“Listen, son, you’re in a heap of trouble here,” the detective stubbed out his cigarette on the heel of his shoe, and settled in across from me.
“We’ve got you on charges of trespassing, vandalism, burglary, kidnapping, attempted bestiality, and grand theft tiger. We had to make that last one up just for you, kid. You know how rare it is to have to make up a crime for one person? I have literally never even heard of that. That’s how much trouble you’re in; you’ve created entirely new crimes of which you are incredibly guilty,” he let that last part settle in for a few minutes.
“I don’t even know where to start,” I began, picking what I hoped was fur from between my teeth.
“Well, let me tell you what we have down, and you can tell me if any of it sounds familiar. You entered the zoo at 10:30 on the morning of March 24, 2009…”
***
The smell of cotton candy and popcorn mixes with that of hay, manure, and the four Sparks you downed in the parking lot. The large woman in front of you is wearing leopard print stretch-pants that have long since abandoned the category of “pants” and ventured into the realm of “ass shrink-wrap.” The elastic quivers, as if longing to be released. You barely suppress the urge to snap the waistband, which would surely set off a tsunami of fat that would kill all those surrounding yo-
“Excuse me,” the beast turns on you, “are you…are you fucking talking about me? You’re like, the biggest asshole in the entire world! I weigh 125 pounds, dickhead, and I’m standing right in front of you! I can hear you!”
Were you saying all that out loud?
“Did the spandex-monster pick up your thoughts somehow? You try to decipher her words, but all that comes out is the sound of incessant chewing and the slap of fat on fat as her lips impact each other,” are you still speaking aloud? The mix of caffeine, alcohol, and cough syrup blends the lines of your internal consciousness.
“You fucking ass!” She screams, “My boyfriend is going to kill you.”
As she storms off toward what appears to be a particularly large, hairy Eskimo, you realize that you are ill-prepared to fight, but still nowhere near the front of the line.
If you stay and fight the WereEskimo, turn to page 2.
If you jump the line and bolt for the zoo, turn to page 3.
PAGE 2
Hey, you’re the one that chose to fight him.
You turn to the approaching man-mountain with fists raised, your body humming with the burst of manic energy and the complete lack of coordination that the alcohol/codeine-psychosis has inspired in you. You decide to throw him off guard by doing something completely unexpected. Maybe you can make him think you’re crazy.
You charge at him, screaming, but at the last moment duck beneath his swinging fist. Your flying kick hits the zoo’s mascot, Honey the Bee, square in the crotch. As he crouches in pain, uncharacteristically swearing and gagging into his headpiece, you know your course of action was a total success; nobody would have ever expected that. You idly wonder what exactly you were trying to achieve when attacking a stuffed bee was an imperative, but you have long since forgotten. As the hulking arms fold around your neck, your second to last thought is “oh yeah, the Eskimo.” Your last thought, before the blackness comes, is unfortunately “I can never remember who did song that goes like ‘it’s the POWER of love, do doo doooo,’ man that has always bothe…re…d…”
THE END
PAGE 3
Bears and explosions: Everything a zoo should be.
You leap the hurdle blocking the entrance to the park and, to the startled cries of onlookers, you jump the barrier to the Sun-Bear exhibit and duck through the maintenance door. A surprised young Native American man in a beige jumpsuit quickly tucks something behind his back.
“It’s cool, man,” you assure him, “I’m cool.” You make a Fonzie double-thumbs up gesture, because that is cool.
“The fuck you doin’ here, man?” He’s still hiding something behind his back, and you subtly try to maneuver yourself around him to get a better view. He seems perturbed by your incessant circling.
“Hiding from a giant Eskimo and an immense pile of a woman,” you reply.
Behind his back you make out the telltale signs of an illicit substance: a brown paper bag wrapped about a non-descript bottle.
“Whatcha got there?” You inquire.
“This? This is uh…” he eyeballs you suspiciously for a minute, but a few more mimed Fonzie gestures seem to set him at ease, “man, you’re already fucked up! Haha! Okay, this is a little mix I made up for the days I gotta clean the bear cages.”
If you want to get messed up with a strange Indian in the back room of the Sun-Bear enclosure, turn to page 4.
If you want to get really messed up with a strange Indian in the back room of the Sun-Bear enclosure, turn to page 5.
PAGE 4
You and Alex the Indian take turns hitting the bottle and sharing long-winded anecdotes about how bosses suck. As the hours pass, you find yourself bonding with this mysterious and fascinating man. He tells you that he likes to “get online and look at titties,” and you agree wholeheartedly. You give him your email address, and later you become fast friends. Throughout the years this friendship allows to assuage your white guilt by telling everybody that your “best friend is a Native American.” Your heart will later be broken when you learn he is actually Puerto Rican.
THE END
PAGE 5
Hittin’ it Sun-Bear style.
“Can I hit that?” You ask, though you have already wrestled the bottle from his hand and have been drinking deeply for several minutes.
“Shit! No! Not so much!” He jumps at you, but you deftly avoid him by falling over sideways, “You drank the whole fucking thing? This is peyote tea, man. You are fucked. You’re so fucked…”
“I can handle my shit,” you inform him, flopping on the ground like an epileptic fish, “I’m a shit-handler!”
