Last week the world was gripped by the story of Balloon Boy, a small child trapped in a balloon as it sailed over the landscape below. To make a stupid story short, it turns out the kid wasn’t in the balloon, was instead hiding in the attic the whole time and has a father who is now at risk of being pelted with fruit every time he steps outdoors.
However the parts of that story concerning idiots were uninteresting to me, given my heavy exposure to idiots on the Internet already. What sparked my imagination was the idea of a madman working on antiquated methods of transportation in his backyard and getting his children to test them, like they were monkeys or something.
Truthfully, I was amazed I hadn’t thought of it myself. Children share many of the same characteristics of monkeys, in that they’re trainable, lightweight and love bananas. However, unlike monkeys, few people actually care about the welfare of children, making them ideally suited for such dangerous work. I have to applaud the boy’s father’s genius. Sending children into the sky in wacky Victorian modes of transport would make for incredible TV. Hell, we just watched it make for incredible TV. Someone get on this.
Because no one ever “gets on something” when I ask them to, I decided to do a bit of research on this myself. Below are 18 of the most preposterous methods of transport I could find. It turns out that many of these are hilarious even independent of their ability to endanger children.
_______
The downside with conventional hot air balloons is that you’re basically at the mercy of the winds when it comes to where you’re going to go. Here that problem has been solved by harnessing the predictable forces of an angry elephant.
_____
A Tricycle built for nine. Perfect for taking your entire family on a trip to the park or down to the Thunderdrome to fight for your meal. I seriously hope they have a parking brake on this thing, because a lot of people are going to lose a lot of hit points if it starts rolling.
_____
“English women are frigid ice queens. I bet American women will put out for my genius. Here I come, America.”
_____
Wow. This businessman looks determined. “There is no way some GODDAMNED OCEAN is going to keep me from winning that Jenkins account.”
_____
Propeller powered monorail. I don’t know enough about aerodynamics or mechanical engineering to know whether this is a good idea or not, but I do know that these would make those railroad-crossing safety videos 10 times funnier.
_____
It’s hard to tell when it’s not in motion, but those three wings coming out each side of this lunatic device are actually meant to rotate in the manner of an egg beater. If built, this would have been the only known aircraft powered by the embarrassment of its occupants.
_____
“With my new Enveloping Unicycle, I can travel twice as fast and in three times the style. If only I had some place to go.”
_____
Most of us will be familiar with autogyro contraptions from that wild-eyed, snake throwing motherfucker from The Road Warrior. But few know that these were actual things that were actually built by real grown up people who wore ties and hats and everything.
This one is called the Fairey Rotodyne, and isn’t technically an autogyro. It’s actually a gyroplane – the difference being that the top rotors are themselves propelled. In this case, by fucking jet motors mounted in the rotor tips. There’s a video of it flying here. The project was eventually canceled, and the Rotodyne destroyed, doomed for being too beautiful to exist in a world such as ours.
_____
This is a three man, four-wheeled, pedal-powered cycle. It was featured heavily in a series of novellas from around the turn of the century about a group of teenagers and their dog who went around solving mysteries.
_____
“Hey! Jebeidiah!”
“Yes, Samuel?”
“Fuck you!” –zooms off-
_____
“I was wrong. American women are frigid, too. Well let’s see if Canadian women like the cut of my jib.”
_____
“Gracious. I can see why ladyfolk like riding these so much.”
_____
An illustration of Robur’s airship from Jules Verne’s famous series of novels about the air pirate. Robur used it to conduct raids on the industrial nations of the world, but after analyzing its design, modern engineers agree it could also be used to save your game or reform your party.
_____
Similar to the Mystery Machine above, this was a tricycle designed for police officers to be able to transport an Irishman to jail in great haste. For balance issues, it was recommended the rearmost passenger have an enormous mustache.
_____
I honestly have no idea. Someone here’s clearly misinterpreted a textbook figure on the density of hay.
_____
Wow. Lots going on here. One, it turns out sulky isn’t a made up a word, and is simply a name for a two wheel carriage that my city-boy ears never learned. Two, it’s made by an Italian, so you know it’s reliable. Three, 116 miles per hour. Fuck you common sense, I want one of these, and I want it yesterday.
