Rarely does a Cracked blogger get to break a news story that’s guaranteed to excite and enthrall the readership. Today, I have been blessed with the opportunity to drop the knowledge bomb that is destined to leave your synapses flame-scoured and quivering, and your brain-villages nothing but smoldering piles of memories of rubble.
Activision, the visionary game studio that unleashed the rock with Guitar Hero III, have announced that the next installment of the game will have…wait for it…more instruments!
It’s the kind of genius development idea so clearly brilliant, you wonder how it hasn’t been thought of before. But I guess it took the big, juicy brains at Activision to make that dream a reality.
While they’re still nailing down which instruments to implement—may I suggest recorder, tambourine and harmonica?—the smart money is that they’ll end up using the four cardinal rock instruments: guitar, bass, drums, and vocals. Groundbreaking.
I mean, think about it! Anyone who’s ever picked up a bass knows it’s identical to guitar in every way, so the hardware’s already there! Throw in a mic and drum set, and you’re ready to form some sort of Rock Band!
But the brain train don’t stop there (toot toot!); they’ve already got their future developments sewn up as well. Stop tying up the phone lines at the patent office, people, Activision has already purchased the rights to the titles “Guitar Villain” and “Drum Villain.”
What’s more, early Internet buzz describes Drum Villain as a game so evil, every sinister strike of the high-hat embezzles money from a third world aid organization, and each malevolent thud of the kick-drum rapes a nun. G-damn, am I into that.
I’ve got to say, I am stoked about the fresh, fresh, fresh gameplay being offered here, and especially Activision’s promise to include a lot more “local bands” in the line-up.
Why the hell would I want to play a Radiohead or AC/DC song when I can rock out to The Hip Thrusters’ latest garage-recorded powerhouse “Light this shit up?” Why, I ask?!
I wouldn’t is the answer. I would not.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m hard at work on a rhythm game I hope to sell to Activision as soon as I’ve worked out the bugs. It’s called Boogie Boogie Uprising, and it’s so fresh you’d think it was the Prince of Bel Air.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael drowns in a thick layer of his own sarcasm as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Thursday, April 24th, 2008 at 4:00 pm and is filed under Guitar Hero, Music, Rock Band, Video Games. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
How I Spent My Summer Vacation, By Michael Swaim (Age 24)
The Funniest Comedic Failure in the History of YouTube
Hollywood Gives Up: Keanu Reeves to Play Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde
The 5 Most Likely Ways Humans Will Become Obsolete
The U.S.S. Enterprise (Is Getting P.U.S.S.Y. Tonight) (feat. MC’s Prime Directive and Galaxy Class)
20 Reasons the Metal Gear Solid games suck.
To Answer Your Question In Advance, Ladies: Yes, I Will Sleep With You
The 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming
Don’t Be Like Jessica Simpson: A Lesson For Young Girls Everywhere
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
March 4th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Great, thank for sharing your post, I learned alot from it.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
brandon
Anybody who has yet to comprehend the differences of video games and real life is not going to understand the differences of guitar hero (VG) and guitar (RL).
I fully understand where you are coming from. those people irritate me just as much as they do you, and for the same reason. It’s still a fun game
Admittedly, the intro to crazy train on GH4 was very damn close to the real thing.
kalma
You’re right. A bass is nothing like a guitar. There are two whole strings missing! There are differences* between the fretboards, the structure, hardware, and playing styles. You are so right!
*no there aren’t
Sarcasm. I know the differences; they’re just so small. Also, nobody loves bassists in metal or rock bands. But everyone loves a ska bassists, so yeah.
But on GH: constructing a larger guitar controller just for the bass would be ridiculous.
October 9th, 2008 at 5:48 am
another thing….I AM NOT BASHING THE GAME! I happen to like this game. anddddddd people who bash the game either A: Cannot even beat the EASIEST song on EASY in PRACTICE MODE on the slowest setting…or B: Just have nothing better to do except bitch about something stupid..
