Well folks, it finally happened. I sold a book to Harlequin Book Publishers’ brand new imprint, Harlequin Teens. Without giving too much away, it’s really a perfect fit for the Teens branch of Harlequin which, according to Harlequin, is designed solely to print books “specifically developed for readers of Twilight.” Yes. An imprint was created strictly to write more books like Twilight, as sales of adult books are down and sales of teen romance novels infused with supernatural elements are way, way up because adults are all switching over to these teen books.
I know what you’re thinking, and I know that nothing about my entire body would suggest that I’m even vaguely interested in Teen Fiction, but the fact is I’ve been wanting to write one of these Magical-Softcore-Pseudoporn books for a long time, for reasons completely unrelated to the fact that the book industry as a whole is dying and books like Twilight and Those Other Twilight Books are the only books that people actually buy any more. Total coincidence, because I truly believe in this book, which is why I’m giving all you folks a special preview. Enjoy!
Synopsis
In a sentence, this is a story about Bonita Ingénue a 15-year-old, misunderstood young woman who gets rescued from her provincial, boring life and whisked away to a fantastical world of exciting, sensual, magic and erotic, thick, penetrating whimsy. At the beginning of our tale, she leaves her hometown of Backstory, Massachusetts for the excitement and intrigue of Excitetrigue, Colorado. The kids at her new school are all impressed with how one dimensional and uninteresting she is and it’s only a matter of time before all of the popular boys ask her out on romantic dates in the hopes fingerblasting her. Even though Bonnie has her pick of the litter at school, she really has her heart set on Theo, the mysterious boy who lives just outside of town in Dragon Hills. Theo has feelings for Bonnie as well, but he also has a deep, dark secret. A deep, dark dragon secret. He is a dragon.
Bonnie accepts Theo for who he is and Theo appreciates how unobtrusive and malleable Bonnie is. Together, and against the wishes of Bonnie’s parents, they get into some pretty graphic dragon-fucking, and it’s a little bit weird, but beautiful if you just open your mind. Eventually Theo has to leave the town (I forget why) and Bonnie goes along with him and abandons her family (because if there’s anything Twilight tell us, it’s that chicks love sitting passively on the sidelines while violent, mysterious men make absolutely every important decision for them). There’s maybe a hunt at some point but otherwise most of the tail end of the book is more aggressive dragonhumping as Bonnie and Theo live out their days in Theo’s tower, blissfully unaware of the outside world as they enjoy a life that’s all sweat, asses and wings. You’ve heard of fire-breathing dragons, well, Theo is a desire-breathing dragon. (He also breathes fire.)
Sample Chapter
Theo walked slowly, yet purposefully down the halls of the school. In many ways, Theo was somewhat of a paradox, a contained contradiction; he stalked the halls with an ambivalent carelessness, seemingly ignoring the whole of the world around him, and yet he carried himself, somehow with a total natural awareness of his surroundings. When you saw him, you felt as if he couldn’t be reached, as if he was so enveloped in his own world that he couldn’t possibly notice you, but still, he knew somehow precisely where you were and what you were doing and, in Bonita’s case, what she was doing was staring directly at him. There’s something about that boy, Bonita thought but would never dare say. Something different, a kind of focused detachment, if that’s even possible. It wasn’t possible, but independent thought wasn’t one of Bonita’s strong points. Theo’s claws clicked and clacked on the linoleum of the floor, making a sort of “clickity clackity” sound, like the sound of dragon claws on linoleum. Bonita turned to one of the minor characters, a girl one.
“Who is that boy,” Bonita asked. “He is so mysterious, and so different from the other boys.” In the distance, Theo snarled and swung his tail a few times, inadvertently sweeping the legs of a passing student.
“Who, you mean Theo?” Bonita’s friend-person smiled off in the direction of Theo, chewing gum or twirling her hair or something. “Theo’s mysterious. No one knows much about him, but he’s been around forever. He only disappeared once, three years ago, when he drove across country on his motorcycle. He’s so dreamy. He lives just outside of town in Dragon Hills.” If Bonita had responsible parents, they’d have taught her to ask questions like
“Why is he at our school if he doesn’t live in this town?” and “How old must he be if he already had a motorcycle license three years ago, when we were all 12?” Unfortunately, Bonita’s parents really only existed so they could disapprove of her young love, and I can’t even totally remember if she had both parents or if one of them died at some point. And I am not flipping back to check, so you can just forget it.
“Keep dreaming, Bonnie,” Bonita’s friend said. Bonita had never had a nickname before. She reacted with indifference. “Theo doesn’t date anybody. He’s out of everyone’s league. See you in class.” She’s not in the book anymore.
While Bonita’s friend walked off in a direction, Bonita continued to watch the mysterious and mysterious Theo. She still couldn’t quite put her finger on what exactly it was that separated Theo from the other boys, even as she sat watching him blast fire from his gaping mouth. She sat there emotionlessly, drool trickling down her chin, watching Theo for a little while longer. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, but probably wasn’t, Theo approached her, his horns pointing out like dongs atop his head, and his dong, confident and powerful, protruding from his dong-region like a massive horn.
“You must be Bonita,” Theo said, his voice low and warm, and with just a hint of mischief. He sounded the way that drives girls crazy, like an American Idol or an iPod or whatever. His eyes, the color of coals (black), seemed to be staring directly into Bonita’s soul. A warming chill sent sweaty shivers up Bonita’s spine.
“I am,” Bonita said, registering neither shock nor joy at the realization that Theo knew her name.
“I was about to go to lunch,” Theo whispered, his pointed dragon teeth looking like a bunch of finely sharpened dongs. “Are you hungry?”
“No.” I don’t feel like mentioning that my stomach is already full, Bonita thought. Full of butterflies. Fucking each other.
“No, I’m sure you’re hungry,” snarled Theo. “Let’s get out of here.”
It’s true, Bonita was hungry. Maybe she didn’t realize it before, or maybe she just needed a strong man in her life to tell her exactly how she felt, but now all she could think about was eating whatever Theo told her to eat.
Over tacos, Theo and Bonita discussed this and that, the things that kids are all nutty about. The Fresh Prince, let’s say.
“I enjoy the way Carlton dances,” Theo said. Bonita agreed, though she’d never particularly felt one way or the other about it in the past and wasn’t sure if she’d ever seen the program, only that she was suddenly all about the way Carlton danced.
“Parents just don’t understand,” Theo said and they both had a good laugh. Theo stared at Bonita, and she at him, and he at her, their eyes burning eyeholes into each other, like a bunch… like this was some kind of… like, a goddamned eye-laser jamboree, I swear to God, like, you don’t even know.
“Dearest,” Theo whispered, his eyes blazing, with whatever color I said they were before, “I wish to take you away from this harsh, oppressive world that seeks only to stifle your warm, seething desires. I ask you, with the clarity only achieved by total passion, to join me, and live with me forever, away from fruitless work of mortals, away from the laws of man, the laws of the ignorant. Join me in my tower, where the only work is the work that I shall do in the service of your whims, where the only laws are those committed to your pleasure, where the only authority to whom you must answer is your heart.” Bonita sat quietly, wondering what about Theo’s wings were different from the wings of the other boys at school.
“I’mma pork you with my dragon tail, is what I’m trying to say,” Theo clarified, mistaking Bonita’s stoic lack of personality for confusion.
“Dragon,” Bonita exclaimed, snapping her fingers. “That’s it, I knew it was something. I’m not sure if I can leave my friends and family.” It was sort of a moot point, because Theo had already taken the mouth-breathing, borderline-catatonic Bonita to his tower while she was trying to figure out tacos, but everything was cool, she didn’t really have a ton of friends at school, or anything. Anyway there’s some dragon fucking in the next chapter, so you should probably stick around.
Chapters:
Prologue: I’m Making Up My Own Rules About Dragons So Go To Hell
1. The Road to Colorado
2. The First Day of School
3. Meeting Theo [See excerpt above.]
4. Theo Has a Secret!
5. He’s a Dragon, Is the Secret
6. Inside Theo’s Tower
7. Seeing An Angel
8. Getting All Up In That Angel
9. Young Hearts
10. Wise Beyond Her Age
11. No One is Too Young For Love
12. Dragon Years (Are Like Accelerated Human Years, So It’s OK)
13. The Age-Related Laws When it Comes to Sex Are Completely Arbitrary, When You Think About It
14. What Does “Consent” Even Mean? Consent From Whom? The Law Is Not Clear
15. The Second Day of School
16. Thug Life
17. Trouble (In Paradise)
18. A Restless Passion
19. Fisting (In Paradise)
20. The Cullens - [Note: This is a chapter I lifted directly from Twilight. I'm cool with this if you are.]
21. The Chapter With the Fighting
22. Theo’s Swollen, Throbbing Boathouse-
23. Epilogue: The Lessons Dragons Teach Us
Author Bio
My name is Daniel O’Brien and I am an Internet Daniel. I’ve been writing semi-professionally for the Internet semi-soberly for the past few years. Writing for the Internet is to literature what aimlessly punching statues in the nuts is to karate, which is to say that it makes me slightly more qualified than your average, mentally disadvantaged homeless man. The only lesson learned in my many years of trudging through the murky, putrid swamp of brain-rot that is the World Wide Web is that I want to stop writing for the Internet as soon as possible, even if it means completely compromising any laughable sense of integrity for the sake of cashing in on the Supernatural Teen Monster Bullshit genre.
