On August 9, 2014, an unarmed black youth named Michael Brown was killed by a white police officer named Darren Wilson in Ferguson, Missouri, after some kind of physical altercation between the two. Several eyewitnesses claim that Brown put his hands above his head in surrender and pleaded with Wilson to not shoot him, which Wilson did. This event led to protests in the streets, and things got worse from there. It became a convoluted mess of misinformation, no information, and some actual information, so here is every important truth and lie that you need to know to understand the situation. Due to the sensitive, controversial, and racial nature of this series of events, and how it's being retold by a white man-child on a comedy website, I will be using several farts from butts to explain everything to you. Don't let the metaphors scare you, and feel free to not watch any of the videos of people passing gas...
7The Police Never Filed an Incident Report for the Shooting of Michael Brown
After many days of putting off the report's release, the Ferguson police have since admitted to never even filing one. Incident reports are incredibly important (and required), and they should ideally be written within 24 hours of the incident (for hopefully obvious reasons). But they didn't even write one. Isn't that fucking coo-coo bananas, y'all? I guess they either just never got around to it or never got around to wanting to tell the truth about it. Either way, there's that.
Or there that is not, I guess.
So Darren Wilson, allegedly savagely attacked in the line of duty, didn't file an incident report about it, nor did anyone in the department. Don't worry, because that very day the case was handed over to the big guns: the St. Louis Police Department. After a request from the ACLU, the STLPD refused to release a copy of their department's incident report, and spoiler alert, it's because they didn't write one either.
After the first refusal, the ACLU sued the STLPD for the report's release under the state's Sunshine Law. This eventually made the department admit that they never filed a report either, as I spoiled for you earlier. After the ACLU won the case, the St. Louis PD wrote up this baby 10 days after the shooting and released it 12 nights after the shooting.
St. Louis County PD
So, give or take 11 days, within 24 hours of the incident.
The report itself is pretty detailed, but only if you ask an actual baby. Even then, the baby probably wouldn't understand your question. Don't ask babies stuff, I guess, is the lesson I've learned here. The lesson we all should learn from this tragedy called #Ferguson.
This later-than-too-late report is the only one any police filed about the shooting. Above is literally all of the relevant information, and I'm the kind of person who only uses "literally" correctly. There's the officer's name (Wilson), the department (homicide/robbery), the location (Ferguson), the time/date it happened (a while ago), and the date/time it was reported (recently). Unfortunately for whatever the truth might be, an incident report is actually supposed to include a "narrative" section, in which the officer describes what happened in as much detail as possible. Ideally the report would also include eyewitness accounts, if there are any. A detailed incident report written immediately after the incident is important in getting a thorough and accurate account of events. But apparently not much happened between Darren Wilson and Michael Brown, whose information sits alone on the last page of a report nobody cared about or wanted to write.
St. Louis County PD
St. Louis County PD
No middle name.
Eyewitnesses say that there was some sort of altercation through the police officer's car window. Maybe Wilson tried to intimidate Brown and grabbed him for sassing him via sassmouth. "Ain't gon' take no sass from you, ya sassmouth," is maybe something he thought, exactly like that. Or maybe Brown reached for Wilson's gun. Maybe he charged toward him. Maybe Wilson will feel guilt for the rest of his life because of a lethal split-second decision made while legitimately fearing for his own life and safety. Maybe the troubled young thug Michael Brown, after getting a dope high from some chron-style weed-laced pot bowls, against all common sense and against everything his mother likely taught him, went fucking crazy and grabbed for a police officer's gun.
But probably not?
We can't know, because as has been discussed probably too many times at this point, nobody wrote it down. However, if you want to read a great example of a thorough and immediate incident report (aka a good one), check out Michael Brown stealing some Swisher Sweets, because that's the kind of relevant and not at all inflammatory stuff that needs extensive note-taking.
Everything we know for sure about the incident comes from the currently two (of eventually three) autopsies. At least six bullets literally pierced Michael's flesh (two into his head). Sorrzees for the graphic language, but we're talking about guns here, so let's not fuck around. They were invented and are almost exclusively used for the purpose of piercing the flesh and organs of living things.
Editor's Note: Get rid of the personal politics, Cody.
Writer's Note: It's not politics; it's the actual fucking thing bullets are for.
Editor's Note: You know what I'm talking about.
Writer's Note: Fuck you.
Editor's Note: You're fired, Cody.
Writer's Note: You're not my dad!
Editor's Note: I didn't say I was.
Writer's Note: I know!
Editor's Note: Good point. Carry on.
6A Protester Was Shot in the Head With a Real Bullet (and the Police Took the Bullet [and Now That Bullet Is Missing])
Do you remember that woman who got shot in the head in Ferguson early last week? Probably not. Her name is Mya Aaten-White (spookwrites on Instagram), and she's going to be OK, despite the ... you know, the bullet in her skull. That whole thing.
Aaten-White woke up from surgery more than a week ago, and the doctors and nurses told her that the police came and confiscated the bullet. Assuming they would come back and question her about the shooting, she waited. For days. No one came to take her statement (something that would be useful for, say, an incident report), although the media reports the shooting as a "drive-by." Aaten-White has claimed no such thing, and remembers no such thing, not that the police would know, since it's been exactly two weeks since the incident and they still haven't gotten a statement from her (for those not in the know, a "statement" is something police get from the victim of a crime in order to "solve" it).
Aaten-White's lawyer has contacted authorities in search of the bullet/evidence, and he had this to say:
"I've talked to both the St. Louis County Police Department and Ferguson ... they have no record ... no file number, no report ... They don't have anything."
Right after the incident, another woman filmed herself questioning a police officer about it. She also filmed a different police officer physically stopping the first one from answering.
I don't want it to seem like I'm implying that there's some conspiracy to cover up this girl's shooting. Of course I'm not. I'm just saying it's either that or these cops are just completely terrible at their jobs. Pick one, or please let me know a third option in the comments. Maybe they're just super busy? I don't know. Anyway. Sorry there's no incident report again and watch out for drive-bys, I guess.