It’s no secret that I’ve been trying to break into the publishing world. Devotees will recall that my first book, Holla Atta Bitch: The Gentleman’s Guide to Snaggin’ Skanky Blonde Hoodrats is still without publisher for reasons that will never be clear to me. (From Chapter 7: “Buy her a dog so you have something to cripple if she ever disrespects you in front of your friends.”) What you may not know is that I have a few other books that I’ve been shopping around for a while, and not just that dragon-humping book or that other one. I’m talking about five, guaranteed, sure-fire hits. They all fill obvious holes in the marketplace, they all have series potential and they all, sadly, are sans publisher.
Look, I’ve seen the cookbooks on the market today. They’re OK, but you know what the problem is? They are all for people who already know how to cook, basically, or at the very least having a functioning kitchen. (A “rolling pin?” Fuck you, Julia Childs.) No one has made any cookbooks that cater to regular folks and your average Joe who would only cook when he’s absolutely forced to. I’m here to corner that market.
The Index
Sample Recipe
It’s 2011 or thereabouts. The men of yesteryear–men of steak, and beer, men of calloused hands–are dead. Modern women want sensitive, caring men. Since, at my best guest, modern women are the only people who buy books, it follows that the book-o-sphere needs sensitive, caring books. And I’m, like, eight different kinds of sensitive, like, you don’t even know. To prove it, I’ve written a series of love poems. *
From Page 3
From Page 22, Three Poems About Butts
From Page 117
I haven’t actually been to a bookstore since 1992, and even then I was lost. Are Hardy Boy mysteries still popular?
From Chapter One
It was foggy. Lightning struck the road about 100 yards ahead. DOB thought he could almost sense reluctance oozing from his old Ford Pickup. But of course that didn’t make any sense. Reluctance is an emotion, and his old Ford Pickup doesn’t have any feelings.
Or does it?
(It doesn’t.)
Lightning struck again, horizontally this time forming a smile in the dark clouds and there was a hearty guffaw of thunder to accompany.
Dark-haired Frank Hardy sat in the passenger seat, idly twirling his magnifying glass in his hands. There was plenty of room up front for a third or even a fourth person, but blond Joe Hardy rode outside in the bed of the pickup truck, because fuck that guy.
Frank rolled down the passenger-side window to let some air in. Both boys seemed to sense it: It was getting foreshadowingly uncomfortable inside. It smelled like murder outside. The fog poured in the open window, settling in between DOB and Frank, occupying the spot on the bench seat that perhaps Joe would’ve occupied, were he not such a stupid fucker.
“That fog out there sure is thick,” Frank remarked with characteristic over-excitement.
“Uh huh. And talking about it sure makes it easier to drive through. Dipshit.”
“Sorry,” Frank said quietly, and he went back to messing with his microscope, or whatever I said it was.
He was right though. You could just barely make out the rain through the fog; it was so thick. And you could just barely make out the lighting through the rain; it was so dense. And the lightning was so heavy DOB didn’t even see the ominous “DANGER AHEAD” sign on the site of the road.
“Where do you suppose this road leads, Mr. DOB? I sure hope the next stop is a mystery for us to solve!”
“I thought we said we weren’t going to talk unless there was an emergency. We had a whole conversation about it. Remember that? It was your ability to grasp the No-Talking-Unless-Something’s-on-Fire concept that got you a seat up front and What’s-His-Name a cold spot in the truck-bed.”
“Joe,” Frank offered, “is his name.” DOB pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, like his thumb was thunder and the lightning was his forefinger and they were both hitting… the… the bridge of the sky’s nose, I guess, I don’t know. Shit.
“I don’t want to know his name, Frank, I’m selling him as soon as we get to Mexico. If I learn his name, I run the risk of getting attached. Fuck, you’re thick.” Thick as thunder. Ooohhhh.
“You’re gonna sell my brother!?”
“Yeah, figured we’d go halfsies on it, maybe see some sights while we’re in town. If the policia are preoccupied, maybe we can go ahead and solve the mystery of ‘The Two Guys Who Ordered a Bunch of Mexican Hookers And Never Paid,’ if you catch my drift.”
“Oh… OK, yes, I would like that.” DOB patted Frank on the shoulder affectionately. Then slapped him a few times.
“Atta boy. But keep in mind, I am not against turning that mystery into a solo adventure, if you follow. So just keep quiet.”
“Sorry. I’m doing my best.”
Magnifying glass, that’s what it was. Well, fuck me.
“Well, I did my best not to have sex with your sister, you know? Sometimes our best just isn’t good enough.”
“…Are you saying-”
“Hey, is that lightning? Oohwee, we’re having a time here. Aren’t we having a time?” Before Frank could respond, the boys were interrupted by the sound of hard, intense banging on the back window of the old Ford Pickup. At first they thought it was thunder inside the car, but it turned out to be Joe, from the bed, pounding his fists into the glass. Frank reached to slide open the window to see what Joe had to say. DOB raised his voice.
“No no no no no no don’t- Ooohhh, you fucker, I hate you. You’re the worst.” Joe poked his stupid face through the open window.
“Guy’s, I don’t mean to be a bother,” he began, bothering, “but the storm’s getting pretty intense out here. I was just thinking that maybe we could-” Suddenly, and without warning, every passenger in the car felt and heard the unmistakable thud of an old Ford Pickup slamming into a human body. The next sound anyone heard was of the three boys shouting in unison
“Golly,” Joe yelped.
“Goodness,” Frank called.
“Fuck me,” DOB screamed, slamming on the brakes. When the old Ford Pickup finally screeched to a halt, DOB reached under his seat to retrieve his shotgun. He then grabbed the backpack the boys brought along, the backpack that was filled with a first aid kid, some food, all of their collective savings and, for reasons that were never clear to Frank and Joe, jars of urine that DOB demanded they each fill.
“Idiots,” he said, addressing the Hardy Boys. “Stay in the car and don’t come out for any reason. I don’t care if there’s a storm, or a fire or if Dipshit back there only has 20 minutes to take his birth control pills and he’s out of water- you do not get out of this car, is that clear?”
“Clear as lightning,” Frank said.
“I don’t take birth control pills,” Joe said. Frank and DOB sighed in unison.