“Fuck. Whatever. Listen, I guess you can hide out here for a while, but if anybody finds you, I don’t know you. Alright? I gotta get back to work…” He closes the door softly after him, and that is the last sound you hear before the darkness overwhelms you.
You awake to a complete absence of light and stumble about the room, trying to recall where you are. There are colors in the blackness. But they are soft and slippery. They distract you for several minutes. Why do your color-friends avoid you?
Eventually, you find the door and stagger out into the park. It is night-time; the zoo is closed and long since empty. But there are animals here still, and you instinctively feel that you “understand” them now. You are part of the animal world, after all, and all animals are one, aren’t they? Yes, you decide. Yes they are. And this is fucking adventure time.
If you try to eat a penguin, turn to page 6.
If you set out for the big cats enclosure, to tell them you’ve always envied their crazy eyes, turn to page 7.
PAGE 6
It was delicious, but you feel like a monster. The guilt pursues you until the end of your days.
THE END
PAGE 7
All life is one. A sadly more literal statement for the hawk-faced bobcat.
“They’re sideways and bendy,” you explain to the sleepy tiger, “so that means you can see wider, right? Hey! Lookit me when I talk to you!” The tiger is uninterested in your shouting, but the night-time security seems very keen. You see the flashlights sweeping the area behind you.
“I think it came from over here,” a voice says, and that is all you need to make a panicked decision. You are awesome at panicked decisions, you think to yourself, as you leap over the guard-rails. There is a soft thud as you impact the earth below. Suddenly, the tiger is all ears.
“Don’t be a dick,” you tell the tiger, and decide to try to use your newfound communion with nature to make contact with him.
You extend your consciousness into the earth, and along the ground. You feel the birds in the sky, cartwheeling above you. You feel the insects in the ground, burrowing steadily beneath you. You feel the fish in the aquarium, pretty much just swimming around like a bunch of retards. But finally you find him: the great cat. You expand yourself into the tiger’s mind, and feel its scattered thoughts. You have become one entity, and a message passes between you - subconscious and primal: “Seriously, don’t be a dick,” you communicate to the mighty beast. And surprisingly, it obeys.
If you decide to free your tiger friend and teach it how to dance, turn to page 8.
If you decide to free your tiger friend and charge about the zoo grounds like a madman, turn to page 9.
PAGE 8
It is awkward at first, but your patience pays off. As the full light of the moon dances on the flamingo pond, and the blood of a dozen flamingo dries upon his lips, you dance a lovely and subtly graceful waltz with the king of the jungle. Wait, that’s a lion. What is a tiger? The president? Prime minister of the jungle? Regardless, it is a beautiful moment full of sentiment and reverence, and though it will never be spoken aloud, you know you two really shared something. But it is time to move on now, and you have a long road ahead of you.
Turn to page 9.
PAGE 9.
Captain of The USS Fuckin’ Tiger!
“MAN THE STARBOARD MAST…AXEL!” You scream to your imaginary crew.
The fictional waves crash down on you with tremendous strength, nearly pretend-washing you away from the wheel.
“WHO’S THE GODDAMN CAPTAIN OF THIS TIGER BOAT?” You demand, swinging the wheel wildly and laughing.
“Jesus fucking Christ, he’s riding a tiger!” Cries the night security man as he dives aside a fraction of a second before you and the tiger come charging by.
“Call the cops! Call the cops!” Yells another voice, this one intriguingly feminine.
“HALT! AND AVAST YE WENCH! I LAY SEIGE TO YOUR BOSOM!” You lean down and grab the small, female Asian caretaker by the waist, holding her tight as your tiger ship lumbers off into the night. There is a confused din behind you as the remaining staff scurry about in panic and fear, trying to figure out what just happened.
“This shit right here just happened,” you tell the woman, pounding your chest. She responds with a terrified look of bewilderment. You try to feel her presence with your mind–or at least her boobs–but your concentration is interrupted when your tiger steed suddenly throws you to the ground, mounts a nearby tree and, in a single bound, leaps over the fence.
This is you now: Tigerless, alone, and beset by vagina-demons for some reason.
“I thought we fucking shared something!” You scream, as he disappears into the distance.
“Tigers always break your heart,” You explain to the terrified woman cowering before you, “but I never will.”
“Please, what do you want from me? Just let me go!” She cowers against the gift shop wall, the plastic dinosaurs on display in the windows really bring out her reptilian eyes. Oh, she has reptile eyes now. That’s new.
“Baby, come on! You can’t tell me we didn’t share a moment back there, when I plucked you from the earth and rode away with you on a rampaging predator!” You plead with her, while setting the gift shop banners aflame with your lighter.
“Let me set up a little ambiance, darlin’, maybe we can talk about this by firelight.”
“You’re going to burn down the zoo!” She says, scrabbling away from you.
“I am the incarnation of Ra!” You reply, unsure of who that is, exactly, but it sounds good so you yell it a dozen more times.
The approaching sirens interrupt your chant, and you realize the woman is now fleeing into the night, crying.
If you strip to the waist and do a war dance to prepare for the coming onslaught, turn to page 10.
If you lay down and cry a little because the drugs just turned on you and you realize you’ll always be alone, turn to page 11.
