Wikipedia calls Isabella Rossellini an Italian film actress, author, Lancome model, and philanthropist. I’m assuming the last reference is to her appearance in The Cooler, in which a judicious use of her cupped hand spared us all the sight of William H. Macy’s limp dick.
It also tells us that she used to be married to Martin Scorsese, trains guide dogs for the blind, is an official ambassador to UNICEF, and was diagnosed with scoliosis at age 13. Man, Wikipedia is awesome.
But for all of its invasive and blandly worded detailing of the lives of a choice handful of the human beings on Earth, Wikipedia neglects to mention one very important Rossellini fact: that she is batshit insane.
How else can you explain her new series of “Green Pornos?” The made-for-cell-phone shorts feature Rossellini in various bug costumes humping cardboard, which is apparently an environmental message and pornography all wrapped up into one nauseating package. And since it’s for your cell phone, you can masturbate to them virtually anywhere!
Let me tell you something Rossellini; if this is your best attempt at pornography, you may want to stop your slow descent into drugs and self-objectification right now, because it’s a pretty lackluster effort.
First of all, who the hell told you porno was a good place to try and stick an environmental message? Who?! Craig? Fuck that guy. I don’t even know who that is. But I can guarantee you right now that your “Green Pornos” will go down in history alongside countless failed environmental/pornographic videos like Energy Cumservationists, Renewable Natural Re-Whores-es, and that scene in An Inconvenient Truth when Al Gore reams Tipper right there in the shaft of light from the powerpoint projector.
And let’s look at your production value. It’s terrible. Admittedly, this is porno, so we’re not expecting a lot, but your costumes look like they were cobbled together from thrift store clothes for a Third-Grade Performance of Jason and the Shitty Costumes.
If you want to see the kind of care and love that goes into the production of a truly fantastic porno, I direct your attention, as ever, to Pirates XXX. I heard the budget on that thing was in the eight-digits, and three stuntmen died while filming the sinking ghalleon/DVDA sequence. Now that’s dedication to the art.
And finally, when it really comes down to it, they just couldn’t get me over the edge. And believe me, I tried. I tried and I tried. For hours, at work, on the bus home, and nothing. I mean, I may have cum a little during the spider sequence (right when you dug your palpi into her epigyne), but I’m pretty sure it was because I was sitting over the engine and getting some vibration action.
Get your shit together, Rossellini, or this could very well be the last set of insectoid environmentalist mobile media pornography shorts you ever produce.
And again, thanks for cupping Macy’s cock. Really took one for the team there.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael breaks his penis off in his mate’s vagina as a plug for his semen as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Monday, May 19th, 2008 at 4:00 pm and is filed under Bugs, Isabella Rossellini, Sundance, pornography. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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June 21st, 2008 at 11:39 am
so that completely ruined s&m for me =(
May 29th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
@ Ryan:
I read your version, and I didn’t see any jokes to steal.
May 21st, 2008 at 5:51 pm
This is seriously awesome. The guy who DPd it actually came and talked to one of my classes last semester. (He’s also done a bunch of music videos for Beck, The White Stripes, and Brendan Benson, but I’d have to say this is the pinnacle of his career.)
May 21st, 2008 at 9:00 am
[...] regular reader of my posts, or indeed even someone who just started reading them Monday (when I made a classic Maria Bello/Isabella Rossellini blunder that, I can guarantee you, will [...]
May 21st, 2008 at 7:04 am
Isabella Rossellini, if you were a snail, I WOULD STILL TOTALLY FUCK YOU!
May 20th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Weird. and hilarious. Swaim is hands-down the funniest writer on this site.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I´m not going to say the thought of Isabella Rosseline having sex with cardboard insects hasn´t been a lifelong dream of mine, because that would be a lie. Sadly, the videos won´t play here in this internet cafe in Costa Rica, so I have no choice but to gauge the performances by the comments left on this blog. That means I am trusting the judgment of my fellow Cracked commentators. Likely this does not bode well.
By the way, we had a production of Jason and the Shitty Costumes in my grade school. I played Shitty-Police-Costume. My line in the play was truly legendary, and brought down the house.
“Let´s take him to costume prison!”
It still brings tears to my eyes to remember the applause.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
You actually did steal my jokes, Swaim. Thanks.
Except, you’re way fucking behind. TWO WHOLE WEEKS, dude.
Feel free to jack my blog about Bill Engvall too.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Well, now I can finally say I’ve seen someone get her head bit off by a box. Huh.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Seven people saw the Cooler? There are dozens of us!
…Dozens!
May 20th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Pirates XXX is the kind of movie men and women can enjoy. Or maybe just women. Or maybe just me. Either way, Evan Stone is my hero. If HE spearheaded a campaign for the environment people would have to take it seriously.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:22 am
It was Maria Bello in The Cooler, Isabella Rossellini wasn’t even credited.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:39 am
she was also with david lynch, which pretty much explains everything.
May 19th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
John, you are a philistine. Pirates XXX was perhaps the greatest film ever made.
May 19th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Okay, yeah… Loved the post, but as was said (and unless I’m missing something, which could very well be) it definitely was Maria Bello that took one for the team with Macy’s cock in her hand.
I only point this out, as I feel that it would be utterly remiss to ignore her noble, noble self-sacrifice. Would anyone on this message board do such a thing to protect the masses of us who saw the Cooler (seven, actually. There were seven of us) from an awful sight like the Macy cock?
I would think very, very few of us would.
Very few.
Swaim, I’m looking at you.
May 19th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Way to be commited to your art Swaim.
May 19th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Yeah there was something in the way snail moved that just screamed out Michael Swaim
Kind of like his is saying “I am enjoying this more than I should, but it sure gonna make a funny post. when I’m done fake fucking this lady dressed as a snail”
Or” Here I’ll get fucked in the ass by Isabella Rossellini while dressed in a praying mantis costume in front of a green screen and that ‘ll show Gladstone and his silly automan shirt and green teeth and barroom green screen antics, nothings gonna top this.”
May 19th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Saying that there is something Swaimish about the guy in the snail suit.
May 19th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
@Ross, yeah the way I heard it that was Swaim in the mantis costume.
May 19th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
‘Twas Maria Bello cupped the Macy member. Wasn’t it?
May 19th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
This just has an air of drama student about it.
May 19th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
One more thing, Please don’t tell me my fucking tax dollars paid for that shit.
May 19th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
The snail costume was kind of hot with the nipple and all. I didn’t know snails had nipples.
May 19th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Hahaha dude Swaim is fucking hilarious. This post was magnificent.
and Pirates XXX sucked.
May 19th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
You’re right Isabella, these insects are an abomination! Kill them! Kill them all!!!
May 19th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
It depends… are you a praying mantis and/or a snail?
May 19th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Hey Michael Swaim are you single and/or gay? I think you’re really hot/cute.
May 19th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
This will win the Oscar in 2080 trust me it’s… just… too ahead of its time for you to understand Swaim
Ha I called you art-illiterate!
May 19th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Ha! She shat on her own head… wow.
May 19th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
fucking first!!!
batshit insane indeed, like all enviromentalists