Do you have an old computer that you're kind of tired of? Is it slower, less responsive, kind of uglier than it was when it was younger? Do you find yourself having to do more maintenance and chores because of it? Is being on it just less fun? Are you considering throwing it out the window, like you've done with all your past computers?
But what if there was another way? Some technique or counseling you could go through to restore the magic in the relationship with your computer? To find out if such a thing was possible, I shouted angry oaths at my own computer until it answered me. Here's what I found.
6Tenderly Wash It
Computers get dirty with time, and a simple cleaning can help restore some of the passion you once felt for each other. Give it a gentle wipe down, and caress its nooks, crannies, and folds with some compressed air. Not only will this clear away the Cheeto crumbs that have accumulated during your long relationship, it can help speed your system up by dusting off various heat sinks and fans.
But don't stop there, oh god don't stop there. Because now we turn our attention inward, to cleanse its filthy insides. Over time your computer can accumulate malware, unwanted software that collects your data, pushes you unwanted ads, and hogs system resources.
My impression is that malware used to be a bigger problem a few years ago, but that may just be because me and my computer were into some pretty shady stuff a few years ago. But malware can still be a bit of an issue, which is why you should clean it out, regularly and sensually. There are many free tools that can scan and remove malware from your system -- they usually have names like Killmal or Malstop or Stopstop. I'm sure whatever you Google up will be fine. Just pour yourself a glass of wine, set one of those running, and you and your computer will be on speaking terms again in no time.
5Spy On Its Every Movement
Computers are filled with treachery, and at any given moment they have a number of programs running that you have no idea about, the harlots. You can see a list of these by opening up Task Manager and gazing upon the Processes or Services tab through bitter tears.
"Bonjour? IS THAT FRENCH? WHO'S THIS FRENCH SERVICE?"
If you suddenly find your computer running unusually slowly, it's probably because one of these other processes is taking up all of its resources and affection. Once you've identified and killed the culprit, you can talk with your computer about whether you both really need that process or whether it can be safely uninstalled. More wine will help.