7 Important Details Nobody Mentions About Ferguson

On August 9, 2014, an unarmed black youth named Michael Brown was killed by a white police officer named Darren Wilson in Ferguson, Missouri, after some kind of physical altercation between the two. Several eyewitnesses claim that Brown put his hands above his head in surrender and pleaded with Wilson to not shoot him, which Wilson did. This event led to protests in the streets, and things got worse from there. It became a convoluted mess of misinformation, no information, and some actual information, so here is every important truth and lie that you need to know to understand the situation. Due to the sensitive, controversial, and racial nature of this series of events, and how it's being retold by a white man-child on a comedy website, I will be using several farts from butts to explain everything to you. Don't let the metaphors scare you, and feel free to not watch any of the videos of people passing gas...

#7. The Police Never Filed an Incident Report for the Shooting of Michael Brown

After many days of putting off the report's release, the Ferguson police have since admitted to never even filing one. Incident reports are incredibly important (and required), and they should ideally be written within 24 hours of the incident (for hopefully obvious reasons). But they didn't even write one. Isn't that fucking coo-coo bananas, y'all? I guess they either just never got around to it or never got around to wanting to tell the truth about it. Either way, there's that.

Or there that is not, I guess.

So Darren Wilson, allegedly savagely attacked in the line of duty, didn't file an incident report about it, nor did anyone in the department. Don't worry, because that very day the case was handed over to the big guns: the St. Louis Police Department. After a request from the ACLU, the STLPD refused to release a copy of their department's incident report, and spoiler alert, it's because they didn't write one either.

After the first refusal, the ACLU sued the STLPD for the report's release under the state's Sunshine Law. This eventually made the department admit that they never filed a report either, as I spoiled for you earlier. After the ACLU won the case, the St. Louis PD wrote up this baby 10 days after the shooting and released it 12 nights after the shooting.

St. Louis County PD
So, give or take 11 days, within 24 hours of the incident.

The report itself is pretty detailed, but only if you ask an actual baby. Even then, the baby probably wouldn't understand your question. Don't ask babies stuff, I guess, is the lesson I've learned here. The lesson we all should learn from this tragedy called #Ferguson.

This later-than-too-late report is the only one any police filed about the shooting. Above is literally all of the relevant information, and I'm the kind of person who only uses "literally" correctly. There's the officer's name (Wilson), the department (homicide/robbery), the location (Ferguson), the time/date it happened (a while ago), and the date/time it was reported (recently). Unfortunately for whatever the truth might be, an incident report is actually supposed to include a "narrative" section, in which the officer describes what happened in as much detail as possible. Ideally the report would also include eyewitness accounts, if there are any. A detailed incident report written immediately after the incident is important in getting a thorough and accurate account of events. But apparently not much happened between Darren Wilson and Michael Brown, whose information sits alone on the last page of a report nobody cared about or wanted to write.

St. Louis County PD

St. Louis County PD

Michael Brown.

No middle name.


Eyewitnesses say that there was some sort of altercation through the police officer's car window. Maybe Wilson tried to intimidate Brown and grabbed him for sassing him via sassmouth. "Ain't gon' take no sass from you, ya sassmouth," is maybe something he thought, exactly like that. Or maybe Brown reached for Wilson's gun. Maybe he charged toward him. Maybe Wilson will feel guilt for the rest of his life because of a lethal split-second decision made while legitimately fearing for his own life and safety. Maybe the troubled young thug Michael Brown, after getting a dope high from some chron-style weed-laced pot bowls, against all common sense and against everything his mother likely taught him, went fucking crazy and grabbed for a police officer's gun.

But probably not?

We can't know, because as has been discussed probably too many times at this point, nobody wrote it down. However, if you want to read a great example of a thorough and immediate incident report (aka a good one), check out Michael Brown stealing some Swisher Sweets, because that's the kind of relevant and not at all inflammatory stuff that needs extensive note-taking.


Everything we know for sure about the incident comes from the currently two (of eventually three) autopsies. At least six bullets literally pierced Michael's flesh (two into his head). Sorrzees for the graphic language, but we're talking about guns here, so let's not fuck around. They were invented and are almost exclusively used for the purpose of piercing the flesh and organs of living things.

