The fight scene is the single most important and meaningful expression in cinema. Without it, the inspirational montage would not exist, “I know karate” would not be the playground’s Neutron Bomb, and Rocky would just be another mentally diminished meathead from Philadelphia (which is like being a teardrop in an ocean of sadness). But while nobody can dispute the value of the fight scene, the great tragedy is that the best are not always the brightest: Here are the most epic fight scenes in the history of film… that you’ve never seen:
The Setup:
It is a beautiful, peaceful sunny day, and everything that’s wrong with the 90s jogs down the beach together. But their fun is quickly brought to a halt by one of the terrorists from Die Hard on his lunch break:
“Who’s this?” He demands of the woman.
“He’s just a thrower,” she responds, after struggling and ultimately failing to remember what a Frisbee is called.
“We’re just throwing,” the man reaffirms, in the same way you might reply “you too” to a waiter who asks you to enjoy your meal; he is immediately filled with shame, regret and confusion.
“Oh yeah?” the postal worker retorts, clearly disbelieving that a man so stupid is capable of moving his arms laterally, “let’s see you throw one.”
The Fight:
That’s right: This game of Frisbee is the fight scene. No punches are thrown, no kicks are unleashed, no heads are locked–these two dual like true gentlemen of the 90s: as gaily as humanly possible. The only way this could be more emblematic of the era is if they were both on rollerblades and one of them was Will Smith. But, unbeknownst to our hero, this particular elite guardsman has sunk all of his skill points into dual-wielding and Frisbee manipulation (you’re welcome, nerds), and the protagonist is in for the match of his life. He can’t be blamed, though: How the hell was he supposed to know that he’s up against Vincent Frisbee, long-lost heir to the Discus Fortunes?
Faced with the impending Frisbee apocalypse, the woman jogs away in mincing fear. Our protagonist, ever the gentleman, wishes her a good day by virtue of her ass.
The Aftermath:
What, did you think the game was a metaphor? No, this is how all true Frisbee games end: in death and embarrassment. Oh, but there is no regret for John Frisbee. No, he died as he lived: guarding an empty stretch of beach and recklessly entering discus throwing competitions during work hours. And to the victor, as always, go the spoils: The right to subtly fist-pump.
Now, that might not look like much initially, but have you ever truly had a well-deserved fist-pump? No! You’ve wasted it. You’ve taken fist-pumps for petty sporting victories–triumphs at air-hockey, well-placed volleyball serves, not falling asleep during softball–you’ve never taken a fist-pump how it was meant to be taken: at the expense of a man’s life. And that is truly the sweetest pump of all.
The Setup:
Half a dozen people are trapped in a labyrinth, engaged in a desperate, feverish gunfight against their imaginations. They are, clockwise from left: Pakistani Carmen San Diego, the bass player from Queen while filming the video for “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Arabic Knight Rider and Iranian Chuck Norris.
Now, at no point is it even implied that these people are actually shooting at one another or indeed, at anything, but they take turn firing their pistols until the clips are empty all the same (actually, come to think of it, it appears to be the same gun–they might just be passing it around). When they all simultaneously come to the sudden realization that “sharing” is the third least effective fighting style–just behind the “fetal position,” but ahead of “passive aggressiveness” on the martial arts scale of deadliness–they start the real action.
The Fight:
At this point you may have noticed something as retarded as it is awesome: Both the gun fight and the fist fight have exactly the same sound effects! This can only mean one of two things: Either the Pakistani punch out bullets (which would account for the solitary gun. It’s just superfluous; when your fists are firearms, pistols are little more than condoms for your deadly intentions) or else literally every sound in Pakistani–from the crying of a newborn babe to the sizzling of a hot pan on a quiet Sunday morn–is gunfire. The fight unfolds in disjointed, rapid-fire segments: Pakistani Bohemian Rhapsody jump-kicks Pakistani Michel Knight in the neck; Chuck Norris looks like he accidentally brought fat-guy-ballet to a punch-fight; and some random dude pummels Carmen San Diego in the ovaries so hard that I suspect he might technically be fighting her unborn child.
