The 7 Most Retarded Criminal Excuses of All Time
As cops love to tell us, they've heard 'em all. They even have standard issue cop cliches to tell you they know you're full of shit, such as "Tell that to the judge, pal" and "Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law."
And then there are those excuses that leave cops unable to muster even a slightly grizzled retort, where the only proper response is uncontrollable laughter. We're talking about excuses like:
#7.
Secret Agent Hobo
The day started like any other day for the Saratoga Police Department: Some transient was drinking in the street and was soundly arrested. Things took a turn, however, when the man claimed to be part of a top secret Australian covert ops unit. We're not sure which secret agency requires you to drink in public and tell the first people you meet all about it, but suspect it's not a very good one. (Also, we would like to humbly submit our resumes for consideration.)
Agent Marshall Cartwright's secret espionage gear included a beer keg, hallucinogenic mushrooms and a wetsuit, perhaps under the assumption that, to catch a drunk, delusional international terrorist, you needed to think like a drunk, delusional international terrorist. He also had a harmonica, because seriously, who doesn't get the blues every once in a while?
Better Excuse:
"Dude, I'm a bum and I've got a keg of beer. What else do you expect me to be doing?"
What Would Be Required for This to Work:
Since Marshall was trying to sell his hobo-beer to passersby, measured out in a jar he happened to have on his person, this would imply that Australia's intelligence community are terribly, terribly underfunded. And crap.
#6.
"She Looks Like the Man Who Turned My Cat Gay"
Jose Correia's cat escaped on October the 27th, and you're about to find out why even an animal that cares for nothing but food and licking its own balls would want to run from the crazy bastard. For his search party, Correia recruited the help of local schoolteacher Anabela Cruz but declined the help of another neighbor, Jose Macedo, on the grounds that the latter was homosexual. And therefore useless at finding pussy.
Can YOU spot the cat? If not, you are a homosexual.
Once he found the cat, to thank everyone for their help, Jose went home, got his Browning 6.35 mm pistol and shot Anabela. If that seems odd, you have to understand that, in fairness to Jose, he thought Anabela, (the schoolteacher), was actually Macedo the (homosexual). Again, in fairness, he also believed that Macedo had buggered his cat thereby converting it to the ways of Sodom, and since he was waving a gun at the time probably managed to make it sound even crazier. When you look at it that way, Macedo's actions don't seem too unreason- What's that? They still do? Even more unreasonable, you say? Huh. Alright then.
Better Excuse:
"Look, I just hate gays, okay? I thought I could somehow spin this whole 'cat thing' into a reasonable excuse, but it sort of got away from me." It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong; the police would have to respect that kind of honesty.
Though, that is, like, the gayest cat we've ever seen.
What Would Be Required for This to Work:
Catching the guy in the act. Cat-rape is one of those cases where hearsay and conjecture just isn't enough. You come home and find some guy squatting on top of a squealing Mister Kittens, then by all means, empty your pistol. But if you want to kill someone you need a better reason than "I have no reason to suspect that he didn't rape my cat. Or, for that matter, that you didn't. And- hey, are you arresting me?"
#5.
Extreme Bondage
There are a number of ways to hide your extramarital affairs: you can wait till your partner goes on a business trip, claim to be going out with some friends, or organize two dates at the same time in the same restaurant (if you live in a romantic comedy). Or, if you're Rebecca Bargy, you can tie your husband up with a blocked airway and leave him for twenty hours until he dies (this one doesn't work so well in romantic comedies).
On second thought, if they made a movie version of this with Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson, we'd probably watch it.
According to CBS News she "placed duct tape over James Bargy's mouth and eyes, put a ball gag in his mouth and then tied a bandage around his head", indicating that either CBS isn't particularly good at "event sequences" or Rebecca was strong enough to shove a ball through solid duct tape. She also tied his hands and feet behind his back and slipped into something sexy. Specifically, the sexy car taking her to a sexy motel room containing another sexy man. While her husband suffocated. She claimed that this bondage was entirely consensual, which police have the temerity to doubt.
"So, you're saying he begged you to tie him up, kill him and cheat on him? Huh."
Better Excuse:
"Oh gosh, did I leave the ropes on? Normally it's the oven!"
::rolls eyes::
::studio audience laughter::
What Would Be Required for This to Work:
Her central argument was that James Bargy enjoyed being tied up and left to stew in his own inevitable excrement for nearly a day, all the while thinking about another man banging his wife. If that actually worked, it would set a precedent allowing people to simultaneously murder and cheat on their spouses on the grounds that "they totally wanted it," and, come on, marriage is hard enough.
#4.
Speeding Because She Doesn't Understand Metric
A California woman was fined $405 by Canadian police for speeding at almost a hundred miles an hour. Her excuse was that the speed limit signs were in kilometers per hour and she didn't understand metric.
The problem is that a hundred miles an hour is the same speed no matter what you measure it in - just because you cross the border doesn't make "pushing your foot all the way down" affect the engine differently. Did she think her engine was so patriotic it needed extra encouragement to drive on un-American soil? Did she think that time moves slower in Canada? Was she right? (We've never been.)
Better Excuse:
"But I thought Canadian laws didn't apply to Americans!"
What Would Be Required for This to Work:
For ignorance of the law to make you immune to it, and even in a country where one of the fundamental rights is "Any crazy bastard who wants can have a gun," we know that's a bad idea. The legal system has already proven that people are prepared to be as stupid as required in the hopes of making a claim - once it makes them immune to prosecution society will go straight to "Mad Max: Retard Edition."