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November 20th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
You crack me up. Whatever article I’ve read by you so far, I have loved. You’re doing an amazing job. Keep it up!!
November 20th, 2009 at 9:43 am
i would stand in line for hours, no days, to buy this book.
oh, and love the bio picture. it”s sexy in a weird sort of way.
November 14th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
I read this and nearly shit myself
November 14th, 2009 at 11:42 am
I was strangely aroused by the pixelatedness of the bio photo
November 13th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Have you considered doing an e-book on lulu? You might make a bit of money off of a parody like this. I’d likely buy it, if only to have more quotes to torment people with on facebook.
November 9th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
I want the rest of this book. now! …and also, my favorite part was the author bio. Just fanfuckingtastic.
DOB you are so funny.
November 4th, 2009 at 11:26 am
DOB if that’s really you in the author photo I want you to fuck me.
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:15 pm
This article is great, but the funniest part, by far, is the idea that someone had to take that bio picture. They were handed a camera by DOB, told that he needed help with something, and faithfully followed him to the toilet.
October 28th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
You’re a great writer DOB. Not only is your stuff hilarious, it’s also very well written and makes the comedy all that more funny.
(Love your author photo too lol!!!)
October 26th, 2009 at 10:00 am
When i saw the picture of you on the toilet at the end i was genuinly taken aback (as we 18th century English gents say) even though i have been reading your articles for ages; it shocked me.
Athough it is probably the pain-fetish spiked anal-dildo in the baskground that shocked me the most. Since when do men have ornamental shells in their bathrooms?
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:55 pm
That was FREAKing hilarious
Excellent, as always DOB
October 21st, 2009 at 4:47 pm
DOB your the greatest! You and Brockway gave me inspiration for writing the single greatest paper of all time: the story of how me and Teddy Roosevelt invented Labor Day, Freed the slaves, defeated Ghandi, and destroyed the Death Star. True Story, too. We were supposed to write about someone who affected our lives, or some bullshit, but i decided to write about how i affected their lives and saved the mother fuckin day. Thanks DOB
October 19th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Ok I know most people are going to tell me to fuck off after this but I think twilight deserves a little defending.
1. It’s a teen book. Was it supposed to have a bunch of teens just fucking all the time?(all the time?) If teens wanted sex they could just put down the book and go have it. they don’t need to read about it all the time. I think it’s good that it promotes waiting until you’re serious about someone. Is that the wrong thing to promote? ” No kids don’t wait. Be like that zoey 101 girl. You know… the pregnant one.”
2. I think the books were really good. A million times better than the movie because that was bullshit. I’m saying that as someone who has read John Dies at the End ( and re-read over and over ) and also enjoys most of the hilarious crap on this site.
3. The book was not written to destroy comic-con or mess up the market share of readers. It was written by a small town housewife who never thought it would be this big.
4. The real blame lies with the fans. I’m guilty of twilight mania and edward/jacob team shirts. Hate us if you want to because we’re the ones who mess up all your favorite shit. We wait for the twilight panel 8 hours in advance. We are the screaming young teeange girls and not-so-young twimoms who scream when anything remotely twilight happens. We like hot guys who can probably kill us. We want a future where we don’t have to go to college, we can be young and beautiful forever and have tons of money plus a super-hot boyfriend who is… hard… all … the… time. ( all the time.)
5. I know people will always think that Bella was just this weak pushover just going along with whatever Edward said but it’s not accurate. He didn’t want her to be a vampire but she pushed for it. He didn’t want her to be friends with the werewolves but she managed to escape FROM VAMPIRES and see them anyway. She saved his life in Volterra. You can shit all over the movies if you want to but just keep an open mind to the literature. It was better than I think you guys give it credit for considering it was the DEBUT novel of a mother of three toddlers with mormon values. Give Steph her props.
p.s. this article was hilarious. DOB is the man.
October 17th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
“My name is Daniel and I’m an internet Daniel.”
Hahahahahahaha. Nice.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:39 am
i just like that he’s showin some neck in that toilet photo! nice cock!
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:00 pm
man you made me laugh so much.
btw twilight was crap, as iam a devote reader, and heard about that bestseller twilight book start reading the books, man i just finished em because i started the first one but it was pure trash :/ I cant believe people actually buy these books and is on the top of the lists :S.
P.D.Your book is awesome.
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:23 pm
I’m officially in love with you, D. O. B.
“getting all up in that angel” and “i’mma pork you with my dragon tail, is what i’m trying to say” made me laugh SO FUCKING HARD.
I wish you would actually publish this!!!
September 17th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
i wanna read episodes 8 and 16. i swear to God, like u people have no idea.
PUBLISH THE BOOK!
September 17th, 2009 at 5:48 am
hey, i got a really great laugh out of this x-rated piece of satire. twilight is (apparently) garbage, and from someone who is working on a vampire novel, really doesn’t do justice to the essence of a vampire. it’s an embarrassment to the vampire literature that exists today, i mean when you consider awesome writers like anne rice and christopher pike, they really understand what a vampire is. twilight is sort of a template for a teen girl’s squealing oohing and awwing story, and reading your stuff just illustrates that. edward could be anything from a vampire to a dragon to a (more realistic) regular human outcast of society. twilight might hve actuallyhad more integrity if she just wrote about normal humans in real life situations. it might have progressed from some stupid tween girl story where kissing is the furthest you can go with someone.
great work! priceless.
grace
September 15th, 2009 at 2:23 am
Lol, this was needed. twilight is a fucking embarrassment
September 3rd, 2009 at 7:25 am
http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1832836
September 1st, 2009 at 1:33 pm
To use the internet line “can i haz ur babehs!?!”
Dear god, you made my freaking month! This…this is genius. I want it published, even if I have to sell my roommate into white slavery! *giggle*
In all seriousness though, that is awesome. I wish you the best of luck.
Less than Three
Izbet.
August 31st, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Genius. Pure genius. You have a wonderful eye for bullshit.
August 29th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
MORE fisting than twilight??? where was there fisting??? how did i miss that??!!
oh and sorry dob but i dont think you can be ‘bailed’ out of prison….although with any luck they allow congical visits
surfcityizi- i secound your nice cock motion, and raise it with..well, you know. a cock(:
August 29th, 2009 at 12:47 am
nice cock <3
August 28th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
And, like what Stryk said, this might piss of my Twihard boyfriend… SWEET!
Also, I still have to finish reading the last one so I can complete that other article about how shitty Twilight is!
The internet is entertainment, Daniel of the internet. I don’t mind that it doesn’t have literary merit, like books should. And that is why Stephenie Meyer deserves to go to a special hell… with no vampire fucking in it.
August 28th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
You are truly hilarious.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Dude.. Greatest thing I’ve ever read. Totally made my fucking day. It’s gunna piss off my twihard girlfriend though! SWEET!
August 27th, 2009 at 11:05 am
You sir, win at life. That was awesome and I can’t wait to read more. God, I hope you have more coming. I need something to bleach my brain of that Twilight retardation.
August 26th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
“Am I the only one who assumed Theo was a dragon of the “American Dragon: Jake Long” type until he read the excerpt? I mean, who could be stupid enough not to notice a freaking dragon?”
Stephanie Meyer.
August 26th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Hilarious
August 26th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
having read Twilight (and thrown it against the wall several times, before ripping out the pages and putting them through the shredder) this is possibly the funniest parody i’ve read.
i actually giggled.
PLEASE write this. I’d buy a hundred copies and throw them at every idiot twelve year old with a “team edward/jacob” bag.
August 24th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
Please publish this as a full novel, or at least several blog posts. People would read this.
August 24th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
“who could be stupid enough not to notice a freaking dragon?”
someone stupid enough not to notice how bad Twilight is… possibly.
great article, this book would be 10,000 times better than Twilight (yah, I’ve read it. When I finished I felt like burning the book).
August 23rd, 2009 at 8:21 pm
I think, this should be published in full novel form. It is a guaranteed best seller, and will be funny to mouth-breathing Twilight fans and non-Twilight fans alike. Fantastic piece of comedic fiction. Well played sir, well played.
August 23rd, 2009 at 12:57 am
Am I the only one who assumed Theo was a dragon of the “American Dragon: Jake Long” type until he read the excerpt? I mean, who could be stupid enough not to notice a freaking dragon?
August 23rd, 2009 at 12:36 am
I like how all the other people reading this are probably teenage girls.
