The 7 Most Retarded Criminal Excuses of All Time
As cops love to tell us, they've heard 'em all. They even have standard issue cop cliches to tell you they know you're full of shit, such as "Tell that to the judge, pal" and "Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law."
And then there are those excuses that leave cops unable to muster even a slightly grizzled retort, where the only proper response is uncontrollable laughter. We're talking about excuses like:
#7.
Secret Agent Hobo
The day started like any other day for the Saratoga Police Department: Some transient was drinking in the street and was soundly arrested. Things took a turn, however, when the man claimed to be part of a top secret Australian covert ops unit. We're not sure which secret agency requires you to drink in public and tell the first people you meet all about it, but suspect it's not a very good one. (Also, we would like to humbly submit our resumes for consideration.)
Agent Marshall Cartwright's secret espionage gear included a beer keg, hallucinogenic mushrooms and a wetsuit, perhaps under the assumption that, to catch a drunk, delusional international terrorist, you needed to think like a drunk, delusional international terrorist. He also had a harmonica, because seriously, who doesn't get the blues every once in a while?
Better Excuse:
"Dude, I'm a bum and I've got a keg of beer. What else do you expect me to be doing?"
What Would Be Required for This to Work:
Since Marshall was trying to sell his hobo-beer to passersby, measured out in a jar he happened to have on his person, this would imply that Australia's intelligence community are terribly, terribly underfunded. And crap.
#6.
"She Looks Like the Man Who Turned My Cat Gay"
Jose Correia's cat escaped on October the 27th, and you're about to find out why even an animal that cares for nothing but food and licking its own balls would want to run from the crazy bastard. For his search party, Correia recruited the help of local schoolteacher Anabela Cruz but declined the help of another neighbor, Jose Macedo, on the grounds that the latter was homosexual. And therefore useless at finding pussy.
Can YOU spot the cat? If not, you are a homosexual.
Once he found the cat, to thank everyone for their help, Jose went home, got his Browning 6.35 mm pistol and shot Anabela. If that seems odd, you have to understand that, in fairness to Jose, he thought Anabela, (the schoolteacher), was actually Macedo the (homosexual). Again, in fairness, he also believed that Macedo had buggered his cat thereby converting it to the ways of Sodom, and since he was waving a gun at the time probably managed to make it sound even crazier. When you look at it that way, Macedo's actions don't seem too unreason- What's that? They still do? Even more unreasonable, you say? Huh. Alright then.
Better Excuse:
"Look, I just hate gays, okay? I thought I could somehow spin this whole 'cat thing' into a reasonable excuse, but it sort of got away from me." It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong; the police would have to respect that kind of honesty.
Though, that is, like, the gayest cat we've ever seen.
What Would Be Required for This to Work:
Catching the guy in the act. Cat-rape is one of those cases where hearsay and conjecture just isn't enough. You come home and find some guy squatting on top of a squealing Mister Kittens, then by all means, empty your pistol. But if you want to kill someone you need a better reason than "I have no reason to suspect that he didn't rape my cat. Or, for that matter, that you didn't. And- hey, are you arresting me?"
#5.
Extreme Bondage
There are a number of ways to hide your extramarital affairs: you can wait till your partner goes on a business trip, claim to be going out with some friends, or organize two dates at the same time in the same restaurant (if you live in a romantic comedy). Or, if you're Rebecca Bargy, you can tie your husband up with a blocked airway and leave him for twenty hours until he dies (this one doesn't work so well in romantic comedies).
On second thought, if they made a movie version of this with Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson, we'd probably watch it.
According to CBS News she "placed duct tape over James Bargy's mouth and eyes, put a ball gag in his mouth and then tied a bandage around his head", indicating that either CBS isn't particularly good at "event sequences" or Rebecca was strong enough to shove a ball through solid duct tape. She also tied his hands and feet behind his back and slipped into something sexy. Specifically, the sexy car taking her to a sexy motel room containing another sexy man. While her husband suffocated. She claimed that this bondage was entirely consensual, which police have the temerity to doubt.