And to those who say guitar hero is just for people who cant play guitar, so what…just because you can play doesnt mean everyone else can…for some its a gift, for others it takes practice, again point is they have found a way for people to play music and have fun with out spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on equipment….total in the last 8 years i have spent arond 13,000 bucks in : Guitars, cables, picks, strings, amps, speakers, tuners, pedals and the like…so it can get expensive, i Know TRUST me people……but yes its not the same so if you think it is your fucking retarded…get over it, its my opinion as a musician deal with it assholes!!!
October 9th, 2008 at 5:38 am
Dude anyone who thinks that just because they can beat dragon force on expert at 100 percent means they are the shit…think again…try playing that same song on real guitar, and MAYBE, just maybe your are cool….i been playing guitar almost 8 years and i still cant play much of that song….so fuck anyone who says that if you can play guitar hero you can play guitar….VERY different.. you got 6 DIFFERENT strings to strum, not just a little bar, and about 20-24 DIFFERENT frets to play on, so lets just say about 120-144 different notes to fuck with instead of 5 colored buttons that are in the same area….so stop being stupid and think you can play guitar just because you “rule” at guitar hero, the only reason i played this game soo much was because my amp was 700 miles away in storage for 9 months and it kept my fingers and arms in shape…i guess….but point is…if your going to play guitar hero….why not learn real guitar….you will DEFINITLY get more respect that way…for sheez…outtie!
June 19th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
i have no problems with the article, excpet for that one part about a bass being a guitar.
and on that part i have this to say, fuck you.
June 17th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
heheheheheheheheheheheeheheheheheheheheheheheehehhhehueheheheheheheehhehehehehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
June 17th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
do you think anyone will read my comment if so kill micheal swaim so me and DOB can rule the world not me im michael swaim with a mullet
June 1st, 2008 at 5:11 pm
I agree with JoDo. I think I liked the comments section more than the article that spawned it.
May 4th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Bravo, the comments were half the fun
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:05 pm
@kingmonkey
No i wasn’t.
April 29th, 2008 at 8:57 am
@kingmonkey
I was being sarcastic.
April 29th, 2008 at 2:02 am
Yes.
April 28th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Okay, fine then. I’m no longer playing Ghost Recon or Rainbow Six. Instead I shall sneak about at night, shooting my neighbours. Is that what you want?
April 28th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Haha, I love how so many people say “stop playing Guitar Hero, learn real guitar.” Okee-dokee then, stop playing FPS’s, go out and learn to fire a real gun… or how about, as someone already said, stop playing Madden, go out and join the real NFL. It’s a game, I know that, everyone with a properly functioning brain knows that. Whoever said it was equal to playing real guitar? LOL.
April 27th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
（If You Are Easily Offended…..Then do not CLICK THERE!）
Recently, quite a few celebrities and pro athletes were said to appear on the ~~TAllhub.com~~ to hook up with hot girs and models. OMG!!! Are these famous guys fond of internet dating for now?? Maybe they feel boring sometimes to need new things?
April 27th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Hmmm… grammar lesson on penes/ penises. Just what I needed…
Kingmonkey +1 - when I was juggling multiple lovers and was constantly bragging about their respective penes/ penises; I never knew how wrong I was. Thanks to you, I will never make that mistake again - grammatical mistake that is…
April 26th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Penis has two plural forms. Penes, pronounced pee-nees, is the original plural form, like axis becomes axes. Penises is the modern variant and is also acceptable.
The possessive form of the plural of penis would therefore be either penises’ or penes’.
April 26th, 2008 at 5:47 am
I’m an Australian Blue Mountaineer, we speak a fairly strange dialect, sort of an amalgamation of Californian drawl learnt from American sitcoms, smashing old-fashioned English slang-words nobody uses anymore and various kinds of grunts.
By the way, I think I meant to say ‘Penis’s’ as in belonging to Glendoors penis, instead of ‘penises’ as in the plural of penis. But that raises a fairly interesting question. How do you describe something that belongs to multiple penises? Penises’s? If I were to describe Glendoors penis as belonging to Kingmonkey and Simons penis, would I describes that which belonged to Glendoors penis as it’s penises’ses?
Oh fuck, I’m confused…
April 25th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
God damn it Tilly, shut the fuck up with your bullshit already. Quit turning everything into an argument.
