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The 8 (Literally) Shittiest Jobs Of All Time



In the 1600’s, violin strings were made by ripping out a sheep’s intestines, squeezing the feces out of them like chunky toothpaste, and then doing a bunch of other unsavory stuff that isn’t worth any music that’s ever been played on the violin. And that guy had it good. Behold, jobs from ages past that make yours look like you’re employed as firework tester for Natalie Portman’s all-you-can-eat space buffet and sex station.

#8.
Arming Squire

Job Description: The Arming Squire was a knight’s caddy, personal assistant, and bitch all rolled into one. They’d haul his gear, clean his equipment, clap his coconut halves together, and jot down important dates like the next scheduled battle with the Saxon Hordes.

So Where Does the Poop/Pee Come in?

One of the Arming Squire’s main duties (pun definitely intended) was to clean the knight’s armor after a battle. Aside from the expected sweat, blood, and stubborn grass stains, this included scooping out and rubbing down the inside of the suit, which, if it had been a particularly long or frightening battle, or if your knight ate bad Mexican food the night before or was a huge dick, often contained a special “overtime bonus.” Knights it seems, like astronauts, have more important things to do than locate a toilet when their pants are literally right there.

Qualifications:

  • You passionately desire to serve your country on the front lines of battle, but without all of the glory and heroism.
  • You possess basic diaper changing ability.

    • Perks:

  • If you survive the five year process of running into battles to replace broken armor pieces for your knight, then you get to become a knight yourself and start the whole horrible process over again with some poor sap. Yes, Senior hazing is really that old.
  • The poop in the armor was traditionally cleaned out with a mix of vinegar, sand, and pee, which anyone would admit is a huge step up.
    • #7.
    Fuller

    Job Description: The Fuller was one of the first people in the process of turning sheared wool into usable cloth. Their job was to take all of the sheep-grease out of the matted bales of fur and turn it into pads of downy soft cotton fluff for later spinning and weaving. Which, aside from the aforementioned sheep-grease, doesn’t sound nearly as revolting as it actually is.

    So Where Does the Poop/Pee Come in?

    The preferred method for removing said by-products from the wool was by soaking it in a giant tub of urine for two hours. And not just any urine, either: two week-old urine giving off ammonia fumes with eyebrow-searing ferocity. And guess what? Those babies couldn’t just plain soak; they needed constant mixing to get the job done. So hike up your pantaloons, hop into the vat, and prepare to stomp what may once have been wine. If you throw up in the vat, they dock you. If you stomp too long or not long enough and mess up the wool, they dock you. If you pass out from the fumes and collapse into the vat, you drown in human urine, then they dock you.

    Qualifications:

  • You’ve watched that one episode of I Love Lucy a thousand times, and every time you wish Ethel would just let loose and flood the vat with mother’s own lemonade.

  • You pee in the bath.
  • You don’t care if hair ever grows on your legs below the knee ever, ever again.

    • Perks:

  • You may be knee-deep in old urine and animal grease all day, but at least the prolonged exposure to ammonia fumes will ensure your life is a short one.
  • Your legs are preemptively guarded against all manner of jellyfish sting.
    • #6.
    Gong Farmer

    Job Description: Pretty straightforward really. A Gong Farmer’s job was quite simply to go around to all of the city’s gong repositories and collect the gong, haul it outside city limits, and dump it, so that gong wouldn’t overflow into any waterways or streets. They also got to go into the city’s subterranean plumbing system to locate blockages of compacted gong and break them apart, allowing the system to flow freely. This could be done with a hatchet, bare hands, or, if one was feeling dramatic, a flying side kick. They even got a horse to help them cart the gong around. Yes, they were the masters of all things gong, repositories of ancient gong lore and heirs apparent to the kingdom of gong.

    So Where Does the Poop/Pee Come in?

    Gong means poop.

    Qualifications:

  • You either own a stick, can get your hands on one, or don’t mind punching through walls of solid poop.
  • You have no nose or gag reflex.
  • You know lots of good empty spots outside of town that could use some fertilizing.

    • Perks:

  • Since you constantly stink of gong and are ostracized by “the day dwellers,” you get to work night hours when everyone’s sleeping, allowing you to play whatever music you want, talk to your horse, and even smoke jays on the job, none of which makes up for the sadness of your life in any way whatsoever.
    • #5.
    Tanner

    Job Description: To our modern world, a Tanner is simply a member of a well-adjusted family living and loving in 1980’s San Francisco. But back in the day, the tanner was the guy who made leather goods out of animal hides. And he made them, as you should have by now come to expect, through the most horrifyingly disgusting means imaginable. Step one involved days on end stripping the hides of all the animal chunks still clinging on, and then dissolving the hair off with lime or, in a pinch, urine. Step two involved weeping for many hours, and sending your children to the nearest village to enlist in the military.

    So Where Does the Poop/Pee Come in?

    In order to remove the lime from the animal hides and get them leathery soft, Tanners kneaded them in a mixture of water and dog feces for hours on end. Like the Fuller, they did this with their bare feet, so as to not ruin their new K-Swiss running shoes. “Those kicks gotta stay ballin’ yo,” the Tanner would often cry, just before dipping his feet into dog shit. Of course, as tanneries were relegated to the outskirts of town due to the overwhelming stench of rotting flesh and poo, no one but their own bitter regrets would answer.

