, because it’s fiction (and awesome).
And I’m seriously considering bashing Twilight less stridently based on how gullible people can be if you’re mocking it. It’s sort of like facing down a group of people for their ovine stupidity, and then, in a pause between breaths, you hear a soft, repetitive whispering sound behind you - and you turn around to realize the sound is caused by the mouth breathing of an army of drooling retards who are clearly down with what you’re saying. While you might not abandon your prior position, you’re at least likely to quit trumpeting it as loudly.
Guys: you can’t possibly be that dumb while mocking someone else’s stupidity, can you? You know this isn’t from an actual site, right?
“Is it all real? People really act like that?”
“I love how Bucholz turned everyone in the chat against that Gavin character XD also it is pathetic the level of stupidity showcased in that Twilight chatroom, it kind of makes me lose faith in the future of humanity…”
“GIVE US THE ADDRESS TO THAT TWILIGHT CHAT SITE SO WE CAN FUCK IT UP PLEASE!!!!”
Oh, alright then. I suppose not.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
From a gaming perspective, lot’s (possessive) of questions are raised by the prospect of a Twilight MMO. Will the game be a conventional World of Warcraft MMORPG, with it’s (it is) dungeons, monsters and equipment hoarding masses,
August 4th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
i love you. that chat room was incredibly disturbing. i refuse to believe people are like that.
but way to go and isolate that one guy haha ;]
August 4th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
I’m thinking about turning gay to ride the author of this article.
I just came in my pants.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
Brilliant.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
….ghis was so beautiful. I cried. hilariousity
August 4th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
I must say the Prince poster is amazing… I want one… lol
August 4th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Oh my God. That was so funny. I love how he was able to turn everybody on Gavin so easily, it was like Lord of the Flies but with Twilight nerds
August 4th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Twilight MMO is already stopped…
August 4th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
I love how Bucholz turned everyone in the chat against that Gavin character XD also it is pathetic the level of stupidity showcased in that Twilight chatroom, it kind of makes me lose faith in the future of humanity…
Also, thank you for another “lulz” worthy article!
August 4th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
This is the most brilliant thing I’ve ever read! *crosses legs sassily*
I was rolling on the floor reading the IM conversation. Thank you so much!
August 4th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
I read the twilight series before I allowed my daughter to read it. WORST WRITING EVER!!!
Sad thing is all my friends are apeshit about it. They have twilight parties and everything and we are in our late 20’s to early 30’s! I am never invited of course because I always make fun of them. When I saw the movie I almost go my ass kicked for laughing to loud the whole time! And some chick actually said “He’s so dreamy” at one point!
August 4th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
watch the hottest photo of the movie twilight and new moon
http://www.robertpattinson.me//twilight_pic.html
August 4th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
i later become the lead singer and bassist for a bass heavy, heavy metal bad called ‘Sol’ and kicking ass because metal is good. woo.
THE FUCKING END.
what do u think!?
August 4th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Ahah. That made me really want to play it…
And then I learn it’s just a student project…
I really wanted to knock some sense into people… T.T
I haven’t even read the actual series, nor do I care to, but I know all of it already thanks to people at school, the awesome summaries of how crappy it is, and the fact that people won’t shut up about how ‘awesome’ it is.
Though, in Target the one day, I picked up a random book and read a few lines. ‘I was wearing….’ and then the next line, ‘I was wearing…’
Writing is horrid. = . =
But, you’re very good. Your writing is perfect… makes perfect sense on why the dude working on this so project should just… toss it and make something useful. Like a new fork.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
vampires dont sparkle. fags sparkle.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
“DOB stared at me blankly, the concept of needing a reason to steal unfamiliar to him.”
brilliant!! I laughed for a full minute
August 4th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
i live on and get a temp job. i popped a cap in the pimps ass.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
i will be featured in the next book. i kill the vampires with a supersoaker and holy water. i beat the werewolves to death with some silver bling i stole from a pimp. then after the mess, having my way Bella. she enjoys it and leans back, claiming i am much better than Edward at sex. giggity. later being shot at by the pimp i stole bling from.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
brandon p- idoits are the general population.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
i just came! lol
August 4th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
@starberry
how on earth is “30 Days of Night” anywhere NEAR the stupidest movie ever made?
August 4th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
DAMN YOU BUCHOLZ!!! I WILL HAVE MY ReVeNgE because I have 1337 vampiric powers!!!1!11!!!
August 4th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
@ShaolinMonk69
30 Days of Night is the most retarded movie ever made.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
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August 4th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
that was aaaaweeesooommeeee
August 4th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
I speak for myself and other devoted and radical cracked fans when I say, “GIVE US THE ADDRESS TO THAT TWILIGHT CHAT SITE SO WE CAN FUCK IT UP PLEASE!!!!”
August 4th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Dude this article was fucking AWESOME and there is nothing more to say this is just pure awesome.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
What’s a twilight?
- naked -
- rolls over languorously and picks toast out of butt-
August 4th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
###To those of you who are doubting if Bucholz really had those conversations on twilight forums###
you should REALLY believe it because there are some REEEAAALLY pathetic places on the internet. in deep dark crevices that are poorly made RP/chat sites
August 4th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
I just want to say that you are seriously a hero of mine.
I’m not a Twilight basher but I do, however, hate Twilight FANS.
And this is possibly the greatest act of heroism to this day.