August 22nd, 2009 at 12:02 pm
oh. my god.
having read all the Twilight books made this so incredibly funny. i’ve never laughed so hard before. or maybe i have, i just cant think of a particular moment at the moment. ANYWAY, this was fabulous and totally made my life. thanks man.
~K
August 21st, 2009 at 7:09 pm
lmao, I think I love you! lololololol
August 21st, 2009 at 6:46 pm
breathe
August 19th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
Oh my fucking god, I actually kinda like twilight, and was getting tired of the twilight bashing that’s all around the internet, but this made me laugh so fucking hard I could barely breath. I seriously think I might have laughed up something I ate earlier and I have no fucking clue how that is even anatomically possible.
August 16th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
omfglulzhumphump. WANT.
No, seriously, finish writing this shit - for me, baby? Please? <3
August 16th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
[...] If ‘Twilight’ Was About Dragons (And Contained More Fisting) [...]
August 15th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
I would buy this book, and buy copies for everyone I know.
August 14th, 2009 at 9:00 am
sexy girls,rich successful men, search profiles, online chat….
free sign up on ^-^ ~~~sugar daddylove. com~~~ ^-^The largest dating site for sugars.
Thousands of single members with hot and sexy figure are here waiting for you.
Not only the online relationship, but also find ture love near you..
August 13th, 2009 at 7:51 am
i a m very bad to lesson that the disease of pig is came to the human. its avery bad to lesson
August 12th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Wow, Dan! I’m surprised by how many women and others in the comments want to fuck you.
August 11th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
all right im sorry about that.
but if you did click that link
dont hate the guy because his stupid cousin posted a link too many times.
hes awesome.
also, i did enjoy this article.
August 11th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
please, please, please for the love of god take a few days off and write this. I will pay you in 3 handles of JD (you know, for the writing process), and approximately 1000 theoretical blow jobs. I would appreciate it if you consider this offer.
August 11th, 2009 at 7:01 am
This is hilarious! I’d love to read this book… A Twilight Farce lol Enjoyed the ‘minor character- a girl one’ who said her two bits and then isn’t in the book anymore. I haven’t had this gooda laugh in a while! Thanx!
August 9th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
God damn scalies give me the creeps. It was bad enough when she asked me to bathe in glitter and wear those damn plastic fangs. Now thanks to the insane popularity of “Enter the Dragon,” she ’s shopping here:
http://www.bad-dragon.com/toys
Thanks a lot. Jerk.
August 8th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Out of interest, is there anywhere I can actually get that Daniel shirt?
Or is that just some photoshop?
August 7th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
thug life
August 7th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
I would love to read this book…
August 7th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Make this a book, please
August 7th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Damn DOB, you always know the way to my heart (reading your exciting articles) which could also quite be the way to my pants too.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Please publish that. I will buy 2490753 copies and force them down the throats of twilight fans.
August 7th, 2009 at 3:55 am
Seriously… I love this… when you think about it this is basically Twilight in a nutshell, though Eddy boy basically pushes that chick person gal thing who’s really a pansy, away to make her more and more excited to want to ride his bone like a cowboy rides a bronco. I say again Twilight is the single most retarded thing i’ve ever seen and insults the vampire lore. If you twilight lovers think that’s how vampires are… pick up a copy of Dracula… or watch Blade… or even Underworld.. something with REAL Vampires that turn to fuckin dust in the sunlight… THAT is a real vampire movie… not this bullshit sparkling like a diamond in the sunlight shit.
August 6th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Well that was glorious. Well done. I certainly hope that you actually flesh this out into a book. I’d buy it. C’mon, it’s only a Harlequin….and for TEENS. It’s only gotta be about 80 pages long.
August 6th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
that is one book id actually read
August 6th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
rofl nice article. looking forward to see more
August 6th, 2009 at 8:33 am
I will have to disagree with you Glaktor III Jr. Says:
As a dragon, I find this article very condescending. There are certain rules we follow when we engage in inter species “porking”. One of which is always turn your mate into a Hamburger Helper dish afterward.
Also, dragons never use contractions. EVER!
And I’m also wondering why the only real dragon in all of these photos is pixel blurred *snare-high hat*
August 6th, 2009 at 3:47 am
LOL, I want a copy !
August 5th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
EPIC WIN! <3
I LOVE YOU FOR THIS!
Yay Dongs <3
August 5th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Although this was very funny.
August 5th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Oh, god, this HAS TO STOP. Where have all the decent books gone? It’s like the only thing surviving the fucking incinerator that is Twilight is Harry Potter, and that’s been ruined by all the emo Hermione/Ginny fics out there.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
omg, i laughed so hard I could practically hear your condenscending voice reading me the story… XD
August 5th, 2009 at 11:02 am
As a dragon myself, I firmly believe that this is one of the most accurate representations of dragon-human sexual interactions in literature today. Most of my friends are all about Carlton’s dancing. It’s sensual, in a way.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you for writing this. And for doing so, “I’mma pork you with my dragon tail.”
August 5th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Apparently, Bailey was never a teenager before. Which explains his poor grasp of the English language.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
i want to fuck you
and the seashell on your toilet is cool.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
I’m not gonna lie, I’ve read this thing like six times, and I keep giggling all embarassing-like.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
“Writing for the Internet is to literature what aimlessly punching statues in the nuts is to karate”… My God man! That is freakin GOLD! You are the BEST!
August 4th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
i think twilight is just a sad book and the Stephani mayor is a petifile how cna she think about teen agers that way and she is just living out her own fantasies in a book i mean come one how old is she?? I would be surprised to find indescent conduct with a minor in her history
August 4th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
oh sweet jesus that was great. It was like I was reading a newer, faster, stronger version of twilight. That picture at the bottom… I would die if I saw that as an author’s picture in a book.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:45 am
DOB, I’m at a loss for words.
… (illustrating my loss for words)
You complete me.
And the dragon fucking. That’s cool too.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:14 am
I’m currently having trouble writing out some ideas i have for articles, and the only thing hard is getting together all the facts/evidence/validity for my “list” article, but then i read this and after i laugh my balls off and calm down and properly secure my balls back into position I get penetrated with this feeling of inspiration. That’s you DOB. You penetrate me.
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Hello everyone,
I found a great dating site______MillionaireCupid.org_____
The best dating club for seeking the rich singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs..
what’s the most important is:you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one.
I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy .You should check it out!!!
August 3rd, 2009 at 1:05 pm
now you’ve got two books to write. i’m waiting.
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:28 am
I’m still waiting for the dragon fucking. :0
August 2nd, 2009 at 9:41 pm
WRITE THIS
WRITE THIS
WRITE THIS
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:51 pm
how you did this is beyond me My favorite part was the fact the first fourteen chapters take place in one day it lol
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:43 am
If you wrote this book, I would worship you in my spare time.
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:01 am
All I can say is:
ahahahahahahahahahahahah omfg roflmao
*goes thumb harvesting to be able to give 200 gajillion thumbs up*
August 2nd, 2009 at 1:38 am
PLEASE IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY WRITE THIS BOOK
August 1st, 2009 at 10:09 pm
write this book its awsome hahah
August 1st, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Sexy and wild??!!
Are you the hot cougar hunter on __Agelover.c om__? the place where all hot Ageless singles meet, mingle and more…?/
July 31st, 2009 at 5:13 pm
You are the funniest Internet Daniel ever. I love you’re style and you inspire me to write comedy. Each one of your pieces is as good, if not better than the last. I’d tell you how much I love each of them, but I am much too lazy. That is all.
July 31st, 2009 at 3:44 pm
DOB is my hero.
July 31st, 2009 at 11:18 am
I just can’t stop laughing, I’m totally stealing that last image
July 31st, 2009 at 7:24 am
Write more write more!!
lol that was great
July 31st, 2009 at 6:37 am
DOB is god. Seriously.
July 31st, 2009 at 4:00 am
After reading that epic article and laughing for a solid 30minutes I thought I’d check to see which snivelling cretins whined about your work.
I kept scrolling, and scrolling and scrolling and gave up after 200 or so comments!
You are incredibly talented, and like everyone is saying: WRITE THIS BOOK PLX!1 I am quite certain that the market for anti-twilight literature rivals that of series itself
July 30th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
This article is hilarious, job well done DOB
I hate twilight, and this definitely is a better version.
My favourite line has to be;
“I’mma pork you with my dragon tail, is what I’m trying to say,” Theo clarified, mistaking Bonita’s stoic lack of personality for confusion.
I also like the borderline catatonic bit and the chapters.
Most excellent *thumbs up*
July 30th, 2009 at 9:57 am
i totally would have changed the butterflies to dragonflies fucking each other
July 30th, 2009 at 1:57 am
^^^^Cool Guys!!!
Hot cougars and milfs on ==== Agelover. c o m ==== love you guys; and wanna hook up with men just like you!! if you don’t mind the so-called age gap, if you really have desires in your hearts, then you rock there!!!