    Qualifications:

  • You own a pair of K-Swiss running shoes which you would like to keep pristine.
  • You’ve got a wife with enough love or lack of self esteem to launder your thrice-soiled clothes each night.
  • You’ve got a hookup for large amounts of dog feces (see below).

    • Perks:

  • As unsavory as the work is, you’re providing the community a valuable service, for which they will repay you by forcing you to live in the poorest districts and shrieking whenever you wander too close to their homes.
  • You can bathe as irregularly as you want and no one will really care, or notice.
    • #4.
    Pure Collector

    Job Description: The Pure Collector was the Tanner’s best friend, although any respectable Tanner would refuse any but the slightest social contact with him. Why so chummy? Because the Pure Collector was the one person the Tanner got to look down on, as well as his source of precious, precious dog feces.

    So Where Does the Poop/Pee Come in?

    Pretty much right away. The Pure Collector spent most of his time on his hands and knees, roaming the city, trying to sniff out piles of animal excrement. When they found a mother lode, they’d scramble to grab up as much as they could fit into their pockets and a filthy knapsack, like the worst Double Dare physical challenge ever. Then it was off to the Tanner’s to hock their poop, loudly reminding everyone along the way that they collected “Pure” for a living. Yep, they’re just off to sell a steaming load of fine, top-quality Pure. Sorry guy, but it’s going to take a lot more PR to make people forget that you’re a human pooper-scooper.

    Qualifications:

  • The inability to make a living in any other fashion whatsoever, including prostitution, begging, the auctioning off of valuable organs, begging prostitutes, and the auctioning off of valuable prostitute organs.
  • Hands.
  • A sack you’re not too fond of.

    • Perks:

  • After a while, you get to know all the city “hot spots” for cat poop, and it takes a lot of the work out of it.
  • You’re extremely unlikely to be pickpocketed, and even if you are, the joke’s kind of on them.
  • Your encyclopedic knowledge of the various types, varieties, and consistencies of dog and cat feces makes you an ideal candidate for judging a pet excretion pageant, should one ever come to exist.
    • #3.
    Salpetre Man

    Job Description:More of a criminal enterprise than a career, the Saltpetre Man was someone who took it upon themselves to invade homes, churches, and public buildings to forcibly liberate a key ingredient in the manufacture of Saltpetre, and, in turn, gunpowder.

    So Where Does the Poop/Pee Come in?

    That ingredient would be human urine. And to get it, the Saltpetre Man would go to any length: forced entry, blackmail, extremely awkward muggings, surgical pickpocketing, even disguising themselves as a public chamber pot. And while none of that is true, at least it lends an air of romance to a job that was basically black market pee selling.

    Qualifications:

  • A deep understanding of espionage and the desire to put that knowledge to work for the community.
  • Some jars, or at least cupped hands and a quick and steady gait.

    • Perks:

  • You and the Pure Collector represent a perfect yin-yang of disgust collection.
  • As much as they may protest when you break into their homes, most folks really don’t care when you steal their pee.
  • By driving the gunpowder trade forward, you’re contributing to the deaths of thousands of people who likely find you repugnant, so fuck them anyway.
    • #2.
    Mud Lark

    Job Description: Mud Larks were most commonly very small children, who, too weak to pitch in at one of the many workhouses around the city, and still slightly too young to have their testicles chopped off to aid their singing, helped their families by searching the muddy banks of the river for bits of coal, metal, and leather scraps to sell in town.

    So Where Does the Poop/Pee Come in?

    The “muddy banks” of the river was usually one of the primary outlets of the city’s sewage system, meaning that mud pies and stagnant puddles were man-made as often as they were natural. Wading through in bare feet and rags, the happy tykes would stumble upon useful hidden treasures like shards of broken glass, nails, rotting animals, and actual larks, who would attack them ferociously for daring to invade their sacred shit-bog. Thankfully, a few pecks to the eyes would generally teach the little brats some manners.

    Qualifications:

  • Either no parents or parents who are employed primarily as Pure Collectors.
  • Eyesight, or, failing that, the ability to tell when a shard of glass has become embedded in your foot.
  • A tattered copy of Great Expectations to put confused hope into your tiny, near-illiterate heart.

    • Perks:

  • You only have to work when the tide is low, giving you plenty of time to contract Tetanus, starve, and cravenly steal from the other kids.
  • It’s like Summer Vacation every day of the year! Pool Party!
    • #1.
    Groom of the Stool

    Job Description: The Groom of the Stool’s got at least one up on everyone else on this list, as he’s technically a nobleman. That said, the Groom of the Stool is Nobility the way circus peanuts are a candy. His official job is to make sure that the King’s chamber pot is always clean and free of “occupants” when the King wants to make butt decrees.

    So Where Does the Poop/Pee Come in?

    I’ll bet you thought that the chamber pot stuff was the gross bit. Buddy, you ain’t read nothing yet. In addition to polishing the Royal throne, the Groom of the Stool was in charge of wiping the King’s Royal ass. Qualifications: Why the King couldn’t do it himself is a mystery only until you realize that in Medieval times, paper was too much of a luxury to be used for something as frivolous as ass-wipery. And apparently lacking shells, leaves, soft rocks, or any sense of decency, the people of the day sagely chose the hand as the favored wiping implement. Thus the Groom of the Stool’s chief job was the fondling of another man’s stew.

  • You want a title, and you genuinely don’t care what it is.
  • Your hands are smooth, disease-free, and well-suited to scraping.
  • You’re able to master the delicate art of conversing normally while wiping a man’s ass with your hands.

