25 Bizarre News Headlines That Aren’t So Cut-And-Dry

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25 Bizarre News Headlines That Aren’t So Cut-And-Dry

Strange and wondrous things happen all the time. One of my favorite things about being human is that we can enjoy lists of interesting facts and information about our world, but we can only absorb a few of them. Then we go back to our busy lives, forget all about them, and wait for the next list to come around again. And so we live, and we think, and we look for more answers. We're a species that asks questions like no other. Why are we here? What is reality? What happens when we die? Where do the dead go? We'll probably never find all the answers to these questions. But every now and then, something catches my attention, and I can't let it pass­ by. And so, on behalf of all the humans out there who can't quite remember where they heard this or why they thought it was important enough to add to their brain, I present to you my collection of wondrous and strange facts.

A Missouri pastor berating his congregation for being 'poor, broke, busted' and not getting him a luxury watch.

A pastor in Missouri called his congregation broke and busted for not getting him an expensive watch. OYSTER PERPETUAL ROLEX DATEJUST SUPER SFF- COMONSHETER CRACKED.COM This is how I know you're still poor, broke, busted, and disgusted, because of how you've been honoring me, said pastor Carlton Funder- burke. I'm not worth your Red Lobster money?

MSN

Mexican Rapper Gets Gold Chain Hooks Surgically Implanted in Scalp.

A rapper implanted hooks into his scalp so he could have gold-chain dreds. CRACKED.COM Mexican artist Dan Sur re- placed his hair with gold chains, ending up looking like a VR Chat avatar con- trolled by a kid in Ohio that sells Hot Cheetos at recess to afford an NFT.

News 18

Having kids makes you happier, but only when they move out.

A new study suggests having kids makes you happier, once they move out of your house. CRACKED.COM Data from a European sur- vey of 55,000 people aged 50 and older revealed par- ents had greater life satis- faction and fewer symptoms of depression, but only if their kids had left home.

New Scientist

‘Batgirl’ Directors Tried to Pirate Movie Before HBO Max Locked Them Out of Servers.

The directors of the canceled Batgirl movie tried to pirate it before HBO locked them out. KUD ETA CRACKED GOM WERP Adil El Arbi and Bilall Fallah tried to log into the server and record their work on their mobile phones before their access was quick- ly revoked.

News 5h

Metro Detroit man implants Tesla key into hand to unlock, start car.

A Detroit man implanted his car keys into his hand so he never leaves home without them. CRACKED.COM Brandon Dalaly already has a digital key in his left hand, and now he has a second chip im- plant to operate his Tes- la. Не did all of it without having to even consult a doctor, or priest.

KTVU

Former Philly restaurant server ordered to pay $84M for massacre of 600 civilians.

A 68-year-old former Philly server has to pay $84 million for a massacre during the Liberian civil war. GRACKED.COM Moses Thomas was identi- fied as the commander who led the 1990 slaughter at St. Peter's Lutheran Church, an incident de- scribed as the worst sin- gle episode of the war.

Inquirer

PA police can stop drivers if the tourism website on the license plate is covered by a plate frame.

Police in PA can stop drivers if their plate frame covers the VisitPA.com URL. PENNSYLVANIA 6-06 3223cm GAA 1000 visitPA.com CRACKED.COM A new state appellate court ruling says no part of a driver's license plate can be covered up, in- cluding the tourism web- site link at the bottom of the plate.

WPXI

Miller High Life has an ice cream that tastes like a dive bar.

Miller is making an ice cream that tastes like a dive bar. CRACKED.COM Miller High Life is taking all the best parts of the dive bar IRL and bringing them to your taste buds. And since this is Miller, that does not include good beer presumably.

CNN

French justice ministry under pressure to explain jail go-karting.

The French justice ministry is in hot water after people found out prisoners are go-karting. 63x 1-18 Benik PROIUM PoDiun PODEUM KARTING GRACKED.COM The race was part of a day of activities based on an adventure-based reality TV show called 'Koh-Lan- ta.' Other events on the day included swimming, a tug-of-war and an obstacle course.

Independent

Tracking device attached to invasive python found inside larger, hungrier snake.

The tracking device from an invasive python in Florida was found in a larger snake. CRACKED.COM The radio transmitter that researches had inside baby Burmese pythons, cap- tured from national parks in Florida, were found in an adult pitviper, known as a Florida cottonmouth.

9News

81-year-old woman nabbed at airport with 5 kilos of heroin in suitcase.

An 81-year-old was caught in a Warsaw airport with 5 kilos of heroin. 3 GRACKED.COM The Danish woman, traveling from Africa to Canada, was arrest- ed on suspicion of ille- gal possession of hero- in worth over $515,000.