The Aftermath:
After Chuck Norris and Pakistani Rhapsody produce switchblades from the sheer power of imagination and accidentally double-team Knight Rider, they abruptly stop to marvel at the sheer insanity of it all.
They stand shell-shocked, steeped in a panicked confusion. It is as though they’ve all abruptly emerged from a fugue of hallucinogenic fists with no memory of what has happened or why. Just when reason seems poised to take over, somebody screams in the distance. It is the sound of bullets. The fight starts again, because it can never end. For this? Friends, this is Hell.
The Setup:
A used car salesman and professor Adam Lambert square off in a meat/science plant. Professor Lambert sensually French kisses a knife and, overtaken with stab-lust, attacks!
Sadly, having recently failed Knife School, the good professor gently holds the blade at arm’s length until 2002’s #1 Hyundai Salesman for Eastern Kansas reluctantly takes hold of it.
Aha! It was a trap!
You’ve heard of the sharing stick, where only he who holds the stick may speak? Well, this is the punch knife: Where he who holds it gets punched gently in the face. Really, it’s more of a cheek-push if we’re to be technical about it. It is at this point that all participants sign a petition against shirts.
The Fight:
Now clad only in navel-high black slacks–like two old Gypsies at the beach–the fighters proceed, though it is apparent that both suffer from severe lower back pain, as every single movement is accompanied by painful screaming.
“AGH!” “BLARK!” “YEAAAOWWW!” “JACKIE GET THE HEATPACK IT HAPPENED AGAIN!”
Adam Lambert, again forgetting that knives must be pointed into things, repeatedly tries to woo the world’s most dedicated car salesman by presenting him with the gift of blades; he heartbreakingly refuses. Suddenly–sporting a denim camel-toe so prominent that, according to SAG contracts, it’s technically credited as a speaking part–a woman enters the fray! See?! This just proves that women are really strong, powerful warriors who are every bit as effective as a- wait, scratch that. She proceeds to hit professor Lambert with a towel; the only weapon actually designed for comforting.
But lo! Tragedy strikes!
Professor Lambert, moving so carefully and purposefully towards the coat-rack that it seems like he’s intentionally trying to hang his vision up to dry, stumbles over and gouges his own eye out on a coat-hook! Nobody seems quite sure how to react to this, which leads me to believe that this wasn’t even in the script; it was just another case of “all fun and games” until the inevitable happened. Professor Idol strikes out in fear and anger and, ever the troopers, the other actors nervously play along. A lot of awkward groping and backpain later, and then lightning strikes twice: Professor Lambert spazzes into another eye gouge! Holy shit!
It’s the eyeball holocaust!
The Aftermath:
Like all great cinema, a fight scene should leave some things unsaid. When all is said and done, you should exit the experience with more questions than answers–mentally turning over the events in your head until you arrive at an interpretation that is wholly your own. In some small way, this knowledge changes a person, and that change is the soul of art. And if that is indeed the definition of art, then Undefeatable is truly a masterpiece: Because somewhere around the time a man is hauled away by his eye-holes to get his brain dry-cleaned, you realize that you will never be the same again. If nothing else, you’ll always remember to wear appropriate eye-protection when visiting the Science Butcher.
This entry was posted on Sunday, September 6th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Movies, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 11th, 2009 at 1:36 am
I really felt for the character in No#1.
There was something really engaging and emotional at the end.
Epic.
October 31st, 2009 at 6:36 am
This is the single greatest article ever published by Cracked!(based on the thired review alone)
Bar-NONE!
October 11th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Dude, this one is beyond baffling.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vMKN1tYknE
October 8th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
How did you find such unwatchable horseshit? very funny, but my god, if an ironic hipster tried to host an unintentionally funny movie night, watching all three of these back to back would actually cause him to die.
October 1st, 2009 at 11:43 am
So motherfucking funny.
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:27 am
I had a minor stroke from the second part with Iranian Chuck Norris, Arabic Knight Rider, and such. My face hurts.
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Well, This is a very interesting.. I will tell my friend and I’m so sure that they will like this.