    • Perks:

  • Unless the King’s got dysentery, you’re only called for work once or twice a day.
  • You’re in a prime position to assassinate the Head of State should a motive ever arise.
  • Such an act would have special poignancy because of the inclusion of the words “ass” and “ass” in “assassinate.”

    • When not writing for Cracked, Michael works in the relatively feces-free position of head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

    Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim

    This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 20th, 2008 at 9:30 am and is filed under Butt-Babies, Dung, Feces, Gong, Poop, Pure, Shit. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

    Leave a Reply

    157 Responses to “The 8 (Literally) Shittiest Jobs Of All Time”

    1. Tibetan Says:
      October 7th, 2009 at 2:47 pm

      there was a British tv show called the Worst Jobs In History which covered all of the above jobs, with the addition of Tony Robinson’s awesomeness. It’s still a fun article, but it would have been nice if you could just have offered a link to the TV show.

    2. 07/10/09 – History Links of the Day - The End is Coming Says:
      October 7th, 2009 at 2:37 am

      [...] AND AS FOR THE LIGHTER SIDE: Cracked.com’s “The 8 (Literally) Sh***iest jobs in History” – The medieval ages was just rife with job opportunities involving urine and feces collection. (Link) [...]

    3. Ganache Says:
      October 1st, 2009 at 5:06 pm

      Lol, Demolition Man?

      Also, I don’t know why the “tiny, near illiterate heart” thing was so funny.

      Interesting stuff!

    4. Amanda Says:
      September 21st, 2009 at 6:39 pm

      They should teach this in school.

    5. rlrsk8r1 Says:
      September 17th, 2009 at 2:56 pm

      You know, I think if I were the Groom of the Stool, I would incorporate a specialized spoon…

    6. Today’s Super Cool Drunk Links | What Entertains You?!? - Entertainment. Hotties. Cars. Gadgets. Videos. Guy Stuff.... Says:
      September 14th, 2009 at 11:01 pm

      [...] The 8 (Literally) Shittiest Jobs Of All Time [...]

    7. bobjones Says:
      September 14th, 2009 at 1:14 pm

      I teach English as a second language, and have actually used this article during multiple lessons.
      Is that wrong?

    8. The Sh*ttiest Jobs Of All Time (Literally) : COED Magazine Says:
      September 13th, 2009 at 9:44 am

      [...] Sh*ttiest Jobs Of All Time (Literally) September 13, 2009 - 10:00 am By COED Staff • The Shittiest Jobs Of All Time [...]

    9. Fawkes Says:
      September 11th, 2009 at 2:40 pm

      I think I just laughed up my spleen. you assholes! I have about 17 people staring at me wondering why I’m laughing now.

    10. Michaelx Says:
      September 8th, 2009 at 6:22 am

      Crap-on! An excremental treatease! Since the biggest commodity is human effluvia, we could all become rich just crapping all day!
      Swaim is a true purveyor of booty-lishisness.

    11. Casper Says:
      September 8th, 2009 at 6:10 am

      My friend recommend me a very nice place
      ________ W e a l t h y S o c i a l . C O M_________ .It is the best dating club for seeking the rich singles, beauties and even hot celebs..what’s the most important is:you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one. I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy. –__–@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

    12. Loverdead Says:
      September 8th, 2009 at 6:01 am

      Wanna find your sexy partner easier and more effective?? Check out: http://tinyurl.com/Hotdater —where you can meet the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. What are you waiting for? Find your sexy partner NOW! :-) You will love it!

    13. jblue Says:
      September 8th, 2009 at 4:30 am

      Correction: Ethel was never in the grape vat in that episode of “I Love Lucy”….it was only Lucy and some Italian lady.

    14. BEAVER Says:
      September 8th, 2009 at 3:51 am

      S eriously,
      W hy copy
      A nother
      I ndividual’s
      M aterial?

      You’re better than that, Michael!

    15. thomjah Says:
      September 8th, 2009 at 3:25 am

      Well, Groom of the Stool wasn’t THAT bad. If there was no toilet paper, and everyone used their bare hands to wipe, it was disgusting no matter what. It isn’t such a leap from wiping yourself with a hand to wiping someone else.

    16. Dean Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 11:17 pm

      Couldn’t help but notice the misplace of “QUALIFICATIONS”
      Otherwise, a relatively enjoyable read. Though I think SWAIM has done MUCH better in the past.

      Keep em coming man, much respect to you!

    17. Lagomorph Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 10:39 pm

      Good shit.
      A slight misplacement of the “Qualifications” subheading. And also, for some reason when I’m reading this article, I’m logged in as “” (blank), so I’m commenting as a “guest”.
      But good shit.
      Really, quality excrement.
      And a nice article too.

    18. Warco Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 10:28 pm

      You had me at “sacred shit-bog”. Full of win!

    19. Links to get you through the day « The Mug Rack Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 9:58 pm

      [...] Your job can’t be this crappy [...]

    20. LadyW Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 7:35 pm

      The Groom of the Stool was actually considered prestigious, since only the most trusted would be allowed near the Henry VIII’s person. His really fat, extremely carnivorous person. I’ll bet he needed more then one stool break a day, if you know what I mean.

    21. joelove3345 Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 5:33 pm

      *********************************I recommend you a great millionaire dating site___________________S e e k R i c h . C O M___________It is said Charlie Sheen found his love last year on that site.Just do it as soon as possible!GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

    22. Fuckaccounts Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 5:08 pm

      I just got one thing to say (well three things); the royal penis is clean your highness.