_____
“Gentle sirs, with this device, I guarantee that you shall not find a more civilized way to convey your lady at high speeds into a marsh and Expire.”
_____
“Can you believe these Canadian women, Reginald? I can’t believe I came all the way here for these bitches.”
“That is too bad, Victor.”
“I suppose something good has come of it though.”
“You mean how you’ve perfected your Two Person Crotchpiston Drive?”
“No, Reginald. I mean how I’ve made a friend.”
_____
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November 17th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Bikes that go on the water still exist, I have ridden on one in Florida.
November 15th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Bravo. Very funny pictures and an amusing narrative with a hysterical ending. Bookmarking…
November 10th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
The main problem with nearly half of these inventions is how the fuck do you steer them?
November 5th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
The more I read it, the more it impresses me. I don’t know how I ever worked without hilarious and funny things in our life, Life would be so much easier especially when there’s a jokes here and there. Being funny is nice because a lot of serious people are lacking with this kind of behavior that is why they are much look older. I would like to thank you for your outstanding blog post. Keep it up! Awesome!
November 4th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Great ideas! lol. The water wheel thing looked pretty sweet.
November 4th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
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November 3rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
I pee’d a little I laughing so hard!!!
October 29th, 2009 at 5:56 am
hilarious!! Well written/ researched.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:49 am
Fuck you! (Zooms off). Genius
October 28th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
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October 27th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Long live Victor and Reginald!
Great job, Chris! I laughed so hard my kids came running over to look at the crazy pictures with me.
October 27th, 2009 at 9:12 am
@moris M: That thing looks like an old lawnmower…
It bugs me that things as awesome as some of those above have been discarded by science while (even) now vehicles outragiously more retarded than them are being thought up and actually made. One of these include a jellyfish-like contraption filled with some sort of gas.
BTW, all the monowheel like things made me think about that rectum-powered thing “it” from southpark
October 25th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
The rotodyne doesn’t look like that bad of an idea though.. you wouldnt need runways or anything lol
October 25th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Man, look at this shit.
Is it any great wonder that Someecards loves Victorian England?
These dudes are the only motherfuckers who make picking up a whore look dignified.
And they’re always hilarious.
Shame about the “been dead for 200 years” thing.
October 25th, 2009 at 2:48 am
Brilliant article! However, I saw some documentaries about some even weirder things - I remember a bizarre vessel (that supposed to fly I guess) in the era of Wright brothers with some kind of apparatus which resembled a popping umbrella.
Here’s our local wacko inventor and his one-axis automobile.
http://free-ka.htnet.hr/dt/zanimljivosti.htm
The page is in Croatian, so use an online translator to get a clue what it’s about.
He claims his thingie is perfectly safe, but then again, he also claims Earth does not produce gravity, only atmospheric pressure. No wonder moguls of car industry weren’t overwhelmed.
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Who cares??? My boyfriend thinks the same with me. He is eight years older than me, lol. We met online at —– EUAgeless —C o m —- nice and free place for younger women and older men, or older women and younger men, to interact with each other. Maybe you wanna check out or tell your friends.
October 22nd, 2009 at 7:32 pm
[...] 18 hilarious modes of transport that science gave up on too soon – The propeller powered monorail looks particularly special [...]
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:32 pm
I wish to hear more about the epic tales of our dear friend Victor. Awesome job on this article!
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:13 pm
It was like 18 alright craptions at once. So although it was kind of funny, not really new on any level.
October 22nd, 2009 at 11:53 am
Loved the Final fantasy reference, Bucholz
October 22nd, 2009 at 10:27 am
I read this again, and literally sat in front of the screen and laughed until I cried.
The thunderdome comment and the angry elephant are my faves.
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:04 am
Munkzilla, I believe it to be in reference to VI, since that was the first FF game to have an airship be the point at which you could finagle with your party. The previous games did have airships, but you usually only had 4 characters at that time (FFIV had a group of 5, but I don’t think you managed to stuff them all into the airship at once), so FFVI was the first in the FF series.