September 19th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
[...] by the great Cracked.com article of “The 3 Most Baffling Fight Scenes in Movie History”, so head that-a-way if you’re in the mood for awful, horrendous fight scenes. (Spoiler: This one is easily the best, [...]
September 15th, 2009 at 5:14 am
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September 14th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
“I can smell the devil” is undoubtedly the funniest line in this hilarious article.
Kudos!
BTW, I going right out to buy Hard Ticket to Hawaii! I MUST OWN A MOVIE THAT HAS A RAZORBLADE FRISBEE DEATH IN IT!!!
September 12th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
The skater death in Hard Ticket to Hawaii is sooooooo much more randomly crazy as fucking run-on sentence.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOBbmdJTLdE
September 11th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
I think its important to note that the woman in Undefeatable, who seemed able to match the evil professor’s martial art prowess HAD HER ARM IN A SLING.
Admittedly, i’ve never seen this movie, so i dont know what happened to her arm, but isn’t your arm supposed to go in a sling if theres something wrong with it?
Great article though
September 9th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
#3 two words, pan-cake
#1 Now i know what it would look like if Jerry Seinfeld tried to be an action hero in the early 90’s.
September 9th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
I saw these movies
September 9th, 2009 at 2:33 am
More genius, as usual.
September 9th, 2009 at 1:05 am
That woman is Cynthia Rothrock. …..COME ON!
September 8th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Hokay, so when I said I was going to take a pee break, I really meant I was going to buy more beer, and even though it’s been like two hours, lo and behold, I’m still laughing so hard I think my neighbors are calling the cops.
September 8th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Only five sentences into this article and I’m honestly afraid that I’m going to piss myself laughing. I’ll have to finish it when I get back from my pee break…but I don’t want to leave!
September 8th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
The 3 Most Baffling Fight Scenes in Movie History | Cracked.com…
The #1 fight scene they have listed is just something that has to be seen…. I personally can’t figure out what to make of it. Just awesomely disgusting…
September 8th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
You should really check out, SKINNED DEEP
Warwick Davis (willow) fights an old man. But all he does is throw plates, seriously if you see this you will add it to this list.
September 8th, 2009 at 11:40 am
God help Joel McHale if he ever finds that first clip up there. I think he’d have a stroke. “RIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!!!”
September 8th, 2009 at 8:30 am
A+ in humor.
Possibly the first time I’ve ever had an audible response to an on-line article and or that… bravo.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:08 am
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September 8th, 2009 at 5:14 am
[...] The 3 most baffling fight scenes in movie history <Cracked> [...]
September 8th, 2009 at 3:47 am
RudyV - get over it. The Cracked.com staff does not include real writers. You can expect misspellings, incorrect word usage and grammatical errors galore in these articles because, at the time of writing the articles, they are typically either reeling from or in the process of inducing a hangover.
Besides, Brockway usually writes solid gold under the shroud of inebriation. Give him a break.
September 8th, 2009 at 3:16 am
“these two dual like true gentlemen”
Are you kidding me? It’s DUEL. You’re just as bad as the Warcraft idiots who keep writing “duel-wielding” and “duel-spec”.
September 8th, 2009 at 1:44 am
yeah…. See Ya!
September 8th, 2009 at 1:01 am
SOOOOOOOO BADDDDDDDDDD
Thanks for sharing
Rick
September 7th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
I saw these movies while I was hanging around Bangkok.
September 7th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Awesome
September 7th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
In Undefeatable, the clip with the woman doing a backflip/handstand is totally a male body double haha!
September 7th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Oh, the last one is a Cynthia Rothrock flick. That explains the crappiness.
September 7th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
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September 7th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
The “heyya” sounds much like the “see ya” of Comic Zone’s char …
September 7th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
fantastic stuff
September 7th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
The last video and the hooks, ouch is all that comes to mind. But the captions, hilarious!
September 7th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Who cares!!! My boyfriend thinks the same with me. He is eight years older than me, lol. We met online at __AgegapMingle.com__ a nice place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Maybe you wanna check out.
September 7th, 2009 at 11:06 am
My god, I can’t stop laughing at that last one.