East Bay Times

Houston woman poisoned on her birthday after touching napkin found on car.

A Texas woman was poisoned by a napkin placed on her car door handle. CRACKED.COM Within minutes of discard- ing the napkin, Erin Mims' hand was numb, she was having trouble breathing, and her heart was racing. Her diagnosis was acute poisoning from an un- known substance.

The Grio

Defective sex toys get a 2nd chance — as fashionable shoes.

Sex toys that don't make it off the production line are being turned into shoes. CRACKED.COM The sex toy defects are ground into millimeter-sized cubes of thermoplastic elas- tomer, a mix of rubber and plastic that lends itself to in- jection molding. The shoes go for $130.

AP News

Capitol Records preemptively cancels AI rapper over racist lyrics.

Capitol Records is distancing themselves from an AI rapper made by a white guy. CRACKED.COM The NFT digital blockchain AI character (Jesus, we don't know anymore) was voiced by a Black artist re- citing lyrics written by AI, but that didn't stop the ac- cusations of racist lyrics and stereotyping.

MSNBC

China punishes 27 people over ‘tragically ugly’ illustrations in maths textbook.

China is punishing people over the tragically ugly illustrations in a math textbook. pa a,o2 1517 J a,o2 (s) o2 V260 F [T(x). до д f(x,0)dx II M T(E). до a a سنا ao Лко Kulta f(x,0)ds= R. [T(x)- CRACKED.COM The ministry of education concluded that the car- toons of children, which in- cludes an unfortunate up-skirt shot and a kid with a leg tattoo, did not properly reflect the sunny image of China's children.

The Guardian

Box of Guns Mistakenly Delivered to Delaware County High School.

A box of guns was delivered to a Delaware school instead of books and classroom supplies. 989 1911 CRACKED COM A FedEx driver returned to the school after the six guns sat in the school over the weekend to cor- rect the mistake. Wait, people are mailing guns through FedEx??

NBC Philadelphia

Wind Turbine Blades Could Be Recycled Into Gummy Bears One Day.

A new kind of wind turbine could be recycled... into gummy bears. CRACKED.COM The new form of wind tur- bine material combines glass fibers with both plant-derived and synthet- ic polymers that can be ex- tracted during the recy- cling process and used in a variety of ways.

CNET

San Francisco’s $20,000 designer trash can struggles to contain trash.

San Francisco's new $550k trash can program is sort of rubbish. STRENGT SAKS FIFTH AVENUE GRACKED COM The three-and-half-year (and counting), half a mil- lion dollar project to de- sign bespoke bins for its streets has left San Fran- cisco with overflowing, but nonetheless shiny, recepta- cles.

The Guardian

Finnish PM defends dancing, takes drug test to clear herself.

The Finnish PM partied so hard she took a voluntary drug test. CRACKED.COM Sanna Marin held a rager at her summer home, where she danced and drank while topless women made out with each other, and has since apologized. How much are flights to Finland?

AP News

Herschel Walker blasts climate bill: ‘Don’t we have enough trees around here?’

Senate candidate Herschel Walker thinks a climate bill is silly because we have enough trees. CRACKED.COM The Georgia Senate candi- date said that Democrats are not helping you out because a lot of money, it's going to trees. Не instead called for spending more money on law enforcement.

The Hill

Woman charged $8k after rental car company claims she drove 36k kilometres in 3 days.

A woman was charged $8,000 for allegedly driving her rental car 22,000 miles in 3 days. AVIS AVIS AVIS - AVIS - J I GRACKED.COM Giovanna Boniface says Avis charged her for driv- ing 36,482 kilometres at a rate of 25 cents per kilo- metre. This is like driving from New York to Califor- nia... 7,333 times.

CTV News

Shaquille O'Neal explains why he thinks the Earth is flat: "It's a theory."

Shaq thinks the Earth being round and spinning is just a theory. CRACKED.COM Shaquille O'Neal defended his stance by saying that not once during his flight from the US to Australia did he flip upside down and that he's never seen a lake spinning as the Earth is alleged to do.

Newsweek

Marines, sailors ate all of Greek town’s eggs, meat on port visit.

Marines visiting Alexandroupoli ate 7,000 eggs in one day and depleted the island of breakfast meats. CRACKED.COM During a recent training exercise visit with the 22nd Marine Expeditionary Unit in Greece, the surly sol- diers overindulged in meats and tattoos, leaving the island in shambles.

Navy Times

Tesla demands removal of video of cars hitting child-size mannequins.

Tesla does not want anyone to watch the video of their cars absolutely demolishing child-size mannequins. CRACKED.COM An ad by the Dawn Proj- ect showed electric ve- hicles running over man- nequins at speeds over 20 mph while allegedly using the driver-assis- tance software.

Washington Post 

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