So the Emmys were a couple days ago, not that you’d know about it from reading this blog. I’m blameless in the matter, as I am about all things. You see I don’t write on Sundays, so couldn’t cover the show for yesterday’s blog entry. And Gladstone, who has no problem writing on the day of rest, evidently overlooked it. “I hate things that are popular,” Gladstone confirms. “And God,” he adds.
Every other website in the world however has written about the Emmys, and their collective conclusion was something like, “holy goat balls, that sucked.” Apparently the biggest culprit were the hosts, who due to what was no doubt a hilarious mix up, had no actual experience speaking in public, telling jokes, or entertaining people. How on earth Howie Mandel keeps ending up on a stage with a mandate to entertain America is beyond me, but I’ll wager those fuckers at the Make A Wish foundation are involved somehow.
Critiquing the hosts of awards shows has grown fashionable in this blog and forum age. Generally I have no problem being crassly populist, but this time I’m going to go a different way. Instead of making jokes about god damned Jeff Probst, I’m instead going to make an attempt to foster a sense of co-operation between the Film & Television entertainment industry and the often-pantsless Internet entertainment industry.
How to Host An Awards Show
The Monologue
Although the vast majority of your material will be pre written, being an award shot host will still require you to have a charming personality and well-honed sense of humor. If at all possible, avoid being Margaret Cho (this should be easy for most of you.) Ideally, you should be Ted Danson. Hell, ideally we should all be Ted Danson.
Re: Politics. Yes yes, we get it, “Impeach Obama,” whatever. And yes we know there’s an election going on. It’s hard not to. You see the reason we watch your movies and television and music videos is to escape from all that. You think we’re watching Two and a Half Men for it’s gritty realism? Also, saying “Obama” in front of a Hollywood audience is about the cheapest applause you can get outside of asking a bunch of Cincinnati concertgoers their opinions on Cincinnati’s ability to rock.
You might want to drop those Brokeback Mountain jokes you were planning on breaking out - they’re getting a little long in the tooth. In fact, any kind of material that’s centered around suggesting someone might be gay is starting to look a little dated. If you absolutely must make jokes at the expense of a minority group, may I suggest pregnant women? Isn’t it about time we drive pregnancy back into the closet?
Is Jack Nicholson attending your show? Jack Nicholson is considered Hollywood royalty, so everyone will enjoy it when you say his name and point at him. But under no circumstances should you look Jack Nicholson in the eyes. The last time this happened was during the 2004 Academy Awards, when after being looked in the eyes by host Billy Crystal, Jack went berserk, stormed the stage and repeatedly punched Crystal in the balls. To his credit, Crystal didn’t flinch, or even appear discomforted, although this would later raise even more awkward questions.
The Awards
Acceptance speeches are the bane of the awards show host, but until we start firing awards at the winners with a large slingshot, we’re going to have to live with them. Here’s a quick tip for speeding them up. Early on in the show, remind everyone to please keep their acceptance speeches brief. Then to show that you’re serious, fire a couple rounds into the orchestra pit. You’ll need a gun for that last part - one of the grips will usually have one. Bonus: aside from keeping the speeches short, this will help remind children watching at home that the orchestra is for losers.
The award presenters are mainly going to be A-list actors like yourself, and as such are your primary competition when it comes to landing roles/banging starlets/etc… For that reason, take advantage of your elevated role as host to undermine their confidence. Before they go out on stage, jab them in the chest with your finger and whisper “You’d better not fuck this up.” Then when they return from the stage, veer deliberately in their direction and smash your shoulder into theirs before muttering “I can’t believe how badly you fucked that up. Good luck on the next season of “The Surreal Life” Tobey.”
The Filler
Like moles on all but the priciest of call-girls, every big awards show is going to be marred with at least some singing and dancing. Why? Evidently audiences would be upset with an awards show that was “only” 2 hours long. As the host you probably won’t be involved in all of these events, but a great way to put your “stamp” on the show will be by doing little skits in the background. During one number, release some livestock onto the stage, and then chase the animals around a bit while the dancers are still going through their routine (those guys are such pros.) During another, arrange for a case of dildos to be spilled out on stage mid-performance, and then scurry around trying to pick them all up, stuffing them into your jacket and pants as fast as you can, until you look like some sort of nightmarish porcupine. As they say in the business, this is a sure way to get people “talking.”
The kids today love that Internet, so you’ll want to incorporate that in some way. I’d suggest that when introducing one of the filler sequences, you promise an elaborate song and dance number set to a medley of television theme songs. You then turn around and flee as the theme song to Magnum PI swells up from the orchestra pit, while a platform descends from the ceiling, carrying a man (Tom Selleck if we can get him) stretching his anus into an enormous gaping cavern.