Thank you…
August 4th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
assuming you havent and never will read twilight, ill be the one to lightly defend it. the book actually isnt that bad. its more than just swooning over edward cullen which was the entire premise of the movie. that being said, the movie was awful and brought the overly hormonal preteen fans into light, and unfortunately theres so many of them that they overshadow the normal people who read and enjoyed twilight.
still, an mmo sounds like the dumbest shit ive ever heard. there WOULD be nothing to do but grind vampires.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
LOVE…THIS…ARTICLE.
Usually I just “lol” and “rofl” in my head and just smile on the outside as I read cracked articles. but this seriously had me LOL’ing
and I think I love “Alex” because she wrote that so beautifully 8)…and is a girl
fucking stephanie meyer and her DSL’s/twisted brain duo ruining vampires. 30 DAYS OF NIGHT… now THOSE are vampire. (lost boys is cool too sorta)
August 4th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
That was a great article! The one think I kept thinking of as I read, Second Life. There is an MMO that those people would be happy in.
Also is this such a bad idea, I mean if they spend all their time online, that means we don’t have to hear or see them. Think about it, when was the last time you were sick of seeing the WoW players running about?
August 4th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Greatest. Article. Ever.
I love Twilight. And I’m a guy. But good Twi-bashing is always funny. This had me laughing out loud from beginning to end.
*grinds Bucholz’s femur* Bite me!
August 4th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Should I get my whip? Also, axe, dagger or cross? +1 if you get the reference.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
You are my idol.
I hate Twilight with the burning firey passion of a thousand suns.
And yes, I’m a girl too.
=]
August 4th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
-dances in circle- LOLZ TAHT WUZ FUNY!
good god im never typing like that ever again.
twilight was good, until everyone got batshit crazy.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
this is one of the best articles i have read in a couple of months.
chicken sandwiches was the best.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Yes. YES.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Twilight is the dumbest thing to ever be shit on our planet… I hear one thing about it and I want to eat my own ears e.e;
This was wonderful I was reading about it and all I did was laugh and scroll down for more.. Fantasticly done. Thank you
Also, if said game ever comes out someone needs to shoot me.. Twilight is ALREADY TOO BIG! It’s disgusting how many retarded people we share earth with.. fml!
August 4th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
SO funny.
“HOLY ZOMBIE JESUS WAS THAT SO DIFFICULT?!”
EPIC statement. haha
very well written.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
That was pure awesome
August 4th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Bucholz, you are my favorite columnist. Jizzes around in happy of circle dance.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
I think if this game ever got made the server would crash in the first hour due to said vampire rubbing. I really hope this thing never sees the light of a computer monitor. Whats worse is that this stuff really does happen.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
FUCKING MoST FANY ZING i EVAR READDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111
August 4th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Good one, i was giggling like a retard.
If i ever own a company, i’m making my title ‘Important Business Werewolf’. That ought to kick the recession in its ass.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
If those transcripts are real and accurately reflect the IQ of the average Twilight fan, idiots make up a larger percentage of the general population than I ever suspected.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
This is the best thing I have ever read.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Absolutely hilarious, so good in fact, i read it twice.
I didn’t even read Crime and Punishment twice, and hell it’s my favorite book.
Contgratulations, Bucholz.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Loved it
Brilliant article.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Good lord, I was in fits when they picked “the secret of my success”.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
I died laughing at this. Very good work! Your ability to reach into the mind of a Twilight fan and not come back with brain damaged is astonishing!
August 4th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I love this. Haha.
Just so the writer knows you’re post made it to reddit!!
August 4th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
“Can you fix my computer? I just got kicked off a forum for no reason!”
Holy shit this was hilarious! I had to roll away from my computer I was laughing so hard from that quote alone. Awesome article!
August 4th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Twilight needs to be eradicated from the collective memory of mankind.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
twilights okay, but not NEARLY good enough to make me spaz. I still believe all those rabid, braindead twilight fanatics need to be shot. In the leg. With an exploding bullet. And left there to suffer.
I’m sick of twilight fanatics.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
haha the last line is gold. Brilliant article, very funny
August 4th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
I think that a Twilight MMO is a great idea. If you think of Twilight fans as nothing more than mindless bovines, who we keep around because we can make food and leather jackets out of them, than a Twilight MMO is pretty much just an efficient method of herding. They can all gather together and virtual-hump one another while reciting shitty poetry, become addicts and never accidentally meet each other in real life and continue to pollute our gene pool with their verminous offspring.
Then, of course, we can kill them and eat them.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
God thats the first cracked article in a while that I laughed out loud. And just when i was getting confident i could read at work and no-one would notice.
Good work!
August 4th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
“I will angryface you right in the fucking ass. I am so pissed off I don’t even care what that implies.”
That is one of the funniest things I have ever read on this site.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Gold, pure gold! Truly are a god amongst men!
August 4th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Bravo, I loved this article, one of the better I’ve seen in a while at cracked!
August 4th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Damn Bucholz shit was hilarious really… fuck u Twilights! and Potty’s!
August 4th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
-orgasm-
August 4th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Haha!! “I just came in my pants” I’m gonna read it again.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
that was a very well written article if i do say so myself. freakin hillarious.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
This was fucking hilarious
August 4th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Wow. I love the Twilight series and all, but an MMO? Good god…have people lost their minds?