    23. Brock Danger Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 3:17 pm

      Nice work covertly putting the Demolition Man reference in there. And “A tattered copy of Great Expectations to put confused hope into your tiny, near-illiterate heart.” is epic, I blew faderade out all three nostrils.

    24. makefunofmyfriends.com Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 1:42 pm

      I wanna be a mud lark!

    25. USA1977 Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 11:57 am

      i love the last perk
      Such an act would have special poignancy because of the inclusion of the words “ass” and “ass” in “assassinate.”
      xD

      you’re my favourite writer on here.

    26. Mandy Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 11:32 am

      Who cares!!! My boyfriend thinks the same with me. He is eight years older than me, lol. We met online at __AgegapMingle.com__ a nice place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Maybe you wanna check out.

    27. DAS Mustafah Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 11:14 am

      Classic Swaim

    28. LAME Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 10:53 am

      “Tony Robinson has set out to investigate life in the underbelly of History… Whether it’s swilling out the crotch of a knight’s soiled armour after the battle of Agincourt, risking his neck on a bleak cliff collecting guillemont eggs or as ‘Groom of the Stool’ going to places where none of Henry VIII’s six wives would venture - Tony endures it all to get to the bottom (quite literally) of the story… The Gunpowder Plot draws Tony to the role of the ‘Saltpetre man’ who collected human waste for its nitrate content to turn into gunpowder…Tony Robinson brings Gong Scourers, Pure collectors and Resurrection Men blinking into the limelight to provide a vivid and alternative history of Britain”

      Somebody should rip that series off and writean article about it…

    29. MakeFunTeam Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 10:40 am

      Check out our new site: http://makefunofmyfriends.com
      because your friends are !@#$% IDIOTS!

    30. SwaimIsGreat Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 10:15 am

      Effin’ are you guys retarded? It says right in the link you clicked to get you to this page: “Labour Day rerun.” Wtf did you think that meant?

    31. wunder Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 10:08 am

      Grade A plagiswaimism

    32. Terf Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 9:40 am

      Saltpetre men werent illegal to a point…after all the government needed gunpowder as much as anyone else.

    33. njorky mcnjorkenstein Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 9:14 am

      is this a rerun or am i just having a really long deja vu?

    34. Xelrath Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 8:24 am

      waaaiiit…didnt you already submit that one Oo? i have read this article before.

    35. Scuzgob Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 7:47 am

      The gong fellers were apparently well respected because of the important function they served. Nobody went near them, or touched them, or wanted to talk to them. But they were respected.

      Because if you didn’t respect them your house had the uncanny ability to fill with shit

    36. skittle_muffins Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 7:45 am

      haha another awesome article >.<

      yaay!

    37. BigtallOliver Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 7:27 am

      This is a great news!! so, for celebration, I want to recommend you lonely guys who hate lonely nights a great online club to meet your activity partner, romance and lover, either for heat or passion: http://Tallconnect.com the most popular place for hot modelss, handsome men meet and mingle! u might be surprise what u end up with!!LOL :-)

    38. kom Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 7:08 am

      Whoa man, what kind of karma do you have to have to end up as a groom of the stool?

    39. peter Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 7:06 am

      Hey guys:
      Nice list of shittyist jobs ever. Looks like someone read Tony robinson’s worst jobs in history. The” position” of royal butt wiper was only used by Henery the Eighth. The rason, the fool went and got himself injured in a Jousting tournament. Aterer that, He coulden’t do anything he liked to do before. Like chase young women or wipe his own butt.
      A+ for history and rewording Tony’’s work

      Peter

    40. Becca Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 7:00 am

      After seeing what some jobs involve, i love my life. =)

    41. UpsetGoldfish Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 6:27 am

      The two asses in Assassinate make that job oh so worthwhile.

      Maybe they did have paper, just not the comfy soft 3 ply style, just those cheap brands from mainland china made with the bark of banyan trees. Or horsehair. Or some shit.

      What do i know, i’m just a Squire :P

    42. Johnny Watson Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 5:52 am

      OMgosh dude thats the funiest thing I ever seen! Well done!

      Rip
      http://www.privacy-web.pl.tc

    43. Hbuttan Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 5:48 am

      Well, I’m quite amazed that the Groom of the Stool did not become a victim of the clbuttic incident.

      Let me elaborate:
      “Such an act would have special poignancy because of the inclusion of the words “ass” and “ass” in “assassinate.””
      would become
      Such an act would have special poignancy because of the inclusion of the words “butt” and “butt” in “buttbuttinate.”

      Clbuttic!

    44. Jediknight437 Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 5:40 am

      Swaim, you are awesome. Great funny article!

    45. Mr. Flangetastesgood Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 5:23 am

      Tony Robinson, anyone? LOL! But twas a cool article. My uncle, Wee Jock Poopong McPlop, is the greatest Pure Collector aberdeen has ever known, I’ll have you know.

    46. Kali Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 5:20 am

      Good article.

    47. EssDub Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 5:19 am

      Now this just makes my job at the Natalie Portman’s all-you-can-eat space buffet and sex station seem that much sweeter.

    48. GoreTaco Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 5:09 am

      I’d disembowel 500 sheep to hear a good concerto.

    49. adhd Says:
      September 7th, 2009 at 4:58 am

      and why the hell is McDonalds not on this list lmao

    50. Sunday Says:
      December 16th, 2008 at 3:23 am

      After this I love my life.