I hate people that think FFVII is the beginning of the series…
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:18 am
hahaha, the last caption is awsome!!
October 21st, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Another classic, Bucholz! Truly you are the funniest Cracked writer!
October 21st, 2009 at 9:08 pm
OK, I’m just going to agree with everyone else and say this is the best article on this site in a very long while.
The embarrassment-propelled aircraft, the subtle Shera reference, the Jenkins account, the counter-balancing moustache and Jebediah’s pwnage at the hands of Samuel made for an instant classic.
Thankyou, Mr Bucholz.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:54 pm
The Horseless Sulky is from 1935 - you’d have thought it would be in production by now…
October 21st, 2009 at 7:02 pm
Very entertaining, Mr. Bucholz. Especially the airship. Totally looks like something out of Final Fantasy.
October 21st, 2009 at 6:55 pm
perfect.
October 21st, 2009 at 5:20 pm
This is a great list, though links and more information would be great. One problem though, the second to the last one looks like a poorly done photoshopping job. Why was it included with historical drawings and images?
October 21st, 2009 at 3:10 pm
The sulky is like a two-person version of Mr. Garrison’s “It” LMAO.
October 21st, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Loved it!!
The Jenkins account comment and the part about FU common sense I wanted this yesterday had me on the floor
October 21st, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Extremely funny.
October 21st, 2009 at 11:02 am
This was great. absolutely hilarious. Articles like this are the reason I still read Cracked every day.
October 21st, 2009 at 10:48 am
This entry is brilliantly funny. You should be proud.
October 21st, 2009 at 10:40 am
Hilarious. thank you for making me laugh so hard that I cried (and almost peed to be honest). I needed this today.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:47 am
under the Sulky two wheels:
so what did u mean it was made by an Italian??
October 21st, 2009 at 9:45 am
I’m such a nerd- I spotted the five weeks in a balloon reference on the first picture.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:25 am
The exchange between Jedediah and Samuel is the funniest thing that I have ever read.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:10 am
I second Radia. There’s a ridiculous amount of games that feature airships which allow you to fiddle with your party and save your games. How can you even point out which specific Final Fantasy it’s refferencing when almost ALL of them use the airship in that way?
Also, awesome article. I’m in a library right now and was having a hard time not laughing out loud.
October 21st, 2009 at 8:58 am
The Samuel-Jebediah one was the best, but honestly, how could you not take advantage of the “queer” in the description of the horeseless sulky?
October 21st, 2009 at 8:28 am
don’t dispare science hasn’t thrown in the towel yet, check this http://thechive.com/2009/10/futuristic-concept-coupe-aka-waste-of-money-9-photos/
October 21st, 2009 at 8:09 am
Dude, Effing hilarious.
October 21st, 2009 at 6:26 am
I was laughing at almost everything, but this was my personal favorite:
“Hey! Jebeidiah!”
“Yes, Samuel?”
“Fuck you!”
hahahahahha….
October 21st, 2009 at 6:24 am
Not really get it!! do you??
Just wanna say, oh, F*ck! she’s hot!!
really hope we fellows could make out with one hot chick like her somewhere; then, my bros told me to check out __ Tallconnect. com __ that online hot tall girls and chicks mingle and dating site!! hope this time, it will work out!!!LOL
October 21st, 2009 at 6:15 am
[...] Sometimes Science Throws in the Towel Too Soon (Cracked.com) [...]
October 21st, 2009 at 6:11 am
@magicalpants
It has to be FFVII because you say it is? You can save and switch party members in VI on the airship as well. Hell, it could be a reference to Skies of Arcadia, or any other RPG with an airship.
Either way it was a funny reference that most roleplayers were expecting. Stop analyzing it so much and take what you want from the joke.
October 21st, 2009 at 5:38 am
“modern engineers agree it could also be used to save your game or reform your party.”
Sounds like a nice FFVII reference to me!
October 21st, 2009 at 5:31 am
“Yes, Samuel?”
“Fuck You!”
Effing hilarious.