September 7th, 2009 at 10:00 am
btw, Sultan Rahi is the “Iranian Chuck Norris” in the video ^_^
September 7th, 2009 at 9:23 am
i don’t care that the list was short; reading #1 was all i needed to get me through another day. i haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.
September 7th, 2009 at 8:40 am
There was a particularly good fight scene early on in Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter. Jesus prays over the water in the ocean, making it holy water, and then throws the lesbian vampires into it to kill them.
September 7th, 2009 at 7:48 am
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September 7th, 2009 at 7:39 am
you forgot “the story of ricky”. best ever
September 7th, 2009 at 7:15 am
no no no, “mentally diminished meatheads” aren’t from Philly, they’re from jersey
September 7th, 2009 at 5:00 am
Nice article.
You whinging wankers with your inexplicable sense of entitlement don’t deserve daily updates, damnit! And did someone suggest that the guy who brought you The Manliest Article Ever Written/Way of The Barbarian isn’t funny?
Don’t. Make. Me.
Conan…
September 7th, 2009 at 2:36 am
very funny article one of best recent ones
September 7th, 2009 at 1:40 am
Really, Cracked? “Duel” misspelled as “dual,” not once, but twice?
Does anyone read these things before they go live? When I saw that glaring error, I double-checked to see if I was on Jim Bob’s Funsy-o-matic Weblog ‘N Live Bait Shack, nightcrawlers $4.25 a pound, satirical commentary provided while-u-wait.
September 7th, 2009 at 1:18 am
this article might have been good if it had been written by someone funny.
September 7th, 2009 at 1:12 am
surely you meant “I know kung-fu”
September 7th, 2009 at 1:11 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8T69TApX_Y&feature=related
September 7th, 2009 at 1:00 am
Haha, that so so friggin hilarious, I haven’t laughed this hard at a Cracked article in ages!
So good.
September 6th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Unbelieveable. When I first read the title I though to myself: “I bet these fights can’t be as bad as the one I saw once when I was flipping channels at 5 AM and landed on some godawful movie”. But I was wrong - the fight I saw that time is your no. 1 !!!
September 6th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
another epically crafted cracked article. well played.
September 6th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
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September 6th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Does anyone else think ‘Iranian Chuck Norris’ looks like Benicio Del Toro?
September 6th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
If Chuck Norris ever faced off with Sultan Rahi in a Pakistani movie, rest assured Chuck Norris’ earth crushing punches will be merely ‘deflected’ away by the late Sultan Rahi’s moustache as if they were nothing.
RIP Sultan Rahi
September 6th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
Wow! Did you guys leave work early on this list?
How could you forget the most epic fight involving the secret art of war known as Gymkata!
September 6th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
“You’ve never taken a fist-pump how it was meant to be taken: At the expense of a man’s life. And that is truly the sweetest pump of all.”
I can’t believe i’ve wasted my pumps on video games! lol truly brilliant article sir, i salute you.
September 6th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
“(you’re welcome, nerds) ”
Thank you, Mr. Brockway.
September 6th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Excellent article, but one correction, if I may. The man in “Kalka” that you credit as the bass player from Queen is incorrect. That guy didn’t have a mustache. That actor is actually White Goodman from “Dodgeball”, in full dodge-armor.
I hope this helps.
September 6th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
I think I almost died laughing so hard. You just got a new fan Brockway. Fucking hilarious.
September 6th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
While it is not actually a movie, I am both shocked and appalled that the Gorn fight scene is not here. It is awesome enough to make the list despite not being a movie.
September 6th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
It seems David Byrne was the star of “Undefeatable.” Maybe those are just deleted scenes from “Stop Making Sense.”
September 6th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Brockway’s badassery is an example to live by
September 6th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
That scene from They Live makes too much sense. If one of them started shooting fireballs from his hands for no obvious reason, then we’re getting somewhere.
September 6th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Dude… only 3? There should be a minimum for lists…
That said, thank you for bring video #2 into my life. Whoever did the editing was on some kind of drug that makes crack look like Tylenol.