July 29th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Hey guys, Do U wanna find your special one easier and more effective??
Please check out __MillionaireCupid.org__The #1 club for seeking the
wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. What are you
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July 29th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Brilliant!!!!!!
July 29th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Awesome. Nice use of dong (a compliment that also covers the possibility that you typed this hilarious article with you dong).
July 29th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Good stuff! Guys, pls check out_ MillionaireCupid.org __where you can
meet the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. Hook up
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July 29th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
A couple of the lines that ‘cracked’ me up (oh I’m fuckin clever!)
“..his pointed dragon teeth looking like a bunch of finely sharpened dongs.”
“Theo stared at Bonita, and she at him, and he at her, their eyes burning eyeholes into each other, like a bunch… like this was some kind of… like, a goddamned eye-laser jamboree, I swear to God, like, you don’t even know.”
DOB and Brockway rape the face of the bitch that is comedy. (It’s a good thing - she’s a total slut, she loves that psuedo-domination shit.)
July 29th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
“A deep dark dragon secret. He is a dragon.” Fucking gold, I haven’t even read past that line yet.
July 29th, 2009 at 9:55 am
congratulations- another genius DOB original.
that’s how it’s done, ladies and gentleman.
<3
July 29th, 2009 at 4:02 am
this is the only DOB article i have ever just skimmed through, it didnt have a good starting sentance to ya know get me somewhat hooked, and it was kind of weak.
BUT I STILL LOVE YOU DOB MARRY ME!
July 28th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
I am wondering if there is an easy way to find my soul mate or sexy partner! I find that it’s not difficult to find my Mr.right when I saw MillionaireCupid.org, There are many sexy beauties and wealthy singles on that dating site, U may have a try!
July 28th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
I’m a sexy girl, looking for friends maybe love. I love to hang out and have a good time..not into drama of fake people.. So if you’re real and want to have a good time, why don’t you find me out at __MillionaireCupid.org__, I am waiting ya~
July 28th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
DOB This is my second favourite article from cracked ever. Excellent use of descriptive words!
July 28th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Please, for the love of god, another chapter. I was in tears reading this. =)
July 28th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Based on this article, I’d say you need therapy. But if getting therapy means you stop writing articles like this, you should avoid it at all costs.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:36 am
She dumber than a box of rusty hammers yes… but very neilable: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ She’s a lucky, lucky, lucky girl!
July 28th, 2009 at 7:55 am
FUCK, YOU BASHED THE HELL OUT OF TWILIGHT AND YOU BASHED IT REALLY GOOD.
I applaud you, sir.
July 28th, 2009 at 12:50 am
That’s how it’s done, bitches!
July 27th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
FUCK, that was the greatest bash against Twilight that I’ve ever seen!
July 27th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Yeah, Im thinking we’d all buy that.
Seriously. Publish it and we will kick Twilights ass
July 27th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
never before have I been so moved by run-on sentences and over usage of big words… DOB you have talent, share it with the world. You are also right about one thing…parents just dont understand lol lol lol lol lol lol (heartily)
July 27th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
This is absolutely delightful.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:46 am
And as Bonita lay there, her legs spread to either side of Theo’s dragon car bed, Theo knelt gazing at her body which resembled that of a Barbie Doll ravaged by an eight year old with a lighter and hair spray. As Theo slowly removed his love covered elbow-deep kidney punching arm from Bonita’s upper intestines, Bonita let out a slow sigh consisting of smoke, and the cute sounds girls make at the puppy store. Bonita: “I think I (cough, gasp) love…..” Before she could finish her sentence Theo had removed his sodomy covered appendage from Bonita’s body, and perched himself atop the windowsill. Theo turned his enchanting head to Bonita, and whispered magically, “You should get checked out” before he applied his Sony wraparound headphones (iPod earbuds never fit right in dragon ears), and leaped out into the night listening to the new Lincon Park CD, sporting a Dragon AIDS (DAIDS) dripping man horn.
July 27th, 2009 at 6:34 am
Awesome article! Seriously, you should write these books! I absolutely need to read them now!
July 27th, 2009 at 4:22 am
*snort* This made me LOL(OL), I love the Bella!Parody Bonita. She cracks me up with her stoic lack of personality!! XD
July 26th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
These books have been out for years. Now it’s the damn movies that are keeping the shit alive. I wish that if we stopped talking about them they would go away.
MY Twilight rant is here :
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=116947665&blogId=440727336
My coworker was FURIOUS!! I wrote this without ever reading the book(s) but SHE is the one that told me everything. Not a leg to stand on.
July 26th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
DOB I honestly don’t know how to quantify the joy you bring to my life with words. I’ve lost count of how many times I burst out laughing from reading your posts.
Thank you.
The Handling of the IRS is by far the most humorous piece of writing I’ve ever read btw.
July 26th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
“Who is that boy,” Bonita asked. “He is so mysterious, and so different from the other boys.” In the distance, Theo snarled and swung his tail a few times, inadvertently sweeping the legs of a passing student.
HAHA every word of this is pure win. I haven’t laughed so much ever. I love you.
July 26th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
I think I can see a small part of your weiner.
July 26th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
this is absolutely fucking hilarious!
July 26th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Wow. This almost makes me want to read Twilight!
Bravo, I think.
(Heh heh heh, Dragon fisting. Awesome.)
July 26th, 2009 at 8:40 am
I like the guy… http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ but I hope he has the common sense to turn the offer down!
July 26th, 2009 at 2:39 am
freaking hilarious. i think chapter 19 will be my favorite!
July 26th, 2009 at 1:51 am
Funny… I will upload this to the big&tall dating club ___ http://Tallconnect.com ___ to share with those hot models and bbws.
July 26th, 2009 at 12:32 am
I add my vote: please write more of this. i just read Twilight a few days and I never thought anything would make me glad I read that crap, but if I hadn’t then I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate what you did as much. I literally shrieked with laughter upon reading the butterflies line.
July 25th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
erkimmer,
Yeah I did, and it also worked. So why do you care? Cest La Vie, I’ve spent way too much time on this than was necessary, so I’m done with it. After all, this is just the internet, and you know what they say about arguing on the internet.
Ciao Baby,
thelordofhell
July 25th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Every word of this is typed with 100% pure win.
I would read this book, I demand you to finish it.
NOW! OR ELSE!
July 25th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
That was freaking magical, I would pay money for the full book.
July 25th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
I think this would actually get published.
July 25th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Ok, I’m disturbed because that character has the same name as me.
July 25th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
Write more. Now, please.
July 25th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
And yet, my most prevalent thought after reading this was ‘DOB has a really nice Bathroom.’
I bet he has sex with a lot of hookers in there.
July 25th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
You write exactly the comedy that I like to read. You’re brilliant.
July 25th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Does this mean my kimodo dragon and I can be together?
July 25th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Holy Shit Dude that was soo funny… Eye laser jamboree like you dont even know… hilarious, can you seriously publish this book because i would be more than willing to spend 20 dollars on a book about a dragon practically butt raping this dumb ass chick on her first day, ha!
Seriously though, publish it.
July 25th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
I must send this to my friend Bella (A big twilight fan….I know, her name is why she got the book to begin with).
“wondering what made his wings different than all the other boys’ wings”
Also, in reference to the last picture.
Nice groin man, pretty impressive.
July 25th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Didn’t you know this book had already been written?
http://www.examiner.com/x-5465-San-Diego-Erotica-Books-Examiner~y2009m5d6-Dragons-Lust-Apparently-Dragons-need-love-too
July 25th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Wait.. so who took the picture?
July 25th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Best article in a while, good work. I’m pretty sure the picture you put at the end will prevent you from having any career other than comedy writer.
July 25th, 2009 at 11:53 am
My neighbors must be wondering, “What the hell is going on over there!” I’m alone, quietly socially networking, when Twitter sends me to this page, and now I’m guffawing so hard tears are squirting out of my eyes. Then I call my husband to read your synopsis for “If ‘Twilight’ Was About Dragons,” and now his co-workers are wondering what the hell is going on over here. You ruined my work day, because how can I write anything else while I’m daydreaming about dragon sex? Thank you for that, and write more please!
July 25th, 2009 at 11:28 am
I’m officially in love with you, DOB. I will replace my penis and other man-parts with vaginas, flotation tubes and other ladybits if you let me bear your children. <3
July 25th, 2009 at 11:06 am
I derived great pleasure from reading this. Great, great pleasure. Mmm.
July 25th, 2009 at 10:58 am
And honestly… who wouldn’t?! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=23&sku=E-CD00263 Mmmm… yummy!
July 25th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Please, for the love of God finish this book.
July 25th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Oh. My. Gosh. I was LITERALLY in tears reading this… I was reading aloud to my girlfriend, and had to stop 5 different times because I was laughing so hard.
This was pretty much exactly the way Twilight was written. DOB, you kick ass.
The “mysterious and mysterious” bit made it so I couldn’t breathe.