    51. Ninjaman Says:
      November 25th, 2008 at 8:48 pm

      Firster

    52. likeitloveitgottahaveit Says:
      November 25th, 2008 at 3:18 am

      “The best way to get the ear of the king is to pass him his morning chamber pot.” Thus we can can only assume that it was some pissed off “groom of the stool” who started the crusades.

    53. RedBaron Says:
      November 24th, 2008 at 3:39 pm

      Thus the phrase: I wipe my ass with my left hand and blow my nose with the right hand.

    54. Hayden Dekok Says:
      October 4th, 2008 at 9:48 am

      First!

    55. Bear Says:
      October 3rd, 2008 at 2:01 pm

      Hey. Don’t play like you wouldn’t wipe a man’s ass for the right cash. I’d do it if the right amount of dollars were behind it.

    56. Matt Says:
      August 26th, 2008 at 2:05 am

      I wanna read some old isssues of CRACKED while i poop! 1) scan some old CRACKEDs
      2) upload in CBR form 3)I will download onto my PSP 4) I get to enjoy them whilst i poop!
      START SCANNING OLD CRACKEDs ALREADY! SHEESH!

    57. MasterPC Says:
      August 25th, 2008 at 9:39 pm

      I like how the blog digg links don’t exist, but the ones on the main site do.

      CONSPIRACY

    58. glendoor42 Says:
      August 25th, 2008 at 1:43 am

      100th!!!!!!!!! What do I win?

    59. MasterPC Says:
      August 23rd, 2008 at 3:34 pm

      Look at this article. It’s just another Cracked article, right? A numbered list, horrible but fun facts, picture puns, and a link proudly displaying the 1000+ diggs…

      wait a minute. Why the fuck is it at 120? Oh, because it was written, not by the forum cultists, but by an ACTUAL WRITER. One who can’t spam his own article with 1000+ diggs. I SEE

    60. J-Pappi Says:
      August 23rd, 2008 at 10:08 am

      High 5 Glendoor; you gotta do what you gotta do in the drunken wee hours.

    61. glendoor42 Says:
      August 22nd, 2008 at 5:00 pm

      I’ve eaten worse Waffle House waitresses.

    62. J-Pappi Says:
      August 22nd, 2008 at 4:15 pm

      What’s so bad about shit? I’ve eaten worse at Waffle House at 3 a.m.

    63. Jenna_Tullwortz Says:
      August 22nd, 2008 at 3:21 pm

      Hey, Classy, I’ll do it but it’d be best of you kept your eyes closed as I tend to be gassy and that causes splattering.

    64. kingmonkey, kung-fu shark killer Says:
      August 22nd, 2008 at 2:00 pm

      See, that’s why we like you, classybroad; you’re so damned elegant and refined.

    65. classybroad Says:
      August 22nd, 2008 at 12:44 pm

      “You’re extremely unlikely to be pickpocketed, and even if you are, the joke’s kind of on them. ” hahahah SHIT. I’m german and this is still not even near enticing to me. I just wish for once that someone would shit on MY chest. :( HAHHA. go to hell.

    66. boredeveryday@work Says:
      August 22nd, 2008 at 9:15 am

      I almost was fired while reading the “Pure Collector” section for almost leaving ‘pure’ on my office chair while laughing intensely as my VP walked by.

    67. glendoor42 Says:
      August 22nd, 2008 at 8:49 am

      “kingmonkey, zombie wrestler” What ? Did you have a date?

    68. DanteMustDie Says:
      August 22nd, 2008 at 8:45 am

      Are you there, Kodiak?

    69. kingmonkey, zombie wrestler Says:
      August 22nd, 2008 at 7:49 am

      I’m a little surprised no one took the bait and compared Full House to a steaming puddle of liquid shit. I’m proud of you all for taking the high road.

    70. Veiko Says:
      August 22nd, 2008 at 5:46 am

      As far as arming squires job went, when the nkight said his spearhead needed polishing, it could mean two things:
      1) Business end of a lance or similar sharp-pointed thrusting weapon had been corroded by the elements and needed urgent maintenance to prevent further decay
      2) It’s time for cock-meat sandwitch, baby!

    71. glendoor42 Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 11:28 pm

      Uh,…….First!!!!!

      Actually the Natalie Portman rap is pretty good.

    72. Res_Ipsa Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 10:17 pm

      @ ChojinRa: For some reason I just can’t picture Natalie Portman rapping, and clicking on the link might just shut my brain down for good.

      @ Amorous Monkey Ruler: Damn, you beat me to it!

    73. Res_Ipsa Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 10:15 pm

      @ Davo, SickBoy, and Kit Kat:

      Welcome to Cracked.com.

      May your apparent first visit be your last.

      You know what I hate? The PMS-ing D-bags who complain about reading the “First!” comments even though it happens every fucking time. Either get used to it and shut the fuck up, or go to another site. It’s harmless and if you’re annoyed by it, you really need to use that pent up anger to rant about something that actually matters. (Like Monsieur Swaim’s attempt to sway us into accepting canine rapetude (or is it “rapitude”?) by trashing poor, bigoted Mormon SF writers.)

      In simple terms: D-bag level of ranting about someone having the sheer audacity of posting “First!” > D-bag level of taking two seconds to actually post “First!”

      First!

    74. natecooper.net » Blog Archive » The 8 Shittiest Jobs Of All Time Literally Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 9:09 pm

      [...] Another amusing article From Cracked.com. [...]