September 6th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
No, this is the worst fight scene of all time:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tx7PYAAOwxE
September 6th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Those are great, but I feel I have one that I wish you could have added. Awhile back I randomly found a fight scene between two werewolves, they kung-fu fought through the night until they randomly disappeared.
I wish I could link, but just like they did in the video, I could never find the video again or anything related to kung-fu werewolves.
September 6th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
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September 6th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
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September 6th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
this clip totally deserves a spot on this list. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1bpd9otWiA
stick sodomy from afar has never seemed so bad ass.
trivia: the dude is now a senator.
September 6th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
You know how people leave comments and they repeat the parts that made them laugh especially hard? I was going to do that for this article, but realized everyone would be pissed if i copy/pasted the whole damn thing! Great job, Mr. Brockway
September 6th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Wow. One of my favorites that I’ve read.
September 6th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
My favorite spot in Undefeatable (that’s not a word, is it?) starts at 1:35 with the face grab and then the homoerotic stand off. When the woman walks in she lowers her face in shame. Then, she notices the towel and wields it like you wouldn’t wield a nunchaku.
September 6th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Why was there no mention of the puns at the end… absolutely magical.
“Keep an eye out”
“Yeah… see ya”
September 6th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
That may have been short, but, purely for its research yielding three ball-quakingly funny clips, it was brilliant.
September 6th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
[...] Fuente: Cracked. [...]
September 6th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Also, after thinking about it a moment, I just realized: Its a Sunday, tomorrow is Labor Day. I’m sure Brockway is still doing work on his book too, so yeah, that explains why its shorter than usual, and maybe just a bit outside of his usual style
September 6th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Interesting, yet short, article, but I’m glad it had videos because the text is a bit misleading, especially for Undefeatable. I think Kalka should get an award for Fight Scene With Most Ridiculously Excessive Sound Effects. It was like a cross between Monty Python and Dragon Ball Z.
As a side note, I don’t think They Live counts as a Baffling Fight scene. The fight was just a normal street-brawl fight to me. Hard Ticket to Hawaii has a fucking frisbee battle, Kalka makes very little sense in every sense of the word sense, and Undefeatable is just ear-piercingly ridiculous, and poorly choreographed.
I actually enjoyed the fight scene from They Live, even if the concept was a bit silly. I’m just glad they showed what was so special about those damn glasses at the end.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
I’m not sure why you’d jump to the conclusion that the Pakistani punch out bullets. It’s much more likely that their guns shoot out fists.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
auehuhae very funny
September 6th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
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September 6th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
For number two, that is the first time during a live-action fight scene that I heard sound effects from the dragon ball z series.
September 6th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Total travesty not to include They Live’s epic 5 minute fight scene.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsZpdUUdd3I
September 6th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
though it is apparent that both suffer from severe lower back pain, as every single movement is accompanied by painful screaming.
Pure comedy gold, right there! Laugh out fucking loud!
September 6th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
every sound in Pakistani - from the crying of a newborn babe to the sizzling of a hot pan on a quiet Sunday morn - is gunfire.
Im in pakistan and yeah its true. but if u sneeze it sounds like a blast and if u fart, an atomic bomb blast.
September 6th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
+1 for use of the subtle use of the word fugue.
September 6th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
You know, video probably would’ve made this article ALOT better. But, I walk away from this with one nagging question:
“Where in the world IS Carmen San Diego?”
September 6th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Holy shit, I just watched Hard Ticket to Hawaii with my girlfriend last night (she had never seen an Andy Sidaris movie). That scene was pretty bizarre - how did the guy throw the razor-frisbee without losing a couple of fingers? But there’s also the guy shooting the blowup doll with a bazooka and also the bad ass Columbian drug lord who screams like little girl when he sees the snake.
I highly recommend any of Andy Sidaris’ movies, but Hard Ticket to Hawaii is one of the best. Plus, it’s got a theme song that will make you want to hang yourself when it gets stuck in your head: “Haaarrrd ticket to Hawaaaaiii! It’s not paradise all the time!”
September 6th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
fucking hilarious Brockway!
