If you’re like most Cracked readers, you have a deep and fierce loathing of everyone around you, and constantly simmer in a stew of sweat and rage at your inability to shape the world to your will. Well good news friend! I’m here to help! For some reason!
Let me lay down the facts: you almost certainly lack the social graces and knowledge of current hairstyle trends to win the loyalty of an army of human supporters. Therefore, I’ve compiled a list of proven techniques you can use to assemble a literally unstoppable force of nature: an army of animals sworn to your service.
First, what’s your aim?
World domination:
You’re going to want to train animals that fit into one of the following broad categories, and preferably both: Animals that can fuck things up, and/or animals that inspire awe and trepidation.
The first category is pretty self explanatory, as you’ll naturally be expecting your army to do a fair bit of eviscerating on your way to toppling intransigent governing bodies. Animals that fit into this category are obvious: Wolves, Tigers, Sharks, or the name of pretty much every other high school football team.
The second category is where things get interesting. As military genius (and incredible pussy) Sun Tzu said, the most effective engagement is the one not fought. If you can scare your opponent into submission before the battle is fought, your forces will be fresh to fight another day. The best animals in this category are thus the most impressive and exotic. Giraffes, elephants, panda bears, really large lizards, etc…
Combining the two categories will yield the best results - think giraffe with a rocket launcher and two tigers strapped to its back. And on a side note, although I’m not generally an advocate of training birds due to their rock-stupidness, if you have the time, the irony inherent in training a squadron of attack doves is pretty rich.
Commuting in style:
Commuting to work on the back of a single animal might be fine for cowboys and Europeans, but I think we can all agree Cracked readers are a more discerning sort. Here’s an example of a man, probably a successful banker of some sort, commuting to the office on the back of two tigers.
Screams “I demand respect!” Also, “RAAAAAWR!”
Other ideas in the same vein:
- Penguin drawn carriage.
- A basket tethered to hundreds of owls.
- Hamster shoes.*
*Until science breeds a stronger hamster (write your Congressman) you may have to make do with lying down very carefully on a group of about 80 trained hamsters and crowd surfing about. Still pretty cool.
Impressing women:
It’s a simple fact of life that women tend to be more attracted to successful men, and particularly men with power. And if your career at Orange Julius is leaving you feeling a little low in the “success” and “power” departments, why not give a boost to your sex life by acquiring an army of loyal animal minions? The solution is so obvious!
“Yes I would like to go to the park and watch a pack of dingos tear apart people of your choosing!”
__
Tips on Procurement.
For exotics, a trip abroad is sadly your only real option. As a profession, zookeepers are surprisingly resistant to bribes and quick to cast judgment. Unless you possess greater charisma than I (you don’t), or deeper pockets (more likely) I don’t suggest you go down that route.
Common domestic animals are much easier, and the usual sources apply: the SPCA, classified ads or Craigslist. Be sure to pick your animals up one at a time though. People seem to get a little hesitant when you pull up in a van with thirty cats already inside of it, and will ask lots of questions about your “crazy, darting eyes.”
Tips on Training
First, I have to ask: do you have a special connection with animals that allows you to communicate with them telepathically? Because that will make things a lot easier. A relative with access to advanced mind control technology will also serve.
Failing that, you’re going to need only one thing: A Lot of Food. It’s here where some basic cost-benefit analysis and return on investment calculations kick in. As you should be able to deduce, certain animals will be cheaper and easier to train in volume than others. Trying to train an army of jaguars will be all but impossible unless you’re the scion of a powerful meat product family. For most of you I’d suggest for your first army to pick a fairly cheap animal to train. Given their ridiculously low standards for what they’ll eat, dogs are probably the easiest choice for beginners. If you want something a little less conventional, try one of the larger rodents, like a porcupine or prairie dog. Once you’ve sacked the treasury of a small central American country or one of the Mid-Western states you can consider moving up to the more interesting animals.
As for the training process itself, it’s surprisingly simple: Show an animal how to do something. If they do it, feed them. If they don’t, yell at them. This may involve some repetition.
A word regarding the classic motivation balance of the carrot or the stick: beating an animal with a carrot is largely ineffective.
Other Tips:
Odor control: Animals have a much more developed sense of smell than humans do, and consequently have developed incredibly complicated systems for determining whom to mate with and where to pee*. Although you’ll be unable to detect most of these scents, you should have a basic understanding of how this works and it’s importance, if only to make you feel better about the stench that will haunt your every waking hour.
*German animals have been known to confuse these signals.
Scat: Training an army of animals to use flush toilets will be prohibitively time consuming for all but the most dedicated animal-army-having enthusiasts. So for most of us, this becomes more a problem of residuals management, with the industry standard approach being, “don’t stay in one place for very long.” I’d also add that it’s probably a good idea to wash your hands before doing basically anything.