    75. Agnes Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 8:08 pm

      You fail to mention the profession of nurse. Let me tell you from grim personal experience, this is a job with far more than the usual exposure to fecal material in all shapes and sizes. Doctors are sadists who order overdoses of laxatives to prep patients for tests knowing that the nurse will be elbow-deep in the stuff and they will be spared any contact with the stuff. I could tell you about the time…………………………………….

    76. ChojinRa Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 10:41 am

      I think (we) like Natalie Portman because of the brainy factor.

      That, the fact that she can rap ( http://www.hulu.com/watch/1404/saturday-night-live-snl-digital-short-natalie-raps#s-p1-st-i1), and that she’d look just lovely riding me like a cowgirl, contributes to her hotness factor.

    77. Uncle B Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 10:09 am

      Life without trees will be like this. We must start growing hemp immediately. Congressmen are holding back in anticipation of having their asses wiped by some young handmaiden. We need hemp for paper now - to preserve our soft tender hand skins!

    78. cyberwolf Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 9:44 am

      I wouldn’t do any of these jobs even if my only other choice was literally serving as a human toilet during an oputbreak of violent diarrhea

    79. Isshiah Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 9:43 am

      “whats your job?”

      “oh i wipe the kings ass 2 times a day.”

      “???”

      god these jobs are crap. but working as a firework tester at natalie portman’s all-you-can-eat space buffet and sex station does sound awesome! lol

    80. kingmonkey loves you Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 8:36 am

      First!!

    81. hobknobgoblin Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 6:12 am

      I thought playing the gong at a symphony orchestra was great. Now I think it’s just shitty.

    82. Chiyoru Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 5:38 am

      *sigh* As being currently unemployed, I keep saying to anyone with a hook that I’ll take “just about any job available…”. Thanks for finding me a list of jobs that I STILL won’t take, even at my current level of desperation.

      Besides, any job where hands or eyes are optional is a job where I don’t want to have to fraternize with my coworkers… and that’s not even mentioning the poo.

    83. Lauren Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 5:34 am

      this makes me WANT to go to my job… it just doesn’t seem as horrible now

    84. DanteMustDie Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 5:16 am

      @Kodiak

      Well, can you please tell me? It’ll be much appreciated.

    85. LauraJadeth Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 3:56 am

      Ahhh shut up Hayden, this was funny. Have you ever noticed how “Hayden” is just a rip off of the word “Cunt”? Strange coincidence that. Congratulations, you have failed at life.

    86. MJ -89 Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 3:13 am

      A violin will never sound the same.
      I’m not even sure what to say about the rest of the article… I’m really glad they leave that sort of stuff out of movies. A Knight’s Tale probably wouldn’t have been nearly as popular if they’d all been unbathed and soiling themselves.

      Oh and anyone that thinks Natalie Portman isn’t hot is crazy and needs to watch Closer again. (I’m looking at you Res_Ipsa!)

    87. Hayden Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 12:56 am

      This article seems to be a total rip-off of the British seiries “The Worst Jobs In History”

      Fail

    88. Anonymous Says:
      August 21st, 2008 at 12:20 am

      8 Shittiest Jobs Of All Time…

      In the 1600’s, violin strings were made by ripping out a sheep’s intestines, squeezing the feces out of them like chunky toothpaste, and then doing a bunch of other unsavory stuff that isn’t worth any music that’s ever been played on the violin…

    89. Kit Kat Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:50 pm

      I second davo.

    90. w-what? Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:34 pm

      Eight hundred and one!

    91. davo Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:04 pm

      people who write “first” when they are the first to leave a comment are fuckheads

    92. SickBoy Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 9:08 pm

      You know what’s fun? Reading “First!” in every single comments section in every article on the internet. Oh wait, I meant to say that I actually fucking hate it. Being first doesn’t make you win the internet, it means you need to get a job and start making useful contributions to society.

      Also, having included that picture in the #2 (heh, # 2) entry, it’s good to see that although you’re writing an artile about dookie, you still have enough integrity to avoid the obvious and unsavory “2 Children 1 Cup” joke. Good on ya, Swaim.

    93. bunni Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 8:35 pm

      the captions made it :D

    94. Sgt. Buzzkill Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 8:25 pm

      So…much…shit…

      Fuck me…

    95. Vincentius Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 8:11 pm

      Dude, pull your research off of non-English-speaking websites and the crowds won’t call you on the lack of footnotes. Well, the Chilean might. The first two were even in the same order as the BBC. But, you added enough content and funny photos to make it worthwhile.

      Tony Robinson was so funny in Blackadder I nearly kecked my shreddies every episode. That would’ve been a job. Actually the third series should be rerun just to see Hugh Laurie as the ultimate twit/fop - complete 180 from House.

    96. Mckel Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 7:26 pm

      Impressive, all these comments, and no condemnation on the naked kids in the picture.

      How long before some “ethical person” comes in and starts yelling, because they saw that, and the first thing that came to their “ethical mind” was, “SEEEEXXXXX!!!!”

      Could it be that the cracked readerbase is beyond such silly things? That we’ve enlightened ourselves to the point that we can see the human body for what it is, just a physical form, and not inherently sexual in and of itself?

      Or is the average cracked reader’s hard drive so overloaded with much more graphic pics of naked kiddies in infinitely more suggestive poses, that they’ve just become numb to such small time shots?

    97. KateWahlberg Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 6:36 pm

      “Those kicks gotta stay ballin’ yo,”

      If I didn’t know you were white…

    98. LilMoof Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 6:29 pm

      Glad I didn’t read this at lunch!

    99. Melissa Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 5:38 pm

      It’s a shame the stuff is so nasty, it’s actually quite useful!