August 4th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Prince; at any time, at any occasion, be more like prince
I’m printing that out.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Oh god, that forum sounds like it could quite easily the the single most retarded place on the internet, even /b/ makes more sense.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
That was hilarious, one of the best articles I’ve read on cracked.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
I laughed really hard at this article. And at the comments. And at DeathMonkey’s in particular.
God Bless Cracked.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Bloody Brilliant,
So good I spoke Brittish, and I’m American.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Great article.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
every mmo is used for chat sex, every fucking last one of them
August 4th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
omg, that was fuking hilarious. this humor and comedic awsomeness is why i love this site.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
“I then made the universal gesture for “fat Irish fingers.” Jack nodded again, although he was probably just humoring me that time.”
I don’t know what it was about that line but it made me laugh so hard.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Some people say a Fallout MMO won’t work, A Twilight MMO vill surely fail.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
It’s not like a Twilight game would be any different than WOW.
I played that game for three whole months (which to avid players is probably nothing but to me, is a huge testament to wasting my time)
and while there was cool shit in there, like this multicolored mushroom forest, I would look around and see various naked gnomes and elven women fucking each other.
It was impossible madness held together only by the one asshole on the chat thing that told them to calm down, the NPC city guards did nothing to stop the fiesta and anti-government rantings, the xenophobic manifestos, and chuck norris jokes.
Never again. The horror, the horror. Johny Rotten got his wish, there was Anarchy all over that shit.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
XD I can’t….
No, I won’t believe these are actual transcripts. I mean, they’re dumb, but really?
Wait, what I am saying, they’re Twihards…. this is more than possible.
Sad that this is the future or literature.
Fucking hilarious article, Good Job Chris!
August 4th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
jesus guys, enough articles about twilight!
August 4th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Anyone who reads Twilight books or watches the movies is a braindead chickenfucking product of meth and incest.
August 4th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
I’m blinding myself to the possibility that these transcripts are real. I just don’t think I could deal with that…bless these cracked writers for professionally navigating online forums.
Anyway I’ve got to stop reading this stuff at work. It’s too damn funny.
August 4th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Sweet jesus, I hope those really are transcripts. But then again, I dread that they are.
August 4th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
LOL i couldn’t stop laughing with the part
of WOW how can’t you compare it?
…!!
I mean WOW it’s more popular
than Twilight!!!
and WOW it’s so fucking amazing!!
and twilight it’s just … a book for girls
and boys that wanted to know why is so special for some girls
or that’s what I thought about!!
August 4th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
I’m glad to finally meet another chicken sandwich fetishist.
August 4th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Somehow the tower of Babel at the end just capped it all off beautifully - HILARIOUS!
August 4th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
i fucking loved the sniffing ramen powder . HILARIOUS
August 4th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
my god that was hilarious. My eyes are still watering
August 4th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Apparently neither Bucholz or Gladstone have figured out how to use a proxy…
August 4th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Loe and behold, a Twilight fan! Note the lack of grammar, punctuation, and intelligence, and the OH SO AWESOME USERNAME.
EdwardMoonBlood293, I can only assume that you are female or eight years old.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
lololololololol its funny becuz edward is sooooo hawt lol
August 4th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Sure you can make fun of Twilight fans, but if you were 14 years old and a perv woulden’t you take advantage of there “Duh” by dressing as a vampire, hanging out in american apparel and letting them all grind against you.
Being to old for that crap, and too smart, we have to get our jollies other ways. Ways that attract adult women. Woman who are not brain damaged. Ways wich I haven’t figured out yet.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
between your legs.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
the joke edwardmoondood..is in your pants.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Prince poster T-shirt NOW!
August 4th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Man, I have no idea where to start. Not only did you reference my favorite 80’s movie, you also gave me one of the only motivational posters I’d actually pay attention to.
Thank God I didn’t read this at work. I’d have been fired on the spot for the roaring laughter.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
hey RoboBallz did you notice that you’re fucking retarded and that was the joke dumbfuck
August 4th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I for one would have no problem with an MMO taking money away from idiotic twilight fans. Anything that keeps them from public view is fine by me.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Hahahahaha sooo awesome, reminds me of DOB hahhahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 4th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
LOL that was hilarious. I never tire of the Twilight bashing. Just too funny!
August 4th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
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August 4th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
The Twilight MMO is being made by three people. They have never made a game before and are doing it just so the rights holders can see and (in their fantasy world) publish it.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
And you know names would go like this:
90% = Names involving canon characters (Edward, Bella, Alice, etc.)
9.9% = Names involving something they consider “dark” or “edgy” (but just look emo and retarded) like Moonblood, Shadowdance, Cuttingmyself
.1% = Names that are normal and fucking unique
It would make the ‘Legolas/Gimli’ for elves (also hunters) and dwarfs of WoW seem normal in comparison
August 4th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
did anyone else notice that after cracked.com’s ip gets banned from the “twilight forum” gladstone was emofaced from being banned from “a forum”…then bella3278 no longer appears in the forum posts afterwards? GLADSTONE IS/WAS BELLA3278!!!
August 4th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
WOW! Simply one of the best!
As an Irish Leprachaun myself I get the sausage finners (fingers) remark all the time…Oh but how my wife loves them!
Great job on getting Gavinownsaboat bani-shed from the chat group! I was cracked-up the whole time.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
We all know Gladstone was really LoveHampster.
This article made my day.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
I about peed myself at the “Secret of My Success” part. Awesome read, very funny!
