The 7 Stupidest Alibis in the History of Crime

Batman is spoiled. His criminals might be a cowardly, superstitious lot, but at least he gets to match wits with psychotic geniuses. In the real world he wouldn't last a week before realizing that Dark Vengeance is mainly beating up idiots, and deciding to take off his rubberized animal suit and find something more stimulating for a rich man to do at night. Actually, he might keep the suit on.

"OK, this works. Now for the animal suit and the midget with a stepladder. I'll call Penguin."

For every criminal with a 15-step escape plan there are thousands who didn't think they'd be caught, or just didn't think ever. One minute in the future might as well be Atlantis for these idiots, who approached crime with all the subtlety of a drug dealer in a Just Say No skit, and concocted less believable stories than Kim Jong Il's eulogy.

#7. "My cat downloaded all that child pornography."

When police charged Keith Griffin with ten counts of possessing child pornography he explained that his cat did it. So they increased it to a hundred counts, presumably to see if they could possibly make that alibi any less believable. Keith claimed that his felonious feline would sometimes walk across his keyboard and download (over 1,000 highly illegal) things. Which is weird, because even we haven't found any porn called q'wawdsssslnk'ml.

It was a more apocalyptically obvious lie than the Enola Gay claiming they were delivering fireworks. Cats might dominate the bit of the Internet which isn't porn, but we're pretty sure they don't know how to work it -- if they did, we'd be working for them right now. Still, it was a nice touch that even his ridiculous excuse required something that couldn't legally give consent.

One cat isn't exactly infinite monkeys.

It was less believable or sympathetic than Rick Perry in assless chaps. He gave up on this defense during the court case. Understand: This man was standing in a room full of professionally judgmental people for owning the most sickening images in existence, and dropped the cat story because that was making him look bad.

#6. "The alignment in my car is bad."

Christos Kokkalis claimed that the alignment in his car was bad. That's why it was doing double the speed limit and cut across the opposite lane to hit a pedestrian who made a gesture telling him to slow down. Amazingly, when he missed the pedestrian, the car's bad alignment caused it to pull a U-turn, speed back up to the pedestrian to try again, then forced him to leap out and scream, "Let's settle this right now. Meet me back here at 10." Apparently when he said "alignment" he meant "Evil Chaotic." His car was basically Christine.

Why yes, the insurance is a bitch.

We love how his threat proves he can't even get through two sentences without reversing himself. There's also the almost adorable naivete of a 19-year-old male thinking anyone will believe a driving related offense wasn't his fault. It asshole driving at a level that would make even Michael Schumacher shake his head sadly. Hell, KARR couldn't pull that off without his driver at least noticing.

"I don't think orphanages ARE full of 'speed bumps,' KARR."

Luckily Christos is as good at aiming as he is at thinking on the fly, so his pedestrian target was fine. In fact, with this story and the medical benefits of laughter, they're probably healthier than when they started.

#5. "I am a Texas Republican sovereignty."

Justin Wayne Gray was stopped for speeding, rolled down the window and declared "I am Texas Republican sovereignty. I do not recognize this as a legal traffic stop." After double checking that they'd been using the police uniforms and flashing lights that help even the dumbest people recognize them, the cops realized they were dealing with a "sovereign citizen." They think the constitution is a buffet where you can just choose the bits you like, and that the best people to explain this to are armed police officers. Oh, and if you ever want to turn a regular traffic stop into an arrest, now you know what to say.

In case anyone might have sympathy about traffic stops or lunatic fringe groups, Gray was going double the speed limit in a school zone on a suspended license just to make sure people knew he was an asshole. And he was just getting started. He argued that the case should be dismissed because court documents referred to him as JUSTIN WAYNE GRAY, when his name is Justin Wayne Gray. At this point, blind justice would have taken a peek to make sure her punch landed in the most painful place possible.

"No, I'm not putting the sword down first. Did you hear that asshole?"

He filed an "Affidavit of Truth" (which isn't a thing that exists) with ten more arguments, each a flimsier and more inaccurate waste of legal time than the last, before finally invoking the war powers clause of the constitution. Basically, he tried to glitch the legal system with an overflow error, submitting an avalanche of idiotic claims then moving to have the charges dismissed because the court didn't respond to all the claims. Luckily the legal system doesn't just let people off because prosecuting them is too much hassle. The final ruling dealt with every single one of his complaints, but you can smell the burning IQ points it cost the prosecutor on each one.

#4. "Did you see Law and Order last night? It was exactly like that."

One woman decided civilization wasn't downfalling fast enough and copied a crime she saw on TV. When questioned over the disappearance of her 2-year-old daughter, Julia Biryukova recapped the plot of an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, a show that it turns out the police watch. And since the episode had only just aired the night before, the case put a whole new spin on the word "special." Maybe her goldfish brain couldn't remember how the episode ended, but the TV show featured a far better actress and, if it's anything like any other episode, ends with the crook getting caught.

"I'm putting all my money in stocks after watching the first half of Wall Street."

The police checked out her story, making a jerking off motion the whole time. She'd claimed her car ran out of gas so she walked away to get more and when she got back the girl was gone. This was challenged by tiny details like the car still having gas in it, her not buying any at the station she went to and the police not being retarded. She then insisted she was too upset to take a polygraph test, the first case of a polygraph working before it was switched on. You could tell this woman was lying with a dowsing rod because you have to be awake to pick one up.

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Luke McKinney

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