PAGE 10
It always starts innocently enough–nothin’ but eagles and sweet ponchos–and then somebody has to start up a war dance…
You feel the fury enter your body as you jerk to a music that only you can hear. The growing flames singe your bare skin as you wheel madly by the fire, but you are an avatar of war now, and fire is your ally. Faster and faster you spin–the rage in you building to a honed point with which you will strike out at your enemies with the heavenly spear of might. Aaaand now you’re getting pretty dizzy. Nausea rises up, and you vomit onto the ground, all the while spinning. As your dance circles you back around to your vomit, you slip in your own sick and tumble into the dirt.
Turn to page 11.
PAGE 11
Nobody understands you, and they never will. You haven’t called your mom in months, and you are a shitty friend. You don’t deserve love. What are you even doing with your life? You think about ending it all, but you know you’re too much of a coward for that. So you wait; you’ll take whatever consequences come about. You deserve them.
When the police arrive, they meet up with the baffled and terrified night-time staff. Slowly they put the pieces together, and when they finally find you in a pool of your own hurl–soaked in penguin blood, covered in tiger wounds, the gift shop in flames behind you–it is almost a relief. You sleep fitfully in the squad car on the way to the station. You wake up with an inappropriate erection and a headache that would kill a god.
***
“And that’s how it happened,” I explain to the detective. He sits in stunned silence, his mouth slightly agape. His cigarette has burned down to the filter; he hasn’t taken a single drag the entire time I’ve been talking. The smell of burnt cotton flits about in the processed air of the interrogation room for a minute, and then is whisked away by the fans. I can hear muffled shouting.
“Am I…am I in trouble?” I ask politely.
This entry was posted on Thursday, April 2nd, 2009 at 3:33 am and is filed under insanity. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
November 21st, 2009 at 2:17 pm
[...] 1:25 – Loose fat! – After 51 seconds of watching a guy wearing jeans and a red shirt warm up for a long day of juggling, we cut to a shot of a rather chubby fellow, also wearing jeans (the same pair…?) but no shirt, and a bulletin warning us about some fat that has escaped and is looking to score some triglycerides on the street. I figure that similar bulletins reading “Loose tiger!“ are displayed on large screens at zoos when the tiger cage is unexpectedly opened by someone who desperately wants to ride a tiger. [...]
October 27th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
grand theft tiger! LOL
October 21st, 2009 at 2:42 pm
i ended with eating a penguin. i wish it was longer.
sigh.
October 14th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Brockway, you are an absolute wordsmith genius
October 8th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Honestly the funniest thing I’ve ever read on the internet… keep these choose your own adventures coming!! I’d pay for this shit
August 30th, 2009 at 11:17 am
[...] Cracked Magazine remixes the Choose Your Own Adventure series in ways both profane and hilarious. It’s enough to make you wish Fuck This Zoo really had been published. Seriously, who wouldn’t read that? Full articleFeedback [...]
August 29th, 2009 at 1:47 am
Shrink wrappers…
Great Tip…
May 26th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
[...] Choose your own adventure (on drugs) [...]
May 22nd, 2009 at 7:47 am
go and tell the world my story, tell them about my brother, tell them about me, the count of tuscany
May 18th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
This is by far one of my favorite things on Cracked. I keep coming back to it over and over again, mostly to shout in my mind “WHO’S THE GODDAMN CAPTAIN OF THIS TIGER BOAT?”
Also, for the vagina-demons.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
I was taking a break from a drafting project in the lab and read this, disturbing the entire lab with a loud bark of laughter. This was fantastic
May 5th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
“WHO’S THE GODDAMN CAPTAIN OF THIS TIGER BOAT?”
and
“HALT! AND AVAST YE WENCH! I LAY SEIGE TO YOUR BOSOM!”
are the two phrases I’ve been stuck on for the past month and also, coincidentally, the same two phrases that my roommate wishes she had never heard.
This is my favorite. Thank you. =)
May 2nd, 2009 at 3:59 am
Hey, if you spags liked that you’ll love this
http://www.principiadiscordia.com/Adventure/index.php?title=Main_Page.
Choose your own missadventure!
April 30th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
This is seriously the best thing ever. It’s in my top 5 best Cracked articles of all time. Hands down.
April 29th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Awesome!
April 25th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
i loved it. great job!
April 24th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
it was amazing
April 24th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Hey I used to read those….holy shit now I begin to understand!!!
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:46 pm
I lol’d at eating the penguin
April 23rd, 2009 at 11:53 am
Ahhaa, hittin’ it sun bear style.
April 17th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
That was pure awesomeness! I laughed so hard when he was captaining the Tiger Boat haha.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:37 am
Seriously… don’t be a dick.
I laughed at that one.
April 9th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
I love this so much… This was so hilarious. I can’t believe the tiger left me-you, I mean! You… ‘Cause I’d NEVER do something like that.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
OMFG that is one of the funniest things I jave ever read MORE MORE MORE!!!!! I DEMAND IT!!!!
April 9th, 2009 at 11:46 am
I shamefully admit to having the book that contained the picture on the bottom of page 9.
April 8th, 2009 at 9:49 am
OMFG TITS THIS ARTICALE IS SRS
April 8th, 2009 at 9:27 am
hahahahah grand theft tiger
April 7th, 2009 at 11:31 am
holy shit…haha….holy shit
April 7th, 2009 at 9:02 am
Pretty good! I welcome addition to a great team!