August 4th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
As the founder of the Anti-Rabid Twilight Fan group the Black Pawn Movement and as a member of Twilight Sucks!, I want to thank you.
Chances are, this is the Twilight Lexicon chatroom. The Lexicon is notorious in the Twilight hatedom for being similar to Nineteen Eighty-Four in terms of how it’s run, and they love (and I mean /love/) to ban anyone whose opinion of the series is anything but “OMG EDWARD!<3<3<3<3<3″.
http://www.twilightlexicon.com/
Have a ball, my good fellows!
~Tails
August 4th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
I also love that you insinuated that Gladstone was a lover of this Twilight fansite…I wonder which user he was before you got the IP address banned hmm?
August 4th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
OMG ther mkin twilhgt gam? im so xcited111111111111111
August 4th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
As an Irish person- I am offended at the stereotype of having fat fingers. Even though I do.
As a human being- What a great article! Well done sir
August 4th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Best Blog article evar.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Aravena, remember who’s article this is.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
I read the title of this on the front page and just yelled “NOOOOOO!” Nothing has grabbed me that quickly and so violently before. But if this was made I think the trolls would literally spontaneously explode from the sheer quantity/quality of the lulzcows to be milked. Wonderful stuff
August 4th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
mmmm, chicken sandwich sex. sounds delicious.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
that was amazing
August 4th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
strangely enough I’ve both snorted a ramen noodle flavor packet, and used ass sandwich as an insult. That first section was just filled with nostalgia for me. (never google “big ass sandwich, you don’t get a large sandwich, rather you get a big…. ass sandwich.)
August 4th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I couldn’t stop laughing. This was great and I saly agree that there should be something that rids them from our lands and locks them inside!!!! AJ, you’re brilliant! Let’s do this!
August 4th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
That’s great work man. All I can say is that the majority of Twilight fans are teenage girls, women who wished they didn’t loose their virginity to the mailman, or metrosexual guys who wish they were both the vampire dude and the girl.
Keep up the good work. Knock em down a peg or two.
“Stromulo does what Stromulo wants”
August 4th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Thank you, Allison.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Yeah, this is pretty screwed up.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
AJ: hear, hear
August 4th, 2009 at 11:59 am
I actually like Twilight, but even I know a Twilight MMO or anime or some other crap like that is a HORRIBLE AND TERRIFYING idea.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Actually, I wouldn’t mind if they made that game. Imagine every Twilight fan living inside of their basement, jacking off to their avatars fucking other avatars. Not only would they be gone from our world, but from the lack of sunlight exposure, we’d see what should’ve happened in Twilight every time one of these bastards walks outside to buy the next book.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:58 am
this is the best thing ive read evers….hilarious and pathetic XD!!! screw twilight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 4th, 2009 at 11:56 am
wonderful article. I was laughing through the whole thing
August 4th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Awesome! Your descriptions of the office are the funniest things on this site.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Bucholz, you’re my hero. Thanks for braving the dually disturbing world of Twilighters and forum-haunters to bring us this gem.
DOB: good luck with those Irish sausages.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:52 am
lol… loved this. I mean i used to like….love twilight…but i was never that…..stupid?
i guess for some people twilight really does burst brain cells….and any sense of a pair of balls….
I just loved the whole ” DOB stared at me blankly, the concept of needing a reason to steal unfamiliar to him.”…oh dob….what re you like
August 4th, 2009 at 11:50 am
THE funniest article. I had no idea twilight fans were that dumb. I couldn’t stop laughing. That must’ve been one of the most excruciating experiences ever. You’re a fantastic writer! Can’t wait to read the next amazing article
August 4th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Not bad. It was amusing in some places, but I think it went on a little too long. I think the whole second attempt could’ve been cut out, because we’d already gotten the point from the first attempt.
I didn’t ever laugh out loud, but I did think some parts were funny, and I read the whole thing, so that’s something :P. Good job on the article, overall.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:41 am
Best thing I’ve ever fucking read ever. Cracked tells it like it is.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Brilliant article! Havent laughed this much in ages.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Best thing I’ve ever read.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Great!
Boo Twilight
August 4th, 2009 at 11:17 am
This was so fantastic. It was great because it had all the other columnists but, seriously, I loved it because I hate Twilight and you’re an amazing writer. So great idea, great concept, great take on everything, and I’ll be waiting for your next article.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:11 am
When I first came to this site, I figured DOB and Swaim were the only bloggers for me. And yet I find myself wishing it was Tuesday a lot more often nowadays. This was hilarious, Bucholz.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:09 am
This is one of the best articles I’ve read on cracked… YES
August 4th, 2009 at 11:07 am
My favorite part was the Prince motivational.
-twirls in a happy circle-
August 4th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Wow. That was the funniest article ive read yet.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:04 am
THAT WAS AWESOME
August 4th, 2009 at 11:04 am
I was having problems breathing I was laughing so hard. I thank you, even though I am asthmatic and nearly died.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Fat Irish Fingers
August 4th, 2009 at 10:50 am
That was quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever read. I know from my days as a 15 year old on other fan sites that those conversations are all too real.
You’re hysterical. I hate Twlight. I love you.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Your efforts to infiltrate the murky depths of the “Twilight Kids” are surely worthy of a Pulitzer, or maybe even the Nobel. You are truly a king amongst men.