September 6th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Brockway,
Heaven love you (as God knows many of us do)…. but there is no excuse for having a three item list when you could have thrown in They Live and had four.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsZpdUUdd3I
They are fighting over putting on a pair of goddamn sunglasses. And they fight about it for five minutes straight. The sheer baffling insanity of it all makes it work, somehow.
Apart from that, great job as always.
September 6th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Undefeatable parodied…it’s…a bit gay:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wj2iQAQfqpA
September 6th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I wish I hadn’t already seen that last clip. The frisbee one was great enough, though
September 6th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
“Hard Ticket to Hawaii” is from 1987. You’re picking on the wrong decade. The 80’s would kick your ass while wearing a pink t-shirt under a white suit- or possibly geometric patterned neon parachute pants and gold chains. The 90’s would kick your ass with a plaid shirt tied around it’s waist, or in all black while crying.
September 6th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I like to think that the dude and the lady high-fived after their puns.
September 6th, 2009 at 11:26 am
my brain…i…..i think it exploded….
September 6th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Cracked already did an article on Undefeatable
http://www.cracked.com/article_15082_p3.html
Oh well. It was still a great read.
September 6th, 2009 at 11:20 am
I’m still baffled by that pommel horse in the middle of the alley in the fight scene from Gymkata.
September 6th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Hahaha…you neglected to point out the funniest shit about Undefeatable….the cool dry wit delivered at the end!
“I’ll keep an EYE out for you, Stingray”
Now, at this point, the hero definitely needs to one-up her zinger. It can’t be a sliding scale. He shouldn’t even say anything if he can’t come up with something funnier than hers. But there he goes..
“Yea. See ya!”
Really?
September 6th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Great article. But you spelled “duel” wrong.
September 6th, 2009 at 11:02 am
If you’ve never seen Undefeatable then do yourself a favor and watch it now. It’s available on YouTube, and it’s one of the most hilarious, poorly-conceived and executed martial arts movies ever.
It’s like someone took all the dumbest parts of the early 90s, put them in a blender, and somehow they became a movie print.
September 6th, 2009 at 10:59 am
I am suprised “they Live” isn’t in here. 5 mins of pure lame ass fighting for a fruitless action.
September 6th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Dude, the chick in the last video is Cynthia Rothrock, legendary C-list karate-movie babe-heroine. The mere fact that she’s in that clip makes it awesome.
September 6th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Okay, so, yeah, that last clip was awesome. Wasn’t that Cynthia Rothrock? This is just her kind of movie, so, I’m not surprised.
September 6th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Holy CRAP. Those last two were AMAZING.
I never knew sound effects could make the world a brighter place!
September 6th, 2009 at 10:39 am
[...] Mai sunt inca 2 scene pe care le gasiti aici. [...]
September 6th, 2009 at 10:35 am
[...] The three most baffling fight scenes in movie history [...]
September 6th, 2009 at 10:33 am
the article was hilarious…i cudn’t stop laughin!
September 6th, 2009 at 10:31 am
I’m surprised they did put the fight scene from They Live between Roddy Piper and Keith David. It is basically a 5 minute roshambo contest where Roddy Piper is trying to get Keith David’s character to try on the special glasses. Keith David’s character was fighting because he refused to put them on in the first place. Then after winning the fight he put them on anyway. It was strange and hilarious at the same time.
September 6th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Articles like this are the reason I come to Cracked every day.
Thank you, Sir.
September 6th, 2009 at 10:23 am
What, no Gymkata? Seriously???
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gTkUcXGF_Q&feature=related
September 6th, 2009 at 10:22 am
first two were kinda lame but third one more than made up for it.
I CAN SMELL THE DEVIL!
September 6th, 2009 at 10:19 am
excellent, hadn’t laughed like this in a while
September 6th, 2009 at 10:18 am
That was awesome. Good job.
September 6th, 2009 at 10:17 am
No amount of words can describe what can only be known as the three retarded epics of film.
September 6th, 2009 at 10:16 am
dudes….the final fight scene in Motel Hell is the trippiest, gayest thing i have ever seen. its a friggen chain saw fight, as if that was even possible. maybe the fight just seems especially ludacris to me b/c i watched it on shrooms, but im pretty sure even sober it makes zero cents
September 6th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Epic Success!