Editor's Note: Get rid of the personal politics, Cody.

Writer's Note: It's not politics; it's the actual fucking thing bullets are for.

Editor's Note: You know what I'm talking about.

Writer's Note: Fuck you.

Editor's Note: You're fired, Cody.

Writer's Note: You're not my dad!

Editor's Note: I didn't say I was.

Writer's Note: I know!

Editor's Note: Good point. Carry on.

#6. A Protester Was Shot in the Head With a Real Bullet (and the Police Took the Bullet [and Now That Bullet Is Missing])


Do you remember that woman who got shot in the head in Ferguson early last week? Probably not. Her name is Mya Aaten-White (spookwrites on Instagram), and she's going to be OK, despite the ... you know, the bullet in her skull. That whole thing.


Aaten-White woke up from surgery more than a week ago, and the doctors and nurses told her that the police came and confiscated the bullet. Assuming they would come back and question her about the shooting, she waited. For days. No one came to take her statement (something that would be useful for, say, an incident report), although the media reports the shooting as a "drive-by." Aaten-White has claimed no such thing, and remembers no such thing, not that the police would know, since it's been exactly two weeks since the incident and they still haven't gotten a statement from her (for those not in the know, a "statement" is something police get from the victim of a crime in order to "solve" it).

Aaten-White's lawyer has contacted authorities in search of the bullet/evidence, and he had this to say:

"I've talked to both the St. Louis County Police Department and Ferguson ... they have no record ... no file number, no report ... They don't have anything."

Right after the incident, another woman filmed herself questioning a police officer about it. She also filmed a different police officer physically stopping the first one from answering.

I don't want it to seem like I'm implying that there's some conspiracy to cover up this girl's shooting. Of course I'm not. I'm just saying it's either that or these cops are just completely terrible at their jobs. Pick one, or please let me know a third option in the comments. Maybe they're just super busy? I don't know. Anyway. Sorry there's no incident report again and watch out for drive-bys, I guess.

#5. The St. Louis Cops Who Shot That Guy With the Knife Last Week Also Kind of Lied About It

You might have heard that recently a mentally ill man stole some Red Bull, pulled out a knife, and shouted "Shoot me!" to two responding St. Louis police officers. So far so true. According to St. Louis Police Chief Sam Dotson, the man raised the knife in an "overhand grip" and walked within 3 or 4 feet of the officers when they opened fire. This far no true, because unfortunately for liars who say things to the public, someone filmed the incident. It's GRAPHIC and shows the death of a human being, so be warned. If you're a hardcore racist, I guess it's graphic for other, more disgusting reasons. Yay.

If you watched that, you'll have noticed that many details from the police chief were accurate. But the differences are pretty significant. The man does not raise or even brandish his knife, and the officers start shooting when he's about 15 feet from them. Or something around that, I'm honestly not great at judging distances. If you're a distance-guessing savant or if you've got a distance-guessing app, feel free to correct my estimation in the comments. I'm always looking for more Internet comments to read.

Editor's Note: You didn't mention the bullet stuff again.

Writer's Note: What bullet stuff?

Editor's Note: Just thought you'd be more specific, like how the officers took at least nine shots. Four flesh-piercing bullets before he hits the ground, three flesh-piercing bullets as his body rolls on the ground toward them, and two flesh-piercing bullets as his body flops back the other way. Then they put handcuffs on the corpse.

Writer's Note: Why would I bother with that information?

Editor's Note: I have no idea, son.

Writer's Note: Well, we're not here to talk about restraint, Tasers, or excessive or unnecessary force.

Editor's Note: We're not here to talk about anything because everyone involved is either writing or reading.

My dad is right. This article is not about police violence or racism or socioeconomic etc. and so forth. That shit is way above my pay grade.

This fart is not.

In a buttshell, this is just another instance of police literally lying to the public about shootings in order to make them seem not only justified, but unavoidable. This is about the fact that ...