And before your head explodes from the immense attention paid to your ego I have a complaint to make. Whilst reading this article I laughed so loudly that my wife now thinks I may be suffering from some form of schizophrenia, or possibly a brain tumor.
Thanks Bucholz, you ruined my marriage.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Now THAT is a damn good article.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:41 am
So beautiful, I may cry.
And oppress myself in the corner.
Whilst listening to the sound of dying kittens.
La la la.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Brilliant article, I should bring up that there will be a Twilight culture war soon. Thom Yorke (Radiohead frontman) has agreed to write a song to be used in the next Twilight movie. Apparently in the Venn Diagram of people who like Twilight and Radiohead, the director is the only place they meet. I’m not saying each doesn’t profit off teen angst, but they have a very different brand. These kids sit at different tables in the lunchroom… this could be catastrophic / awesome to watch.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Wow, that was seriously awesome. “You could map every key on the keyboard to the exclamation mark, and map the exclamation mark to “1″ and again, no one would notice”. I came very close to hurting myself there. Oh, and I thought of a name for my band, so keep an eye out for the Ass Sandwich Murder Fiends.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:26 am
This was hilarious. S0 h3wt.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Amen.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:25 am
I must know the universal sign for Fat Irish Fingers.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:24 am
How can anyone compare these vampirefags to the genius which is Michael J. Fox?
I bet you destroyed the life of that guy when he got repudiated by his kind. And frankly he deserved that.
And I find it kind of appropriate that your last post was “Which Site Has The Stupidest Commenters On The Web?”.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:22 am
wow… finally an article i can shove in my sister’s face and say SEE??? NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU AND YOUR STUPID VAMPIRES… NO ONE THINKS YOU’RE COOL!!! DO YOU SEE HOW STUPID YOU SOUND???? DO YOU??? DO YOU??? maaaaaaaaa….. she’s drinking blood again…..
August 4th, 2009 at 10:16 am
I don’t believe you Cracked writers really all work in an office together. And even if you did, no way would Dan O’Brien actually turn up. Still, this article was brilliant, and the best bit was the Prince poster. In fact, you should make more similar posters. If there’s one thing the Internet needs, it’s more Photoshopped fake motivational posters.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:11 am
i loved everything about this article…finally! something actually super FUNNY! You should right a comedy novel about times in the Cracked office…i really loved that bit
August 4th, 2009 at 10:05 am
That was incredibly funny.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:57 am
mother fucker!
August 4th, 2009 at 9:54 am
This was one of the most AWESOME FRIGGING HILARIOUS ARTICLES I have read in a LONG time. Absolutely loved it!
August 4th, 2009 at 9:50 am
XiaoHu:
No, but I imagine it would be AWESOME.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:43 am
[...] 4, 2009 · Leave a Comment As if the Twilight MMORPG rumor wasn’t bad enough, I now present to you (I’m so, so [...]
August 4th, 2009 at 9:34 am
@Jason Haley
Have you ever seen a Michael Bay script?
o.o
August 4th, 2009 at 9:28 am
(Okay, I’m back from my book burning.)
To fill my quota of needless activities for today, whoever said Bucholz was using a movie script format obviously has never been to any Chatrooms or forums. Pardon me for my ignorance, but I thought movie scripts were generally more… I dunno, educated, and less… what Bucholz has in this article.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:27 am
I’m not only emailing that Prince poster to everyone I know and posting it up at my own place of employment, I’m getting it fucking tattooed on my back the end.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:24 am
- nips at Gavin’s tongue lightly with her teeth-
August 4th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Poor Bucholz, trying to communicate with Twilight fans in a rational manner. For an Internet writer, he must have too much faith in the Internet.
(Also, chicken sandwich sex? More like chicken AWESOME sandwich ORGASMI-GAMI! Seriously, just adding that… Hilarious.)
August 4th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Sabre Justice - I can’t believe you just mentioned City of Heroes and not WoW. You, sir, win.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:21 am
-bows down-
August 4th, 2009 at 9:19 am
well played, bucholz. well played.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:19 am
It’s kind of funny that I’ve come to enjoy the articles about the cracked staff more than anything else on the site. If ever you made an office sitcom about the cracked staff, I would watch it religiously.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:18 am
[...] Is here a Twilight MMO in the works? [...]
August 4th, 2009 at 9:18 am
“BucholzMuffins: You should see my face right now dude. I will angryface you right in the fucking ass. I am so pissed off I don’t even care what that implies.”
The funniest line I believe I have ever read on this site…awesome article…
August 4th, 2009 at 9:18 am
this was hilarious. good work bucholz.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:17 am
from this day on i will be more like prince…at all times, in all situations.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Doctorchaos:
You are deeply, deeply stupid. He didn’t use a “movie script format”, he was showing his conversation from a FORUM, which you would KNOW, IF YOU READ THE DAMN ARTICLE!!!
August 4th, 2009 at 9:12 am
http://www.robertpattinson.me/twilight_pic.html
August 4th, 2009 at 9:04 am
I love the movie Twilight.
I have never actually seen it, of course, or anything about the movie. As long as this remains true I can have my own version playing in my head: 1 part Blade, 1 part Underworld, and 1 part American Pie. Oh, and 1 part South Park.
Yeah, it’s dongtastic…like Zombie Jesus and Chicken Sandwich Sex.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:03 am
I wish there was another Hitler, only instead of the Jews he would purge Twilight fans. They really don’t need to be chlorinating our gene pool.