Final Thoughts:
The road ahead of you is full of challenges and odors, and you’ll require dedication and persistence to make it to the end. Print this off, keep it in your wallet and refer to it every time you find yourself having doubts.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 18th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Animals, Army. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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July 15th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
lol
June 29th, 2009 at 6:27 am
hj;ljiljkiu8op
June 29th, 2009 at 6:17 am
ok im not one of thoes crazy peaple but can u give mor in fon about the animals their self i no a lot about animals but u no u sound so awsome u dont no hw cool u luk im m y eyes man u awsome
December 10th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
This was just hilarious and most likely true if you had enough resources.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
“If you’re like most Cracked readers, you have a deep and fierce loathing of everyone around you, and constantly simmer in a stew of sweat and rage at your inability to shape the world to your will.”
Finally, someone speaks directly to me.
November 25th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
My high school football team was the Stevens High Cardinals. Fearsome beasts. No wonder we only won 1 game ever.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:59 am
Awesome. I’m taking over Canada with my liger-turtle-whale-condor army.
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:52 am
Bucholz, this is where the flaw lies in your plan. You claim that birds are rock stupid, but do some research. Ravens have been shown to be almost par with human intelligence, solving logic puzzles and using past experiences to plan for the future. They’ve even been known to craft and use tools for use in various food gathering aspects.
Crows are almost as intelligent and they travel in flocks. Or for a better purpose, the flocks are known as “murders”.
If you think your paltry army of tigers would hold up long against my flying murder of crows armed with their superintelligence (and why not? Metal tipped beaks) then you are sorely mistaken.
November 20th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Oh Bucholz, do your really believe that I, of all people, am not aware of how to raise an animal army? Pshaw! I have successfully reared two animal armies in the past.
The first was an armada of rather large snapping turtles. The idea was sound: durable shell, angry biting action, amphibious, efficacious means of transport. I had hoped that disbelief would offset the speed difference between my army on land, and the doomed hordes of the tiny European village outside my castle. It worked well enough, but then I felt something more personal was called for. I sold the first army to Disney.
The second army was of a hybrid giraffe-shark creation of my own. They were the land/sea division, and the aerial badger-pigeons formed my air force. The artillery division was a race of moose with spastic colons and tiny anuses. Needless to say, they were a devastating force, and the only reason you’ve never heard of it is due to the cover-up on the behalf of Canada’s top secret super spies. (They’re so top secret you’ve likely never heard of them!)
I am currently working on designing giant insects to sell to the highest bidder. Super-villains: call me for more details!
November 20th, 2008 at 8:03 am
I’m sorry, but this as bad news written all over it. I am not going to train wild animals, i’ll stick to the domesticated. Nothing is scarier than a fierce gerbal! Just ask Richard Gere.
November 20th, 2008 at 7:06 am
http://fightingdantasy.blogspot.com/2008/10/35-daggers-of-darkness.html
November 20th, 2008 at 7:06 am
Daggers of Darkness? http://fightingdantasy.blogspot.com/2008/10/35-daggers-of-darkness.html
November 20th, 2008 at 4:17 am
I am disappointed there was no mention of turning one’s own body into a bee-hive/ant-hill/scorpion’s nest of absolute terror.
November 20th, 2008 at 3:15 am
“Everyone who says that I am not, will get fucked up by a hippopotamus” Lmfao. Priceless
November 20th, 2008 at 12:04 am
Man. I want to thrust into you indiscriminately, Bucholz.
November 19th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
I want an army of animals, but I’m not interested in world domination or impressing women. I just want them to do my bidding (I mostly use my powers for good).
So, what then? Should I keep it small? I’ve already got 2 cats, so maybe add just a ferret and a couple of birds? Probably a monkey, too. Ooh, and a pony. I’ve always wanted a pony.
What kind of animal army could get rid of the spam posts in the comments?
November 19th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Britney tells all about her meltdown in new documentary - check out a clip here:
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ea30fa0b8b59c7b7be36&page=2&viewtype=&category=mr
November 19th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
very funny read. i wouldnt wanna be fucked by a hippo……0_0
November 19th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Funny.
Side note, sloths are a poor choice. My first big squadron was sloths, and I’m still trying to recover from the experience.
November 19th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Wow, that was just an awesome article. I do agree that the crowdsurfing on hamsters is a great idea. But I imagine there’s some people that might take that to a disturbing twist.
Marmots. I think marmots should be a standard staple to any world domination animal army.
November 19th, 2008 at 8:33 am
Haha loved this.
Crowd surfing on hamsters is something i hope is possible in the near future.
November 19th, 2008 at 8:33 am
I am a AV actress,I need more fans to support me,and need your help.
If you are a japanese AV enthusiast and want to be my fans ,go to my web site,I will give your surprising
http:www.japanesegirl.tv
November 19th, 2008 at 8:32 am
I am a AV actress,I need more fans to support me,and need your help.