July 25th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Can you please, for the love of god, write this book?
I would pay like three bucks for it.
Which is EXACTLY three dollars more than I would pay for Twilight,
probably three dollars more than you thought you would get for it.
But for reals, I want to know what happens to Bonita. Does she get pregnant and have her insides melted when the baby sneezes?
Can we make it happen???
July 25th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Holy crap, I damn near peed my pants I was laughing so hard. I read Twilight because everyone told me how good it was and couldn’t believe how actually horrible it was.
And this isn’t THAT far off the writing style. F’n brilliant, dude.
July 25th, 2009 at 8:45 am
You don’t seem to be that creative with fighting chapters. Wasn’t one chapter in Bartender “The One With Fighting” or something like that?
Very funny, though. Good work.
I also vote TZ13 should change his name. I was here first, motherfucka.
July 25th, 2009 at 7:49 am
this is gold. hell, i wonder how would a whole damn book look like.
July 25th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Not bad, but I prefer my Twilight parodies to contain more aliens, robots, and slimy tentacular alien sex: http://xlormp.livejournal.com/
July 25th, 2009 at 7:39 am
I read the whole thing for the dragon fisting…to go….WHERE IS IT????
July 25th, 2009 at 6:45 am
I’ve been trying to decide for a long time whether my favorite columnist is you or Brockway. The scales are once again tipped in your favor.
July 25th, 2009 at 6:31 am
I can’t stop crying I’m still laughing that hard!!!!!! Genius!
July 25th, 2009 at 5:40 am
very funny stuff. Probably my favourite article since I became addicted to Cracked.
July 25th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Wow. That was, like, awesome, dude. You write just like Stephanie Meyer except gnarlier.
July 25th, 2009 at 2:30 am
Is that Helena Bonham-Carter getting molested by a dragon in that first picture?
July 25th, 2009 at 2:12 am
DOB is the best author that’s ever seen Cracked.com
July 25th, 2009 at 1:10 am
Absolutly brilliant! Not only do I love it becasue it made me laugh, but it also made stephanie meyer cry. A truley powerful peice.
July 25th, 2009 at 12:58 am
You make me want to copy/paste things you write to friends so they giggle too, but then I figure they wouldn’t get it without the rest of the story, and we all know you never really go to links friends send you most of the time.
July 25th, 2009 at 12:57 am
Well played, DOB…well played indeed.
July 25th, 2009 at 12:32 am
Brilliant.
July 25th, 2009 at 12:11 am
HA!
*Bonita gazing vapidly at Theo*
Theo: “Hey baby, you’re looking a little fat…How bout you get on my scales!
Y’know, cause he is a dragon…dragon?…scales?…aw fuck it
July 24th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
fingerblast has become a major verb in my vocabulary now.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
Just FYI, if you manage to read this O’Brien:
You’ve inspired me to call my (24 year old, like me!) girlfriend who somehow loves fucking Twilight books, at 3 in the morning, wake her up, and make her read this entire article aloud to me over the phone. Thanks, great read!
July 24th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Dear Daniel O’ Brien
Please actually write this book, it will be awesome. Since this obviously may have never occured to you, it may seem as if you owe me some sort of hefty reward for giving this wonderful knowledge. However, all I ask for is a free copy when it is complete.
Thank you,
Jay
July 24th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
man you’re awesome.
i’d have sex with you, guaranteed.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
‘Ingénue, n. - The role of an innocent artless young woman’
Well there’s your literary merit - i like the subtleties
great read
July 24th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
this is special. everyone needs to know aobut Enter the Dragon. The whole world needs to buy it!
July 24th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
fucking brilliant, and the chapter list is hilarious
July 24th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
hilarious (I wish there were italics so I could emphasize just how truly hilarious that was)
July 24th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Best one yet, my man. Pure gold.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Amusing.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
there is totally visible dong in the author picture, between the blurring and the toilet seat.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
watch megan fox topless photo
http://celebfry.com/megan_fox_jennifer_body_photo.html
July 24th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
DOB, i must say this is some of your best work. i especially love the last picture
July 24th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
“..and I can’t even totally remember if she had both parents or if one of them died at some point. And I am not flipping back to check, so you can just forget it.”
DOB, you rock my face off!!
July 24th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Fantastic. You are hysterical. I would totally buy this book.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
I haven’t even read Twilight nor do i plan to, but i still lol’d from start to finish.
Great article!
July 24th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
I really really loved this post. I’d join all the other people that said they´d buy your book, but that’d be bullshit, I’d probably download if fo’ free on the web
July 24th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Will you marry me?
On a less serious note, I have read Twilight, and i also have blew chunks from in. The most shameful part was that i still had faith in the author and went and looked up The Host. Which probably didn’t get as much press coverage because it didn’t involve some Egotistical look-at-my-vampire-penis Vampire. Yet i firmly stand by that it was a decent read. Oh i’ll tell you the ending. Ian doesn’t fuck!
-Your new stalker: Emma :p
July 24th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
This I amazing, it should be published, I would definitely buy it.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
DOB you never cease to amaze me.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
After having just finsihed my own blog on Twlight, I can certainly say that this was more than welcome. And hilarouis.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Damn, DOB.
It’s official. You just joined Brendan Gleeson on my man-crush list.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
Good stuff. Stick it to’em O’Brien, me boyo!
Oh, yeah, do you know where the term “O’Brien potatoes” comes from? I’ve been wondering. Hell, if I was an Irish tour guide, I’d make up a bunch of stuff about Ireland and tell it to people during the tour.
“O’Brien potatoes are named after Irish Revolution hero Timothy O’Brien, who is famed for driving off an entire British regiment simply by throwin’ sacks of potatoes at’em.”
“Really?”
“Uh, sure, whatever answer’ll get me more tips when we get back.”
July 24th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
Where is the damn sparkling?!
July 24th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
I think it’s safe to say, you’d have quite a few people who would buy this book if you were ever serious about creating it lol.
We all need a book that would make us crack up every single page!!
Write it and we will cum.. I mean.. buy it! *shifty eye*
July 24th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
DOB I thank you sir. Your irreverent display of calculated idiocy has never failed to amuse me. WRITE A GODDAMN BOOK, THE LOT OF YOU. A beginning middle and end. 20 pages max, that’s all i ask as long as you, Bucholz, Brockway, Gladstone, and Swaim all write something in it. Would it help to motivate you if i said i was a rich and powerful publisher? Whose books run the gamut from Paradise Lost to Calvin and Hobbes? And if your book is really good i may let you sacrifice small animals to quell my fury. Or maybe just Seanbaby.
Don’t get me wrong, that Sims 3 thing was funny as hell. I just don’t know how well you write on a topic that isn’t ballpunching and videogames. Come to think of it that sounds like the rest of you guys too.
I’m not asking for a masterpiece just as long as it’s funny. You could get totally stoned and write until your fingers bleed and i’ll find it hilarious. I’m easy, just WRITE anything.
Also, thelordofhell, did you seriously try to stop someone’s rant with a wikipedia link? If it wasn’t for the other 999 million “first”, trolls, and Chuck Norris anythings i would say that was the dumbest thing i’d ever seen. Dictionary, dude. Dictionary.com.
Peace.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Haha I really want to read this to my Twilight loving friend but she would spend the whole night trying to defend the stupid books. I remember reading the first few chapters and I must say this is much more interesting
July 24th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Being a female, and at one time a teenage female, I never saw the appeal of romance novels. But this I would read. For a good laugh at romance novels.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Dear Idaho,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mormonism
You may now go on your “Mormonism is so not a word” rant again.
Your Friend,
thelordofhell
July 24th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
I love how despite the fact that this is just you making fun of Twilight, it’s ridiculously better.
Thank you — I laughed ridiculously hard.
Not to mention that picture at the end confirmed that fact that I’m pretty much in love with you.
Please marry me. Right now.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
I was in my local bookstore yesterday and passed the display with the Twilight books, so I picked one up to see what all the fuss is about. I read one page and my brain started to go as numb as Bonita’s, I mean Bella’s. DOB’s writing is far superior and he should have his book published.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Hahah that’s so great.
But you forgot the spelling and grammar flaws that Stephenie Meyer seems to have.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Fantastic.
July 24th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Don’t forget that the heroine should have at least a minor flaw like Bella’s tripping-when-you-don’t-expect-her-to-be flaw.. I suggest that Bonita should be puking unctrollably hard when in front of her crush..that would’ve been awesome…dragon fire + ordinary girl’s puke= awesome!!!
July 24th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
You do know that the furries are going to LOVE this.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I gotta say…that picture was kinda hot, despite the toilet O_O…
July 24th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
You are my hero. You fuckin NAILED that genre hahaha
July 24th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Also, “Who is that boy,” Bonita asked. “He is so mysterious, and so different from the other boys.” In the distance, Theo snarled and swung his tail a few times, inadvertently sweeping the legs of a passing student.
That was amazing. Although, I think the contents were the best.