Although I think the really retarded ones only have dreams or cardboard cut-out sex with edward and bella, so there’s that.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:02 am
How the hell did you get replies that fast on a forum??
August 4th, 2009 at 9:01 am
Holy shit. That was hilarious. Truly. I’m sitting in lecture listening to my professor talk about graphing pigeon data and THIS was way more funny. I had to keep looking away and pretending to yawn to keep myself from bursting out laughing. I never comment and I was compelled to tell you this. Good stuff.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:00 am
“…which if I got everything right, will offend millions of people. Probably you, in fact.”
If anyone here likes Twilight and is offended, they can go fuck themselves to death with a stick covered in AIDS sauce.
Bucholz, I want to party with you and DOB. Remind me to hide my valuables and pets before you get here.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:00 am
also, i dont think i can move forward with my life until i learn the universal sign for fat irish fingers
August 4th, 2009 at 8:58 am
awesome article man, you are a funny mofo. my favorite thing was the picture of your twilightiest clothes, i think i peed a little when i saw that.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:56 am
I’d play it for the lulz.
HotLkBella53:-gropes EdwrdCllen69-
EdwrdCllen69: brb, my mom got my hot pockets!!1
AnonAmoxy: -comforts Bela with berries and massages-
August 4th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Ok, this is, by FAR, the best post Cracked has seen since…. Well, since Dan’s post about handling the IRS.
Seriously, I think you might be my new favorite writer <3
Thanks for the fabulous post.
/salutes
August 4th, 2009 at 8:55 am
I wasn’t too crazy about the forum excursions, but the in-office politics were absolutely hilarious!
August 4th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Good job writing an entire article about a non-story but only saying that in the last paragraph
August 4th, 2009 at 8:52 am
I always have a hard time believing that the conversations are real, but still funny.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Curse you Bucholz! I’ll get you if it’s the last thing I ever do!
August 4th, 2009 at 8:52 am
its obviously not a real article guys, no man could stand talking to twilight fans for that long, but he did sum up the existence that is a fanboy
August 4th, 2009 at 8:50 am
Ok, that made up for the game store story by about a 1000%. And you worked in the Secret of My Success. Bravo!!
August 4th, 2009 at 8:49 am
So, is that transcript actually real?!?
If so, certain websites need some serious hacking…
August 4th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Chicken sandwich sex? That’s quite possibly the most brilliant thing I’ve ever heard!
August 4th, 2009 at 8:45 am
I have but one question.
Was that SERIOUSLY how your foray into the Twilight forums turned out? Because I don’t want to believe that people are actually that fucking stupid.
Oh, and on an unrelated note, my favorite part of this article was with DOB. Oh him and his antics.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:33 am
brilliant
August 4th, 2009 at 8:33 am
Please tell me this guy http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ is NOT in talks (as rumored) for the next Twilight and he’s sticking to his guns (talks) to play CA!
August 4th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Please tell me that Twilight Fanboys aren’t this fucking stupid….
August 4th, 2009 at 8:26 am
this makes me what to fuck with the twilight forums
August 4th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Ah, Zombie Jesus makes yet another appearance on Cracked.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:24 am
I wasn’t too crazy about the forum excursions, but the in-office politics were absolutely hilarious!
August 4th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Excellent article, loved the ending.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:20 am
holy hell that was funny. especially if those transcripts are really real, like you say.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:18 am
That was an awesome article!! I laughed so hard
! Sigh, guess now i’m off to my bathtub… alone….
August 4th, 2009 at 8:16 am
This confirms it. I officially hate Twilight more now than I did three seconds ago.
I feel the need to burn the New Moon book before the movie hits theaters. Excuse me, brb…
August 4th, 2009 at 8:14 am
I couldnt breathe, and i’m a twilight fan …i agree with callum. Fucking Gold:)
August 4th, 2009 at 8:12 am
This was fantastic, hahahahhaa.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:07 am
I’m at work right now, and was trying so damned hard not to loose it. This is brilliant.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:07 am
That prince poster in my background now.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:02 am
I was so laughing so hard I was crying. Great article.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:59 am
So wait a second. . . Twilight is bad, right? Good, because that makes this article wonderful.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:57 am
we’re those direct quotes from the forum??
either way fucking solid article, best one since comfort wipe, which i still make references too today..
August 4th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Its “alone, in the bathtub” looser
Had me laughing so fucking hard lol
August 4th, 2009 at 7:52 am
This is, without a doubt, the funniest thing I’ve read on Cracked to this day.
Bravo!
August 4th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Ok, i have never been a fan of your stuff, but this had merolling!. I don’t even know anything about Twilight, and this was still hilarious! I am linking this to EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET!
August 4th, 2009 at 7:48 am
I say we firebomb their next convention
August 4th, 2009 at 7:47 am
This was probably my new favorite article on here. Fucking hilarious. Helped make my shitty day a little brighter.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:46 am
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August 4th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Was the fact that the dudes name was Gavinownsaboat a crack at Gavin, a frequent commenter here?
August 4th, 2009 at 7:38 am
Christopher Bucholz = Fucking Champion
All of the cracked “writers” have done irl interludes but you do the best ones by far.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:38 am
NO. NO, NO NO. THESE SONS OF BITCHES MUST BE STOPPED!
August 4th, 2009 at 7:37 am
awesome article
August 4th, 2009 at 7:30 am
“Statistics Jack. It’s a word you say right before numbers. It means ‘this is a fact.’”
