The 6 Most Shameless Gimmicks Used by Funeral Homes

Death is a big business. In 2012, the funeral home industry pulled in $13.4 billion in revenue. From dead people! Those guys barely even work. It's pretty impressive, but it's also pretty cutthroat, so to speak. With all that money falling out of the pockets of the dearly departed, you really need to offer people a reason to spend their money with you. Anyone can jam Grandpa in a fridge box and take $500 for it; what's the extra touch that ensures that you get the money and not Mort Mortenson down the road?

Luckily for you, since you're now wondering the answer to that question, I wrote this whole article about how funeral homes go that extra mile to get your business. Your depressing, dead business.

#6. Slutty Santa Funeral Home

I can barely preface this video with any words that will adequately prepare you for it. As far as I know, it's a legit commercial for a funeral home in Guatemala. Look!

Oh, Funeraria Lopez, you so crazy. The gist of this commercial is that, if you're lucky enough to die over the Christmas holidays, you can use this funeral home, which is endorsed by Santa and his army of scantily clad Santettes. Are they elves? Is Santa polyamorous and they're Mrs. Clauses? We may never unravel the full mystery, but maybe that's the point. Like death, it is the great unknown, and it is full of wonder and tits.

At 0:27, as we're all just about to mourn the passing of one of Santa's cookies, bam! Plot twist, as she opens her eyes and give us the thumbs up. She was alive the whole time, it's just that Funeraria Lopez has such comfy caskets that she was maxing and relaxing in one, the way women in high heels and fur-trimmed miniskirts tend to do.

At 0:50, Santa raises someone's hand in triumph; could it be Papi Lopez? The two celebrate the Funeraria Lopez, the closest you'll ever get to being buried in an actual vagina. Book your death today!

#5. Make It Lazy


What can you say about a drive-thru funeral home that hasn't already been yelled by a drunk on a street corner toward an innocent child? Fuck you, you shifty-eyed fuck. You're not better than me.

Deep in the heart of terrible ideas, you'll find not one, but several funeral homes that stumbled upon the idea of pressing your dead loved one against the window like a ham in a display case so people who need to get home to watch Judge Judy can have a look-see and make sure the sumbitch really is dead before picking up that Slurpee and returning to the homestead. Added bonus: Put a towel across your lap in case the police roll up and you don't even technically need to put on pants.

In Compton, the Robert L. Adams Mortuary offers the bereaved yet impatient the ability to just drive by the departed and take a gander. The owner of the mortuary insists it's not disrespectful, and in fact is a benefit for many who can only get away on their lunch break, or for the elderly, who have a tough time getting out of the car. On the other hand, if you can't get away except at lunch or you're too decrepit to even get out of the car, maybe they could just stream the funeral to your phone or text you one or two captioned meme photos that really convey the feeling of the moment.

Taking my joke away from me is the drive-thru funeral home in Farmville, Virginia, which actually does stream the service so you can watch it online. The owner here also feels that this is a benefit for the disabled, but added that if the weather is bad, a drive-thru funeral is a bonus as well, because you don't have to get out in the snow or the rain. So make sure you tell your family and friends every day how you feel about them, because you never know when you might lose them. Let them know that you love them, unless there's inclement weather, in which case you love them enough to look out the window at them and that's about it.

#4. Coffee and a Corpse

Funerals are downers, with all the weeping and some guy in the room who's not alive. What's a good way to perk up all those sad sacks moping around? Necromancy! But of course that's meddling in powers you can't possibly comprehend, and it will get you evicted from your basement apartment, so best leave that off the menu for now. Instead, why not coffee? Why not indeed.

Robinson Funeral Home in South Carolina decided to add a coffeehouse to their business for the benefit of friends and family so they could remember their loved ones the way our ancestors did, with a half-caf double foam soy vanilla steamer in their hand and a stale biscotti on a napkin in their lap.

Brand X Pictures/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images

Who eats these mangy turds anyway?

The Coffee Corner at the funeral home was planned to serve as a way to comfort the bereaved, because what's more comforting than mass-produced overpriced chain restaurant beverages? Human contact and interaction? Ha ha, shut up, you.

According to the funeral home owner, you're always hearing about the Starbucks experience and how it's not just coffee, it's an experience. Really, he said that and everything. I usually hear about how Starbucks can't spell someone's name right and how obnoxious the chain is as a whole, and once I heard about how the logo was either pornographic or satanic, but maybe that's all part of the experience, too. Technically getting shot in the ass with a high-velocity searing-hot dildo is an experience; the word has a lot of latitude.

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Felix Clay

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