9. Young Hearts
10. Wise Beyond Her Age
11. No One is Too Young For Love
12. Dragon Years (Are Like Accelerated Human Years, So It’s OK)
13. The Age-Related Laws When it Comes to Sex Are Completely Arbitrary, When You Think About It
14. What Does “Consent” Even Mean? Consent From Whom? The Law Is Not Clear
15. The Second Day of School
July 24th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
I love how every time I start thinking that the rest of the bloggers on this site are kind of awesome, DOB comes swooping in on a rope made of dick jokes (I do not know how he does this) and posts something like this, essentially saying, “Riven, Brockway’s all well and good and yeah those drugged adventure whatever things were kind of cool. Seanbaby had that Sims thing and that was okay. But look what I can do.”
And I say, “I’m sorry, DOB. I’ll never doubt you again.”
July 24th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
i would dragon hump this book
zA~
July 24th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
ehhh, the last pic is horrible……and gay…..and is that you drunk/
July 24th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
apologies for the bad spelling and punctuation, my contacts are dry and I am nearly blind right now.:)
July 24th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
“because if there’s anything Twilight tell us, it’s that chicks love sitting passively on the sidelines while violent, mysterious men make absolutely every important decision for them”
Exactly why my sister and i have been crusading against Twilight. And no, we are not leasbians that hate men. We just hate teenaged girls thinking it’s oK to be fucking stupid.
As for the fact that adults are now buying the books that are ‘like twilight’., that is absolutely correct. I work in a bookstore and I secretly laugh at all the grown women that come in and ask me for Vampire Diaries or Blue Bloods or the House of Night series because they can’t find them on the shelves. I tell them that those books are for teenagers so they are in the kiddie section.
I love doing that.
My top picks right now in popular fiction:
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Come, Thou Tortoise
Fool
The Art of Racing in the Rain
and if you absolutely must have vampires (and I must) try The Strain. They aren’t your typical vampires that’s for sure.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
“a goddamned eye-laser jamboree, I swear to God, like, you don’t even know.”
This is the point at which I convulsed form laughing too hard. I’ll be sending you my medical bills.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Publish this fucking book now.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
memo for DOB:
1. it DOES need more venom cock…add a chapter called that, dob!
2. speaking of venom cock, i dont think you shud ever wear pants. ever.
3. i actually kinda want to fuck theo. unlike edward. so you’re already a better writer
July 24th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Intensely and immeasurably awesome. I’m another one of those slobs who never reply to anything on this site, but this demanded my praise. Great work DOB.
Dongtacular even.
July 24th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I’m a dragon on the inside
July 24th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I was just thinking that Officer Wiggles. lol.
What a great article.
July 24th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Fucking Great! As in great fucking like fucking great……?
July 24th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Daniel, is that your shaft just below those pixels and just above that toilet seat??????
July 24th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Excellent.
I was only smiling until I got to the excerpt… but what followed was the finest piece of teen literature in 8 decades. You have your finger on the pulse of today’s youth.
July 24th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I wanna read that prologue.
July 24th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
This is friggin’ hilarious. XD XD
July 24th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
lmao i would so laugh while reading that book even if it was during the middle of a romance part.I didnt even read twilight but id certainly read that retarded book.
July 24th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
excellent. laughed!
July 24th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
That picture of you on the toilet is like, totally hot.
July 24th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
KEEP GOING! I’m a seventeen year old girl, and I haven’t read Twilight, but this doesn’t seem all that bad. I want to see some dragon-fuckin’ though.
July 24th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
That Synopsis really did have me laughing out loud. … good stuff
July 24th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
I would buy this book.
July 24th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
If you publish this book I will be first in line to buy it. You’re awesome! I want to read more about mysterious and mysterious theo…wonder what will happen next.
Lol.
July 24th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Dumbledore dies (by fisting)
July 24th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I loved it like a person who loves things would love something!
July 24th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
I would buy this book and love it forever.
July 24th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Really awesome. Laughing out loud at the horn/dong passage.
July 24th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
ohhhhhh daniel…
July 24th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Bahahaha! I know for sure that my Twilight-brainwashed moron friends would buy this up and not know any better.
July 24th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Oh my God… funniest thing ever.
“Prologue: I’m Making Up My Own Rules About Dragons So Go To Hell”
LOL! I’d copy and paste my other favorite parts of the article, but I’d end up just copying all of it.
July 24th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
the bio photo is the kicker. DOB you are officially my favorite writer on this site. DOB>those other guys
July 24th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
epic phail Says:
July 24th, 2009 at 4:59 am
“I lol’d when i read the chapter titles and chapter 15 is titled “the second day of school”
you are fuckin hilarious”
That is totally what I thought.
But you seem to be quite insane and to have a low self-esteem DOB.
Just stay that way. No one wants a smug smartass comedian.
July 24th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Internet Daniel, I think you should know I’m stealing your town of Backstory, Massachussets the first chance I have.
July 24th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
I bet this danielle o’brien chick is pretty hot, she writes about some pretty intense dragon fucking, so she probably bones like a pro herself. (I wonder why she always posts pictures of that weird dude who’s head looks like a freshly trimmed nutsack. Fuck that guy.)
I love you Danielle, will you marry me?
July 24th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Magnificent.
Also I’m going to feel awful if I’m the first to post this link: http://baddragon.com
July 24th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
lmao
July 24th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
So funny I was sad when i realized there were no more chapters. I would buy the shit out of that book.
July 24th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
That was crazy funny, man.
I’d really hate to bring back this meme we finally put to death, but…
In Soviet Russia, dragon enter YOU!
July 24th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
That was like a fiesta…in my loins. Hilarious.
July 24th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Bonita! That’s brilliant
I hope you’re not too serious about not writing online anymore; sometimes this stuff is the only part of the net worth reading.
July 24th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Hey I live in Colorado! How about including me in the story somehow
July 24th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
LOVE IT
Way to pin meyer’s retarded way of writing with a thesaurus
July 24th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
BILLY MAYS HERE WITH THE TREND SMASHING NEW DANIEL O’BRIEN NOVEL ‘ENTER THE DRAGON’! IT WILL ALIENATE YOUR DAUGHTER FROM YOU, PUT HAIR ON YOUR CHEST, AND EXCHANGE EERILY KNOWING GLANCES WITH YOUR WIFE WHEN IT THINKS YOU ARENT LOOKING! BUY NOW AND WE WILL THROW IN NOT ONE BUT TWO, COUNT THEM, TWO FIRE EMITTING DILDOS! WHAT DEAL! ‘ENTER THE DRAGON’, AND TWO FIRE EMITTING DILDOS FOR JUST 29.99! CALL NOW!
July 24th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Thank you once again, Daniel O’Brien. This article was f*cking hilarious.
July 24th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
I’ll buy it as long as it has pictures.
July 24th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
funniest article ever
July 24th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
reminds me of the Onion article: “My Novel Addresses Deep issues of Humanity, and has Fucking”
July 24th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Holy crap… I don’t think I’ve laughed this much at any cracked article. Freakin HILARIOUS!
I would totally buy that book hehe
July 24th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
The part that made me laugh the hardest was:
7. Seeing An Angel
8. Getting All Up In That Angel
I don’t know why it struck my funny bone, but it did. Awesome stuff DOB.
July 24th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
godlike
July 24th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Great as always DOB.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:54 am
More like, ENTERED BY the Dragon, amirite?
July 24th, 2009 at 11:54 am
<3333333!
July 24th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Please remember us wyrms when you make millions off this.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Dear God, I may need to record myself reading this. I want this whole book, now.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Wow, did you steal this from Stephanie Meyer’s brain or something?
Actually, nevermind. This is much better than anything she could have ever written. This is going to get awards, dude.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:48 am
I never comment so please understand this is a big deal…. FUCKING FANTASTIC… please put a chapter out once or twice a week!
July 24th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Hahahahahaha, move over Twilight, cuz DOB’s Enter the Dragon is coming…and it’s probably gonna fist you, hard.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:46 am
You are glorious.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:42 am
this was awesome… i would def read a lot more if all books were like this
July 24th, 2009 at 11:41 am
4. Theo Has a Secret!
5. He’s a Dragon, Is the Secret
I shat my pants.
nice picture
(:
July 24th, 2009 at 11:38 am
This is sadly exactly like Meyer’s style of writing. Yes, I read the putrid books to see what all the hub-bub was about. My eyes bled.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:36 am
This is awesome. Good work!
July 24th, 2009 at 11:36 am
would buy, would buy…
July 24th, 2009 at 11:33 am
funniest columnist by far. Epic Win
July 24th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Mormonism is so not a word.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Fucking amazing, totally fantastic!