April 7th, 2009 at 12:16 am
[QUOTE]Cracked channels Hunter S. Thompson.[/QUOTE]
No, Robert Brockway did; Cracked just showed it to the ‘Net-surfing masses.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
I am truly and deeply sorry. I can no longer read any other works because this one piece has sapped all the happiness out of my soul. I laughed harder than ever before. Please, for the love of God, do more of these. This is easily the funniest thing I have read on this site. I beg of you. MORE!
April 6th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Holy shit! More please! This should be a series…
April 6th, 2009 at 11:36 am
I salute you, Sir, for writing what is probably the best thing ever.
April 6th, 2009 at 9:27 am
this is one of the best things i’ve ever read
April 6th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Oh captain my captain
April 6th, 2009 at 3:26 am
Wow…just, wow.
I know somebody else typed those same words much earlier, but that truly was my exact thought immediately after reading this.
Give the man a raise or a new adjective to describe his work(Brocktastic?).
Now I’ll go back to scratching my head & trying to figure out Kingmonkey”s comment.
April 6th, 2009 at 3:14 am
Brilliant stuff!
April 5th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
i love brockway’s drug articles!
April 5th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Excellent.
April 5th, 2009 at 12:48 am
Damn, I hope there’s more of these to come. I’ll be sure to do some drugs before reading them
April 5th, 2009 at 12:41 am
Well I’ll be damned, that was fucking hilarious.
April 5th, 2009 at 12:20 am
[...] Shit [04/05]Choose Your Own Adventure (On Drugs) [via Cracked] [04/05]Rent some watch/ice at Steal the Time [04/05]100 Best Blogs for Those Who Want [...]
April 4th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
[...] Drugs probably would have helped when I read the originals. [...]
April 4th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
SO! FUCKING! FUNNY!
I demand a sequel or more choose your own adventure shit. You sir, are a GAWD.
April 4th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Cracked channels Hunter S. Thompson. Seriously, that was fucking cool. =)
April 4th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
oh, bravo Word-Puncher, bravo
April 4th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!
April 4th, 2009 at 3:11 am
Bravo! Best short story ever!
I wanna eat a penguin now….mmmm penguin…..
April 3rd, 2009 at 9:16 pm
Awesomtastic
April 3rd, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Big fuck-off shiny gold star. Congratulations, you have a new stalker. I’ll be living in your bin within the week.
April 3rd, 2009 at 6:56 pm
That was possibly the funniest thing I’ve read since February. I fucking ROFL’d like 7 times.
April 3rd, 2009 at 3:04 pm
This was awesome, and I’m so glad everyone else seems to think so too. Even DoctorChaos limited himself to a few lines instead of a long-winded rant, which is probably two-thumbs-up in his books. But then who knows, with sociopaths.
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:28 pm
This was well done. I laughed out loud a few times. It’s like a twisted combination of Hunter Thompson and Roger from American Dad.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Absolutely brilliant!! this was so funny i stand and applaude you!!
/ stands and notices inappropriate erection
“Am I…am I in trouble?” I ask politely
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:36 am
That is AMAZING =)
that may be one of the funniest things that has ever been on cracked.com!
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:12 am
Too funny! This really is cracked.
(On the other hand, when is Doctorchaos going to stop his relentless assault of crap???)
April 3rd, 2009 at 10:52 am
Sounds like my experience with a glass of Cactus Jack (aka peyote). Except I didn’t release a tiger, eat penguins and flamingoes, and burn down a zoo. I did however, run in circles while flapping my arms like a bird while watching exploding devil cats with human heads instead of tails bounce around the room like ricocheting bullets.
April 3rd, 2009 at 10:00 am
this is one of the best things i’ve ever read on the web !
man…. i’m still laughing!!
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:42 am
[...] Short, online version. [...]
April 3rd, 2009 at 7:58 am
Damn you and your damn word punching Brockway (more like Cockway, am I right) Your article made me have weird dreams of doing drugs and running from the cops. And we all know what it’s like trying to run from someone in a dream. Funny stuff though!
April 3rd, 2009 at 7:22 am
fucking awesome.much better than that shitty statue of liberty choose your own adventure
April 3rd, 2009 at 6:32 am
Wow. It simply blows my mind. You manged to put together one of the strangest shorts I’ve ever read but it was written exceptionally well. You made my week.
I’ll never look at a penguin the same way again.
April 3rd, 2009 at 4:13 am
had to stop reading just to gain my composure at least three times, once to take a shot of green dragon, and twice to sit in awe of the godlike piece of literature before me. i applaud your intoxicatingly comical story, good sir.
April 3rd, 2009 at 4:09 am
Pfft, you can’t tell me what to do with MY army of South American honeybees Thor.
Why don’t you get back to cooking that moonkin over an open fire and quit hassling me?
What? No, no, this is my original legbone, I think yours is over there.
April 3rd, 2009 at 4:01 am
I ATE A PENGUIN! I ATE A PENGUIN! I can’t look at myself in the mirror anymore. I tried to watch March of the Penguins and ended up crying while fapping to Morgan Freeman’s voice, which has never happaned before.
How can I live with the guilt?
How?