“This fuckin’ guy. OK, Frank, do me a favor and slap the shit out of your brother for 20 minutes or so while I tend to this situation.”
“On it,” Frank said, unbuckling his seat belt and warming up his slapping hand, just like DOB taught him.
DOB walked through the mysterious rain, the feeling of lightning pumping through his veins. The thunder was blinding out here. He followed a trail of fresh blood. It was hard to follow, because of all the fog, you see. But he followed it anyway and it led right to a crumpled mess of a man on the ground.
“Fuck,” he said. “Fuck fuck fuck, oh man. OK. Fuck. Alright, this is fine. Fuck, OK. We know what to do here.” There was so much lightning around it’s not even funny.
***
Back in the car, having exhausted himself slapping the shit out of What’s-His-Name, Frank was content to sit and speculate as to what DOB was doing.
“What do you suppose he’s doing, Joe? It’s been a little over an hour.”
“I don’t know, but I know we won’t find out sitting in this car!”
“DOB told us to stay in the car, Joe, no matter what.”
“But what if it’s a mystery!”
“Settle down, Joe.”
“If Dad were around, he’d encourage us to investigate and look for clues,” Joe said. And then lightning.
“DOB said you’re the reason Dad died.”
“It was a heart attack!”
“Yeah. Brought on by your cowardice and how fat you are, DOB suspects. He’s great.” A few minutes passed, silent but for Joe’s soft weeping, tears dropping down his face like rain, which was also dropping, and also on Joe’s face.
Finally, the Hardy Boys decided to get out of the truck to investigate. As they slowly approached the body, the thunder started its crescendo. Frank’s heart beat with no discernible consistency, no rhythm. Joe screamed a minor chord. The whole ordeal was very atonal and dissonant, come to think of it.
“It’s a body,” Joe yelled.
“Yeah, I got that,” Frank said. “God, I am so sick of your shit.” But who wouldn’t be, am I right?
“I wonder where DOB is,” Joe wondered. He was nowhere in sight. “And… hey, is it just me or does this corpse smell like it was doused in my urine?” That’s a weird thing to notice.
“Hey, you’re right, Joe!” What?
“And look- he’s holding a picture of me. Is… Yeah, it looks like there’s a lock of my hair in his teeth, too. Golly, if some cop stopped by, with my DNA and picture all over this corpse, they just might think I had something to-” The boys turned, startled by the sound of the old Ford Pickup starting up and immediately speeding away. The otherwise deafening thunder seemed to cease briefly, leaving only enough time for the boys to hear DOB yell “Eat shit!” out the window as he sped on by.
As Joe, still not totally up to speed on what was happening, watched the truck drive off, Frank sprinted away into the woods. A stream of lightning got struck by lightning in the distance. The fog was deafening. Then more lightning happened. Or did it? It was all so thundery, out here, Joe wasn’t certain. Maybe he’d never be certain of anything in his life again, ever.
What an asshole.
There is a book of random tweets. A book about cats with stuff misspelled. A book about that F My Life Trend. AND there’s going to be a Look At This Fucking Hipster book (which I’m actually OK with). If you go to a bookstore and see one book based on a quick-hitting, viral blog, you’ll see a hundred books based on quick-hitting, viral blogs. And I’m not whining, or lamenting the downfall of literature or anything. I want in. All I need is a hook. So, America, you like weird animal stuff and making fun of hipsters. Alright. I’m on this.
Really, this one’s so self-explanatory I don’t even need to show any sample chapters.
But, OK.
Walk into any bookstore right now. Go ahead, pick up your computer, continue reading this and walk into a bookstore. I guarantee that you’ll find a table just loaded with the word versions of movies. Sometimes it’s a re-release of a book upon which a new movie has been based, and sometimes it’s a brand new novelization of an about-to-be-released movie. It’s like there’s an entire publishing house dedicated to making novelized versions of every movie that comes out. To speak to the demand, I’ve taken to writing the novelization of one of the most popular movies of all time.
Chapter 1
Lost Love, Serendipity and Titties
Cancun, Mexico. 1997 Spring Break.
Joe Francis sat alone in the dark, a cigarette dangling unenthusiastically from his lips. The cigarette was more ash than cigarette at this point, but Joe Francis didn’t have the energy or spirit to give it the simple flick required to send the ash sinking to the floor of his van. It was like a last-man-standing match now; the ash was building up and building up, waiting for Joe to give up and snap it away, and Joe Francis, with his stoic, bitter indifference, was content to sit and wait for the ash to abandon the cigarette as a result of its own weight. Whether the ash fell of its own accord or if Joe Francis actively flicked it away, sooner or later, someone had to win. Regardless of the outcome, Joe Francis knew he certainly wouldn’t feel like a winner.
If anyone ever thought to put words to it, and if he’d ever allow anyone to see him in this state, people might say that Joe Francis most closely resembled a broken down carousel: It was clear that, at one point, he was capable of great joy and energy and light, but all that remained now was the shell, and the memory, the idea that, once upon a time, Joe Francis had within himself the potential for brilliance.
The van of the door slid open, the Mexican air warming everything in the van except Joe. Joe’s cameraman, Randy, stood in the open doorway, his hands full of camera equipment, his pockets full of contracts and his eyes full of concern.
“Joe, man, you OK? We’re ready to shoot out here.” Randy indicated the scene behind him: thumping bass, tiki torch fires and dancing twentysomethings, the ink on their tattoos still fresh, practically dripping. Joe thought it looked more like some kind of ancient ritual than a party. And, he supposed, in a way it was.
Spring Break, that is.
“I’ll be ready in a second,” Joe said into the floor of the van.
“You know, Joe… We don’t have to do this…”Joe let out a soft, empty chuckle. Yes we do, he thought, and you know it. He took one last drag, not concerning himself with the fact that he was down to the filter at this point. Let it burn, he thought. Let me feel something.
Joe raised his eyes to Randy for the first time and stood up.
“Let’s do this.”
The ash floated lazily down to the floor.
***
The Joe Francis that strutted down the beach was a different animal from the Joe Francis who sat borderline catatonic in the official Girls Gone Wild minivan. Confident, cocky, he had a presence that demanded your attention. If the Joe Francis in the van was a broken down carousel, the Joe Francis that stormed the sand was a new rollercoaster; you knew at a look that he was dangerous, but you also knew that maybe you liked it. This was how Joe Francis found his participants.