April 25th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Games like guitar hero are an asset to society. Look at it this way, more and more kids will pick up a remote control and learn the premise of a video game than they will when they get a real instrument. While there may be a few hendrix-esque musicans that never learn an instrument, there will be far more Jack White like musicans that will stay in their parents basements getting stoned. Late night shows will than start hosting descent musicans, opening bands would become scarce and possibly talented, walking into a music store will no longer consist of hearing every twelve year olds version of beast and the harlot, and we may even see the end of emo bands.
Also, for those of us whom have spent time learning how to play an instrument: these games (at least from the original tracks on the games) will finally be able to play the perfect version of some of your favorite songs. Its not the exact same thing but at least its a way to feel like a great.
April 25th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Well, as far as the idea goes, it’s not very original at all. (der)
But for the peripherals, the rock band guitar controller (for the ps3 version, i hear you can just use the guitar hero controller for the 360) sucks, it doesn’t do the “click” that the guitar hero controler does for the ps3, usually making it near impossible to do any decent solo’s in rock band, i want the damn click. butchering song ruins my imaginary rockstar pride.
And the wii is fun, downloading the old games like dkc bring back sopme good times for me, and the new games that come out now are just fun for everyone.
And people who put “u” in favorite just aren’t american.
AND when my penis starts stamping around like he’s the boss, i just knock him around for a few seconds til he collapses out of exhaustion.
I think that’s everything i wanted to cover.
April 25th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
He does have a Utah-an accent when he writes, doesn’t he? Either that or Welsh. It’s the way he types the word ‘pointless’ that makes me think that.
April 25th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Question Andy Pants. Do you live in Salt Lake City?
April 25th, 2008 at 8:26 am
Badadum Psh
April 25th, 2008 at 7:34 am
I’m double entendre-larious
April 25th, 2008 at 7:33 am
Have you read Glendoors penises memoirs? (The penis monologues) I wouldn’t blame you if you hadn’t, it’s mostly just pointless dribble. He’s lived a very sheltered existence, you’d think that he’s never even seen the light of day. I don’t blame him for not going outside much though, his neighbours a real asshole and all his friends are nuts.
April 25th, 2008 at 7:32 am
I must say, Swaimarino, that I do kind of like the inclusion of lesser known bands in the line-up of songs. These days, a lot of independant bands are better than much of what we hear on the radio (or as the French say, la radio).
Plus it’s hard to play the AC/DC songs. I tried to crawl along the floor on my back like Angus Whatsisface but the cord was very restrictive.
April 25th, 2008 at 7:29 am
Simon, Simon’s penis, I hod no intention of pointing out grammatical errors today, but since you mentioned it…
“… it was ME at whom he was coming, bitch!”
On the other hand, I’ve just put in my pre-order for Clavichord Hero! Here I come, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!
April 25th, 2008 at 12:32 am
Well Swaim I don’t know, have you read it’s attempts at being funny?
April 24th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
I’ve always thought radiohead were greatly over-rated.
April 24th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Glendoor, your penis isn’t nearly as big a dick as you promised me.
April 24th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Her legs have been turning into sour milk lately, Thank you Assgoblin. I’ll mention that, and go without sex for the next 6 weeks.
April 24th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
You need to take control of your cock glendoor42, and show it who’s boss. Dont be afraid of it.
April 24th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
My head hurts for some reason, almost like i got hit with a guitar
April 24th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Before kingmonkey once again flames my penis for it’s grammatical misdeeds, I should say that it has been taught better than to end a sentance with a preposition. That should have read, “…it was ME he was coming at, bitch.”
April 24th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
@JT: Why wouldn’t you get Wii fit for your wife? You want that woman to stay in shape as long as possible because now that you’re married she’s the only piece of “you know what” you’re ever going to get for the rest of your life. And trust me, everything has an expiration date, that’s why you don’t leave the milk out, you put it in the fridge. Let the Wii be your fridge. Speaking of which, get a second TV set so you can play grown up games on a real console while the milk is in the fridge staying fresh.
April 24th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
I would post about how I liked this article Swaim but I’m afraid my penis would start commenting again and as we all know he’s a real big dick.
April 24th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Truth be known, JT, it was ME he was coming at. Sunburst, indeed.
April 24th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
I’m still waiting for the squares at Activision to get their shit together and come out with Harpsichord Hero (or at least Keytar Hero) so I can get in on the action!