October 21st, 2009 at 5:00 am
Hilarious, like a wet fart in white underpants…
October 21st, 2009 at 4:01 am
The enveloping unicycle picture, the handlebars and seat aren’t attached to anything… I fear for that mans well being
October 21st, 2009 at 2:07 am
The second to last picture, with the couple on the board walk, appears to have been done in msPaint.
The background appears to be visable through the backpack like thing they’re both wearing. Also the rest of the contraption has been drawn with straight edge percision and in pitch black.
The original picture looks real though.
October 21st, 2009 at 1:25 am
It’s the frakkin’ Highwind, dammit!!!
October 21st, 2009 at 1:23 am
thanks cracked, I will surely use those in my comic books
October 20th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
I…I think he made a Skies of Arcadia reference with the Air Pirate ship…awesome!
October 20th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
That was awesome.
October 20th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
“Robur used it to conduct raids on the industrial nations of the world, but after analyzing its design, modern engineers agree it could also be used to save your game or reform your party.”
ahahahaha
I love you Chris Bucholz
October 20th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
The best part is that it wasn’t tl;dr.
October 20th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
This was awesome. Most out loud laughs I’ve had from a Cracked article in a while.
October 20th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
typical boring canadian column. ( I refuse to capitalize canadian because it isn’t good enough to be capitalized)
October 20th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
its not FFX or FFVI its FFVII okay…
October 20th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Epic!
October 20th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
fucking brilliant.
October 20th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
My god this is the funniest article. I love the comments to go with it.
October 20th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
Judging by the lack of seat belts or airbags on that tricycle built for nine a lot of people are going to lose a lot of hit points if it stops rolling too.
October 20th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Welcome to __Sugarloves-COM__,you what the site is?
October 20th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
You forgot this invention!
The Entity
Mr. Garrison gets fed up with long lines, delayed flights and the airline industry in general and invents his own transportation device.
http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/103926/
October 20th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
I figured that was a Final Fantasy reference, but I don’t play FF. My brother does though, so I immediately thought of the giant airship in FFX.
October 20th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
Loved the esoteric final fantasy reference. The whole article was one of the funniest on this site, ever.
October 20th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
this is golden, im not going to lie.
October 20th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Loved the final fantasy VI reference.
One of the better articles I’ve read on here in a long time, reminds me of why i bookmarked the website in the first place
October 20th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Most heartwarming article since the one about inspirational 80’s music.
October 20th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
its all men
October 20th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
I love this article, and give a giant “fuck you” to all the people that bash its “originaility” who even cares? Its still hilarious, I guess those people have nothing better to do then baw like angry retards when they see something that everyone else thinks is funny. Whatever. This article is gold, and it makes me giggle, and thats all that matters.
October 20th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
This whole thing was a bad ripoff of marriedtothesea.
October 20th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
good stuff but swaim is still best
October 20th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
The ending was quite heartwarming.
October 20th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
I apploud you, Bucholz. More excellent work.
October 20th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
I think Chris Bucholz is making a push here for funniest Cracked columnist. He’s been much funnier than usual recently, and Michael Swaim doesn’t seem to write anything any more, Dan O’Brien won’t shut up about his scrotum and its fictional abilities, Seanbaby was clearly the fat kid at school who did judo on Saturday mornings but wasn’t very good, and I can’t even remember Ross Wolinsky’s name…I think we have ourselves a new best columnist.
October 20th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
the density of hay thing was hilarious
October 20th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
So. Funny.
Wow, seriously, I’m glad I’m home alone, because I was laughing a LOT and probably sounded like a hyena with a learning impairment. What a great article.
October 20th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Were no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do i
A full commitments what Im thinking of
You wouldnt get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how Im feeling
Gotta make you understand
* never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
Weve know each other for so long
Your hearts been aching
But youre too shy to say it
Inside we both know whats been going on
We know the game and were gonna play it
And if you ask me how Im feeling
Dont tell me youre too blind to see
(* repeat)
Give you up. give you up
Give you up, give you up
Never gonna give
Never gonna give, give you up
Never gonna give
Never gonna give, five you up
I just wanna tell you how Im feeling
Gotta make you understand
October 20th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Spectacular show my good man. These contraptions, while somewhat confounding from a rational and logical perspective, are among the most amazing things I’ve seen short of the 1907 World’s Fair or the whorehouse in Bakersfield VA. A jolly good time was had by all participants I’m sure. Particularly those lucky people on the ground under the man and woman-helicopter device, because they could easily look up the woman’s dress and be unimpressed at her corset, granny panties, and hairy legs!