His victims.
At the sound of some not-too-distant nervous and excited giggling, Joe Francis turned to Randy, who, professional that he is, already had his camera at the ready. The gentlemen nodded to each other and, by the time he’d turned to face the source of the giggling, Joe Francis was already armed with his charming, Cheshire Cat Grin.
Caption: Joe Francis, concealing years of inner turmoil.
It used to surprise him how quickly and effortlessly he could “turn it on.” Nothing surprises him anymore. Joe licked his lips, flipped on his microphone and made a silent prayer to coax the lump in his throat back from whence it came. Had to be a quick prayer. The victims were approaching. Time to go to work.
“Ladies, ladies, ladies,” Joe called to the excitable young women. “I must be in Anaheim or heaven; either way, all I see are angels!” The girls laughed enthusiastically and Joe Francis felt sick to his stomach. “What are you ladies here for?” He already knew the answer he was just trying to gauge their level of intoxication.
“Sprling Breeaaak,” the girls slurred in unison.
“Oh yeah? You girls lookin’ to have some fun?” Say ‘no,’ Joe Francis willed silently, say ‘no,’ and leave. End the cycle.
“Whooooo,” they answered, a universal and resounding ‘yes.’
“Alright, now that’s what I’m talking about. We’ve been looking for some party girls, we were wondering where they were hiding.”
“Right here,” the tallest of the three said. She tried adjusting the already crooked tiara in her knotted hair. She just made it worse. Her eyes were familiar. She reminded Joe Francis of Noelle.
But, then, everything reminded Joe Francis of Noelle.
“Where are you girls from,” Randy asked.
“Glassboro University,” the brunette answered. Her breath was thick with tequila, she wore a too-tight shirt that read ‘Yo quiero BEER!’ and featured a little Chihuahua with exaggerated features. Noelle loved dogs.
“Glassboro,” Joe Francis said derisively. “Forget it, Randy, turn the camera off. Glassboro girls don’t know how to party.” The three girls simultaneously attempted to slur an argument to the contrary. Randy, knowing his part, lowered the camera.
“Nah, you girls got nothing on some of the other chicks out here. We’re looking for some real party girls. Some…” He paused to let Joe finish. Joe obliged.
“Some wild girls.”
“We’re wild,” said the tall one. She was the most sober but that was by no means an endorsement. It simply meant that, if there was a bonfire, she was the least likely of the three to burst into flames as a result of her blood alcohol level.
“How wild,” Joe Francis asked, his eyes narrowing as his grin spread.
“So wild,” the girls said. Randy’s camera was already back on his shoulder. Such a professional. Noelle would’ve really liked Randy.
“Oh yeah? Prove it.” The girls looked to one another, brilliantly playing the part of the sorority sisters who didn’t know. As if they didn’t know what the camera was for. As if they hadn’t seen the unmistakable Girls Gone Wild van pull up. As if this wasn’t the moment they’d been waiting for all night. We all have a part to play, Joe thought.
“How about you show us a little skin,” Joe asked. When the girls responded according to the unwritten, unofficial script, which is to say, with mock shock and exaggerated outrage, Joe Francis a veteran performer in this particular play, shrugged his shoulders.
“I told you they weren’t party girls, Randy. They weren’t ready to go wild. I guess… ” Joe paused before going on. He knew what was going to come next, what had to come next. He knew that the events had already been set in motion, that the outcome of this night had already been decided, and that he couldn’t stop it. That didn’t mean he couldn’t delay it. Several seconds passed. “I guess these girls don’t want some free t-shirts.”
The sorority sisters shrieked and drunkenly lifted their tops before Joe Francis had even finished speaking. Cameras flashed, any bystanders still sober enough to see straight cheered, the rhythm of the flopping titties syncing up with the rhythm of the distant dance music. The sorority sisters wiggled their young bodies like seasoned professionals, like they were born for this exact purpose and, in a way, they were. It was serendipity that brought them here, serendipity that arranged conditions so perfectly such that these women were destined to end up shaking their breasts on camera, for a VHS tape to be sold to millions of men across America for $12.99. Serendipity that put these women in front of Joe Francis and Randy’s camera at this exact moment. The same serendipity that felt it necessary to separate Joe Francis and Noelle forever.
With the focus of a sniper, Joe Francis quickly scanned the exposed bodies of the young women. He clapped his hands and screamed “Wild!” but, make no mistake, Joe Francis was studying and looking for a unique birthmark. Noelle’s birthmark. He didn’t find it.
On some level, he knew he never would.
“Oh my God, so wild,” Joe said as he tossed three t-shirts to the still-shrieking women. Joe looked up briefly. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky but, to Joe Francis, it was always raining.
“Let’s keep going,” Randy said. “It’s going to be a long night.”
They all are, thought Joe. They all are.
“No doubt,” Joe Francis replied. “Waazzzzzuuuuuuppppp?!”
This entry was posted on Friday, October 9th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under books, tl;dr. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 22nd, 2009 at 6:05 am
“Idiots,” he said, addressing the Hardy Boys. “Stay in the car and don’t come out for any reason. I don’t care if there’s a storm, or a fire or if Dipshit back there only has 20 minutes to take his birth control pills and he’s out of water- you do not get out of this car, is that clear?”
“Clear as lightning,” Frank said.
“I don’t take birth control pills,” Joe said. Frank and DOB sighed in unison.
“This fuckin’ guy. OK, Frank, do me a favor and slap the shit out of your brother for 20 minutes or so while I tend to this situation.”
Fucking awesome
November 19th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Awesome. I see no other way to describe this.
And I would seriously consider buying all these books.
November 17th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
All who are up for having Dan make a full novelized version of that Girls Gone Wild bit say “I”.
Shit would be intense.
November 16th, 2009 at 7:21 am
I thought number 1 was really well written, I was halfway squeamish reading it.
Also, thank you for introducing me to Joanna Angel.
November 14th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
This had me laughing harder than anything I’ve read in a long time… You’re an evil genius Dan.
November 13th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
TricellAgent Says: “The Girls Gone Wild novelization is so noir, I turned black and white just from reading it. I actually felt for Joe Francis. Fantasic writing, DOB.”