-Dragonhumping Weekly
sooo funny it was great u should actually write this book, i’d read it AND IM A DUDE
July 24th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Dude, finish it and sell it online. I’d buy that shit just to rub it in my Twihard friends’ noses and see if they laugh or try to kill me.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Nice story but you forgot to link the whole thing to some quasi-cult religion (i.e. Twilight=Mormonism). Might I suggest that you throw in some vague references to the Scientology mythos, y’know like the dragons are the space race that will take over our world, but the clan that Theo belongs to is against enslaving the whole world and bwah, bwah, bwah, bwah, bwah……..chicks lap that crap up.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:08 am
http://thatotherpaper.com/files/dragonsandcars09_top.jpg
July 24th, 2009 at 11:04 am
I’m gonna buy the shit out of that book, then I’m gonna buy the shit out of the other 3 books, after that, I’m gonna watch the film based on the first book until they no longer show it at theaters then I will ge the bluray and watch the movie every weekend, then I’m gonna read the new Enter The Dragon version told from Theo’s point of view and finally I’m gonna make shrine in your honor DOB. A FUCKING SHRINE.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:57 am
That was a hoot!! Thank you strange naked toilet man!!
You should also mention that the bad writing only improves the, “girl crack factor.”
July 24th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Good stuff.
Nanowrimo this book and stick it to those female authors writing tween “romance”
July 24th, 2009 at 10:51 am
i always thought it would be a good idea to write a shitty novel like this to gain a quick buck.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:49 am
if billy mays were still alive i would recommend you have him sell it. 19.99 and a second copy AND a box of tissues. for 19.99. if you wrote this book livejournal and the twilight fan community would buy the shit out of this book. not realizing the parody. maybe one would be offended. stephanie meyers would be proud that she “influenced” you. i liked this article =] (book needs more chapters on fisting.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:46 am
I lol’d so hard! your Author’s photo was what sealed the deal for me
July 24th, 2009 at 10:45 am
That would sell. I know a bunch of chicks that would so buy that. Good work DOB, you could make some money off that.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Shouldn’t Theo be some pathetic pussy version of a dragon? For instance, he can only breathe glitter, his skin is fake leather, he can’t fly, just hover a bit? I only point this out because I am now as big a fan of this story as stupid people are of Twilight.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:37 am
“Theo has feelings for Bonnie as well, but he also has a deep, dark secret. A deep, dark dragon secret. He is a dragon.”
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Now that’s more like it man! Keep it up
July 24th, 2009 at 10:33 am
“I’mma pork you with my dragon tail, is what I’m trying to say,” funniest thing iv read in ages!!lol
July 24th, 2009 at 10:31 am
I want to buy this book with actual money, and DoB needs to be crowned the king of the internets.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:26 am
please, please write an entire book. So cash.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:22 am
I’ve long thought about trying to write stories for publication during my spare time, but never thought I’d have a chance. After reading your take on Twilight I feel I’ve got a decent shot. Thanks DOB…have fun this weekend, and remember claiming police brutality usually works on getting out of prison in a hurry.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:11 am
twilight..check out robert pattinson
http://www.robertpattinson.me/
July 24th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Okay, I know everyone is saying this, but will you please please please keep writing this? I would read if off here, your website, buy it, whatever, but please keep writing this!! It made me so happy!
July 24th, 2009 at 9:55 am
only one chapter dedicated to fisting?
July 24th, 2009 at 9:54 am
I would buy the shit out of this book.
Though, you need to have much, *much* more tedious description of how “beautiful” and “angelic” and “godlike” the dragon is if you really want to sell your book to the Twilight crowd. And when I say “much much more,” I mean that at least 200-250 pages of your book needs to be nothing but mind numbingly repetitive purple prose devoted to harping on and on about how amazingly perfect the dragon is.
Also, you need more adverbs. No one in your book should ever just say something, they should say it “softly” or “shyly” or “mysteriously.” Think of your dialogue tags as the letter Q, and the adverbs as the letter U. You can’t have one without the other.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:53 am
“Theo approached her, his horns pointing out like dongs atop his head, and his dong, confident and powerful, protruding from his dong-region like a massive horn.”
I pee’d a little.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Good to know!
And thousands of sincere and serious tall people I met on http://Tallloving.com are the most amazing people I ever met! they care nothing but real love and chemistry! that’s what we are looking for in today’s world!
July 24th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Your writing style is EXACTLY like Meyer’s!
July 24th, 2009 at 9:41 am
If ‘Twilight’ Were About Dragons
yeah
July 24th, 2009 at 9:39 am
There was so much more fisting in Twilight.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Now, what’s really strange is, I actually recognize that the book cover is actually photoshopped cover art from Stephen King’s Misery.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:22 am
One of the few good articles written by DOB. And Apparently, he knows good booze when he sees it. Long live the Captain.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:21 am
You’d think this Twilight bashing articles would get old, but they keep getting better and better.
Cracked at it’s finest.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:15 am
It wasn’t possible, but independent thought wasn’t one of Bonita’s strong points.
ahaahahahha
July 24th, 2009 at 9:10 am
I think you’re on to something here. I’d personally much rather do a dragon than a vampire.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:03 am
DRAGON-DONGTACULAR!!!!!!!
July 24th, 2009 at 9:02 am
“Theo’s claws clicked and clacked on the linoleum of the floor, making a sort of “clickity clackity” sound, like the sound of dragon claws on linoleum.”
lmao. hilarious. id buy this book for sure.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:59 am
I would like to subscribe to your newsletter also.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:59 am
O’brien, you glorious cheese-weasel.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:56 am
so would I
July 24th, 2009 at 8:54 am
I’d pay $29.99 for your book over Twilight… seriously.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:50 am
WRITE THIS FUCKING BOOK
I WILL FUCKING BUY IT GODDAMN IT
July 24th, 2009 at 8:44 am
“I don’t feel like mentioning that my stomach is already full, Bonita thought. Full of butterflies. Fucking each other.”
LMAO. Brilliant. truly brilliant.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:35 am
If you write it.
They will buy it.
And by ‘it’ I mean this book, and by ‘they’ I mean me.
If that made any goddamn sense.
DOB you have such hairy legs, but don’t worry I ‘em that way.
I don’t even care if you do actually have a small dick, it’s your brain I’m interested in.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:34 am
I fucked a Bonita once. Strangely, her thing was being submissive so indeed I was making the decissions. In that I told her what position to take before massive fistingsessions began
July 24th, 2009 at 8:29 am
At least it’s better than Twilight. I mean, it’s honest about its stupidity. I’d buy it for all of my moron friends.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Have I referred to DOB as the New American Jesus yet? Well, this is the New American Bible.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:22 am
“Parents just don’t understand,” Theo said and they both had a good laugh. Theo stared at Bonita, and she at him, and he at her, their eyes burning eyeholes into each other, like a bunch… like this was some kind of… like, a goddamned eye-laser jamboree, I swear to God, like, you don’t even know.
lolololololoollol
July 24th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Needs more venomcock
July 24th, 2009 at 8:21 am
as always, awesome
July 24th, 2009 at 8:20 am
Got me all nostalgic for the bartender. Write some more, why don’t you?
July 24th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Green spooch and all! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ Yeah Baby… YEAH!!!!
July 24th, 2009 at 8:15 am
“like, a goddamned eye-laser jamboree, I swear to God, like, you don’t even know” was my favourite part. DOB, if you ever wrote a book, I would by it without question. You could even just randomly copy and paste one-liners from your previous articles and I’d still buy it. Keep up the good work!
July 24th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Danial, I’m telling you, if you actually write this book I will buy a copy for everyone I know, and several people I don’t
July 24th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Danny boy, you always leave me in stitches. As soon as you saw you wrote an article bashing Twilight, I had change shorts. Then I started read and had to do it again…
And while this is funny, it’s oddly disturbing that, basically what you just wrote, is read and taken seriously by millions of people. Stephanie Meyers has more money than I’ll ever have. And she did it by writing like a sixth-grade girl first experiencing horniness, writing her favorite fanfic
July 24th, 2009 at 8:06 am
“She’s not in the book anymore.” I don’t know why, but I found this the funniest line of this laugh-out-loud funny article. Good work, man!
PS - You probably could get a book published with writing like that. But it would be dirty, dirty money.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:06 am
Dude, this thing is beyond hilarious!
July 24th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Please oh please let this book actually come out. I would buy a million copies and make everyone I know read it.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:54 am
You never specifically said that you didn’t want my advice.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:52 am
I think you shoud defintely do another chapter, but probably no more than that. It’s difficult to avoid making the same criticisms of twilight that you made this time so you’d have to put in a good deal of effort
July 24th, 2009 at 7:49 am
This book could make you very rich.
For some reason, “Theo’s claws clicked and clacked on the linoleum of the floor, making a sort of “clickity clackity” sound, like the sound of dragon claws on linoleum.” made me laugh the hardest.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:48 am
ENTER THE DRAGON
the movie based on the hit book by DOB
starring Freddy Prinze Jr. and Miley Cyrus
coming fall 2012!