*sob*
April 3rd, 2009 at 3:06 am
[...] 99 sexiest ladies of the 80’s Modern games imagined as Original NES classics Choose your own adventure. ON WEED. Top 20 fictional gadgets How not to be a douchebag tourist in NYC It’s about time they made a [...]
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:15 am
I laughed so hard when I saw the first picture.
Why would a tiger wear a helmet? and the sailboat, sailing on a lake of fire.. Stoned, we all may be, but this tickled me in an excellent way. Yes, Robert Brockway, TICKLED.
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:04 am
Brockway, this was amazing. Neither words nor acronyms can adequately express how much I enjoyed it. I also enjoyed the weirdly-positive comments section. Did somebody come in and delete most of the douchey posts, or did you really just rock that shit so hard that the comments turned into a lovefest? It’s beautiful, man.
Sorry, I may be stoned. Great column, guy from the same state as me!
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:50 am
Amazing. Great piece of work! A bit Hunter S. Thompson would have been proud to write…
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Fantastic story, I must agree with the people who say this must be the funniest piece of writing on Cracked.com. Keep on punching those words…
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Brock, this is classic. LMAO!
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:26 pm
AWSOME!
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:25 pm
This was fucking win.
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Hey, I remember that UFO book.
That was pretty fucking weird too for that matter.
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Thank you, Robert Brockway. Great and funny all the way through.
And full of awesome (cf. the penguin).
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Yeah, that song, it also has the lyric “don’t need money don’t need fame / don’t need a credit card to ride this train,” i think it’s by huey lewis or robert palmer or whatever. it’s more like “the pooooooooooower of love.”
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:14 pm
“Don’t be a dick, seriously.”
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:07 pm
That’s how a drug story is supposed to be written.
Fucking Swaim.
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Hurray for Brockway!
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:00 pm
That is undoubtedly the greatest thing I have ever read in the history of anything.
I wept.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Yunno, some of those “Choose Your Own Adventure” Books were almost that fucked up.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Must we start this fight again?
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:16 pm
AHA. That was actually too good for words.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:11 pm
卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐卐
FUCK KIKES
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Steve laughed so hard he threw me out the window
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Indeed.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:00 pm
That was so funny!
I seriously haven’t read an article on here that was this funny in weeks. Thank you for bringing me back to Cracked, sir!
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Holy Moses….Where can I get the series? Is there one for each drug?
LOL That’s the best one I’ve read on here in a while.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:26 pm
This was funny as fuck, I hope you guys make more of these. Takes me way back when,but with an adult theme.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:14 pm
This is incredibly humorous! It also helps to imagine the main character as Jon Stewert.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Gawd that’s hilarious! I will read it again in a month or so when the memory isn’t so fresh, and laugh anew!
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:04 pm
WOW. I’ve never read a choose your own ending book quite like that before.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:58 pm
this rocked! it was hilarious, thanks.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:40 pm
whoever the artist is, i want to meet them.
also they probably have free drugs.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:39 pm
I had my doubts about you but this article was by far the best read on Cracked I’ve seen in a while! Good job Brockway good got damn job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:26 pm
Fuckin Epic….best article ever
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Ok, that is by far the best thing I have read in a long while! Bravo!
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:06 pm
jesus, how long did it take to write this?
hilarious.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:58 pm
What I want to know is.. where the hell was the dinosaur?
Great article, Brockway. You’re definitely an awesome addition to the Cracked team.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Sounds like a typical Saturday night really…
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Absolutely hilarious. Great job.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:43 pm
this is why i don’t condone the recreational use of drugs and narcotics.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Awesome. Abso-fucking-lutely awesome.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:11 pm
this is by far the best article ever.
EVER.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Yeah… if this were a real choose your own adventure every fuckin choice would have killed you.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Had me rolling. Very funny
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:47 pm
This was awesome. Best if read while tripping and while listening to Joe Cotten’s older music.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Haha i love choose your own adventure books…..and drugs…..so this blog was win
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:23 pm
This was so wrong in so many ways but I loved it.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Very original, and funny on top of it, so bonus points.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:04 pm
That was the best thing I’ve read in YEARS. Genius. Pure genius.
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Fucking amazing, great work Brockway!
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:56 pm
that was really nicely done. thank you.
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I wish ALL the cracked writers were my uncles.
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:46 pm
GREAT!!!
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Wow, Brockway…
You’re actually a pretty great narrative writer. I did not see that coming. Sure, your articles are always funny, but I would never have predicted that you could actually write write.
I really wanted to keep reading this.
Also, and it goes without saying; funny as, man.
Good work.
A few more like this, and you may even replace Gladstone as the Cracked writer I most wish was my Uncle.
P.
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Ah, choose your own adventure books. Somehow, they’re all like this.
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:32 pm
This website never lets me down. This was epic.
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Voot Voot Voot! I couldnt find page 6 & 1/2. What gives?
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Holy Mother. I think this is hands-down the best thing I’ve ever read on Cracked.
And for weeks that title’s been saved for Bucholz’s True Life-Story of a Ken Doll, so that’s saying something.
You light up my life, Comrade Brockway. (And no, originally that wasn’t supposed to be a drug reference. If it fits, though…)
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:24 pm
This sounds like most of my college experience, except the city I was in didn’t feature a zoo. I instead had to choose between shouting nonsense at innocents from my apartment balcony or strolling into various other apartments to see if I knew the people living there. Most of the time I didn’t. It was probably due to this that I also chose to go to college for a couple of extra years.