Well played
November 13th, 2009 at 7:56 am
Dude, that Girls Gone Wild adaptation was intense. I also approved of Cool Ranch Doritos being an appetizer. Bravo.
As always, fucking outstanding
November 11th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
I think the main problem here is that you’re assuming that Joe Francis still has a soul, which I’m pretty sure he lost around….umm….. probably birth.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:53 pm
The Girls Gone Wild novelization is so noir, I turned black and white just from reading it. I actually felt for Joe Francis. Fantasic writing, DOB.
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:37 pm
hehehehe….
October 28th, 2009 at 6:29 am
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October 25th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
i loved the mystery and cookbook. hilarious. i would publish that shit!
October 25th, 2009 at 1:13 am
effin’ ‘ell mate…bloody good!! especially GGW!! got a real noiresque feel 2 it!!
October 24th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
I love the recipe book, “You can either pur the sauce over the steak OR toss the steak in the pan witht he sauce, I really don’t give a shit” LOL I LOVE THAT.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:31 am
I would pay money to read more of the girls gone wild book hahaha
October 18th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
@ poop. Hey, get it right.
DOB is the sexed up one, Brockway is the drunk one and Bucholz is Canadian.
October 18th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
OK so I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought the GGW part was pretty good. ( FUCKING GOOD) I probably wouldn’t buy it because fuck its Joe Francis but I would buy a book by DOB. Also, wtf happened with Noelle?
Officially a DOB Fan.
October 17th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
Old Dirty Bastard WAS the rapper. Was. He died. ODB = Old Dirty Bastard. DOB = Daniel O’ Brien.
Also, I would totally buy the Girls Gone Wild AND the Hardy Boys book. Hell of an article, D. Keep it up.
October 17th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
the girls gone wild part was amazing, fantastically written, i would buy that book
October 17th, 2009 at 11:46 am
DOB this is an amazing article! I fully laughed out loud more than a few times. Great job!
October 17th, 2009 at 11:42 am
I just realized the DOB is the author’s name, not Dirty Old Bastard (the rapper).
That totally changes the way I was picturing the hardy boys story!
!
October 17th, 2009 at 1:16 am
Ok seriously, I have been reading this website for a while and this is the only article that has actually forced me to comment on the awesomeness inherent within. That girls gone wild article may have just changed my life. Well played sir, well played indeed.
October 16th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Holy shit, you’re a funny man DOB.
The Hardy Boy’s is genius and I fucking loved the cookbook.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:31 am
It was OK I guess, the Girls Gone Wild article sucked.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:47 am
Simply amazing…..incredible.
October 15th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
Why does every Cracked columnist use the same damn
“I am a caricatured asshole who abuses some pushover/ I am a creepy pervert with no self-awareness” formula over and over for every article?
DOB
Bucholz
Brockway
Every
Fucking
Time
please
god
something
different
for
once
October 15th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
In reality, hese would sell millions on their first week of publishing. Especially the first & last ones.
October 15th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
haha, holy shit, the hardy boys book was amazing. your humor is awesome, DOB.
October 14th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
I would totes read the words about the ggw guy.
October 14th, 2009 at 5:43 am
DOB,you marvelous bastard,will you marry me?
October 13th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
DOB– you complete me. your talent for writing turns me on in every way
October 13th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Fuck the man! I’d publish any of those without a second thought!
October 13th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Go to Daniel O’Brien’s blog at http://obrienfiction.blogspot.com/2007/04/prologue.html and read his book “Bartender”
It is hilarious, just epic…WIN.
October 13th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
OMG I just read Bartender and I think one of my lungs came up I was laughing so hard.
Everyone click on the “that other one” text in the first paragraph. It is fucking epic.
October 13th, 2009 at 1:12 am
Graymayre: You don’t have to sign up to post here…
October 13th, 2009 at 1:05 am
“Hiptsers” DOB?
October 12th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Thanks loads, Dan - now I’m undoubtedly on some kind of police watch list for guys who Google “flunitrazepam”.
Shit.
October 12th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
Two things.
The Girls gone wild part was brilliant. Brillaint.
Second: I HAVE TO BLAME YOU FOR MY RECENT HATRED FOR MILEY CYRUS. I had no idea who the woman was until cracked.com. Woman… I mean girl. And now, everywhere I see an obscure link, you know that 10th ‘related’ video to the romantic youtube collage of Frodo and Aragorn to Jennifer Paige’s Crush? Anyways, for some obscure reason I delve into those ‘related’ videos, and find Miley. And oh gods, recognizing her is never easy on me.
October 12th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
So, did Joe Francis find Noelle in the end?
October 12th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
That hipster website made me throw up a little in my mouth…
October 12th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Wow that was amazing!!!
October 12th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
“Golly,” Joe yelped.
“Goodness,” Frank called.
“Fuck me,” DOB screamed
brilliant.
October 12th, 2009 at 10:59 am
fucking amazing
October 12th, 2009 at 1:10 am
That last article was fucking awesome. I would suggest you write books, but too many serious people have cornered the market, and I would have no reason to keep reading up on Cracked.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Wow. DOB. That last one was really well written. You actually gave the guy depth. You officially win at Cracked forever. Congrats and great job with the Hardy Boys and the recipie that I’m now going to try out.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
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October 11th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Lmfao !!! Awesome stuff man. I appreciate it when someone takes his work seriously and invests so much effort in it. Kuddos
October 11th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
I was just watching dogs poop today, but not in my American Apparel undies. I am jealous he beat me to it.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
I liked how at first we thought the hardy boys were DOBs innocent victims, like he had them held hostage or something, just 2 poor kids who never hurt anyone. then we find out they themselves had a first aid kid stuffed into a backpack.thats the real victim, the first aid kid.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
[...] post is from here. Visit the link to read more.“Fuck me,” DOB screamed, slamming on the brakes. When the old Ford [...]
October 11th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Wow. Number 1 looked like an actual book. I would actually buy that in a bookstore, and not JUST because of the titties.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:27 am
This is fucking brilliant.
You have become my favorite writer for cracked.
Oh, yes.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Dear god. I want to see more of the novelization of Girls Gone Wild.