July 24th, 2009 at 7:41 am
Hilarious. DO’B You need to submit the ‘Warming chill” part to the worst sentence ever competition. It’s an actual thing.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Shouldn’t the name of you book be like, Let the Dragon Enter You or something? If you’re not careful this could sound like. Gay. Enter the dragon. Buttfuck the dragon. Not really that cool.
DOB I love you. Also, when I got onto the cracked homepage, I just saw the title of this and was like, Oh there’s DOB’s post.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:39 am
shit what? there are smileys here now? aww hell naw
July 24th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Bonita needs a unicorn friend as well in order to maximize the monster dong love triangle.
Sadly, if this book really existed both my husband and I would read it.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Great stuff, had me laughing my ass off at work, glad the boss isn’t here today.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:39 am
“Writing for the Internet is to literature what aimlessly punching statues in the nuts is to karate”
oh dear lord, my dimples hurt from grinning.
<— like that
July 24th, 2009 at 7:38 am
this is the funniest cracked article i’ve read in a while.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:37 am
“14. What Does “Consent” Even Mean? Consent From Whom? The Law Is Not Clear”
XD
This is one of the reasons why you are my favorite cracked writer, DoB!
After Swaim, that is.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:28 am
I sometimes feel sorry for all the flak Twilight recieves.
But then i remember how it did a big, fat shit on every genuinely cool and terrifying thing vampires had done in fiction before it came along.
Then all i feel is the urge to kill.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:25 am
OMG i would totally want to see DOB’s twilight movie!!! LOL
July 24th, 2009 at 7:25 am
I loathe that book, but I do love the golden parodies it spawns.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:24 am
Its funny that there are already human/dragon romance novels…
katie mcalister has a bunch…
and I’ve read them
July 24th, 2009 at 7:18 am
I laughed so hard my neighbor peed her pants.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:15 am
One time I was raped by Dragons
July 24th, 2009 at 7:09 am
The part I didn’t like was when you said “but independent thought wasn’t one of Bonita’s strong points”. That strongly implies that there is something that Bonita isn’t great at - I really prefer my heroines’ only flaw to be that she’s great at everything, only misunderstood - that way I can relate more easily.
Other than that though, it was great. I’ve called my local bookseller to pre-order.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:59 am
I was seriously laughing out loud.
…alone in my room
that’s beside the point, though, because that was hilarious. You could sell this book and I promise someone would genuinely think it was a serious book.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:57 am
Wow I better go write some crappy fanfiction about this straight away.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:55 am
I knew he would be passed out somewhere.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:48 am
in the sequel there should be some were-unicorn f$%&&/ing
way to go DOB
July 24th, 2009 at 6:46 am
lol@dob
July 24th, 2009 at 6:44 am
this is hilarious- write another chapter!
July 24th, 2009 at 6:41 am
That cracked my shit up… Btw, nice bottle of Cap’n.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:40 am
great work dob, really funny. I especially loved the chapter list.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:31 am
I’m pretty sure I’ve read this book. Mary Brown wrote these books about this chick who bangs a dragon. But the dragon is a pig at first.
“Pigs Don’t Fly But Dragons Do” is the title of the first one.
The banging occurs in the second.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:29 am
Y’know if you removed the erotica form this book and made the bold words less obvious, this book could sell pretty damn well.
Seriously.
Have you SEEN the crap that’s in the Teens section of Barnes and Noble?
July 24th, 2009 at 6:22 am
Holy fuck that was funny! Nice work. I haven’t laughed like that at this site for a long time.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:17 am
“No.” I don’t feel like mentioning that my stomach is already full, Bonita thought. Full of butterflies. Fucking each other.”
I almost died fro laughter when i read this! Good job DOB.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Best band-name ever: Eye-Laser Jamboree
Awesome article. Eminently publishable.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:12 am
1) I liked DOB’s character more when he was called JOHN CHEESE.
2) That’s not his dick; that’s the bottom interior of the toilet, where the water’s funneled. DOB is Irish and short (redundant) and therefore has a small dick. You can tell because–again–he’s Irish, and one of the many reasons why Irishmen are alcoholics (all of them) is because they have tiny pricks.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:06 am
You guys write a LOT of Twilight stuff. Methinks you secretly really like it. Are Cracked a bunch of tweeny girls? If so… asl?
July 24th, 2009 at 5:49 am
@felix: sorry, i didnt see ur comment and now it looks like ive copied. my bad.
July 24th, 2009 at 5:44 am
I nearly shat myself reading this. Holy fuck that was funny
July 24th, 2009 at 5:41 am
I see alot of people are adding there favorite part of the chapter so i’ll throw mine in too:
“I don’t feel like mentioning that my stomach is already full, Bonita thought. Full of butterflies. Fucking each other.”
That bit cracked(!) me up.
July 24th, 2009 at 5:39 am
This is so good!
“No.” I don’t feel like mentioning that my stomach is already full, Bonita thought. Full of butterflies. Fucking each other.
That had me in tears! Hahahah!
July 24th, 2009 at 5:36 am
Dammit, Tom, you beat me! I was already wanting to write a pithy comment about Trogdor as soon as I saw the first picture.
Now I have to go sulk in the corner.
BURNINATING THE VILLAGES!!
July 24th, 2009 at 5:36 am
WOW…That was nut shattering hillarious. For the love of god please write more chapters. I beg you.
July 24th, 2009 at 5:35 am
gold. this is pure gold.
July 24th, 2009 at 5:34 am
Awesome article D.O.B!
But i gotta ask… WHO TOOK THE PHOTO?!?!?!
July 24th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Very little on the internet entertains me more…
thanks Dob…and Cracked…
July 24th, 2009 at 5:21 am
Oh god… the bottom part of the picture isn’t censored… god help us.
July 24th, 2009 at 5:10 am
OH THANK FUCK, IT’S DOB.
July 24th, 2009 at 5:08 am
hmm so mens willy’s go in the toilet when they’re sitting down…
July 24th, 2009 at 5:07 am
OMG! I already have the Facebook and Twitter fan pages ready for this book…like soooo coool.
July 24th, 2009 at 5:00 am
I’ll preorder that. When is it coming out?
July 24th, 2009 at 4:59 am
I lol’d when i read the chapter titles and chapter 15 is titled “the second day of school”
you are fuckin hilarious
July 24th, 2009 at 4:58 am
HOLY SHIT THAT WAS HILARIOUS.
I also like the way Carlton dances.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:55 am
I’d totally buy that book… I love the illustrations.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:54 am
The 2007 Eye-Laser Jamboree was much better than last year’s. It’s gotten so commercial.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:53 am
all I ask is when does the book come out? omg, that was so much better than twilight, please please write this!
July 24th, 2009 at 4:52 am
Capt. Morgan? C’mon pussy. Everyone knows if youre going to get drunk and pass out on the shitter that Wild Turkey is the way to go.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:50 am
You NEED to do more chapters, it has great potential to become my favourite ever book. pleaseeeee
July 24th, 2009 at 4:49 am
Another great article, DOB.
I especially liked “…while she was trying to figure out tacos..”!
I would so buy this book. I hope its at least a four part series.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:31 am
Theo kinda looks like Trogdor with the beefy arm there for good measure. Oh, and thanks for leaving a small part unblockified!
July 24th, 2009 at 4:30 am
I laughed so hard my manager rushed out to see what caused me to fall over and if she could be sued for it. Upon learning I was checking the Internet on my phone instead of tending to customers, I was fired and finally cut free to read Cracked to my heart’s content, or until AT&T turns off my service. Either way, it was worth becoming one of the bountiful unwashed to read about dragon dongs. You truly are the next coming of Christ. Given that the last coming was a dog who could bark Aud Lang Sine, tthis should come as no surprise, Lord.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:29 am
Fantastic
I’d write my favourite quotes of this here, but I’d end up copying and pasting the entire article.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:29 am
Serious kudos, this article rocked.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:26 am
waiting at the bookstore already. Come on, DOB!
July 24th, 2009 at 4:25 am
I love it. You could dethrone twilight.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:21 am
The entire article was awesome but holy shit did you just put a nude picture of yourself for everyone to see?
Dan you are my idol.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:20 am
Awesome, can’t wait for the movie!
July 24th, 2009 at 4:19 am
already better than twatlight
July 24th, 2009 at 4:18 am
Made me laugh, twighlight sucked dragon dong
July 24th, 2009 at 4:17 am
Another excellent artice, DOB. “Theo whispered, his pointed dragon teeth looking like a bunch of finely sharpened dongs. “Are you hungry?” pure poetry. That stomach full of butterflies line always makes me laugh.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:16 am
This was fucking brilliant. More chapters please!
July 24th, 2009 at 4:16 am
god damn it i want to have that book. you need to write it asap.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:09 am
I like how DOB always takes mockable genres and makes fun of them with his ‘no-nense, fuck everything sideways in the ear while semi-sober’ sense of humor. HI-larious.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:08 am
Awesome! I look forward to the full book!
July 24th, 2009 at 4:05 am
I’d buy it…*swoon*