October 20th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Yes, frak you common sense. I want a horseless sulky now. The thing looks like a monster truck just, you know… minus rednecks. The wheels on it are probably heavy enough to crush oncoming traffic. Who the hell needs seatbelts or a windshield when you can just literally roll over everything in your path?
At 116 miles per hour.
October 20th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
It’s not supposed to be a bale of hay, but rather more like a windsock? The air would blow through it and, theoretically, make the vehicle lift. Also, I think there’s probably supposed to be another arm with a propeller on the other side of it, but it was removed to show the pedaling machanism.
Probably still wouldn’t fly, though.
October 20th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Love the Final Fantasy reference. Love it.
October 20th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Good sir, I do request a shipment of 2 horseless sulkies posthaste! Please send them upon the noon autogyro mail. Good day!
October 20th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
awwww
October 20th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
check out http://makefunofmyfriends.com because your friends arre !@#$% Idiots!
October 20th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Pizzacat, get a fucking life. This website is SUPPOSED to be filled with dirty language.
October 20th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Ahhh, that Rodur’s plane cutout makes me dizzy. Is it just my dang astigmatism, or do other people feel the same?
October 20th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
I smell a buddy comedy! Victor and Reginald, traveling the world in their crotchpiston bike, looking for any woman who will have them! Quick! Someone get in talks with Paul Rudd and Romany Malco!
October 20th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Ok, seriously, why the hell don’t we have the Rotodyne now? It seems too good to pass up! What, the jets of today too fast? It’ll tear the poor little thing apart? Bullshit. With modern day tech, you can make a stronger rotodyne! With missiles! And a giant pincer!
Also, that little gag you had with the guy going to America then Canada and winding up with a new friend? Hilarious.
October 20th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
I’ve got 99 Responses to “18 Hilarious Modes of Transport Science Gave Up On Too Soon,” but a bitch ain’t one of them.
October 20th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
” The language used on this site us unacceptable.”
Hahahahahahaha!!!
Pizzacat, I would suck Jack Daniels out of your ass in front of my grandmother!
October 20th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
… made the grade: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=9&sku=ENGL-CD00281
Know anyone that has one?
October 20th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Speaking of idiots on the Internet… look in the mirror much?
October 20th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
“Wow. Lots going on here. One, it turns out sulky isn’t a made up a word, and is simply a name for a two wheel carriage that my city-boy ears never learned. Two, it’s made by an Italian, so you know it’s reliable. Three, 116 miles per hour. Fuck you common sense, I want one of these, and I want it yesterday.”
my favorite part cuz i am thinking the exact same thing xD
October 20th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
18 Hilarious Modes of Transport Science Gave Up On Too Soon | Cracked.com…
However the parts of that story concerning idiots were uninteresting to me, given my heavy exposure to idiots on the Internet already. What sparked my imagination was the idea of a madman working on antiquated methods of transportation in his backyard …
October 20th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
[“Hey! Jebeidiah!”
“Yes, Samuel?”
“Fuck you!” –zooms off-]
[but after analyzing its design, modern engineers agree it could also be used to save your game or reform your party]
[“Gentle sirs, with this device, I guarantee that you shall not find a more civilized way to convey your lady at high speeds into a marsh and Expire.”]
I was literally laughing my ass off. My ass is now on the floor. Thanks, Chris, now I can’t sit. It’s so good to see humor has returned to Cracked.
October 20th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
“No, Reginald. I mean how I’ve made a friend.”
awwww
October 20th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
I’m somewhat surprised you didn’t list the Monocycle from Hammacher Schlemmer. http://www.hammacher.com/publish/11102.asp
Judging from the video, I guess Reginald and Victor were looking in for love in all the wrong places; ‘Gunthar’ managed to find a blonde to ride with him….