The agony of Francis’s eternal imprisonment and longing making fro a truly compelling saga.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:53 am
UR stUPID AFACE
October 11th, 2009 at 8:45 am
OMG I loved number 1!! It read like an actual novel, though with some editing needed. The seriousness is fantastic and you have some awesome phrases all the way through. It really should be a book! DOB, you’re too awesome.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:50 am
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October 11th, 2009 at 1:13 am
“And… hey, is it just me or does this corpse smell like it was doused in my urine?” That’s a weird thing to notice.”
God DAMMIT I couldn’t breathe at this part.
October 10th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
I started giggling at the reminder of “Holla Atta Bitch.” I started chuckling when I realized the cookbook devoted ten pages to the cooking of Hot Pockets. It gets kind of fuzzy after that, but I seem to remember laughing myself into a coughing fit several times…
October 10th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
hay they still published your one book and it was feaking spetuclar ” john dies @ the end ” is still the bomb and if u can get it published o’brien or should i say David Wong u can get anything published and espesily the dog and hipsters
October 10th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
Simply dongtacular
October 10th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Jesus, DOB, that was totally fuckin’ WIN! Brilliant all the way. Or, to sound like some super-smart-smarty-fuckin-whatever-smart-fucker, your ability to employ several different literary styles and presentations really speaks to your flexibility as a writer, and places you in a class all your own. Booya.
BTW, anybody reading this, go to DOB’s blog (click on where it says “that other one” in the first paragraph). Read “Bartender.”
READ THE FUCK OUT OF IT. It’s awesome, from start to finish.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Ha I didn’t notice the two single tears running down JF’s face one the cover the first time I read #1. Sooooo good; it’s the little touches that make it a real winner.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
I was laughing my ass off at the “Hipsters watching dogs poop” part. The really sad thing is if such a book existed there would probably be a market for it.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
I like the canvas texture on the menu.
October 10th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
TL:DR
October 10th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
you misspelled “hipster”. Imagine that…
October 10th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
That was hilarious. I’m waiting on the novelization of GGW: Pt. II. Hardy Boys was great too.
October 10th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Whenever we work with angles in math I name the three points D, O, and B.
October 10th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Fantastic. I’d totally buy the novelized Girls Gone Wild.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Oh that was funny. That recipe thing was HYSTERICAL!
October 10th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Daniel O’Brien, ftw. Seriously.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Could you teach all of us how to warm up our slapping hand?
October 10th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Well besides besides the epic showdown that will soon ensue over your discovery MY dreamgirl, I have to say you are by far my favorite writer on cracked. Suck it Seanbaby! Suck it long, and suck it hard!
October 10th, 2009 at 9:09 am
I think this is the funniest shit I’ve read on cracked. Hardy Boys was awesome. Same with GGW.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:59 am
I was actually doing some slightly more serious research when I found this. Thanks for some good laughs!
October 10th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Thanks DOB, very, very funny! This is one of those articles that you actually might want to read twice or thrice.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Dude I would by your novalization of Girls gone wild. It sounds so fucking awesome!!
October 10th, 2009 at 8:44 am
DOB, you and Brockway are the best comedy writers I’ve seen. This article, in particular, is definitely one of your best yet. The Hardy Boys and the Joe Francis bits were especially amazing.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:40 am
You’d better get these bitches published. : P
October 10th, 2009 at 8:33 am
Brilliant. The GGW bit was fantastic.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:53 am
So it’s pretty unanimous DOB, get cracking on that GGW book immediately! Also, I was pleased to see the return of Little Baby Tourettes, I encourage anyone to actually drink that, it’s an adventure, and don’t forget the slim-Jim garnish.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:29 am
I also completely agree with the wine choice, it would make Arthur proud
October 10th, 2009 at 6:27 am
Ahaha, I I think the cookbook and novelization of GGW were by far the best.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:25 am
I loved the cookbook, especially loved the poetry, but didn’t read the “Hardy Boys” section or the #1 - won’t say I won’t come back to them because that was totally awesome.
Lines 10-15 in the cookbook are fantastic, as is the entire “Dessert” section - laughed out loud for that one. I agree with whoever was talking about actually wanting to buy this stuff!
October 10th, 2009 at 4:16 am
LITTLE BABY TOURETTES!
God i love that phrase, how i love kanye west for being so retarded.
October 10th, 2009 at 3:20 am
Maybe I’m just not used to reading comment posts, but by god, who the fuck puts up a post to complain about and article’s length and say you didn’t read it?
I guess the internet has been housing fuckwits proud to display their own moronity for years now.
Fucken dipshits
October 10th, 2009 at 1:55 am
I do NOT appreciate being MOCKED publicly in this manner! There will be HELL to pay! - Sincerely yours, Dick Joke (aka Johnson Long).
October 10th, 2009 at 1:09 am
DOB, i love you. your eloquence rivals only that of shakespeare and enid blyton. if you made me a couple of Baby Tourettes followed by the Just Fuck The Strawberries already… i guarantee i could be Noelle to your Joe Francis.
marry me.
October 10th, 2009 at 1:06 am
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October 10th, 2009 at 12:58 am
i would genuinely buy all 5 books. whats amazing is how i actually want to know everything about Joe Francis. someone publish!!
October 10th, 2009 at 12:37 am
I actually really want to read the cookbook and the GGW book. They both seem pretty great.
October 10th, 2009 at 12:17 am
As Joe Francis’ psychiatrist, I can say you have it right on the money. He’s a very unhappy man. I’m glad you didn’t get into his performance anxiety, aka the floppies (medical term), that would’ve been uncalled for. I also bowl with Joanna Angel every other Sunday; so eat your heart out, Cyrano de Bonerless. burnt!
October 10th, 2009 at 12:16 am
Good to know!
And thousands of sincere and serious tall people I met on ___Tallconnect.com___ are the most amazing people I ever met! they care nothing but real love and chemistry! that’s what we are looking for in today’s world!
October 9th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Funny stuff, and eloquent even, except the weak Three Stooges routine with the Hardy Boys.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
I knew from the fucking long article and tiny-ass scrollbar that this was a DOB article. As with many of these extended articles, the jokes were good- but not good enough to keep attention long enough or warrant this length.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
I saw the graphic for the Girls Gone Wild novel and thought it would just be childish tit gags, but you made it weirdly compelling.
