Sometimes you see a headline so unbelievably hilarious that you have to share it on social media immediately. Unfortunately, with the hectic schedule most of us keep to these days, those shares come with a side order of hoping the article it's attached to is as funny as the headline itself, because who has time to read? It's a bad practice that often ends in you sharing a secretly depressing story that happened to have a funny-sounding hook. With that in mind, keep your eye out for the following headlines, and trust us when we say they should never be shared in conjunction with that laugh-cry emoji you love so much.
6Ramen Is Displacing Tobacco As The Most Popular U.S. Prison Currency
We all know from movies set in prisons that cigarettes are worth their weight in gold inside the joint. But a study found that these days, those cancer sticks have been replaced by ramen noodles as the currency of choice. There's even a recipe book, which you can buy with money, called Prison Ramen.
Good motherf***in' choice for the foreword, motherf***er!
Everyone knows cigarettes are great, so what gives here? Have criminals become more concerned for their health, just like the rest of the population? Or maybe the 10 million cooking shows they watch in the television room inspired them to become a very specific type of chef?
The Sad Truth
You know what you can't eat to survive? Cigarettes. Even people with a two-pack-a-day addiction might consider spending what precious little money they have on food if they're starving. And in more and more prisons, that is precisely the case. Cost-cutting has led to lower-quality food, and less of it, leaving inmates desperate for sustenance. That's especially true of those who spend their limitless free time exercising their way to being in prison shape, which is somewhere right above "Olympic athlete" on the scale of how fit a person can be. Some prisons aren't even giving inmates the recommended number of calories to get through a day of binge-watching Netflix, much less one jam-packed with physical activity. Buying packs of ramen, which is cheap, readily available from the commissary, and easy to cook even with limited tools, fills that gap.
© Adam Booth/iStock
Just don't think about how limited.
That said, while ramen might be filling, it is far from healthy. Inmates are getting huge doses of sodium every time they eat it. Since it's so cheap, it's not unusual for someone in prison to consume three or four packs a day. At that point, you might as well go back to smoking. Still, ramen is so prized that fights have broken out over it, meaning that they have much more imminent concerns than a heart attack which might kill them years down the line. Especially when you take into account that the food you're served in prison is sometimes literally laced with poison.
5The UAE May Build A Mountain From Scratch
Oh, the United Arab Emirates. Such a weird country, what with their bizarre building fetish and all. It seems like there's no end to their lust for putting up bigger and more impressive structures on a continual basis. It wasn't enough to have the biggest skyscraper in the world. They weren't content with that hotel that looks like a ship. And those islands that look like a palm tree? Well, that would just be a weird place to stop. They have even bigger plans for their next project. To put it simply, they want to build a huge mountain. In the desert. The completely flat desert. We get it. You have a ton of money. Can't you find a more useful way to waste it?
The Sad Truth
Yes, the UAE does have a ton of money. But like most desert places, they're also desperately in need of water, and willing to try anything to get more. They've already attempted something called "cloud seeding," wherein you drop stuff into clouds to cause rain. But that has led to some serious problems -- namely, causing 11 inches of rain to fall in just 24 hours in a country that usually gets less than five inches a year. Just another reminder that tampering with the atmosphere to fend off global warming is how Snowpiercer shit happens.
They've also considered sailing icebergs down from the Arctic. Because if there are any two great tastes that taste great together, it's sailing and icebergs.
How quickly we forget.
Now their next big idea is building a mountain to permanently change their weather patterns, because mountains are second only to rappers at strip clubs in their ability to make it rain. No one's disputing that it might work; it's just that no one knows if it might work too well. It could change the environment for the worse, leading to floods and other disasters. And once you have the damn thing up, it's going to be quite a task bringing it back down. Never mind the fact that a similar project in the Netherlands had an estimated cost of $230 billion -- if the mountain were hollow. You could probably move the UAE to the Netherlands for less money.