Had me dying.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:21 am
Oh jesus.. if there wasnt a hookers corpse and cops outside my door I would have been laughing my ass off.
but really, I was. W2g. I think I might have to buy a gun to live in a world of that much Twilight. - I put tanning oil on yesterday and someone said I looked like Edward. I immediately proceeded to take a shower and drive 2 hours home.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:04 am
the prince poster seriously made me lmao.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:03 am
epic
August 4th, 2009 at 6:58 am
I didn’t read that cos you used the much hated “movie script” format which is as fun to read as “The Bible” in graphic novel form, but I have to say I support the Twilight MMO concept entirely.
Why you ask? Because it will get rid of thousands of whiny righteous little teenage faggots from World of Warcraft, and anything that does that is a wonderful thing. Plus they’ll spend less time outside so we don’t have to endure their ghostly faces in public.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:57 am
Genius
August 4th, 2009 at 6:57 am
This was a great article. My favorite part was when GavinOwnsABoat questioned your story and you immediately accused him of not liking Twilight. All the other sheeple jumped on your side and kicked him out. Classic, but also makes me fear for the future, when these people have children.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:56 am
I haven’t commented on this site in literally months, but I needed to say that that was the funniest thing I have read in forever. Thank you for brightening this black cloud of a morning.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Twatlight makes me ashamed I was ever a vampire kid. Nowadays if I want to read a legitimate vampire book, I have to do it at home where no one can see, no matter what the book actually is.
People like these(in the article) are also the reason I havn’t been on a single chat forum since I was in middle school
August 4th, 2009 at 6:46 am
Your best yet. Nice one Bucholz.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:37 am
That was genius!
August 4th, 2009 at 6:27 am
This is my new favorite Bucholz article.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:22 am
I really wish those forum users were real so i could have another reason to despise twilight fans but people are saying you made it all up…so…that was pretty convincing lmao
Says something when the creation of fictional fans perfectly fits what you expect them to be like
August 4th, 2009 at 6:18 am
http://www.robertpattinson.me/twilight.html
August 4th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Haha, GREAT article. Epic freaking win.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:17 am
wow!!!
August 4th, 2009 at 6:16 am
Great article, one of the funniest I’ve read recently! Keep up the good work!
August 4th, 2009 at 6:14 am
We are doomed if this is what the latest generation is going to grow up like.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:14 am
Wow, reading through the community sections was painful. I applaud you for this.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:13 am
Hey, if it’ll make more of these ‘tards starve to death because they don’t want to log off, I’m for it.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:12 am
first article i ever read on here. brilliant. im afraid i set myself up for failure reading future articles.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Tollum: I don’t think chicken sandiwhhchs are sexy???
LoveHamster: shutup they r
SweetBologna: I am thinking about chicken sandwich right now.
I screamed with laughter at that! funniest thing ever
August 4th, 2009 at 6:06 am
What happened to ChauncyDragon!?
August 4th, 2009 at 6:05 am
Am I the only one who finds it creepy that a 40 something year old dude is hanging out on these forums? I mean, he had to be at least 40, if he caught the Secret to My Success references….
And he’s apparently their leader or something? Jesus, the internet is a scary place.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:04 am
Loved ittttttt!
August 4th, 2009 at 5:58 am
But, pretty funny article
August 4th, 2009 at 5:57 am
Anyone knows the actual chatroom?
August 4th, 2009 at 5:57 am
Attn: all those who commented about the people in the forums. Are you all really that poor at comprehension to realise that Bucholz made this whole thing up and he never went to a forum? It’s called fiction.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:52 am
Well fucking done. xD
August 4th, 2009 at 5:51 am
Dear god that was perfect. A winrar is you!
August 4th, 2009 at 5:47 am
And “SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS” is from Futurama, you guys. I’ve been saying it for years.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:45 am
“popular” “website” lol
August 4th, 2009 at 5:42 am
Great Job! That just made my day
August 4th, 2009 at 5:41 am
holy zombie jesus is borrowed from futurama…. although still a phrase that is criminally underused… along with sweet zombie jesus…. which is i think the actual futurama line:)…….
August 4th, 2009 at 5:40 am
I want you to be the mother of my children.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:36 am
forgot to mention: This is dongtacular.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:31 am
Hilarious, I rarely comment on articles (although I am an avid reader) but this one cracked me up. I remember the old days of BBSing when I was a teen and this “transcript” could have been taken from any regular stream.
Keep up the good work.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:31 am
Okay, now i can say something having read it: Good job, Bucholz (lol, BucholzMuffins). Student project, yeah, i bet it’ll never see the light of day. Also, just a question but why does everyone believe MMO players to be ’sweaty, pale and pathetic?’ Tired of hearing it. In some cases it’s true, but just tired of hearing it.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:27 am
Personally, I would welcome a Twilight MMO. As a sweaty, pale nerd I believe I could easily exploit the game and rise to a position of power quickly. This would allow to to harass Twilight fans without being booted off their forums, and when my werewolf makes his way into the vampire training area and repeatedly rapes them may their love for Twilight might be forever sullied.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:25 am
“How did you know I was going to ask you to steal this?” I asked. DOB stared at me blankly, the concept of needing a reason to steal unfamiliar to him.
I’m so stealing this for some of my future writings.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:23 am
KingV: You hurt your hand slapping the screen, didn’t you?