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:03 pm
This is insane, I like Brockway and all but I didn’t like this, how can everyone shit on Swaim and then love this? Swaim is always funnier than this
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:59 pm
I think the biggest story is that Obnoxio is on that tall dating site.
Ctrl F for the phrase “skipped to the end” to understand this comment, but really it’s not worth it.
Sincerely Brockway, cool story bro
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:53 pm
[...] Choose Your Own Adventure (On Drugs) | Cracked.com. [...]
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:18 pm
my penis just acted out every part of “fantasia” in 10 mintues.
that’s how awesome that was.
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Dude, you just made my day awesome.
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Really good. Nicely done.
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:06 pm
What a coincidence! I love drugs AND the zoo!!
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:04 pm
An epic and humourous well told story. Bravo.
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Best thing I have read on crack period, hope you add some more as that took me back to festivals and acid trips
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Now that I have finished- more stories like this please.
April 2nd, 2009 at 1:42 pm
The power of love ? Are you talking about enigma?
April 2nd, 2009 at 1:42 pm
I normally don’t comment often, but this story was awesome
Thanks a lot!
April 2nd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
probably the best comedy article i’ve ever read. thx.
April 2nd, 2009 at 1:21 pm
and beautiful.
April 2nd, 2009 at 1:18 pm
An epic tale of a drug-induced night at the zoo.
Love it.
April 2nd, 2009 at 1:16 pm
That was absolutely bad ass. I remember the books that the pictures came from.
April 2nd, 2009 at 1:11 pm
If you try to eat a penguin, turn to page 6.
ROFLAO!! This was great! More of these please. That rhymed, un-intentionally.
April 2nd, 2009 at 1:10 pm
that was enlightening. thank you.
April 2nd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
“You feel the fury enter your body as you jerk to a music that only you can hear.”
oooooooooomg brockway you rock, best article of the day, man
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:47 pm
You clearly shotgunned some peyote tea before writing this. Kudos.
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
This is my first Cracked post. I have alway’s loved your crazy, methamphetamine fueled articles! I tip my hat to you.
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:32 pm
its pretty pathetic i noticed this, but at the start of the article, the cop is telling him what happened, but at the end, he finishes the story.
still i laughed incredibly hard, one of the best in a while
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:31 pm
[QUOTE]It’s good to see cracked stealing a somethingawful idea and taking it further. It shows initiative.[/QUOTE]
Hey, man! SomethingAwful’s take on CYOA was crap (in fact, their articles aren’t all that funny–except for BobServo’s stuff, but even that’s beginning to fade). What Brockway has done is what SomethingAwful.com should be doing if they didn’t have their heads up their asses.
PS: If your comment wasn’t meant to be sarcastic, please disregard.
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Wow. You should rewrite all of them!
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Best article in a while, had me hanging on till the end
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:13 pm
[...] Choose your own adventure. http://www.cracked.com/blog/choose-your-own-adventure-on-drugs/ [...]
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:09 pm
You had me at eating the penguin.
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:04 pm
LOL!
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:03 pm
I used to read those Choose Your Own Adventure books, if only they could have been as awesome as yours, thanks Brockway
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:59 am
Hawk-faced “bobcat”? That’s a cougar, doodledick.
Anyway, liked this article.
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:54 am
this kind of reminds me of a few years ago when i was in high school and i had to get my wisdom teeth pulled…i was on a bunch of painkillers and was really wacked out, so i decided to watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. that is a really great movie to watch wacked out on painkillers. it was insane…were there elephants in that movie? i remember there being elephants in that movie.
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:47 am
That was hilarious. Thank you.
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:44 am
Extend it and make it into a real book. That’s all the real advice I can give.
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:37 am
Fucking hilarious, please do more of these!
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:32 am
This article just did a 180 on my shitty day. Thank you Mr. Brockway, you’re a welcome addition to the team.
Now, would you punch the words “Gladstone’s Balls”?
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:28 am
Good god, you’re awesome, Brockway. Keep this great stuff coming, please!
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:17 am
Pacey: Cracked is the real world. Everything outside it is a lie.
Brockway: Fuck you. Fuck you for being so funny while I am left a talentless hack.
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:11 am
You’re a good addition to the team brockway. You have your own style in that you do whatever you want.
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:11 am
hahahaha….classic shit!!!
…sad fact though…is that my day to day life is pretty similar to that.
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:09 am
I want to fuck Dr. Chaos in the ass with a steel dildo till his anus shreds open the fucking asshole. Why don’t you start your own comedy website bitch. Quit complaining faggot!
D fo’ lyfe!
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:08 am
It’s good to see cracked stealing a somethingawful idea and taking it further. It shows initiative.
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:06 am
[...] my latest piece of interactive fiction choose-your-own-adventure book, Cracked goes and posts their own. Fortunately, it’s pleasantly filthy and filled with psychedelic [...]
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:02 am
Most excellent!
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:00 am
Why did it have to end? You should make this a series. A kid who has crazy adventures on drugs. Sounds good to me
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:59 am
that, seriously was funny. i read it 5 times in a row–brockway, you deserve a goddamn cookie, sir.