September 6th, 2009 at 9:44 am
amazing, normally only 3 things would be bad, but the qualityis so high that this makes this post verymemorable. And the puns at the end of the third clip keep an eye out for you yea…see ya are more painful than imaginable.
Great job.
September 6th, 2009 at 9:36 am
This just got more and more hilarious with every sentence. A+
September 6th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Eyeballocaust?
Great article. And was it just me or were all the sound effects in that second movie from the Streets of Rage games? Until it turned into Pacman at the end, of course.
September 6th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Bravo Brockway!
Even I have seen the last clip on here before it was a pretty fine article I have to say!
September 6th, 2009 at 9:26 am
I didn’t know Seanbaby got two articles this week.
September 6th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Brockway, I am ashamed at you saying that a towel is not a weapon. Have you never even heard of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy?
September 6th, 2009 at 9:24 am
So, are you TRYING to be Seanbaby? This wasn’t that good at all.
September 6th, 2009 at 9:07 am
ROFL at the last movie…. the response at the yeah
“Yeah… see ya”… ROFL…. omg.. I about peed myself.
September 6th, 2009 at 8:53 am
On behalf of all the nerds… Thank you… Glad to see random D&D references are not dead. Funny stuff dude!
September 6th, 2009 at 8:42 am
I laughed so uncontrolably at the end of the last movie, The girl says a witty line, and the guy, trying to be tough ” Yeah… See you later.” What a dumbfuck!
September 6th, 2009 at 8:40 am
When shooting Random Action (www.randomaction.info) Episode 5, the final episode in my online action show, we watched the last video in preparation. Nothing is better than the slowmo double punch to the face. Just watch as he looks back at the fist that has just punched him, reconciling his fate to be punched again.
September 6th, 2009 at 8:26 am
‘It’s an eyeball holocaust!’
Genius.
September 6th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Best piece in a long long time. Cracked seems to finally be coming out of the recession. Oh and it is a bit unexpected with a list of just 3 scenes but hell the quality far outweighs the quantity.
Thanks for making me laugh today…
September 6th, 2009 at 8:06 am
If I ever go into Witness Protection, I’m changing my name to Sadaf Magnum.
September 6th, 2009 at 8:05 am
I want to use the sounds effects from Kalka for the Mortal Kombat pinball game I’ve been working on.
September 6th, 2009 at 7:59 am
My favorite part in the undefeatable fight scene was when the woman quips “KEEP AND EYE OUT for him”, and then the man struggles for a second, and then says…..”see ya.”
September 6th, 2009 at 7:58 am
I was thinking the fight scene in They Live would certainly be on here. It feels like it takes up a quarter of the movie, it just happens as a result of, “Hey, try these sun glasses on” between two friends; it doesn’t advance the plot in any way whatsoever; and did I mention it’s really long?
September 6th, 2009 at 7:48 am
May I just say that the 2nd fight scene was the greatest 2 minutes of my life? I will now proceed to end my pathetic existence in dignity…SOMEONE TOSS ME THE FRIS-O-DEATH!
September 6th, 2009 at 7:43 am
one time i ate so many burgers that i pooped myself but i kept eating
September 6th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Ok, this is literally the third time I’ve seen the Undefeatable clip on this site. It’s time to move on, Cracked.
September 6th, 2009 at 7:37 am
[...] Most Baffling Fight Scenes in Movie History Jump to comments Posted in: Featured There’s a new column up at Cracked here, regarding Jerry Curled mullets eating out knives, cyclical hell-fights where all fists are [...]
September 6th, 2009 at 7:35 am
the thrower video is Ron Moss from the soap B&B
September 6th, 2009 at 7:15 am
Number 2 is what happens when you take to many drugs and drink to much coffee and then go and edit a film
September 6th, 2009 at 7:08 am
“3″ most baffling?
Underachievers.
September 6th, 2009 at 6:56 am
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September 6th, 2009 at 6:41 am
Cuneyt Arkin’s material destroys all of aforementioned, and easily…:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AslVdN-zkV4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzaWJTOlca4
September 6th, 2009 at 6:30 am
Elbow 2 the tits FTW!