If you are a japanese AV enthusiast and want to be my fans ,go to my web site,I will give your surprising
November 19th, 2008 at 5:55 am
I’m printing the card so I can show it to people at work.
November 19th, 2008 at 5:29 am
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-460499/Gamekeeper-flees-life-angry-hippo.html
November 19th, 2008 at 1:03 am
Don’t knock birds as minions. Sure, cute songbirds are dumb as rocks, but raptors (the bird sort, of course, though who wouldn’t want a dinosaur army if one somehow became available) and parrots have vicious beaks and are actually smart as hell. Oh, and they love the sound of human screams and the sight of blood. You barely have to train them. A good sized macaw can break bones. And holy fuck are they loud. Your enemies may be too irritated by the time you arrive to hope to stand up to your biting, clawing, obscenity-shrieking army.
And I’m too classy to mention the humiliation of having your head shat upon.
November 19th, 2008 at 12:26 am
Holy Shit petegraf, that is an amazing idea. Why havent the military picked up on this idea. Bullet Proof Polar Bears fuled by PCP? Shit thats fucking insane.
That and mount flame throwers and machine guns on Theo Jansen’s kinetic sculptures.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2KkGFuRLew&feature=related
November 18th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
all you need are polar bears
November 18th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Would a huge army of pandas work as well? I mean, pandas suck.
November 18th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
I thought the “commuting in style” picture pretty much covered the “Impressing Women” bit too…
I mean, what womans petals wouldn’t get dewy getting picked up for a date like that? Am I right ladies or what?
I’m so lonely…
November 18th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
” I’d also add that it’s probably a good idea to wash your hands before doing basically anything.”
Including washing your hands.
And you’re not supposed to hit them with the carrot?! Sheesh, no wonder that never worked for me. My animals never wanted to eat the stick either.
November 18th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Australia’s newest political party - The Sex Party! Seriously… launches this week…
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=7340334755089f89bdfe&page=3&viewtype=&category=mr
November 18th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Yeah about those superhamsterly strong hamsters? What you want is the hercules shrew, tiny animal that a 240 pound biologist accidentaly discovered could survive and support the full weight of a 240 pound biologist. So, 8 of those, 4 per foot, would do fine.
November 18th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
I am putting that motivational card on my myspace right now (omg i know im so hip and with-it). fucking hippopotami. yes.
November 18th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
I Think an army of cows, with really powerful bells would be awesome! I could take over pastures around the globe!
November 18th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
I’d like to point out that attempting to train 30 cats would be a bad idea whether you pick them all up at the same time or otherwise.
I always enjoy your articles but don’t comment much because, well, I’m pretty lazy… But since I’m already typing I thought I’d let you know.
It’s lines like “try one of the larger rodents, like a porcupine or prairie dog” that get me. Keep it up
November 18th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
HAHAHA WTF ABOUT THE F***ING HIPPO
November 18th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
This reminds me of an idea I had. Get a bunch of bears, put them in “bear attack suits” to make them bulletproof; even from high powered rifles. Then give them a bunch of PCP and AK-47’s. They aren’t really highly trained, but they would be fun.
November 18th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Wow, Chris. It just so happens I am a scion of a powerful meat product family, but the army of jaguars just hadn’t occurred to me. I shall raise a jaguar army and destroy the vegetarian community! Those assholes have been fucking with my shit for too long! Come, my army of fellow carnivores, to the local co-op! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!
November 18th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
This was great. The best was the “Tips on Procurement” part.
November 18th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Please, hippos are ungrateful in bed. Everyone knows that.
November 18th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
I don’t need animals; I’m harcore. Teach me to swim so that I may subjugate other countries. Damn English Channel.
Otherwise, though, damn, that was hilarious.
November 18th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Brilliant. Printing and laminating now.
November 18th, 2008 at 11:31 am
wow, thanks *lisa*!!! Are you into hippo fucking though?
November 18th, 2008 at 11:06 am
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November 18th, 2008 at 10:34 am
This is all true (for the most part). I found a game (Ultima Online) and it was boring. So I looked for a way to have fun and stumbled upon animal taming. I exploited a bug in the game and created an army of grizzly bears. I became the most powerful guy in the game and I was one of the lowest level peons.
That was great fun. Then, the GMs kicked me out. Babies.
November 18th, 2008 at 8:59 am
second!
November 18th, 2008 at 8:57 am
Let’s avoid a hippo fucking conversation shall we?
November 18th, 2008 at 8:42 am
What if you were to train an endangered species? It would be really useful, as people wouldn’t shoot them since they’re endangered.
November 18th, 2008 at 8:22 am
“Everyone Who Says That I Am Not,
Will Be Fucked By a Hippopotamus.”
LMAO, another great article as always.