6 Ways You Remember The Past (That Will Baffle Your Kids)

Nostalgia is generally a pleasant experience, but soon you're going to find yourself nostalgic for nostalgia, because nostalgia as we know it is dying off. Society is heading toward an era when there will be no wistful memory of better times and fun things we all enjoyed back in the day. What the hell are we talking about?

#6. Social Media Has Already Ruined Future Historical Figures

Keystone/Hulton Archive/Getty Images

Thanks to Facebook and Twitter, there will never be a time when we can hold our politicians and musicians and actors up to an otherworldly standard. There will never be a Churchill or a JFK again, not because people with their ideals won't exist but because people with their faults do exist, and we don't let faults go unmocked anymore.

There were probably days when JFK walked out of the White House with a whiskey in his hand yelling obscenities at some fat kid on the street. But no one knows because cellphone cameras didn't exist. All we remember is JFK being charming and then getting assassinated. Likewise, you can't have the mystique of Marilyn Monroe or the legendary charm of Cary Grant anymore. Grant would use Twitter to advise you against vaccinating your kids, and the paparazzi would have given us so many upskirts of Marilyn that we would have lost interest years ago.

Getty Images/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Even Cary Grant upskirts would get old after a while.

So powerful is the ability of a celebrity or politician to dig their own grave that political campaigns actually hire people now to trawl social media for dirt. If that sounds dramatic, tell it to Britain's first-ever Youth Police And Crime Commissioner who -- at the ripe age of 17 -- resigned after the media dug through her Twitter profile and found a bunch of dumbshit tweets.

Twitter
This is our fault for not locking every child in a cupboard until they're 25.

Over half of Americans are currently on Facebook, so future celebrities and politicians will have nearly their entire lives cached somewhere and available to be scrutinized. We're either going to have to start A) accepting that everyone on the planet is a douchebag at some point in their lives, or B) electing robots (who will also be douchebags, because we built them).

#5. In The Future, Every Generation Will Be Nostalgic For The Same Movies

Paramount Pictures

Thanks to what we can call the creativity sarlacc, we're in the midst of a nostalgia loop that we may never actually escape from. Right now, if you're an adult of a certain age, movies like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Transformers aren't just Michael Bay's efforts to make you weep -- they're targeted attempts to fist you right in the nostalgia hole. You want to see those movies because you loved those shows back in the day. Your parents would probably get nostalgic for a porn parody of All In The Family or that reboot of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. Your grandparents might be nostalgic for polio.

George Konig/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
"Those leg braces built muscle and character, dadgummit!"

But here's the thing -- we just closed a 20-year gap on the Ninja Turtles, so in another 20 years, future 30-year-olds, and future 50-year-old you, will be nostalgic for Ninja Turtles and Transformers all over again. And then in another 20 years, your 70-year-old ass can take your 50-year-old-kid, their 30-year-old kid, and their 10-year-old kid to the next Ninja Turtle reboot directed by Michael Bay Protein Construct 83-X.

Paramount Pictures
Don't worry -- it gets better the blinder and deafer you get.

By taking something from our childhood and completely remolding it for new generations, parents will want to see it because it's from their childhood, and kids will want to see it because it's aimed at them and no one in Hollywood has to stop doing coke long enough to jam a Q-tip in their ear and force a new idea to plop out.

#4. That Said, Kids Of The Future Won't Be Nostalgic About The Same Stuff

Mojang

The very idea of having "your show" has gone bug fucky, though, thanks to the pantload of options available to kids today.

On top of your standard television programming, Amazon and Netflix are both in on original programming, developing nearly a dozen new shows for kids between them. Sky just became the biggest children's broadcaster in the U.K. by increasing its on-demand library six times over, with 4,000 episodes of insane Euro children's shows. And all this is in defiance of evidence showing children are more and more frequently turning from TV to Internet and handheld devices. This means competition for young viewers is ever-increasing and harder to manage.

Scott Eells/Bloomberg
It's like comparing dick sizes, except the dicks are now Netflix queues.

Go any place that's full of children now and you'll see all the little buggers with tablets and smartphones watching Smosh or Slugterra, video game walkthroughs, Minecraft tutorials, even unboxing videos. Young teens and what people insist on calling tweens are the age group most using the Internet for just about everything now. Over 50 percent watch videos on YouTube on a weekly basis, and 20 percent of British kids between 9 and 12 subscribe to more than 50 YouTube channels. YouTube itself is now getting into original programming in an effort to hold onto and make more money off of this audience.

When these kids become parents, they're going to be nostalgic for videos that showed them other people having fun. And they won't even be able to share the feeling with a friend since those friends will be nostalgic for an entirely different walkthrough or series of three-minute prank videos. Your kid? That one dude who vomited up a 21-year-old beer that one time is basically his He-Man.


And this will be his Skeletor.

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