Bravo, sir.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Please write more for that GGW book. I would actually be willing to pay to read that. Or at least bum around at Barnes and Noble long enough to finish it.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Great article. I was surprised after reading the hilarious Hardy Boys section to find the GGW part at the end. I’d actually like to read that book.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
The “book noir” Girls Gone Wild bit was excellent. And yes, more donut-based recipes if you please. Definitely DOB’s finest work so far.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Did technoob really just follow “sheeple” with…? Wow. I appreciate your disdain for tl;dr, but please don’t even say sheeple if you have any respect for the concept of the word. Also, being a sheeperson really has nothing to do with tl;dr. Tl;dr is more about laziness and retardity. Basically, what I’m trying to say is…
technoob: stfu, faggot. ur a retard.
On another note. I really enjoyed that last one and I hope it gets published.
On my last note for tonight… I would also appreciate the recipe for Roasted Donut Chicken. Shit sounds good.
October 9th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Brilliant! Haha
October 9th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
too long did not read
October 9th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
You’re a beast DOB, love all your work.
October 9th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
That just may be the funniest article I’ve ever read on cracked.
Take that, Brockway.
October 9th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Damn man, the last one was transcendent. Well done. Others were pretty good too; and thank you for not publishing too many of the Hipster Dog Shitting pages.
Sincerely
~~ highasallfuck
October 9th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Hey I got a few bucks lying around, maybe I can help you publish Hipsters Watching Dogs Poop. I don’t know why that had me laughing so hard, but it did.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
too fucking long
October 9th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
I want the recipe for Roasted Donut Chicken. That sounds like fine dining to me.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
My God, DOB, I hate reading. This shit was hilarious. Long article but it was damn fun to read.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
hey rrrrrrrrrrrrr (did i get enough are’s?) go check out http://www.latfh.com it’s full of your people. TL : DR, sheeple, really, you use that? Take a step back and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
the cookbook was great, didnt laugh much at the rest
October 9th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
It went from the wonderfully childish DOB we all know and love to that piece of literary genuis that was the Girls Gone Wild novel.
Whoa. There is a prhase I’d never thought I’d say.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
That girls gone wild novel…I would read it, I’d totally read it. You’re a great author, DOB, write a book!
October 9th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
DOB, that was rather impressive. I mean, writing dick jokes is one thing. But writing dick jokes with emotional power, dick jokes that make you cry, dick jokes that make you die a little inside-
This isn’t prose. This is poetry. Sheer poetry. You’ve out-Shakespeared Shakespeare.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
That Girls Gone Wild novel was brilliant. Colour me impressed. Well done DOB, you’re definitely my favourite writer on this website.
October 9th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
Yes, kids still read The Hardy Boys, but they universally love Nancy Drew better.
October 9th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
DOB- another gem. Keep up the good work!
October 9th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
i think this makes the first cookbook ever that i would actually want to read cover to cover.
i’ve always wanted to know how to make chocolate covered hot dogs.
October 9th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
DOB, if I give you $10 would you print out that Hardy Boys story for me? I wanna know what happens next.
October 9th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
The first and last book were hilarious, I can’t see why they aren’t being published right now.
October 9th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
HOLY SHIT. I have a feeling that the Girls Gone Wild novelization would be better than most of the bullshit on the bestseller racks. That was fucking amazing.
October 9th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
More of GGW please!
October 9th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
I’m totally gonna plagiarize that Angel poem
October 9th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
It’s my wife’s birthday is this weekend, I’m going to try out that recipe.
October 9th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
me likee.
October 9th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
i would totally read the ggw book
October 9th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Gotta say, I would spend between $14.99 and $23.99 on any of these books immediately. No joke. But, make sure it isn’t over $24.00, because that would be unacceptable.
October 9th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
… latest poke (in book form?!): http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/?c=1
I’d buy that for a dollar!!!
October 9th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
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attractive and young to seek a generous benefactor to
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October 9th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I would actually buy the girls gone wild book by DOB
October 9th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
“Fuck the Strawberries Already”
Page 49 to page 63.
One does wonder.
October 9th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
This is the best article I’ve read on this site…well done
October 9th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
i love the little details, like how being on a plate adds three pages to the buffalo wing recipes
October 9th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
You must finish your GGW book. Talk to Wong, he’s got a book, he can get it published.
October 9th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
That was way too long, but the last one made it all worth it. It’s not often that #1 deserves its place at the top, at least not noticeably, but here, it was the best. The best by a very, very wide margin.
October 9th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
ive got a raging clue right now
October 9th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
YES! BONUS POINTS FOR WASMAN!! The page count for each meal was very important to me, even though I thought “No one’s going to give a shit” while I was writing it. Thanks for giving a shit!
October 9th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Wow, DOB made Joe Francis seem almost human. I think we have an early candidate for the 2010 Nobel Prize for Literature!
October 9th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Am I the only one who found the girls gone wild narrative strangely compelling?
October 9th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Why us the ggw book not published yet? I shot water outta my nose when I read the hardy boys post.
October 9th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
I always yell at my food now.
October 9th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Holy mother of cat-fucking god. DOB I love you. The GGW thing was some of the best writing I’ve ever read of yours. <3
October 9th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Best article yet DOB. Epecially the hardy boys one.
October 9th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
best part? hot pockets take up 10 pages
October 9th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Oh man, that was excellent.
I love Joe’s overwrought “woe-is-me,” “angsty-teenager” attitude.
He sounds like he was written for a LiveJournal post.
October 9th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
i was really into the ggw book…
October 9th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Hilarious, I want that cookbook.
October 9th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
THE COOKBOOK.
October 9th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
rrrrrrrrr Says:
October 9th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
TL : DR
quit sucking up you sheeple
Just out of curiosity Why would you click on an article, decide eats to long to read, and then check the comments and respond to them?
Instead why don’t you just keep your mouth shut like Frank or your ass can go sit with Joe in the back of the truck.
October 9th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Wow DOB the GGW novel sounds like something I would actually read, FINISH THAT NOW!!!!
October 9th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
GODDAMN! These books HAVE to happen! I’m the head of a major publishing company called Faketastic Publishing, and I’d like to make your books a reality! Just lemme get you a multi-million dollar contract and-OH NO! A BEAR!!!
October 9th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Holy HELL that GGG book was well done. I didn’t see that coming. Still funny, but in a more sober way (ironic, considering).
