If you watched CNN’s coverage of the election last Tuesday, you probably noticed something remarkable and unprecedented. No, not the election of an African American to the Presidency. No, not Anderson Cooper somehow becoming more handsome with each passing month. I’m talking about holograms.
Well, fake imitations of holograms.
The debut of CNN’s holograms is the latest development in an ongoing effort to make the news as much like a sci-fi action blockbuster as possible. First you had electric guitar riffs playing in and out of segments about devastating food shortages in Darfur, then you had swooping, 3-D text informing us that oil prices are up half a nickel per barrel worldwide, and now, fake, glowing iterations of Jessica Yellin provide us with insightful reportage on how CNN made a fake glowing iteration of Jessica Yellin appear on your TV.
And in case you didn’t catch the hint that CNN was just frivolously flexing their massive special effects nuts, they put Will.i.am in there later, as if to say “look, we made a hologram for no reason. None whatsoever. Let’s interview Boy George as a hologram. Why not? Fuck it. We’re CNN.” It was at that point Will.i.am pulled a blaster pistol under the table and Wolf was forced to shoot him. I’m telling you, these holograms were pretty raw.
In fact, as detailed in this article, the technology used to bring us this incisive political coverage has been in development for nearly a decade, and cost thousands upon thousands of dollars. Way to go guys. I feel a lot more informed about the world around me. Good use of funds there.
You know, Lucas kind of nailed this effect in the late 70’s, so I’m not sure what all the fuss is about. Unless it’s about the fact that this hologram technology is actually so superior to the “Star Wars effect” that, if they’d wanted, they could have made Jessica Yellin look so crisp and sharp that it would have seemed like she was actually there in the studio, an effect so spectacular, it could only have been accomplished with a red eye flight to CNN headquarters or a camera aimed at a decent in-studio monitor.
Of course, the holograms gave the added benefit of Wolf Blitzer not having to actually interact with Will.i.am, but rather pretending to interact with a tennis ball on a stick, thereby salvaging his journalistic integrity.
How good were these imitations of holograms? So good, it turns out CNN had to “rough up” the holograms so that people at home wouldn’t just think that they were real images of people. CNN’s not about to shell out thousands of dollars for holograms that look like real images; they want blue glow and semi-transparent scan lines or you can just fuck right the fuck off. How else are they going to compete with Fox News’ new “All Fireworks News Hour?”
But amidst all the furor of CNN’s triumphant fake hologram technology and other news-related stuff that (I imagine) happened on the evening of November 4, an important point seems to have slipped past the collective consciousness. That point is this:
If a news network, whose only job is to inform us of facts, is willing to dedicate this kind of time and money to something as useless, frivolous, and childish as making a fake version of an imagined futuristic technology…WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE OTHER FAKE IMAGINED FUTURISTIC TECHNOLOGIES?
We may not be able to create a reliable hovercar on any large scale, but we could certainly rig up a nation-wide pulley and winch system!
And what of teleporters? We’ve got identical twins; let’s give their lives some meaning beyond being the main attractions in nature’s bizarre sideshow. Set one up on a pad in Berlin, the other on a pad in Chicago, spray some sparks, add a trapdoor, and viola! Teleportation. Hell, in a few years we’ll have reliable human cloning and then we can all have our own fake teleportation devices.
Tricorder? A beeping box and doctor willing to make shit up.
Time travel? Some period costumes and a puff of smoke.
Laser pistols? Really strong flashlights.
We have the technology, and the efforts of CNN show that reputable, upstanding groups in society clearly have the desire. If all the world’s a stage, let’s start acting like it for God’s sake. We may just frighten off an alien invasion or two. Of course, there’d be no way of knowing if the alien invasion were genuine, or just a by-product of CNN’s Iraq War coverage.
When not writing for Cracked, Michael shimmers and rotates as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
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November 22nd, 2008 at 8:45 pm
By “Yellin” he means a cream-cheese bagel.
November 14th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Am I the only one wanting to put some of my Gel in Yellin????
November 14th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
……yeah.
November 14th, 2008 at 11:40 am
HE SO SEXXI THO
November 14th, 2008 at 11:27 am
By that Tya means make love to a buttered bagel.
November 14th, 2008 at 11:26 am
WOW VERY AWESOME TO KNOW
WELL DATS ALL KNOW I WILL GO HAVE SEX
November 13th, 2008 at 10:47 am
It was great, they’d stand in front of it, moving their hands infront of what you assume was a bluescreen, whilest having the pendulum on screen move back and forth.
It’s not as great as the giant computer-rendered house that newscasters pretended to move around in to demonstrate falling real-estate markets.
Goddamn, I love the news.
November 13th, 2008 at 7:53 am
They had a giant pendulum? hahaha
November 13th, 2008 at 6:33 am
I didn’t think Election coverage technology could get any more embarrassing than the giant pendulum that newscasters pretended to push back and forth to indicate swing states.
November 13th, 2008 at 12:27 am
Wtf. I had a man-crush on Swaim first!.. Oh, wait. That was Bucholz and his glorious canadianess.
Still, awesome sauce.
November 13th, 2008 at 12:09 am
I want my fake holo p0rn.
November 13th, 2008 at 12:07 am
When I’m in desparate need of a smile, I turn to Michael Swaim, for I am never disappointed.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
You know you’re a huge internet celebrity when somebody named chickenface has a man-crush on you.
CNN scares me. You guys have proper news shows as well right? Like “the 5 o’clock news” on free to air channels. Please say yes.
I liked “Why not? Fuck it. We’re CNN.” cause holograms are so pointless on television and we all know it.
November 12th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Blue glow, feh. All they have to do is paste an H on her forehead.
November 12th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Also, I want to say again I really like the old comments setup a lot better. I miss be able to wave my penis around. ( Read Mr. Wong’s column yesterday about trolls.)
November 12th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
This was a lot funnier when I read it yesterday.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
This has nothing to do with the article (hell, I haven’t even read it yet) but in the Albany Evening Journal in the 1830s, some guy named Swaim published this ad daily about his medicine, with a note to the public: “In consequence of the numerous frauds and impositions practised in reference to my medicine, I am again induced to change the form of my Bottles…this medicine, you have the solemn promise, contains no mercury or any other deletrious drug.”
What was the point of me saying that, you might ask? Because I have never met anyone with the name Swaim in my life, and therefore felt compelled to post it on the one place I’ve ever even heard of anyone with the name Swaim.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
I know it’s not even the best joke in the piece, but goddammit, “fuck right the fuck off” made me laugh.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
the news is so shiny nowadays. magpies rejoice!
November 11th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
The Fox “All Fireworks News Hour” picture is GREAT.
November 11th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Bah, fake hologramatics is a dead-end science. Fake bionics is where it’s at!
November 11th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
CNN - putting the N in NEWS since before you fuckers were born.
November 11th, 2008 at 11:57 am
i was gonna say the same thing 12 pack
November 11th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Will.i.am did NOT shoot first.
November 11th, 2008 at 11:41 am
The Avengers (Steed and Mrs Peel, not the superheroes) did fake time travel waaaay back in the sixties. It sucked.
This however was very funny. Hooray!
November 11th, 2008 at 10:42 am
“fuck right the fuck off” is probably the best line of text I’ve read in some time. Thank you Swaim, for that.
November 11th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Oh Michael Swaim. My man-crush for you grows ever stronger.
November 11th, 2008 at 8:25 am
Great article. Definitely lol’d at the Iraq War Coverage joke.