October 20th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
the language used on this site is unacceptable
October 20th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
rofl funniest thing I’ve seen in the last month
October 20th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Honesty the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. This kept me thoroughly entertained at work today. Kudos
October 20th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Solid gold.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:46 am
This article is a 7 on the classic 1-to-7 scale.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Oh man, Bucholz, I laughed so hard I almost had a heart attack. One of the funniest articles I’ve seen in some time. Keep it up.
“Fuck you common sense, I want one of these, and I want it yesterday.” Best punchline ever.
“…modern engineers agree it could also be used to save your game or reform your party.” Best subtle joke ever.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:34 am
The Fairey Gyrodyne (basically the same thing as the rotodyne but tiny. Still awesome though.) Still exists and is kept in a museum in my hometown. It’s amazing, way ahead of it’s time.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:33 am
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __ AgelessFriends.com__ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:29 am
It was the “Fuck you, common sense” that got me.
Nice one, dude.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:21 am
“For balance issues, it was recommended the rearmost passenger have an enormous mustache.”
I was laughing so hard from this point to the end, that I couldn’t laugh anymore and just sat here crying and making squeal noises.
First time I’ve ever commented….thanks for the best laugh I’ve had in a while.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:11 am
How do you turn that last one?
October 20th, 2009 at 11:02 am
I use the haybale machine to shave my arms. Works like a charm once you get the ‘hang’ of it.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:01 am
I would love to run over my niece with one of these and flatten her lousy fat lying face. Whatta thrill it mought be.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:00 am
I am a tool. I am a dangerous tool. I use many modes of transportation with the insurance paid by my aunt without her knowledge in order to do my tooling.
October 20th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Some cracked articles are not funny, most articles contain a few chuckles, and a few are downright hilarious. This is one of those hilarious articles, well done.
“I honestly have no idea. Someone here’s clearly misinterpreted a textbook figure on the density of hay.”
October 20th, 2009 at 10:47 am
“I honestly have no idea. Someone here’s clearly misinterpreted a textbook figure on the density of hay.”
I think I just fell in loooooove with you.
Lmao, great article Bucholz
October 20th, 2009 at 10:36 am
“Hey! Jebeidiah!”
“Yes, Samuel?”
“Fuck you!” –zooms off-
I had a seizure I was laughing so hard.
October 20th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Someone must write a story about Victor. I can’t do it because I am terribly unfunny.
October 20th, 2009 at 10:29 am
modern engineers agree it could also be used to save your game or reform your party.- i guess i’m a nerd too. genius bucholz…10 out of 10.
October 20th, 2009 at 10:23 am
“Robur used it to conduct raids on the industrial nations of the world, but after analyzing its design, modern engineers agree it could also be used to save your game or reform your party.” Lol I’m such a nerd
October 20th, 2009 at 10:21 am
“No Reginald. I mean how I’ve made a friend.”
d’awww
October 20th, 2009 at 10:15 am
This better win a Pulitzer.
October 20th, 2009 at 10:11 am
totally jimmy legs
October 20th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Perfect as usual.
October 20th, 2009 at 9:56 am
i agree with alex…their great tales need to be made known to the masses.
October 20th, 2009 at 9:45 am
that sulky looks a lot like the Entity from South Park! It’s time to make it happen.
October 20th, 2009 at 9:26 am
“Can you believe these Canadian women, Reginald? I can’t believe I came all the way here for these bitches.”
“That is too bad, Victor.”
“I suppose something good has come of it though.”
“You mean how you’ve perfected your Two Person Crotchpiston Drive?”
“No, Reginald. I mean how I’ve made a friend.”
That is the sweetest thing
October 20th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Wow that is just truly amazing dude!
R
http://www.anonymous.ua.tc
October 20th, 2009 at 9:23 am
its robot time(”It’s clobberin’ time”? Wouldn’t that make you a hypocrite?), please elaborate. I watch both shows and I saw no blatant references to Simpsons or Family Guy jokes. So please, use your obviously superior intellect to inform me about the jokes this article stole from Simpsons and Family Guy. Who knows, it may lead me to retract my initial belief that your head has been shoved firmly up your own ass for the last 10 years. Oh, I’m sorry, I think I stole that joke from….well, from about 100,000 different people and shows that have done it 1,000,000 times before me. Do you get what point I’m trying to make, or do I have to draw it out for you? Damn! I did it again! I guess you can’t say or do anything in this world without ripping off someone, or something.