Also, that is no meat/science plant. The prof was just there to pick up his dry cleaning and they did not get the stain on the left pocket out, hence the aggression.
September 6th, 2009 at 6:25 am
I love these all scenes.
September 6th, 2009 at 5:59 am
And yeah. I love ya brockway, but you’re treading on dangerous ground with the comic-style panels. At least you didn’t use Seanbaby’s classic comic-style font. Hopefully he won’t try to start a slo-mo knife fight, or god-forbid, a beach frisbee match, with you.
September 6th, 2009 at 5:55 am
Yeah, I’m a bit disappointed with the 3 item list, too. I thought the required minimum was 5. Still though, funny stuff.
Regarding the first one - wtf is the protagonist wearing? Is that a woman’s one-piece bathing suit??? Also the line he gives his girl as she runs off is great, “Hey - you’ve got a great ass!” I love it.
And regarding the second one, all I can say is WOW. Just… wow…
September 6th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Sivaji
September 6th, 2009 at 5:42 am
Oh wow, no way dude, you did pick some real doozies!
RT
http://www.anon-tools.vze.com
September 6th, 2009 at 5:36 am
that really is the best fight scene of all time
September 6th, 2009 at 5:32 am
this isn’t brockway’s usual style. whats going on here?
September 6th, 2009 at 5:31 am
I loved the bit in the last video when the back of Lambert’s shirt was ripped, he looked at the damage zone, and then just started screaming. The salesman then checked to see if his sleeves were ripped, and seeing that they were fine, deemed it fine to take off his shirt in a dramatic manner, closely followed in this by Lambert, who did not wish to be the only guy at the party wearing a shit (and by party I mean whatever the hell that was). If anyone can explain the logic behind this to me, I will be amazed.
September 6th, 2009 at 5:31 am
WHOA WHOA HANG ON A fucking minute. It’s not just “The bass player from Queen”. The man’s name is John Deacon, the only Queen survivor with dignity intact. Carry on….
September 6th, 2009 at 5:20 am
Sorry, but this still wins at baffling fight scene-ness: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTqAfJYWe58
It’s hard to go wrong with The Prisoner.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:51 am
Me so horny!
September 6th, 2009 at 4:51 am
“Adam Lambert, again forgetting that knives must be pointed into things, repeatedly tries to woo the world’s most dedicated car salesman by presenting him with the gift of blades; he heartbreakingly refuses.”
One of the best lines I’ve read in a CRACKED.com article in a looong time.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:44 am
“Suddenly - sporting a denim camel-toe so prominent that, according to SAG contracts, it’s technically credited as a speaking part - a woman enters the fray!”
Fucking hilarious, nice job.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:39 am
That final one was actually on Cracked’s list of the 5 worst fight scenes ever. I guess you could call it epic, although some of us have seen it before.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:39 am
Trying to PLAY seanbaby at his own game.
PLAY
September 6th, 2009 at 4:38 am
Brockway’s trying to pay Seanbaby at his own game down at the end. I’m hoping there’s a feud coming on.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:38 am
Someone likes the bar scene from Kiss Kiss Bang Bang…
September 6th, 2009 at 4:32 am
Cousin Larry from Perfect Strangers is pretty badass. After losing an eye, he still manages to do pretty well against the shirtless and slinged.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:15 am
Well, that was baffling even by the standard of this website’s usual posts. Well done!
September 6th, 2009 at 4:13 am
That chick in the third one is Cynthia Rothrock, she was pretty much the first white chick to get all Jackie Chan on shit. In fact she may have even been in a film or two with him, definately with Richard Norton. Both her and Richard made plenty of chinatown type films and a couple of american based super flops. When she wasn’t trying to look like Heman or shit kick everything that moved she wasn’t a bad looker.
Overall though WTF. A 3 item list and the top one wasn’t even a “fight” scene. There are plenty more lameass fights than this around even on youtube, and another dozen or so vid sharing sites with even more variety.
Typical weekend shit.