I think I've said this before, but...there actually are men who want their wives/girlfriends to go out and have sex with other men. They're called 'cuckold fetishists' or 'cuck fetishists', and Dan Savage of Savage Love seems to talk about them pretty often.
Replythere is almost too much crazy to capture in words in the cat one. i had to read it several times to absorb it all!
ReplyTo be fair, Australia's intelligence agency is pretty crap. It would explain a lot if they actually were a load of drunks. Please don't raid my house, A.S.I.O.!
Reply"There is no reasonable series of events that could come together in any order that would make that a misunderstanding."
ReplyI love this sentence. I'm thinking it'd make an awesome tattoo. Seriously - what a conversation-starter!
How exactly was he gonna blow the little girls brains out without a gun?
ReplyA straw
What the hell is wrong with that guy's fingernail in #1?
ReplyShe would have to be Daredevil. (And she is NOT Daredevil.)
ReplyOh god, I lost it at that line.
Number 4 really doesn't belong here guys. If the speed limits were in metric then a speed limit of 100km/hr would equate to 60mph. If the woman didn't understand metric and the difference in km/hr vs mph then its quite easy to see why she would have been going 100. One may argue that cars always tend to have both mph and km/hr on the speedo but one example that is different is the 2004 Pontiac Bonneville which ONLY showed mph unless you knew to press the button to change it to km/hr. So when you know all the facts, #4 actually seems like a completely understandable excuse for someone who doesn't understand the metric system. And be honest, if you thought the speed limit really was 100mph, you know you would drive 100mph.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesIn which case, she's stupid, because she thought it was perfectly reasonable that Canadians all drove at 100 mph. And stupidity is not a defense.
Stupid Americans make this mistake all the time. Few have the balls actually to drive 1000 miles per hour when all the cars around them are only doing like, 60 mph or whatever?
Every car I've had has both km/hr and mph, and I am American.
Either way, it's a much more understandable mistake than the other four. The point is not that she forgot how fast SHE was going, the point is that she saw "100" on the speed limit signs and simply never stopped to consider that it wasn't in MPH.
And the moral of the story is that if something (like a 100 MPH speed limit) seems too good to be true, it's probably because you're a dumbass.
skim172 maybe she thought she was in Germany, on German autobahns people are pulled over for being too slow, but pretty much never for speeding. How is that possible? They just multiply the number of lanes with right-hand side lanes being for slowpokes and the ones closest to the center for those who have a death wish.
I love pointing guns at children
ReplyIn South Africa, children point guns at you.
Holy s**t, its Yakov Smirnoff's South African cousin.
When my brother got busted for dealing (in a freaking school zone), he told the arresting officer: "It's not mine...I'm selling it!". He's a genius, ya know
ReplyNext time you see him, give him a hug and a medal for me.
Number two would be perfectly acceptable if the ten year old girl was a zombie. Or a girl scout trying to guilt him into buying thin mints.
ReplyHey no man, thin mints are awesome. Number two would only be acceptable if she was trying to offload s****y shortbread cookies on him.
i would love it if my boyfriend's dick smelled like weed
Replyman why would he rape his cat? Remember he's gay, he isn't into Pussay
Reply"My girlfriend loves the smell of pot on my dick"? Bullshit. No girlfriend will ever love that smell.
Replyau contrare cracked, i happen to find that smell quite relaxing
for being drunk, cracked can sure write their info pretty neatly
ReplyActually, cat sodomy is preatty easy to prove. Check the guys junk; if its covered in disfiguring claw marks, he's guilty- and bat s**t crazy.
ReplyThe Swedish legal limit must be fairly low, cause 10x the legal limit in the US would put you more squarely in the category of what medical experts call "really f*****g dead" than someone able to get in or drive a car.
Reply0.02 so, yeah, it's pretty low
The speeding one actually makes sense, the signs probably said 100km/h (about 62 mph) and she didn't pay attention to the difference, ie more didn't realize it was metric. Stupid mistake but not really that retarded an excuse.
ReplyThe sad thing is, these really don't surprise me that much. When I was a cadet journalist I was assigned the court beat. At first, the levels of idiocy you'd encounter were amusing, but after a while it just got depressing.
ReplyThe most memorable encounter I had was with this huge guy who'd been in a bar-fight. The guy was massive and intimidating as hell. A big black tattoo ran along one meaty shoulder and up the side of his neck. He glared at me as I took notes in the courtroom. For a 65kg skinny 19 year old cadet journalist, this was a little rattling.
Anyhow, the charges were that a bouncer had attempted to remove the guy from the bar after an altercation with another patron. The defendant had then bitten a chunk outta the bouncer's chin. That's right, he took a big bloody chunk o'flesh out with his mouth. The prosecution then pointed out that he growled while doing it.
The defence's claim? Oh, he was yawning. Yawning. During a bar fight, while he had a chunk of flesh in his mouth. Because, y'know, that's when you're bored or tired and have that urge to yawn. Shit, they could've at least gone with choking or something, he was in a headlock at the time.
The memorable part of the occasion came when I was in the public foyer of the courts. It was a small town court and the room was empty except for me and the chin-biter, who sat opposite me, still with the glaring.
I had to resist the urge to ask "know any good place to eat?" but that probably would have resulted in my untimely death by bludgeoning and/or cannibalism.
That's actually f*****g hilarious. You should write for Cracked.
Yeah, I'm sure I'd enjoy "10 most disfiguring barfight accidents"
I saw the title and thought the "twinkie defense" would be on here. That has to be one of the most creative excuses for murdering two innocent people I've ever heard. (Although the actual excuse was that the twinkies made Dan White's depression worse, which in turn caused him to murder Harvey Milk and George Moscone.)
Reply