      Damn Nature, always being a bitch about everything. Vegetables are good for you, but taste icky generally. Cake is terrible for you, but is like visiting Heaven early generally.

      NONSENSE

    100. Frank Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 5:33 pm

      Modern apprentice sumo wrestlers, I understand, are bestowed with the… Duty of wiping their masters’ arses, as the fat fucks can’t reach their own.

    101. plostfu.com Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 5:01 pm

      » The 8 Shittiest Jobs Of All Time (Literally) | Cracked.com…

      The 8 Shittiest Jobs Of All Time (Literally)…

    102. Dark Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 4:45 pm

      Jenna, woman don’t exist on the internet. Get the fuck out.

    103. josie Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 4:44 pm

      I’m so utterly nauseous right now. Yeah..my girlfriend is a CNA and has to change the diaper of an old guy..daily. Anything involving poop and pee is gross. You can’t pay me enough..

    104. The 8 Shittiest Jobs Of All Time (Literally) | I Love to Internet! Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 4:16 pm

      [...] at Denny’s is pretty crappy but here are 8 of the shittiest jobs of all time (literally). Share the [...]

    105. pop pop Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 4:00 pm

      I once worked for an agency that sent caretakers out to homes of the elderly. One job requirement was that they had to be able to massage an elderly person’s anus until they shit. I shit you not.

    106. Jenna_Tullwortz Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 3:56 pm

      Yeah I know it’s dated but I LOVE Absolutely Fabulous. The episode “Poor” almost caused my bladder to explode from laughing so hard and I’d just gotten hooked on the series when the cable company dropped BBC America. Assholes.

    107. Blackrifice Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 3:35 pm

      Awful jobs, just awful. Thanks for reintroducing me to my lunch, Michael Swaim, lol.

    108. Vellocet Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 3:13 pm

      I meant Tony Robinson, not Tony Robbins. Tony Robbins is a giant who motivates people with his teeth or something.

    109. Vellocet Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 3:09 pm

      Even that British show, “The Worst jobs in History” didn’t cover things like groom of the stool or pure collector. Guess Tony Robbins wasn’t willing to demonstrate them.

      There is irony to that, he played Baldrick in the Blackadder series, a character who I think actually did collect feces at some point.

    110. Tori Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 3:09 pm

      WHA? The arming squire cleaned the knight’s armor and his equipment?

    111. Dorsia Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 2:56 pm

      Mike Rowe = amateur

    112. Panzer-Stier Ross Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 2:31 pm

      When you’re trying not to die of plague, war or famine it’s hard to keep personal hygene.

      OR PROTECT THE LITTLE ONES FROM THAT FIREY BALL IN THE SKY!! ARGHHH!

      The ancient Irish Celts actually learned how to heat water for bathing though, even peasants had baths every night.

    113. hellblade Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 2:23 pm

      europe was totally gross back in the medieval times… i believe other cultures trough history were at least “smart enough to disregard their own feces”, as Jules, the bad mo-fo would say.

    114. Panzer-Stier Ross Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 12:57 pm

      Glendoor, if you like that and come across Time Team, thinking as a Tony Robinson historical show it’ll be interesting, don’t watch it. Time Team isn’t remotely interesting, in fact so many Sunday afternoons of my childhood were ruined between that and the overcooked meat my parents tried to pass off as ‘roast.’

      Fucking Sundays.

    115. Tulip Sniper Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 12:51 pm

      “…like the worst Double Dare physical challenge ever.”

      This article is a masterpiece, Say-My-Swaim Say-My-Swaim.

    116. Julia D. Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 12:44 pm

      Thanks you Cracked for yet another valuable lesson - A lot of the stuff I consider “shitty” dosen’t involve nearly enough poop to be refered as such.

      I reckon there are people who make money as dog-walkers. But if you really want to take that as a serious career you’d have to take up “Pure-Collecting 101″.

    117. Sheriff Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 12:42 pm

      “when the King wants to make butt decrees.”…Simply awesome. I will now only make butt decrees.

    118. the_pancake Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 12:36 pm

      None may enter the sacred shit-bog.

    119. glendoor42 Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 12:36 pm

      I watch British TV all the time and have watched just about all the episodes of ” The worst jobs in history” and this article was still pretty funny.Particularly this line ” clap his coconut halves together” and this line” Some jars, or at least cupped hands and a quick and steady gait. ”

      Another good British TV show in a similar vein as Robinson’s show is “What did the Romans
      do for us” and “What did the Victorians do for us”.

    120. JD435 Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 12:26 pm

      Please. ;)

    121. Jenna_Tullwortz Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 12:15 pm

      Great article. From this day hence “The Gong Show” shall now be known as “The Poop Show”.

    122. Wildefire Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 12:13 pm

      “JD435 Says: Yeah, but it would’ve been nice of the writer to hat-tip where he found these jobs in the first place.”

      Aw. You’re Wikipedia’s scat editor, aren’t you? :(

    123. Wildefire Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 12:10 pm

      Upper-left Gong Farmer pic is hawt. Also, why is this a blog post instead of a feature?

    124. Robert Downey Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 12:08 pm

      Hmm, Mud lark looks like fun!

      RD
      http://www.FireMe.To/udi

    125. Panzer-Stier Ross Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 12:03 pm

      The Groom of the Stool had a hell of a lot of power actually. Nobody else, not amongst commoners anyway, were allowed to spend anywhere close to that amount of time with the King, or time as intimite.

      I think collecting his poop in a jewelled, gold-plated bucket probably helped.

