Job Description: The Arming Squire was a knight’s caddy, personal assistant, and bitch all rolled into one. They’d haul his gear, clean his equipment, clap his coconut halves together, and jot down important dates like the next scheduled battle with the Saxon Hordes. So Where Does the Poop/Pee Come in? One of the Arming Squire’s main duties (pun definitely intended) was to clean the knight’s armor after a battle. Aside from the expected sweat, blood, and stubborn grass stains, this included scooping out and rubbing down the inside of the suit, which, if it had been a particularly long or frightening battle, or if your knight ate bad Mexican food the night before or was a huge dick, often contained a special “overtime bonus.” Knights it seems, like astronauts, have more important things to do than locate a toilet when their pants are literally right there. Qualifications:
Job Description: The Fuller was one of the first people in the process of turning sheared wool into usable cloth. Their job was to take all of the sheep-grease out of the matted bales of fur and turn it into pads of downy soft cotton fluff for later spinning and weaving. Which, aside from the aforementioned sheep-grease, doesn’t sound nearly as revolting as it actually is. So Where Does the Poop/Pee Come in? The preferred method for removing said by-products from the wool was by soaking it in a giant tub of urine for two hours. And not just any urine, either: two week-old urine giving off ammonia fumes with eyebrow-searing ferocity. And guess what? Those babies couldn’t just plain soak; they needed constant mixing to get the job done. So hike up your pantaloons, hop into the vat, and prepare to stomp what may once have been wine. If you throw up in the vat, they dock you. If you stomp too long or not long enough and mess up the wool, they dock you. If you pass out from the fumes and collapse into the vat, you drown in human urine, then they dock you.
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