Edit: This is 10 times funnier if you actually listen to this while you read that.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Emmys. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 5th, 2008 at 1:12 am
I’m Ted Danson Too, and i will have to agree, it’s not that great.
September 29th, 2008 at 2:22 am
So in French Magnum is written in lower case?
Why?
Not the lower case thing–I’m past that–why French?
September 27th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
the man speaks the truth, exept for me atleast, I would be pluging into a VHT/Mesa/Bogner/ENGL
which ever I can get my hands on first.
September 25th, 2008 at 7:19 am
I definitely think plugging into a Marshall on stage is a much better idea than running your yap at the podium about shit you’re not really gonna do.
September 24th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
“Secretary of Shutting Your Fucking Mouth”… I want that job.
Well done Bucholz, yet another great blog. Also, thank you for NOT doing yet ANOTHER blog about the god-damn election!
Oh, and I’d probably join “I Judge You When You Use Poor Grammar” if I was on facebook. Sounds like a lot of fun.
September 24th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
…….why?
September 24th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
I TOO MISS THE HEROES RECAPS!!
September 24th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Hey Bucholz, where’s the Heroes blog, that was the only worthwhile work you’ve ever done on this site, and the episode was actually decent the other night…
September 24th, 2008 at 10:10 am
NOT METAL ENOUGH???!!!???!!!??!!
How’s this for Heavy Metal http://www.army-technology.com/projects/abrams/abrams2.html
September 24th, 2008 at 2:45 am
Glenmonkey and Kingdoor,
Put your names in whichever order you like, you’ve still got my vote. Are you running for President of the Universe? I sure hope so.
I Judge You When You Use Poor Grammar is my favourite Facebook group because it’s so true, I judge the shit out of it. However, even a Grammar Nazi such as myself usually misses the mistakes Cracked bloggers make because I’m just so damn excited to be reading a new blog. Actually, it’s the only time I ever don’t notice grammatically mistakes straight away. What are you people doing to me??
September 24th, 2008 at 2:30 am
And I’m Ralph Nader.
I am not a crook!
Wny won’t you let me speak? It is because you fear what I have to say! And the two major tickets are too busy having sex with each other to truly serve the needs of the cracked reader. Some one needs to hold them accountable!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rvuF7p2uwE&e
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:49 pm
I think I am going to throw myself into the world of politics (and drag someone else in with me, I need a VP). The other choice simply is not metal enough.
I however respect the Glendoor42/Kingmonkey ticket and wish them the best of luck.
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:55 pm
I loved the heroes recaps! I miss those!
Also, Swaim would totally be the host of the cracked.com awards. He writes the most articles and heads up Those Aren’t Muskets!. He’s definitely the ring leader. DOB would be busy harassing all the celebrities and especially the producer (Jak and Jackster himself - nailed it). That’s be good for a few “man in the audience” filler skits (they’d occasionally interrupt the broadcast as DOB really wouldn’t be paying attention to anything outside of what he’s doing). Bucholz would work security because no one would mess with him (this would probably result in several casualties, but a completely secure show). Gladstone would present most if not all the awards (and would be completely jealous of Swaim getting the spotlight and would try to undermine him). And Ross? Well, he’d be busy and decline the invitation (and by busy, I mean killing … and by killing I mean he’s the zodiac killer).
September 23rd, 2008 at 6:13 pm
I didn’t think anyone enjoyed those Heroes recaps. I’m totally serious. All last year people are coming up to me going “You suck!” and I’m all like “Fuck you mom!”
So thanks for the support glendoor, but I think I’ll pass. Also, the fact that I’ve written close to several thousand words on the subject of Heroes over the last year is one of those things that’s just going to eat away at me forever. I don’t want to make it worse.
Also to the grammar babies: all fixed now. Thanks! I try to proofread and often fail. So it goes.
September 23rd, 2008 at 5:37 pm
ah, bucholz. In the world on Cracked bloggers, Swaim in McCain, DOB is Obama, Gladstone is Biden, and you are Sarah Palin. Your unqualified and no one is quite sure why your here, but thats ok because we want to have sex with you.
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:58 pm
And it could be worse; there’s always the Souzaphone.
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Danson’s had shows since “Cheers?” I was not aware.
Onodera, failure amongst tuba players is quite common. Do not despair; I’m sure something good will come of it someday. Like they had to hire someone to play the tuba in the background for that Burger King commercial with everyone crowding the streets for Whoppers a couple of years back; though that isn’t likely to happen again you could kill him, assume his identity and collect his residuals.
