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Dear God, They Want to Take Away our Pornography (A Manifesto)

When they came for our free music, I said nothing, because I used Bittorrent.

When they came for our free TV shows, I said nothing, because I have a DVR.

When they came for our free movies, I said nothing, because, again, Bittorrent.

But now they come for our pornography, and no longer can I remain silent!

No longer can I stay my typing fingers while the rights bestowed upon us by our very broadband connections are whittled away, parceled and sold off before our very weeping eyes, flaccid penises, and parched vaginas!

I have paid for pornography, friends. I have paid and paid: my time, my sense of self-respect, my meaningful human relationships. But to pay money?! Such a thing cannot, nay SHALL not come to pass!

Today, I say, we band together! We, the anonymous minority, the faceless throng, must march together, hand in sweaty, sticky hand, towards those who would thwart our will!

Vivid Video, you who nursed us from tender young goslings into full-grown Internet perverts, wings proudly fapping in the sun, we beg you: end this madness!

Jameson!

Tai!

Devon!

Carrera!

Thai! (I have an Asian thing)

These ample fruits are not to be hoarded, but spread with joy to all comers!

Besides, we all have Limewire, so stop spending time filing lawsuits when you could be finishing Post-pro on Where the Boys Aren't 27.

NERDY AUTHOR'S NOTE: The preceding manifesto contained four sex puns, two of which are probably more subtle than they should have been, and one of which is so condescendingly obscure that he should be beaten for including it. He apologizes, but could not resist.

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Michael Swaim

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