October 20th, 2009 at 9:20 am
“Hey! Jebeidiah!”
“Yes, Samuel?”
“Fuck you!” –zooms off-
Genius. Bucholz is the best on cracked.
October 20th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Virgil and Reginald should return in a sequel of some sort. You know what to do.
October 20th, 2009 at 9:14 am
this was not that great, to be honest if i may.
October 20th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Yeah good use of some simpsons and family guy jokes…bravo.
October 20th, 2009 at 8:52 am
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October 20th, 2009 at 8:42 am
Social comments and analytics for this post…
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October 20th, 2009 at 8:41 am
I’m glad Victor found someone
October 20th, 2009 at 8:41 am
I’m honestly kinda curious why all the old timey bicycles had those enormous weels. It makes it look so akward and it can’t have been easy to stay up.
October 20th, 2009 at 8:36 am
“Hey! Jebeidiah!”
“Yes, Samuel?”
“Fuck you!” –zooms off-
I lost it at that point. Great article!
October 20th, 2009 at 8:35 am
“Gentle sirs, with this device, I guarantee that you shall not find a more civilized way to convey your lady at high speeds into a marsh and Expire.”
That picture looks photoshopped like a motherfucker.
October 20th, 2009 at 8:35 am
also, I desperately want one of those new water sport wheels.
October 20th, 2009 at 8:34 am
awesome!!!!!
October 20th, 2009 at 8:31 am
The last one reminds me of the Cleaners on Labyrinth
October 20th, 2009 at 8:31 am
I know that there’s a Japanese guy whose currently working on a personal helicopter. Also, Hay has approximately half the density of Helium, that’s how cows fly.
October 20th, 2009 at 8:30 am
This was a truly, truly beautiful article.
October 20th, 2009 at 8:26 am
‘…save your game and reform your party.’ Man was that fucking funny…
October 20th, 2009 at 8:19 am
I laughed very well. “Fuck you common sense! I want one and I want one yesterday.” BRILLIANT!
Laughed so hard I got repremanded. So yeah, do not read at work or while engaged in foreplay.
October 20th, 2009 at 8:16 am
im pretty sure the ‘hay’ is a cylindral kite or someat but that wouldnt work anyway sooooooo. awesome article
October 20th, 2009 at 8:05 am
That 116 MPH quote has to be a typo.
October 20th, 2009 at 7:59 am
THANK YOU! I am literally laughing my nose off (trying to keep my mouth closed in the cube farm)… were I not wearing pants, my arse would be clanking off down the hall. One of your best pieces!
“Fuck you common sense, I want one of these, and I want it yesterday.” Yeah, me fucking too!
Brilliant!
October 20th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Absolutely not. The sulky reached speeds of 116 miles when it was shot out of a cannon.
October 20th, 2009 at 7:55 am
Aww, the last one was well heart warming!
October 20th, 2009 at 7:55 am
lmao, good article.
October 20th, 2009 at 7:20 am
“116 miles per hour”
I’m guessing its speed was tested by having someone drive it off a cliff.
October 20th, 2009 at 7:19 am
This was lame.
October 20th, 2009 at 7:16 am
“There is no way some GODDAMNED OCEAN is going to keep me from winning that Jenkins account.”
October 20th, 2009 at 7:13 am
October 20th, 2009 at 7:11 am
Haha! Yeah last time I checked hay doesn’t float.
October 20th, 2009 at 7:10 am
I want more stories of Dr. British and Reginald as they scour the globe looking for some non frigid pussy in their Crotchpiston.
October 20th, 2009 at 7:00 am
i’m so sick of dating all these tiny women….
October 20th, 2009 at 6:59 am
A top quality article, I expect no less . Applause.
October 20th, 2009 at 6:47 am
I think that closing line made me shed a bit of a tear.