"So, you're saying he begged you to tie him up, kill him and cheat on him? Huh."
Better Excuse:
"Oh gosh, did I leave the ropes on? Normally it's the oven!"
::rolls eyes::
::studio audience laughter::
What Would Be Required for This to Work:
Her central argument was that James Bargy enjoyed being tied up and left to stew in his own inevitable excrement for nearly a day, all the while thinking about another man banging his wife. If that actually worked, it would set a precedent allowing people to simultaneously murder and cheat on their spouses on the grounds that "they totally wanted it," and, come on, marriage is hard enough.
#4.
Speeding Because She Doesn't Understand Metric
A California woman was fined $405 by Canadian police for speeding at almost a hundred miles an hour. Her excuse was that the speed limit signs were in kilometers per hour and she didn't understand metric.
The problem is that a hundred miles an hour is the same speed no matter what you measure it in - just because you cross the border doesn't make "pushing your foot all the way down" affect the engine differently. Did she think her engine was so patriotic it needed extra encouragement to drive on un-American soil? Did she think that time moves slower in Canada? Was she right? (We've never been.)
Better Excuse:
"But I thought Canadian laws didn't apply to Americans!"
What Would Be Required for This to Work:
For ignorance of the law to make you immune to it, and even in a country where one of the fundamental rights is "Any crazy bastard who wants can have a gun," we know that's a bad idea. The legal system has already proven that people are prepared to be as stupid as required in the hopes of making a claim - once it makes them immune to prosecution society will go straight to "Mad Max: Retard Edition."
About #4 - that excuse fails epically because it admits she was AWARE that that sign was not measuring in MPH (miles per hour). A better excuse might be "I am not speeding! I was traveling 100 MPH, and that sing says "100" on it."
ReplyEven then, you might question why the speed limits are so high.
Just.... my lungs stopped working....
Reply#2 is one of those all-time greats that never, ever stops being one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
Missed the mark on #5. Bondage is a super-common fetish, and besides, how could she have gotten him into such an elaborate getup without his cooperation? She wasn't trying to dodge responsibility for his death, anyway. Establishing that the bondage was consensual would mean being charged with manslaughter (which has a maximum sentence of 15 years) instead of murder (which mas a maximum sentence of the electric chair).
Replypretty much
also cuckholding
I think you mixed up the Jose's in #2 at the end there...
Replydrunk swedish...
Replydear god 5.0... aint that lethal?
#5 is actually very plausible. Cuckoldry and auto-erotic asphyxiation are both not-uncommon fetishes. If she was being literal with "the stewing in his own waste" thing then that's fecophilia, which is, admittedly, less common.
ReplyHaving all three of these though, that is a bit weird.
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Reply100kph is roughly 62mph, a pretty standard speed limit. That seems like a perfectly reasonable explanation to me, if not a legal excuse. If she didn't realise the signs were in kph then she'd be doing 100mph instead.
ReplyWTF is up with the cat rape excuse.... thats more disturbing that number one. You hear about ppl attempting to smuggle drugs all the time but the excuse to kill a suspected cat rapist is just.... this would be the first time i heard such a thing. o.O'
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Cat rapists.
I like a lot of these lists, but wish someone didn't feel the need to go derogatory! Retarded was a medical term, like cancer, except it was used to describe a group of people who were treated worse than animals, which is why it's considered a slur & is offensive to the people w/that diagnosis, & people who love them. There's no time it's ever ok, especially as an insult towards others, describing something you dislike or even self deprecating.
Reply Hide All See All 6 Replieswaaaaaa, waaaaa lets cry together we can do some 69 shoulder-to-head action
It hasn't been used as a diagnosis in decades and in nowadays used to describe high levels of stupidity. Get over it.
What is it that within about the last month people have been increasingly complaining about minor points in articles?
says the retard lol
"The 7 most developmentally disabled criminal excuses of al time"
does that suit you, nancy
It absolutely still is used as a diagnosis. It isn't used the same way it used to be, because people are usually described more specifically, in order to better serve individual needs, so there are described by etiology (cause of problem), and level of functioning, with notes about language use, and motor skills.