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Ted Danson is a god amongst mortal men. (Read: He probably has a huge cock and a harem of preteen hookers.)
September 23rd, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I thought my joke about the tuba was pretty clear. I guess I failed once again.
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Bah, if he’s not John Becker or Sam Malone he’s not goddamn worth it.
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:46 pm
But seriously, were the Emmys SO desperate for ratings that they had to have 5 hosts??? Or is the combined comedic talent of all 5 equal to one actual funny comedian?
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:43 pm
IDEA! Cracked.com Awards.
Gladstone and O’Brien host with Swaim, Bucholz, and Wolinksy as award giver outters.
Best. Idea. Ever.
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Ted Danson as desperate? You sir, are out of line. He just wrapped his season of Damages, (for which he was nominated), just signed a deal with HBO for a pilot, and the motherfucker is STILL collecting residuals from six seasons of Becker and however many seasons of Cheers.
Desperate. You know nothing of Ted Danson.
(I really like Ted Danson. I don’t know why.)
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I read it with the Magnum PI in the background. Distractingly funny. I love Bucholz’s instruction manuals. Learning is fun!
And Panzer-Stier Ross: the USA so totally needs a Secretary of Shutting your Fucking Mouth.
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:51 pm
oh god, reading that last paragraph with the music. horrifying.
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:09 pm
The worst thing is Ted Danson probably isn’t far off being that desperate right now.
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Ted Danson should break out the blackface and white gloves again for a tribute to Obama. You know, come out and do a little soft shoe or maybe the pigeon-wing while the orchestra does a medley of vaudeville music. Whoopie could be out there too standing next to the screen montage of Obama appearances to relax everyone who might deem it racist. That should be worth at least a smattering of uncomfortable applause, no?
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Especially the final paragraph.
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:02 pm
I didn’t watch it but I did see Heidi Klum getting dropped on her arse and I liked that. So. More people being dropped on their arses, please. And articles like this. Lots more articles like this.
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:02 pm
They should start having punishments for long, pathetic, overly emotional speeches.
Imagine: “I’d like to thank God, my family, my wonderful first grade teacher Mrs Morrison, who always taught me……..(30 minutes later) and I’ll always remember that. I’ll also remember OH PLEASE NO NOT THE TIGERS!!”
A glendoor/kingmonkey ticket sounds like the way to go, if he wasn’t ineligble. If we’re throwing out foreignness and ineligbly to run I could offer myself a place in your staff as Secretary of Shutting Your Fucking Mouth.
Any insolent and/or probing questions shall be dealt with in a manner that includes me, an alibi, a dark alleyway and a sock full of pennies.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:27 pm
What the — J-list? Talk to Swaim about that…
Also, those awards ought to be padded for protection once we start firing them during the ceremonies — I’m thinking lances. Mount a spike on one end, and use a ballista to deliver it over the heads of the audience and into the celebrity in question.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Pretty funny Bucholz. Just one question, are you going to go back to synopsising the Heroes episodes? Man I loved those.
kingmonkey, what are we running for? Loved your blog btw.
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:54 am
Hi, my name is Peter Payne with a company called J-List. I’ve emailed you guys multiple times through your contact form about advertising on your site, but have gotten no reply. I would like someone to contact me at this email address since I’d like to sponsor your fine website. Thanks ^_^;;
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:10 am
Abbie, I’ve joined a group in Facebook called I Judge You When You Use Poor Grammar. You seem to be just the kind of person that we’d welcome with open arms.
Esmoreit, you just outed yourself. All the cool kids are playing tuba these days. I play an electric tuba. Plus, with Activision’s Tuba Hero 2 coming out soon, I’m surprised you haven’t been swept up in the tide– the tuba tide.
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:04 am
@Onodera
Your not doing a good job making yourself cool when you know a right from a wrong tuba set-up.
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:56 am
I also noticed the picture of the tuba has the piping all messed up…
Great article, I just wanted to be apart of the “cool” corrector group.
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:25 am
dildos
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:00 am
I both chuckled and flinched when I read this. I have a small (actually, a really fucking big) issue with grammar. Apostrophe s doesn’t mean plural, and “too” was wrong. I had to say something…but good article.
September 23rd, 2008 at 8:58 am
That tip about the orchestra and keeping the speeches short is definitely a keeper.
September 23rd, 2008 at 8:54 am
Bucholz is my favorite blogger. Only because I fear him.
September 23rd, 2008 at 8:36 am
I’m Ted Danson, and trust me, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.