April 24th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
@simon. Booooo, I want my money back
April 24th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Real guitars are for old people. I used my mint ‘64 tobacco sunburst strat to bash in the head of a heckler. He was coming at me, right, people? Right?
April 24th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
The Cowboys can play video games in prison? Don’t they just get let out for football season, then get locked up again.
April 24th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
that one guy: how do you know we aren’t all maybe the Dallas Cowboys? Maybe YOU should join the NFL, like we have.
April 24th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
I play Guitar Hero and I freakin’ love it.
I don’t play a real guitar because I can’t be bothered learning and to be perfectly honest I’d probably prefer to learn a different instrument anyway. I just like fun video games.
On another note I’m going to go against everyone else and say that the Wii is my least favourite console… but I really think it just comes down to personal preference and which games you like to play.
April 24th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Hmm you have left me much to think about That one guy.
Now I am off to train for the NFL. Right after this beer and plate of nachos.
April 24th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
For anyone who says “dont play guitar hero, play a real guitar instead”;
a) i play both
b) dont play madden. Join the real NFL.
April 24th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
I found the Wii quite suitable for all target audiences. Some games cater to both styles (Like Mario Galaxy, Kart, Zack and Wiki, perhaps smash bros?)
There are a lot of games that appeal more to the blue ocean strategy so grandma can play like Wii fit, wii sports, Mario/sonic olympics, WarioWare, Rayman raving rabbids…
And even if you liek to enjoy a larger story or a more immersive game, try you’re hand at No More heroes, Twilight princess, Metroid Prime 3, Resident Evil 4, Okami etc…
As for the GH4 thing… I really doubt this’ll make the consumers jump for joy… : I already have rockband, I need more peripherals that look exactly the same!
April 24th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
I would definitely play Guitar Villain. I assume that it is just like Guitar Hero except that you are required to wear a Snidely Whiplash mustache.
April 24th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
I’m poor
I’ve never played guitar hero. About the Wii, well the controller shakes and it’s easy to insert into any bodily orifice, so even if you don’t enjoy the console per se, you might still enjoy it. It’s a win win situation.
April 24th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
She isnt into gaming very much and just wanted to get the Wii for the Wii Fit thing they offer. I was hoping it wouldnt be tourture to get it, but it sounds pretty neato..
April 24th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
@JT Your wife would probably enjoy a Wii more. More pretty colors and games that even a 4 year old could beat in a day. Unless she’s a serious gamer…in that case, put on the big boy pants.
PS3.
I do enjoy some Wii games immensely though, don’t get me wrong.
April 24th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I also recommend the Wii. Super Mario Galaxy and Mario Kart are awesome. Depends on what you’re after though - but if you’re not one to sit down and play games for hours and hours on end then the Wii is perfect.
Just my two pennies worth…
April 24th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Thank you sir. I will now take your review to her and we will buy a Wii.
April 24th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
How am I supposed to stick the landing if I don’t have someone to catch me when I fall? I have abandonment issues…
April 24th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
If you want a real guitar/video game experience, you should play Um Lammer Jammy. ROCK ON!
April 24th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
@JT. Very high indeed. Well above the other two competitors, and at half the price. If anyone else wants to chime in, feel free.
@DISAPPOINTMENT: Well, maybe next time you’ll stick the goddamned landing.
April 24th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
I miss you, Dad.
April 24th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Dear Michael Swaim ~
My wife is thinking about getting a Wii. Do you rate it very high as a video game platform?
April 24th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I play both, and they’re profoundly different experiences. Guitar Hero is a waste of time, yes, but no more than any other video game per se. It just feels more pathetic because it’s something attainable. I mean, you play Mario Brothers, but you COULD be out collecting gold coins and killing turtles…and don’t even get me started on Grand Theft Auto.
April 24th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
I have never understood why so many people spend so much time playing guitar hero. Why not use that time to learn how to play a real guitar. That will score you more pussy then saying “Hey baby lets plug in my Xbox360 and I show you my mad skills on the guitar”
April 24th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
I have never played guitar hero, but I have my own guitar. It’s slightly broken as I had a fight with Robb, but it’s still better than fake guitar.