    126. Woombie Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:53 am

      @ YeSICU RN

      Yeaaaa you guys do have some pretty shitty work (pun!) But those on the list didn’t have any way of protecting themselves from the infections, diseases, and overall fuckshit nastiness of their jobs. At least you guys have disinfectant, soap, bleach, antibiotics, etc.

    127. YeSICU RN Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:49 am

      You left out ICU Nurses! We clean up copious amounts of bloody stool, infectious diarrhea, measure/dump pee all day, add in manual disimpaction (aka up to your elbows in poor patients backside) and I would wager to say that my job is pretty sh*tty. We deserve a spot on “Dirty Jobs”!!!

    128. Kodiak Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:49 am

      @DanteMustDie

      Yes. Yes, I do.

    129. Emil Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:48 am

      I wonder how textile experts back then arrived to the conclusion that you have to pee on wool and shit on leather to make it proper clothing. I bet they had cleaner methods but just really liked to fuck with people.

    130. Williemonje Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:36 am

      I’m the new guy in the office, and it seem’s that I catch a lot of shit and clean up other peoples messes, does this make me a pure collector or a gong farmer?

    131. Woombie Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:33 am

      @ Molotov101

      True but, sometimes being thought of as that low has its perks! Sure we weren’t worthy of wiping someone’s ass but….we didn’t have to wipe someone’s ass. I see it as a “every shit brown cloud has a pee stained silver lining” kind of thing

    132. Crunchy Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:32 am

      No way in hell I would clean a man’s shit out of his suit. I’d make my night go before we put that shit on . . . How many times a day could that asshole possibly have to go anyway???

      http://www.digitalfuntown.com/showpage.php?showid=6

    133. Robotnik Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:27 am

      “Such an act would have special poignancy because of the inclusion of the words “ass” and “ass” in “assassinate.” Double-LOL :-D

    134. molotov101 Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:25 am

      (my previous was aimed at Woombie btw)

    135. Molotov101 Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:24 am

      on the other side of the coin…you weren’t even worthy of wiping someones ass…kinda sad

    136. DanteMustDie Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:19 am

      *ahem* Does anyone know who the two-towelled lady is in the “#7:Fuller” part?!

    137. timsgm Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:16 am

      who cares if there is a tv show, this article was funny and had me laughing outloud (unfortunately I’m at work)

    138. Woombie Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:08 am

      Hey um this is Cracked.com….do we LOOK like the kind of folk that watch British TV??
      Though I do like Kitchen Nightmares…..
      At this point, I’m kinda glad to be a female because they thought so low of us they wouldn’t have us touch their poop so BOOYAH

    139. kingmonkey loves you Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:07 am

      Swaim, this was an educational lunchtime read. The only problem is that it was a lunchtime read, and I have a vivid imagination.

    140. JD435 Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 11:06 am

      Yeah, but it would’ve been nice of the writer to hat-tip where he found these jobs in the first place.

    141. Cristian Avendaño Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 10:58 am

      Hey! Did you know that there’s a British TV show called “The Worst Jobs in History” that…?
      Come on, guys, knock it off. I liked it, and besides, it’s not that hard picking up the worst jobs that dealt with poop on a dialy basis and then write a funny article about them.
      Saludos desde Chile!

    142. yuma_bill Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 10:52 am

      God damn that was good chuckles. “Sacred shit-bog” hee hee

    143. Hombretones Lawrence Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 10:39 am

      As has been said already, there was a British tv show called the Worst Jobs In History which covered all of the above jobs, with the addition of Tony Robinson’s awesomeness. It’s still a fun article, but it would have been nice if you could just have offered a link to the TV show.

    144. JD435 Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 10:34 am

      Doesn’t take a genius to pick out each job that dealt with shite and bodge an article out of it.

    145. JD435 Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 10:33 am

      Res_Ipsa - Every job mentioned on this list (and a lot more) were covered in the TV show ‘The Worst Jobs In History’, shown on UK Channel 4 and a brief summary of every job mentioned is available online. Coincidential eh?

    146. DanteMustDie Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 10:26 am

      Damn! That’s just freaking terrible. By the way, who’s the two-towelled babe in the Fuller part of the article?

    147. Res_Ipsa Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 10:21 am

      JD435–Did you miss the idea behind the literally crappiest jobs in history? Gold mining may be tough, but it’s not poopy enough (or dog-related enough) for Mr. Swaim.

    148. fragg Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 10:09 am

      I designed the ninja fighting rings on Natalie Portman’s all you can eat space buffet and sex station. My job is the best in the universe!

    149. Dan Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 10:09 am

      #8: They never showed THAT in Sword in the Stone. Damn Disney with their political correctness and sense of decency…

    150. JD435 Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 10:01 am

      Been done. Better.

      http://www.channel4.com/history/microsites/W/worstjobs/

    151. held094 Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 9:59 am

      This is one of the funniest articles and probably most read by child molesters with poop fetishes thats been on cracked for a while. Good job Swaim!

    152. Jack Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 9:56 am

      I agree. Guys only like her for her all you can eat space buffet and sex station.

    153. Res_Ipsa Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 9:52 am

      I gotta say, I never understood why people thought Natalie Portman was hot. She’s merely okay.

    154. historyrepeats Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 9:50 am

      gong means poop

    155. John Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 9:50 am

      oh damn…

    156. John Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 9:50 am

      first!

    157. Res_Ipsa Says:
      August 20th, 2008 at 9:49 am

      First! Vaginaboobpenisvaginamultipliedbytwo!

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