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:39 am
this was just too awesome. I intend to share it with the world. (and i mean the REAL world. you know, the one outside of cracked)
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:37 am
@Doctorchaos “When the fuck is Seanbaby going to add some talent to this relentless assault of crap???”
I don’t know but if it shuts your goddamn ass up it can’t be soon a fucking nuff!!!!
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:35 am
I really enjoyed this article, please make more soon!
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:35 am
Holy fucking shit! That was goddamn hilarious!!!
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:35 am
Genius, pure and simple. I was sorry it ever finished.
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:34 am
That was without a doubt the funniest thing I have read in a long time. When you can work Indians, asians, tiger riding, and a penguin massacre into one story then my friend you have written one hell of a tale.
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:29 am
There should have been another option, where the tiger eats you, and the tiger gets high off eating you, and the story switches perspective to that of the high tiger.
Still, I liked the way I didn’t actually have to choose a path. I would have hated to know I was missing parts of this, all because I chose to fight the Eskimo at the start.
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:27 am
I call this Tuesday…
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:14 am
I prefer mounting calico kittens than tigers.
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:12 am
@DM
They Do if Swaim pays for it.
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:12 am
At last we have the answer to what Dr. Chaos actually thinks is funny! (not that we care really…)
Cracked writers have to start writing articles that use nothing but overused quotes from 15-year-old Simpson’s episodes! Sorry Brockway, but this was far too original, funny and brilliant. Back to the drawing board for you.
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:04 am
fucking win
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:01 am
Fucking great story!
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:57 am
I second Dinkomx’s idea and timrecords i think the tiger ship might have encountered a mutiny…
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:51 am
When the fuck is Seanbaby going to add some talent to this relentless assault of crap???
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:51 am
Total Shit.
My laugh o meter recorded just under 2 micrograms of humour in that entire article, and I can’t be sure but I think that’s mostly from the pictures.
Release the hounds!!
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:50 am
This was, most definately, the best adventure ever chosen.
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:47 am
I’ve thus far avoided the Cracked comments section like a dirty 18th century Welsh whore with tooth decay.
This article demands recognition and something had to be said.
Fucking. Brilliant.
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:45 am
Excellent. Far better than “The Cave of Time.”
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:40 am
You made my laugh fix for the week! What a pleasant break from the news.
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:33 am
“Your flying kick hits the zoo’s mascot, Honey the Bee, square in the crotch”
Really great when someone writes something in a way that makes you imagine it perfectly.
I propose “Choose Your Own Adventure (On Drugs)” becomes a regular section on Cracked. Maybe all the writers can have a go at it once a month.
Truly great idea and very well executed.
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:28 am
What ever happened to the tiger boat? Did the non existent crew steer it to safety, or were they marooned?
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:24 am
I’m glad that Dr. Chaos isn’t around otherwise I’d like Robert Brockway to Brock Lesnar him by punching his skull through his face!
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:23 am
Bow Before My Awesome Glory or be Destroyed
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:11 am
Dude, great stuff. Had me laughing the whole time.
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:08 am
This is the best thing ever created.
Even better than trees and water and robots and spork.
No joke. It made me human again its so good.
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:01 am
:l heeyy l:
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:58 am
popurls.com // popular today…
story has entered the popular today section on popurls.com…
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:56 am
This reminds me of a night last summer.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:52 am
OMG no way dude that is just way too funny!
RT
http://www.anonymity.us.tc
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:51 am
that was fucking funny
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:50 am
Man, you write some of the best stuff on this site.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:46 am
Because I trust your explanation of what happened I am willing to defend you on the “attempted bestiality” charge. At no point did you try to have sex with your tiger ship.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:45 am
Huzzah!! you magnificent bastard
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:40 am
If you think this was awesome, turn to page 14. If you think this was fucking awesome turn to page 15.
Recon, nobody beats Swaim.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:39 am
Booya, my moral has been boosted enough by this story to dickslap strangers again (instead of acquaintances).
Excellent job I love story form badassery. Slightly disappointed that the zoo was not literally fucked, but I suppose it is difficult to ride a tiger and fuck a theme park at the same time.
Why do competent madmen not have their own TV budget? WHY?
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:37 am
Bravo! This was some good shite, Brockway! “If you eat a penguin”, WTF?! LMMFAO.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:35 am
fantastic
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:34 am
Brockway, you made my day.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:34 am
“WHO’S THE GODDAMN CAPTAIN OF THIS TIGER BOAT?”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Damn I’ve been there man.
Well ..Not… uh….Not really all that funny in hindsight, I mean being Captain of a tiger boat, not the article, the article was funny as hell!!!
@kingmonkey, you’re are thinking of Mrs.glendoor42, not big cats.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:30 am
That was the best thing I have read all year.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:21 am
[...] the rest of this amazing adventure at Cracked. Tagged: best book, choose your own adventure, fuck this zoo, on [...]
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:10 am
Man I used to love those books….that was awesome, Captain Wordpuncher
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:09 am
i love choose your own adventure…takes me back to third grade
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:03 am
fucking brilliant.
just brilliant, you just beat DOB and Swaim, new guy, beat them both.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:54 am
Genius….