October 20th, 2009 at 6:38 am
I…I love you so much. Pure, unrefined hilarity, my good man.
October 20th, 2009 at 6:32 am
Steampunk machinery FTW!
October 20th, 2009 at 6:24 am
“Fuck you common sense, I want one of these, and I want it yesterday.”
Bucholz, I love you. <3
October 20th, 2009 at 6:12 am
pretty fucking hilarious, good job!
October 20th, 2009 at 6:12 am
I remember in my youth when I used to roll around on big wheels with a crotch-piston drive. It was as fun as it was sterilizing. I’ll miss my sperm but who could resist the call of Big Foot…
October 20th, 2009 at 6:10 am
pwntastic beat me to it.
Good article.
October 20th, 2009 at 6:08 am
The last line made me shudder with emotion
October 20th, 2009 at 6:01 am
Also, what William said.
October 20th, 2009 at 6:00 am
Go take a flying leap off a cliff, Vita.
October 20th, 2009 at 5:59 am
these things are still better than the segway
October 20th, 2009 at 5:55 am
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October 20th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Hilarious, and the ending was somewhat heartwarming. You’re slipping, Mr. Bucholz.
October 20th, 2009 at 5:51 am
“Fuck you common sense, I want one of these, and I want it yesterday.”
HAHAHAHA
Beautiful.
October 20th, 2009 at 5:39 am
“Robur used it to conduct raids on the industrial nations of the world, but after analyzing its design, modern engineers agree it could also be used to save your game or reform your party.”
Lmao, it took me a while but i got it, nice reference
October 20th, 2009 at 5:39 am
“Robur used it to conduct raids on the industrial nations of the world, but after analyzing it’s design, modern engineers agree it could also be used to save your game or reform your party.”
Subtle sir. Insidiously subtle.
October 20th, 2009 at 5:39 am
All those mustaches… I’m in love.
All this makes me think of Wondermark.
October 20th, 2009 at 5:35 am
god bless the mothers of ingenuity
October 20th, 2009 at 5:33 am
“Wow. This businessman looks determined. “There is no way some GODDAMNED OCEAN is going to keep me from winning that Jenkins account.””
Hahahahaha. AMAZING because it looks so true.
October 20th, 2009 at 5:30 am
‘a queer horseless sulky has been rolling on the roads near Brussels.’ Has to be one of the most fantastic sentences ever!
October 20th, 2009 at 5:22 am
“Robur used it to conduct raids on the industrial nations of the world, but after analyzing it’s design, modern engineers agree it could also be used to save your game or reform your party.”
That line wins the day.
October 20th, 2009 at 5:17 am
It’s hard to lower myself to the mentality of someone who thinks that an autogyro is a prop from Mad Max. Those things have been around for almost 100 years and have turned up in dozens of movies. It’s hardly a “hilarious mode of transport” and it certainly isn’t true that “science gave up” on it, considering that you can readily buy them (about $40,000, self assembly) and they are fully certified for flight in the UK and US.
Oh wait, did I miss the point of a “comedy article”?
October 20th, 2009 at 5:16 am
me 2 that probably where the creators of mario 3 go the idea from well that and tons of shrooms
October 20th, 2009 at 5:10 am
I think the waterwheel sport thing is a good idea. I shall make it. It will sell like crazy along the Hudson River, at least the Jersey side.
October 20th, 2009 at 5:04 am
That airship reminds me of Super Mario 3.
October 20th, 2009 at 5:02 am
I think i just found my activity for the winter.Building one of these.And growing a ruling mustache and 1930 clothes.
Yes.
Growing the clothes.
October 20th, 2009 at 4:47 am
Great Article!! Very funny
October 20th, 2009 at 4:44 am
Absolutely brilliant. Its amazing to see that for every great invention there are at least half a dozen retarded ones.
October 20th, 2009 at 4:37 am
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October 20th, 2009 at 4:29 am
D’aww.
October 20th, 2009 at 4:21 am
Awesome.
October 20th, 2009 at 4:14 am
“Hey! Jebeidiah!”
“Yes Samuel?”
“Fuck you!” –zooms off-