#4. In General, the Ferguson and St. Louis Police Have Been -- Pardon My Fuck -- Fucking Liars

Police sources claimed to have 12 eyewitnesses that confirm Darren Wilson's account of events, which we only actually know about because of a woman named Josie who called into The Dana Show: The Conservative Alternative on local St. Louis radio. Josie said that she heard the tale from Darren's girlfriend, who heard it from Darren, who presumably heard it from his own senses and cognition. Or maybe he heard it from his boss, if I want to sound biased. The truth, it turns out, is that Josie was just repeating what she read on a confirmed fake Facebook page.

Anyway, back to the alleged 12 eyewitnesses, those police sources turned out to be not reliable enough to print.

Police sources also claimed that Darren Wilson was beaten nearly unconscious and suffered an orbital blowout fracture. Unfortunately again, the X-ray used as evidence was actually from a 2008 article explaining what orbital blowout fractures are, Michael Brown's autopsies don't show any sign of struggle, and there is video of Wilson immediately following the incident in which he walks around like he didn't just get beat up and kill a kid. (Also CNN confirms)

Ferguson's police chief claimed Wilson shot Brown "more than just a couple [times] but [he doesn't] think it was many more than that." But according to recent alleged audio of the shooting, "not many more than just a couple" actually means "at least 10," four of which come after a deafening and troubling pause.

The St. Louis police have also admitted that Wilson started shooting at Brown as he was running away from him. You may remember hearing that Wilson opened fire because he was afraid of the 6'4", 292-pound young black male charging toward him, but you probably don't remember hearing that it was complete bullshit.

More shit from bulls: Six-year veteran Darren Wilson with reportedly no blemishes on his record was fired three years ago along with 44 other Jennings, MO police officers because the department had a history of racism, violence, and corruption.

When it's been established, at least several times, that the police have lied or misled, why is no one asking them, "Hey, why are you lying about things a police officer shouldn't be lying about?" I'm no knowledge fella, but there's got to be someone who's, like, in charge of doing that? Of noticing when cops are lying and asking them why? Is it ... Obama? Sounds like maybe it could be Obama. Please let me know in the comments, knowledge fellas and fellows.

Anyway. Let's move on to the actual protests ...


The above tweet is one of many journalists' claims that much of the information from police regarding the night violence is not accurate. On the night of August 16, even before police told the press that they only used smoke bombs, reporters tweeted about smelling tear gas, and others tweeted pictures of tear gas canisters. Not to mention tweets from the protesters who experienced it (although yes, I did technically mention them). And if you're not into Twitter, don't worry, the police later admitted that yeah they used some tear gas.

"They fired guns at us first from their backyards!" another police liar might also say (and totally did say). So shouldn't Obama walk up to him and ask him why he definitely lied about it, which we know because there's video evidence?

Speaking of video evidence (are you getting it yet?), here is some delicious video evidence of protesters throwing rocks and objects at police officers on the night of the 16th:

In the video, protesting is in full swing. Protesters (or rioters, depending on which race you ask) hold their hands up and chant "Hands up! Don't shoot!" Community leaders and peacekeepers calm down some of the angrier youths. It's tense, but it's not violent, as Ferguson's Poorly Trained Military turns to leave. The crowd of protesters cheer, so the police fire tear gas and stun grenades and get the fuck out of there. A middle finger would have worked just fine, but maybe they could have not even done that? Like, maybe let's keep even the middle fingers out of this? ... Guys?

AP Photo/Jeff Roberson via Washington Times
Actually, let's keep all fingers out of this please.

So if you want to see some angry youths throwing stuff at cops, make sure to watch the video, but note that it only happens after the police fire tear gas at them. An eagle-eyed viewer might notice that the first tear gas actually comes from the protesters' side and slides toward the cops. An even eagler-eyed viewer will notice that before then, a canister flies from the police side toward the protesters at the very top of the screen at 1:48. Someone kicked it back, probably because he or she didn't feel like getting tear gassed for clapping. "Get on outta here, ya tear gas!" she or he probably shouted, exactly like that.

And another weird fart from a butt that's going around about these riots is ...

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