October 9th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Absolutely brilliant. I don’t have the words for the level of greatness this achieves and must therefore refer to it as DOBnificent.
October 9th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Wow. Amazing. This is the best so far. Between the Joanna Angel poems and the Girls Gone Wild novel, I was in tears. Please, keep this genius going. If any of these were published I’d be glad to buy them.
October 9th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Finish the girls gone wild novelization, I was getting really into it!
October 9th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
TL : DR
quit sucking up you sheeple
October 9th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Christ man, please finish writing that GGW novel. I would actually find out if there’s a bookstore around here to get my hands on that
October 9th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Lol!!! He used the Little Baby Tourettes drink idea! Hilarious.
October 9th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Thank you for gettin off the politics DOB, this was freakin great.
October 9th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
I felt touched by these books. Almost inappropriately. in a totally straight way thou.
Fuck man I took a little too much cough syrup. Excelsior!!
October 9th, 2009 at 11:36 am
words can not describe how perfect that was
October 9th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Just wanted to also cast a vote for more Joe Francis. Please. Don’t tease mankind with something so transcendant and then just cut us off.
October 9th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Fantastic stuff, DOB. Please either write the books or give us the next chapters in you next article.
October 9th, 2009 at 11:15 am
That last one was extremely well-written. Loved the cookbook idea and the first poem was great. Every part of this article was funny. Great Job, keep up the extremely long articles because you are hilarious.
October 9th, 2009 at 11:10 am
i must say, i enjoyed the joe francis and the poems alot you are a great writer.
October 9th, 2009 at 11:05 am
We really do need a book about hipsters watching dogs poop.
October 9th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Awesome job DOB keep them coming and get something published! Even David Wong put out a book…. Get to it DOB!
October 9th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Yawn
October 9th, 2009 at 10:49 am
WRITE MORE POEMS, THEY ARE THE BEST!
October 9th, 2009 at 10:45 am
I would read the first and fifth books. Those are actually a lot better ideas than most books now.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Amazing, the GGW is the new harry potter and joe francis its knew hero or anti-hero
October 9th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Marry me DOB
October 9th, 2009 at 10:19 am
I love that the recipe for Buffalo wings is one page long, but Buffalo Wings ON A PLATE?! That is 4 fucking pages lol.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Alley Cat - That’s the awesome part. The frozen smile, ‘clown crying on the inside’ shit that just sounds so real, so stainless-steel-straw-in-my-mouth-but-too-chickenshit-to-pull-the-trigger noir. Not funny, really, but riveting.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Waiter, I’ll have the Roasted Donut Chicken. And keep these Little Baby Tourettes coming.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Am I the only one who thought the Joe Francis novel was depressing? As hysterical as the entire article was, DOB, your depiction of his lifestyle may have just been too accurate for me.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:08 am
I found the first 4 to be hilarious in keeping with your standard style, particularly enjoying the Hardy Boys one, but then, just when I had it all figured out, you dropped the final one in there, and I must say that it shocked me, it is written with such eloquence, and with such a strong conveyance of Francis’ internal turmoil, that I must say that I was very surprised. It was also hilarious.
October 9th, 2009 at 10:07 am
OK, this was funny, but there’s something kind of wrong about making a list article about stuff that doesn’t really exist… It’s just weird to read for some reason
October 9th, 2009 at 9:55 am
dammit..
*histerical
October 9th, 2009 at 9:55 am
“”DOB, I signed up just to tell you that this is one of the best articles I’ve read in a LONG time, like fucking LONGCAT LONG.”"
…did i just really read that?
cracked>4chan
comedy gold>retards spouting “memes” to look cool.
but Graymayre’s comment aside, this was histarical!
October 9th, 2009 at 9:54 am
I, too, would totally buy the GGW book, even if it meant I had to cancel my credit card after a few months to stop getting new GGW books sent to me.
October 9th, 2009 at 9:49 am
I really want to comment on this article, but there are no words for how awesome it is. DOB, you are the funniest writing-guy I’ve ever read. (no hyperbole) All theses books need to be published, as well as Bartender.
October 9th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Cooking and comedy, u know me so well!
October 9th, 2009 at 9:41 am
I love that the the cookbook section on hot pockets is ten pages long.
October 9th, 2009 at 9:33 am
Dan, you are a damaged young man… Thanks, I thoroughly enjoyed your writings here.
October 9th, 2009 at 9:11 am
I would pay for a complete Joe Francis novel. And not just so I can imagine the flopping titties. That was quite captivating.
October 9th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Oh my gods, I have to read the rest of the Joe Francis novel now.
October 9th, 2009 at 9:04 am
I laughed until coyotes gnawed the flesh off of my bones.
October 9th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Can the steak recipe be made to include roofies in the tequila marinade? Cause that would be all too convenient.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:56 am
absolutely god damn hilarious
October 9th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Mike Da Mike, I think everyone but you had the patience to do so. Maybe you should try to be smarter?
October 9th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Brilliant. Obama’s Peace Prize is hereby revoked and given to its rightful owner, DOB.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:44 am
”DOB patted Frank on the shoulder affectionately. Then slapped him a few times.”
I almost shat myself!!
October 9th, 2009 at 8:40 am
I laughed so hard, my snarky douchebag iPod headphones popped out of my ears and got snagged on my thick, black plastic framed glasses.
Then, I got to the GGW novelization. That was just sheer brilliance. It surpasses comedy writing and enters into a higher realm. If DOB gets any better, we might one day see his name at our local supermarket, betwixt Dan Brown and Danielle Steele!
October 9th, 2009 at 8:40 am
number 1 was really well written, I’d actually buy that book if it existed.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:40 am
Wow…this whole thing was awesome, but my favorite part was the GGW novelization. It was hilarious how you managed to bring all that emotion and philosophy into it.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:33 am
@Nate
Noelle is that latin singer chick who released a sex tape of herself taking it up the ass, and loving it.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:30 am
Shit man, this is right up our alley. It’s a crime there aren’t more books like that out there. There needs to be more Amish erotica, too.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:25 am
great article but wow, it was crazy long. this could’ve been 2 articles easy.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Blond guy in the back because fuck that guy. SHIT YEAH
October 9th, 2009 at 8:20 am
What? Who dares impersonate DOB?