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:52 am
This was fucking awesome.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:49 am
Brockway, you’re so stupid! A mast axel? On a tiger? Any cat-sailor knows that tigers born after 1963 don’t operate under sails power; they have onboard motors! The only big cats with masts these days are, like, cougars, pumas… North American cats, you know? If you said you were riding a mountain lion, I wouldn’t have doubted you for a second.
You should have quite while you were ahead.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:46 am
I didn’t want this article to end.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:45 am
nice nice keep it up! Any article with tiger riding and penguin munching is good in my book@!
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:44 am
FUND THIS MOVIE
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:43 am
The greatest advendture story of all time.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:41 am
As the captain of this goddamn tiger boat, I expect a new one of these every month.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:39 am
[...] Cracked article up here, where you can play a much more accurate version of Choose Your Own Adventure, you know - one where [...]
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:37 am
OH brockway, you had me at “grand theft tiger”.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:31 am
Man…that was awesome R. Brock, fuckin’ awesome! Lookin’ forward for more.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:27 am
TL;DR
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:27 am
I’m a vegetarian and totally ate the penguin
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:24 am
ha! nice Katt Williams reference.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:21 am
Awesome! brings back a lot of memories!
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:21 am
Wow! Truly epic beyond description!
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:19 am
“Why do my color friends avoid me?” = quintessential shroomy talk
“I am awesome at panicked decisions” = hilarious for some reason.
well done, you inconsiderate bastard.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:12 am
as with every CYOA i just skipped to the end then read backwards…a friend said that on tall dating site ____Tallconnect.com____,which is a dating site for all tall friends and tall singles,especially models and basketball players.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:09 am
Oh man, haven’t we all had nights like that? Great story, Brockway.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:06 am
I still have, and read, the collection of CYOA books I got as a kid. I also just realized that I have never, not once, seen a NEW copy of one of these. Every single one is yellowed and torn with age and wear. I picked up mine from the library sale, as did all my friends….where were the NEW books? WERE there new books? Or is it like the “Ring” video…just appearing on the shelf one day, without an explanation. Are all CYOA books the work of some cosmic force?
I want answers. And I also want a series of these books for adults. You seem like the man to do it. The burden is on you.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:59 am
But i didnt want to kill the penguins, and in the end it said i had… oh well they were mightly delicious
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:58 am
Pretty hilarious. It kind of reminds me of Brad the Game. If it still exists online somewhere, I urge everyone to try out that choose-your-own-adventure. Most of the options end with you in an incestuous relationship with your own sister, but it is funny. I promise.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:53 am
This was hilarious. It made me throw my head back in laughter several times, and this might be due to the fact that choose your own adventure books were one of my guilty indulgences back in the day. Well played.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:33 am
Great story!
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:25 am
i am thoroughly impressed
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:23 am
Epic. Good show.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:22 am
That was pretty damn amazing.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:16 am
Awesome man. I participated in a Choose Your Own Adventure comic book a while back… you would not believe how fucking hard it is to work out the pages in a 30 page book and make each different ending reachable in different ways. Between that and the insane artwork, you know the CYOA guys were into some seriously heavy shit.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:58 am
“you deftly avoid him by falling over sideways”
Genius!
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:51 am
if only the real choose your own adventures were this interesting, well done
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:50 am
Oh, oh the song is “The W.A.N.D. by The Flaming Lips. I just started listening to that album.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:44 am
best thing you’ve ever done on this site, thanks for not sucking this time
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:41 am
This brings me back!
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:39 am
grand theft tiger. LMAO!!!!!!!
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:36 am
Wow… just wow… fucking incredible, had me laughing my ass off. Well done sir!
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:34 am
How come I’m covered in penguin blood in the end? I didn’t even eat the penguin.
It was fun anyway.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:23 am
Brockway, you just fucked my mind. I’d say you raped my mind, but it was completely consensual and I enjoyed it.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:22 am
bloody marvelous!
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:18 am
You’re thinking of Huey Lewis and the News, Brockway…that song was written for the Back to the Future movies.
Christ, I’m lame.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:15 am
As someone who does lots of drugs, Brockway, I have to say that you really nailed the experience of tripping balls and totally losing your mind.
Also, fucking hilarious.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:49 am
LEGENDARY ARTICLE
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:46 am
That story pretty much guaranteed an awesome day for me. I’m out to face the world.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:46 am
as with every CYOA i just skipped to the end then read backwards
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:36 am
Best.Article.Ever!
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:34 am
I’ve been saying it for a while now… Brockway is fucking awesome!
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:03 am
we may be “fag(s)” douche but at least we werent SECOND!!!
Also, this article was fuckin great
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:00 am
Brockaway, this is greater than DOB epic. It would be an honour to give you fellatio.
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:00 am
This is one of the funniest things I’ve read. Finally a choose-you-own that doesn’t suck monkey balls.
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:59 am
*wipes away a single tear* Brilliant. Simply brilliant.
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:59 am
That was funny. Love the vagina demons.
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:54 am
mind….went …….. fucked
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:51 am
Absolutely hilarious, one of my favorites! It was so crazy and awesome! Nice stuff!
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:51 am
Grand Theft Tiger? That’s such a brilliant idea!
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:40 am
!!!!FIRST!!!!
Every1 else who comments is a fag
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:38 am
lol!