August 4th, 2009 at 5:20 am
Great article.
The people on those forums are freaks, go out and date for christ sake altough they could probaly only marry a werewolf (Twilight law) so bearded grannies are well in with a chance with twilight fans.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Oof…Now I have some idea of what my mom (named Dolores) felt like after she read the fifth Harry Potter book. GavinOwnsABoat is quite possibly the worst representation of Gavinism I have ever seen.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:15 am
YES. YES MR. BUCHOLZ YES.
I love the real-life interludes.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:14 am
If that GavinOwnsABoat douche can IP ban you, he must be a mod. What kind of mod lets the worms of a forum throw him out? This was an excellent article.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:13 am
Fun article
August 4th, 2009 at 5:13 am
“I will angryface you right in the fucking ass. I am so pissed off I don’t even care what that implies.”
that is the best line ive ever read in cracked.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:12 am
That has to be one of the saddest things I have read in a long time. However, I don’t see the need for you to act like an asshole at every opportunity, just let the content speak for itself. Most of them are probably stupid kids (except for that one person who caught on to your movie reference) who in a few years time will go, “What the hell was I thinking?”
August 4th, 2009 at 5:10 am
Is this real?
seriously are these real dialogues on the forum?
August 4th, 2009 at 5:09 am
Haha, this was hilarous, my office thinks I am a freak for trying to swallow my snickers. Thanx
August 4th, 2009 at 5:06 am
hold on, i didn’t even read this yet, but once i read the title part ‘rumored Twilight MMO’ i nearly had a heart attack! My god, if nothing else this abomination will (hopefully) run out of money/support when the fanatacism ends.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:05 am
I actually laughed out loud. Twilight-bashing is becoming like airplane food jokes, but this article still makes it funny, in no small part due to the DOB/Jack cameos (the Prince poster is awesome).
August 4th, 2009 at 5:04 am
Thank whatever heavenly powers there are that the ‘Twilight” MMO will probably never happen! I already know too many people who are obsessed with the books and giving them an MMO is like giving the apocalypse permission to end the world. I can’t believe I actually used to be a Twilight fan! But now I see it for what it really is: a piece of crap series with great potential for parodying and hating.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:02 am
Awesome article, and Ben is right: HOLY ZOMBIE JESUS is definitely the best phrase to come out of this site yet (I know “dongtacular” is a popular one, but this one has ZOMBIES!!!).
Thanks for starting off my morning well!
August 4th, 2009 at 5:02 am
If there were a twilight MMO I’d have to play.
I’d pay for it, I’d play it, just to attempt to heckle twilight fans.
Of course, there’d be the “Cyber Fake-Out” that will go horribly awry. You know, make a girl character, lure some male character into a sexual escapade, divulge that you have a penis moments before anything happens, and then be completely horrified the moment that they don’t have a problem with that.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:01 am
Brilliant piece of work, funny as hell.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:55 am
I will tell you this. The last part made me laugh so hard. It doesn’t matter what the MMO is people find a way on the Internet to mix sex into it. I played a game long ago called Motor City Online…
Now a racing game made by EAgames… You built and raced cars doesn’t get more nonsexual then that… Yeah til you are in a random chat room one day looking for a race and a guy is talking about a Pontiac GTO humping a Convertible Mustang and many people in the room actually getting into it….
The Internet is sex You could put a newborn baby on the web or a slotted spoon.. People will find a way to fuck it..
August 4th, 2009 at 4:52 am
Fucking gold article!
August 4th, 2009 at 4:49 am
ABSOLUTELY ASSPOUNDINGLY DONGTACULAR… in a good way
August 4th, 2009 at 4:43 am
you are a HERO the fact you lasted 3 times on a twilight forum is phenomonal. since i’m british i knight you sir badass motherfucker
August 4th, 2009 at 4:37 am
Great Bucholz… But what site is this? I wanna fuck with these twilight turds.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:36 am
Hah! Offended! I’m not offended! This article contains nothing that could offend me!…
“…lot’s of questions are raised…”
OH DEAR GOD THE APOSTROPHE MISUSE
August 4th, 2009 at 4:35 am
Is it all real? People really act like that?
And that motivational poster is awesome, I’d hang it in my office if I had a job. Great article.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:30 am
Awesome article man! -atempting to high five Bucholz-
August 4th, 2009 at 4:30 am
HOLY ZOMBIE JESUS
I believe that phrase will soon enter the english vernacular haha well done sir
August 4th, 2009 at 4:28 am
I couldn’t breathe throughout. This put you up there with DOB in my opinion.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:25 am
read this in the staff lounge at my job. thanks for making me appear to be a grinning, giggling retard! also, tell me the concept of a twilight MMO was made up SOLELY for this article. please. seriously. tell me….
August 4th, 2009 at 4:22 am
I actually laughed til i cried. great success Bucholz.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:18 am
I laughed, so I obviously thought this was funny. But, while reading this, my leg started spasming uncontrollably. What does this mean?
(the leg spasming started at the “-lifts her leg up and wraps it around Gavin’s thigh-” part and continued on until the “harry pooper”…umm…insult? Does this help any?)
August 4th, 2009 at 4:15 am
If it gets these people out of City of Heroes I’ll fund the damn thing.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:15 am
Again, I’m worried by the sheer amount of Twilight content on cracked, but I must agree w/ you… GavinOwnsABoat is a bit of a dick.