October 9th, 2009 at 8:10 am
I agree with Dr. Jihad. You should totally write that Girls Gone Wild novel. It was fucking brilliant.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:08 am
I thought this article couldn’t get any better when I was reading the Hardy Boys section.
Then I got to the GGW Novel.
I would pay at least $12.50 for a couple more chapters of that.
October 9th, 2009 at 8:05 am
I would read the shit out of every single one of those books, like, you have no idea.
Their words would be to me what hot dogs are to Joey Chestnut (that guy who ate all those hotdogs; and I TOTALLY didn’t just look that up), because I would eat all of those words with my MIND. Because that’s how AWESOME they are.
Fuckin publishers, they’ll let a book like Twilight get published but not these goldmines of awesome?
October 9th, 2009 at 8:03 am
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October 9th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Awesome. I liked the style reversal, with the “Coffee table crap played for laughs” contrasted with “Risible premise played real-world straight.”
October 9th, 2009 at 7:54 am
This whole article was great, but “the mystery of The Two Guys Who Ordered a Bunch of Mexican Hookers And Never Paid” was absolutely amazing. You are a talented motherfucker DOB, thanks for the laughs
October 9th, 2009 at 7:48 am
No seriously write the Girls Gone Wild Novel. That was fucking amazing.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Best. Recipe. Ever.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:41 am
I would buy all of these books.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:40 am
GGW novel!!! When will the cycle end? Who is Noelle? Will it ever stop raining for Joe? Is Randy Gay? These are all questions needed to be answered!!!
hah loved it! Write the book already
October 9th, 2009 at 7:38 am
This is the single greatest thing I have ever read (after Bartender).
Re: #4 - I would love to be your ‘best guest’ and accept your invitation to come to a BBQ or whatever for some hotdogs.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:36 am
I have MAD LOVE for that GGW thing. Finish that. Publish it. I’ll read the fuck out of it, and keep it next to JDATE on my shelf.
You know you have it in you.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:31 am
Dammit, man, get these published! I have to know what happens next to the Hardy Boys and Joe Francis!
(Crossover would also be acceptable)
October 9th, 2009 at 7:29 am
The GGW novelization reminded me of Nick McDonell’s bestseller Twelve, which is not a compliment I give out a lot. Great work.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:29 am
You’re the fucking king DOB. This was funny and brilliant.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:28 am
where can i get the new hardy boys book?
October 9th, 2009 at 7:27 am
You rock DOB.
But fuck you, Swaim is better.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:18 am
Wow, Vorhees, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.
Keep on keepin’ on.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:04 am
Gotta tell ya Dan, I’m a pretty jaded fucker when it comes to the comedy game. It takes a barrage of fuckin’ hilarity to get even a hint of the slightest chuckle out me.
With that being said, you knocked this mothafucka out the park today. This was the best half hour I’v spent on this website laughing my ass off. That picture of Joe Francis crying will forever be engrained in my head and bring uncontrollable laughter whenever I happen to think of that slimy fuckin’ douchebag finger-fucking greaseball.
Thanks all the hard work and entertainment, man.
October 9th, 2009 at 6:58 am
I am in tears…
October 9th, 2009 at 6:54 am
This is the article by which all other articles will be judged from here on out, even better than last weeks, which I didn’t think was possible.
October 9th, 2009 at 6:54 am
i would totally pay money for the GGW novelisation
October 9th, 2009 at 6:40 am
if it was any funnier id have to kill you to maintain the balance on this website. brilliant. im taking that poem and pawning it off as my own. good thing its not plagiarism if i tell you about it first.
October 9th, 2009 at 6:32 am
dear god, after each part i was left just wishing that u had written a full story about each
fantastic article, truely one of my favourites
October 9th, 2009 at 6:28 am
I can’t believe that books like ‘Twilight’ sell a single copy when pure gold like this lies unpublished. It’s a fucking hate crime, is what it is.
October 9th, 2009 at 6:24 am
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com__ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
October 9th, 2009 at 6:11 am
Hello
October 9th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Number 1 was really well written, surprisingly.
October 9th, 2009 at 5:41 am
DOB, you’re fucking awesome
October 9th, 2009 at 5:41 am
DOB, I signed up just to tell you that this is one of the best articles I’ve read in a LONG time, like fucking LONGCAT LONG.
I read all the time and this thing just hit me on so many levels. I’m still comeing
and this is the truth.
October 9th, 2009 at 5:29 am
HAHAHA. 10 pages on Hot Pockets
October 9th, 2009 at 5:21 am
ARGH! Words! Like several of them! You have seriously alienated the illiterate section of your audience here DOB! You will pay for this!
October 9th, 2009 at 5:13 am
A novelization of GGW?!?!
Brilliant! I want more! How does it end?
October 9th, 2009 at 5:09 am
Regarding your Joanna Angel endevour, you should try singing Angel to her instead of reading it. Women love douchebangs that can play three chords on a guitar.
Also, a song always makes you look less a stalker than a poem. Which, if I had to guess, im pretty sure you wrote originally in blood or cum.
October 9th, 2009 at 5:09 am
I would totally buy the hipster dog poop one.
October 9th, 2009 at 5:02 am
I want that cookbook. SO HARD.
October 9th, 2009 at 4:55 am
That was a brilliant article. Each section was a pitch-perfect parody and deliberately ranged in quality and style. This was great
October 9th, 2009 at 4:47 am
Joe’s internal turmoil made me cry.
October 9th, 2009 at 4:46 am
I loved the Hardy Boys. Both the real books and your one.
October 9th, 2009 at 4:42 am
That is the single best Hardy Boys chapter to ever exist, anywhere.
Hats off, Dan.
October 9th, 2009 at 4:40 am
DOB I would buy all of these books.
As creepy as that just sounded.
I totally would though.
October 9th, 2009 at 4:40 am
Write enough and there’s bound to be something funny in there hooray! Too bad no-one has the patience to sift through all of it…
October 9th, 2009 at 4:40 am
Fanfuckingtastic!
October 9th, 2009 at 4:33 am
I’D PUBLISH THEM OUT OF MY ASS FUCK
October 9th, 2009 at 4:25 am
Superb as always.
October 9th, 2009 at 4:14 am
I’d like to publish all of these.
and by publish i mean wank over.