However, as someone who has worked with disabled people, I can tell you that when you have a short space to communicate very basically about someone, you often talk about "organically retarded," vs. "brain damaged," to indicate someone with a chromosome disorder vs. someone with a head injury, and "brain damaged" is usually reserved for people who were injured after the age of 12, and had a period of normal development.
Also, people often note that an autistic person is "not retarded," meaning that even though he might not have much language, and seem to function as retarded, he will have a much better memory, and ability to manipulate the environment, than a mentally retarded person. Non-retarded autistic people can learn things through observation you don't know they know, and do things like take someone keys, drive several blocks to a store, buy chips and soda, and come home without a hitch, so you have to know where they are all the time. --They aren't trying to be bad or devious, I'll add. They don't necessarily know something like that is wrong, if they've never done it before.
Anyway, it's the reason that word is very useful to people in the field of disability, who take it seriously, and never, never use it as an insult.
That's pretty gay.
Am I still holding it? I seriously don't know?
ReplyBAHAHAHAHAHA
A girlfriend *could* love that smell, I'm sure.
ReplyI loved this article though, the excuses people come up with are amazing!
The metric one can actually be understandable. Maybe not at that speed, but close. I (an American) visited Ontario this past summer and was driving through hundreds of miles of lonely roads surrounded by forests. The speed limit said 85kmh but the kmh was much smaller than the 85, and to me, 85 Mph sounds a reasonable speed when no ones around for hours an miles and the roads just expand into endless forest. I realized my mistake without getting a ticket though. But the speed I was supposed to go was 55 mph, which is so slow, considering us highways usually carry at least a 65 mph limit
ReplyDon't most speedometers have two sets of numbers? one for mph and one for kmph
The only place 85mph is reasonable is on the Autobahn. Even in Arizona, where it's just one long road across the desert, the speed limit is still 75mph.
I had to stop reading, not because I was too disturbed, but the article was too disjointed for a person who has a nice buzz going.
ReplyI think I've said this before, but...there actually are men who want their wives/girlfriends to go out and have sex with other men. They're called 'cuckold fetishists' or 'cuck fetishists', and Dan Savage of Savage Love seems to talk about them pretty often.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI can believe that for an hour or two, but leaving tied up all day with no-one to watch him is absolutely reckless. Even if it wasn't murder then it was negligent homicide.
It depends. This is where you get into the gray area of "consent." If he knew full well the risks of what he was getting into, and consented to it; then it was a victimless crime.
We don't charge the pilots of sky diving planes with negligent homicide every time a parachute fails.
Of course, your answer is all dependent on whether you believe in the whole "you are your brothers keeper" idea. If you don't believe people have the right to do things that endanger their lives, such as sky diving, then you believe you are your brothers keeper. If we operated in a system like that, then you could charge the pilots of sky diving air craft with enablement (enabling people to hurt themselves).
Personally, I think a system like that would suck to live in (considering all the crap that can go wrong, and how easy it is to place blame on people for things out of their control), but that's just me.
Key words are safe, sane and consenual in the BSDM world. It's a given that you don't tie someone up and leave them alone, Just because they consent to it doesn't mean you have to. Not even for an hour. What if something (not meeting a lover in a motel) prevented you from returning? What if a fire broke out? You never leave a partner tied up. In that kind of play, there has to be a mutual trust that no one is going to be put in danger and leaving a bound person alone crosses that line.
A friend of mine once said "No matter what it is, somewhere, it's someone's fetish." How true that is.
there is almost too much crazy to capture in words in the cat one. i had to read it several times to absorb it all!
ReplyTo be fair, Australia's intelligence agency is pretty crap. It would explain a lot if they actually were a load of drunks. Please don't raid my house, A.S.I.O.!
Reply"There is no reasonable series of events that could come together in any order that would make that a misunderstanding."
ReplyI love this sentence. I'm thinking it'd make an awesome tattoo. Seriously - what a conversation-starter!
How exactly was he gonna blow the little girls brains out without a gun?
ReplyA straw